wrote this on myspace, though i should share lololol
i usually don't like to vent on myspace, just because most of my friends will read this, but fuck it. i'm pissed off, i feel so fucking empty, and i'm loney as FUCK!
not being at work, fucking sucks. no money is coming in, i've yet to pay my rent for OCTOBER, and my other fucking bills. i thank my mom every day for letting me stay with her, she's put gas in my car, food in my tummy, and said she would help me as much as she can with my bills. but now we're agruing and i don't know what to do. she's telling me to stay out of work longer, so i can get short term disability, but how long would i wait for that. i have to be out of work for a month total!? i'm going crazy watching tv and sitting at the computer all day. i'm starting to hate tv, i don't even watch it at my own house. its background noise. than she's telling me to close my 401k, and if i did that i could be caught up on all my bills and have everything paid off, except for my car of course. and now she's telling me not to do it. i'm trying so hard to see her point of view but i feel like she's yelling at me and for what reason. we never see eye to eye. i really don't see how i was ever her daughter. we never agree on anything, we are total opposite. i'm so annoyed right now!
now the complicated shit. i want to move, so fucking badly. i don't know were and i would need a roommate. writing about this is making me want to cry. i've had too many panic attacks in the past few weeks, and being stuck in my small apartment with nothing to offer if making my brain go crazy! and fucking sanford. omg i hate this fucking town. i love my friends to death and would do anything for them, but i can't do this anymore. knowing that going to the green room is my friday night, just fucking sucks. i'm sick of the same bullshit every day in my life, weather its at work or personal. i sat at the green room last friday, and yeah, i'll admit i was kind of bored, because i didn't know alot of people and the usually group wasn't there, but i was thinking omg is this the rest of my life. working, paying bills, and than using the rest to go drink it away. my life needs to have more excitement than this. but in the end, i get too scared and stay. because i feel something or someone is always better than me leave. weather it be my mom who just moved back from arizona for me or my dad, who has no health insurance and now i'm freaking out about his safely. the last thing i ever did to make me happy, was break up with nick, and i was in a pattern where i did everything for me and it was all about me. i was actually putting myself first. and now, not so much. i rely on so many people to bring a smile on my face. i wake up and i'm just fucking depressed, that i feel like there this huge hole that can never be filled. and not knowing what you want in your own life fucking sucks. i actually went to my apartment today and started packing!! but for what, i'm not moving. i have no place to move too and no one that i know who would want to move. i need to be out of maine or new england. maybe even better i will fun away, running away is fun, and its an adventure!!
and for being loney. for someone who doesn't want anything to do with her ex's and its been two lately, not one, you fucking assholes text and email me too fucking much. i've been over nick for a long time and i told him i was done emailing him about everything because i don't owe him anything. and then he writes me saying that my picture on myspace is cute, and that my song makes him cry and if i ever needed someone to talk to, since my mood that day was lonely, that i can call him. FUCK YOU! all you did was ignore me and the week i broke up with you; i was in the bedroom crying asking you to come in and console me and your final fantasy game was too much to handle for you to come to me! and chris, well ya know what, i'm not sucking your fucking dick you ass hole. you broke up with me because you didn't want a "serious relationship" and that you may move to europe. i may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night asshole. you still want to be friends, ya whatever, i will be friendly. but your so looking for a hookup now that your AMAZING GF broke up with your sorry ass. maybe if you stopped being a fucking pot head, and got your nose out of other people's business, i'd want to be real friends with you, but your an asshole. all you ever did was fight with people, and i'm over that shit. but every day you text me, can we be friends, i'm sorry i hurt you, you want to hook up. gee, wow what a package you offer someone like me. i know i don't have much, i'm not a fucking super model, but i think i'll pass. i'm done with fucking losers that offer me nothing but NOTHING!
and for those that can't get past the shit that i've done, fuck you! i don't need to be reminded of the person i am or want to be. i know who my true friends are!!
life is fucking gay right now!!