(no subject)
so i saw my therapist at 3pm today.
back up.
i was really anxious this morning. so anxious that i almost called and canceled, but then i figured that if i stayed home, i'd probably just continue feeling like shit all day. but if i made myself go out and at least talk to dawn, i had a pretty good shot of feeling better later in the day.
so i left around 1pm, caught the bus downtown. paid on my library fines, got some OJ from the food co-op, and waited for my transfer.
and then i saw my therapist. and we talked about my dreams from the other night, and how the cats represent abandonment and the baby is my inner child and blah blah blah. (this is all more true than i care to admit right now, because there are certain emotions that i only let myself feel with dawn, and no one else sees them).
and we talked about my yearning for a mother-type person, that goes way back. i started seeking mother figures around the age of 12 or 13, and never really stopped, in some ways. trying to get some of the things that i never got from my real mother. protection and loyalty, etc. unconditional love. and we talked about how, therapeutically, the traditional thing to do in my situation now would be to learn how to provide those feelings to myself, but goddamn. she says there is still some legitimate need to feel those things from forces beyond myself, because the void is so deep. it's crazy how many of my dreams involve searching for someone to love me, take care of me, console me, protect me, care about me, stick up for me, keep me safe, etc. i feel so fucking needy. i AM so fucking needy.
and then we talked about living in the past. i actually brought this one up myself, toward the end of the hour, because it was something that i had been thinking about recently. i am well aware that i spend an unreasonable amount of time living in the past, and that there are so many wounds that i have not even begun to address, and if i put it all behind me now, it would still be there and come out in some other way. but i think about leelanau, especially, EVERY DAY. and i think about my mom. always my mom. i have very few plans or goals for the future, expect to be with sheila and take care of our animals. anything else is consistently overwhelming. (i have been waiting on an appeal date for social security disability benefits for nearly three years now).
anyway...
greg drove me home after he got out of work. i was expecting sheila to be here after she got out of work at 5, but i just remembered she goes straight to her 6pm class and isn't home until almost 9. her new job at borgess is going well. at least as far as one can tell after the first day!
it's pretty damn cold. we have some sort of advisory or watch or warning that involves snow and wind and coldness or something. they're pretty much all the same. they all mean, "stay inside".
back up.
i was really anxious this morning. so anxious that i almost called and canceled, but then i figured that if i stayed home, i'd probably just continue feeling like shit all day. but if i made myself go out and at least talk to dawn, i had a pretty good shot of feeling better later in the day.
so i left around 1pm, caught the bus downtown. paid on my library fines, got some OJ from the food co-op, and waited for my transfer.
and then i saw my therapist. and we talked about my dreams from the other night, and how the cats represent abandonment and the baby is my inner child and blah blah blah. (this is all more true than i care to admit right now, because there are certain emotions that i only let myself feel with dawn, and no one else sees them).
and we talked about my yearning for a mother-type person, that goes way back. i started seeking mother figures around the age of 12 or 13, and never really stopped, in some ways. trying to get some of the things that i never got from my real mother. protection and loyalty, etc. unconditional love. and we talked about how, therapeutically, the traditional thing to do in my situation now would be to learn how to provide those feelings to myself, but goddamn. she says there is still some legitimate need to feel those things from forces beyond myself, because the void is so deep. it's crazy how many of my dreams involve searching for someone to love me, take care of me, console me, protect me, care about me, stick up for me, keep me safe, etc. i feel so fucking needy. i AM so fucking needy.
and then we talked about living in the past. i actually brought this one up myself, toward the end of the hour, because it was something that i had been thinking about recently. i am well aware that i spend an unreasonable amount of time living in the past, and that there are so many wounds that i have not even begun to address, and if i put it all behind me now, it would still be there and come out in some other way. but i think about leelanau, especially, EVERY DAY. and i think about my mom. always my mom. i have very few plans or goals for the future, expect to be with sheila and take care of our animals. anything else is consistently overwhelming. (i have been waiting on an appeal date for social security disability benefits for nearly three years now).
anyway...
greg drove me home after he got out of work. i was expecting sheila to be here after she got out of work at 5, but i just remembered she goes straight to her 6pm class and isn't home until almost 9. her new job at borgess is going well. at least as far as one can tell after the first day!
it's pretty damn cold. we have some sort of advisory or watch or warning that involves snow and wind and coldness or something. they're pretty much all the same. they all mean, "stay inside".