so finally... we can talk about it.
lately ive been thinking a lot about what happened at splish splash.. rethinking everything. even my friendship with mike. i've been so mad, and so scared of expressing it becasue i thought for sure it would scare him away. I love mike. and since splish splash, ive loved him even more. but i never let myself think about that day. there were too many questions.
what if things had happened just the tiniest bit differently and i was in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?
i have a walk. you all know what im talkin about. i kinda bounce with each step. its like my own little strutt. if thats how its spelled... jordan pointed it out to me a few years back. what if i didnt have the ability to walk out the door when i wanted to? or needed to? or if i couldnt take something and needed to climb down my parents terrace? I would rather be dead. im not lying, i really believe it. i cant even imagine what its like for people that are in wheelchairs. that cant control where they want to be. that are looked at that way. what if that shit had happened to me? would mike even still be my friend? would anybody? and could i blame them if they couldnt be?
i remember being in the hospital for 14 days. unable to move. unable to have any shame. i didnt have a choice. and for 14 days i took it. i was hysterical at times but i had my family, rob, my friends all by my side and i was usually pumped full of morphine. but what if it wasnt just 14 days? what if it was the rest of that pathetic life?
i remember the first time i stood up. and just crying so hard because it hurt so bad. my legs felt like rubber. like i had never used them before. and my mom crying becasue she was so happy. because it didnt matter what the doctors said, none of us were really sure i was gonna walk again. i sure as hell didnt believe think it would ever happen.
why has it taken me so long to remember? why am i crying now? i dont know. but it feels right. its time, its way overdue.
i remember sobbing on the phone with nora across the country because i was sure i had ruined her summer. just like i was sure i had ruined everyones day at splish splash. that it was my fault and that i fucked up.
and thank god kirsten was there. if ever i had a real friend. if ever someone was there for me it was her. without hesitation she was with me in the ambulance in the hospital. talkin to my mom of the phone for me. im so lucky to have her in my life, and shes never, not now, not evvvver gonna know how much i love her for what she did for me that day.
and to everyone that sucked it up and came to see me looking like such a fucking wreck in the hospital. thank you. i cant tell you what it means to me. i dont think i would have been able to see a friend of mine in a hospital bed looking as messed up as me. not without feeling totally uncomfortable or crying or something. i didnt realize then. i couldnt.
thank you so much. it may have taken me almost a year, but i get it now.
so today i got out of class and i walked all over manhattan. till my feet couldnt take it anymore. cause i can. i can take myself where i want to go. a freedom i never would have thought could be taken away from me.
and then when i got home i called mike. and it was the best conversation ive had in a long time. i told him everything, everything i ever wanted to say. every question i wanted to ask. and he was honest, and real and for the first time in my life i know the way he feels about me. and i love him.
what if things had happened just the tiniest bit differently and i was in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?
i have a walk. you all know what im talkin about. i kinda bounce with each step. its like my own little strutt. if thats how its spelled... jordan pointed it out to me a few years back. what if i didnt have the ability to walk out the door when i wanted to? or needed to? or if i couldnt take something and needed to climb down my parents terrace? I would rather be dead. im not lying, i really believe it. i cant even imagine what its like for people that are in wheelchairs. that cant control where they want to be. that are looked at that way. what if that shit had happened to me? would mike even still be my friend? would anybody? and could i blame them if they couldnt be?
i remember being in the hospital for 14 days. unable to move. unable to have any shame. i didnt have a choice. and for 14 days i took it. i was hysterical at times but i had my family, rob, my friends all by my side and i was usually pumped full of morphine. but what if it wasnt just 14 days? what if it was the rest of that pathetic life?
i remember the first time i stood up. and just crying so hard because it hurt so bad. my legs felt like rubber. like i had never used them before. and my mom crying becasue she was so happy. because it didnt matter what the doctors said, none of us were really sure i was gonna walk again. i sure as hell didnt believe think it would ever happen.
why has it taken me so long to remember? why am i crying now? i dont know. but it feels right. its time, its way overdue.
i remember sobbing on the phone with nora across the country because i was sure i had ruined her summer. just like i was sure i had ruined everyones day at splish splash. that it was my fault and that i fucked up.
and thank god kirsten was there. if ever i had a real friend. if ever someone was there for me it was her. without hesitation she was with me in the ambulance in the hospital. talkin to my mom of the phone for me. im so lucky to have her in my life, and shes never, not now, not evvvver gonna know how much i love her for what she did for me that day.
and to everyone that sucked it up and came to see me looking like such a fucking wreck in the hospital. thank you. i cant tell you what it means to me. i dont think i would have been able to see a friend of mine in a hospital bed looking as messed up as me. not without feeling totally uncomfortable or crying or something. i didnt realize then. i couldnt.
thank you so much. it may have taken me almost a year, but i get it now.
so today i got out of class and i walked all over manhattan. till my feet couldnt take it anymore. cause i can. i can take myself where i want to go. a freedom i never would have thought could be taken away from me.
and then when i got home i called mike. and it was the best conversation ive had in a long time. i told him everything, everything i ever wanted to say. every question i wanted to ask. and he was honest, and real and for the first time in my life i know the way he feels about me. and i love him.