(no subject)
For the past month of my life I have spent a lot of time with this girl, who I like a lot. I like spending time with her, and I would like to think that she enjoys my company as well. However, today I committed the biggest fuck up I have committed so far. Now I will say that relationships are not like riding bikes, you do forget a few things, and you are a bit rusty with things at first, maybe eventually I will hit a decent stride again. However, during this first month, I have made some very stupid mistakes. I'm doing all I can to not fuck up. The entire time that I was single, almost 3 years, I kept saying to myself, "when I meet someone I'm not going to fuck it up." Well apparently I find ways to fuck things up even when I am trying my hardest to not do so. I'm human and I'm not perfect. Onto my mistake. Following a sporadic but lengthy conversation about weight, the words fat and chubby did slip from my mouth. I am not comfortable talking about weight, but it was being discussed. I feel like a scumbag and an asshole for saying it, but it was said and I can't retract it. I wish I hadn't said it, as I do really like this girl, I think she is beautiful, and I like her body just the way it is. I've never had intentions of insulting someone or offending them. I'm apologizing to her, because those words should have never been said. I'm apologizing to anyone that thinks less of me because of this, I didn't want to let you down, even though I have probably let myself down more than I have you. I don't think anything I do will be good enough to make up for my near constant mistakes, and I wish I wasn't feeling constantly indebted and having to make things up. I'm such an asshole and a scumbag, and I really wish that I wasn't feeling that way. My stomach is in knots and I feel so much regret and sadness.