blah
everyone keeps asking me whats wrong with me... and honestly. i dont know. for some reason summer depresses me.
i am indoors all day working and its like i never see the sun. maybe its the weather that depresses me in the summertime... or the lack of seeing the beautiful weather that is outside my job (which has no windows) Maybe i would be happier if Ben Franklin had windows.
I am away from most everyone i hold dear. Maybe its the lack of contact with the outside world that depresses me in the summertime. I do have contact with the crazy people i work with... not that i dont love them all... well most of them... but i see the same people everyday. i closed with Holt the other day and we had the exact same conversation for like the 3 time in a row... and i did not even stop it... because at least we found something to pass the time... even if we have talked about it before. My favorite people to work with are jen(sometimes) Jamie Brigette and holt. everyone else erks me. i cant tell you why. anyways... contact with people outside of my work would be amazing. i call people, but i have nothing to say. my life is boring... i dont have anything good to say. so i dont call people. because i suck. so maybe i am depressed because i feel like i havnt sat down and had a conversation with my friends at school in forever.
I miss my boyfriend. ok ok ok. now i know this sounds terrible, but i have never missed someone this much in my life. when i was dating past people, i was happy to have a summer to myself to flirt and hang out and chill with people that my overbearing boyfriend wouldnt let me do if he were there. BUT, Kevin is different. i feel like i could spend the rest of my life with him and never get tired of him. and for someone who gets tired of people farly quickly... thats weird. Also, i am always myself around kevin. I am the same person with him that i am without him... which is also different for me. so maybe my being depressed is because i miss my boyfriend.
MAYBE I am depressed because I have so much to do before school starts and i am so stressed out about it that I do not even know where to begin. I mean i have to take the writing praxis this summer (which frankly scares the hell out of me) and i have to rewrite the Phi Sig constitution and i have wedding showers and bacholorette parties to plan and i get to help Kristen with the wedding stuff. and i wanted to do all of these things ... but i am just so overwhelmed that i dont know where to start! and i hate that. so maybe i am depressed because i am overwhelmed.
It might be because my sleeping and eating schedule are shot to hell. I try and try and try... but i cannot sleep at night. I am usually up until 3,4,5 oclock in the morning. I lay in bed for hours, trying, wishing, praying to fall asleep. and then once i do fall asleep i cannot get up in the morning for the life of me. i hit the snooze alarm for 2 hours almost every morning. every 6 mins for 2 hours. thats not normal. and when i do get up, i dont have time to eat. so i eat dinner at 5:30 on my lunch break and thats my first meal of the day. So maybe its because i dont eat of sleep right.
I might be depressed because i am gaining weight and not excercising at all. I promised myself that i would walk my dog everyday, twice a day if i can. I did that the first week i was home for break and i have not done it since. the dog is suffering... and I am suffering. I lost 20 lbs last summer... and i have gained 10 of it back. I am not happy with myself. I eat crazy and i dont excersize at all. so that maybe why i am depressed.
I hate my hair. But i dont want to cut it until after the wedding because i dont want Kristen to have to change the hairstyle she wants the bridesmaids to have on account of me. my hair is WAY long. i printed off the application for Lock for Love. thats what i want to do, but the fact that i have to wait until october to do it is unnerving to me. Most people that know me well know that once i get an idea in my head to do something. I need to do it right away. i have been wearing my hair in a bun or a ponytail for two weeks. I think i would be at least a little bit happier if i had short hair. then again... thats what i thought the summer between high school and college... and when i got my hair cut... i cried for a week. i hated it. so I dont know.
maybe i am depressed because i complain too damn much. I have a good life. a good job. a wonderful boyfriend. supportive parents. best friends. there is nothing in my life that i would change. yet i am unhappy, and i feel the need to complain.
damn it. damn me. damn it all. damn god. damn my mom. DAMN DAMN DAMN. I am angry. I am bitter and I am resentfull towards the church and all organized religion. and no matter how much i try not to take out the faults of humans on god -i do. I am mad. I am pissed. i am livid. and i have no one to blame it on. so i blame it on god... because hes the closest thing i can find. i hate feeling like this. i feel like god could fix this. i feel like the right church family could fix this. WHERE IS THAT CHURCH AND WHERE THE HELL IS GOD?
at this point i would like to quote a conversation between my 5 year old nephew and his best friend brandon...
Orion: did you know god lives up there? (points to the sky)
Brandon: yup.
Orion: well he's either sick or dead because he doesn't come out very much.
why do i feel like god is sick or dead? i know hes there. a part of me knows that he is letting me angry and he is patiently awaiting me to calm down so that he can work in my life. but the other part of me is saying... funk this. i am tired. i am sick and tired. i want my life to be mine. i want to do with it what i want to do. i dont want to be a ministers daughter. i dont want to be a doll in a case on display for the whole world to look at and judge my mother. i want to get out of here. i want to go somewhere that my parents cant follow me. The problem is... they will. I WILL ALWAYS BE JUDY'S DAUGHTER. i will never be premitted to make mistakes or to hate god. i have to smile and be prefect and love god and go to sunday school and make apperances at church where i know NO ONE. i have to go to a church that believes things that i think are dead wrong and i get starred at when i wont read the appostles creed. cant i be a chirstian without going to church? cant someone put the love of god back in me without going to a church full of stuck up white people who believe themselves to be better than everyone else because their christians and heterosexual and white? I hate church. i hate snobby people. i hate christians in general - especially the ones who believe that they are better than you, or the ones who feel the need to push their ideas on you. it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. its your idea. so back off.
you know what. all this has done is gotten me all ryled up... i am going upstairs to watch tv... and hopefully fall asleep in the next 3 hours. peace out.
i am indoors all day working and its like i never see the sun. maybe its the weather that depresses me in the summertime... or the lack of seeing the beautiful weather that is outside my job (which has no windows) Maybe i would be happier if Ben Franklin had windows.
I am away from most everyone i hold dear. Maybe its the lack of contact with the outside world that depresses me in the summertime. I do have contact with the crazy people i work with... not that i dont love them all... well most of them... but i see the same people everyday. i closed with Holt the other day and we had the exact same conversation for like the 3 time in a row... and i did not even stop it... because at least we found something to pass the time... even if we have talked about it before. My favorite people to work with are jen(sometimes) Jamie Brigette and holt. everyone else erks me. i cant tell you why. anyways... contact with people outside of my work would be amazing. i call people, but i have nothing to say. my life is boring... i dont have anything good to say. so i dont call people. because i suck. so maybe i am depressed because i feel like i havnt sat down and had a conversation with my friends at school in forever.
I miss my boyfriend. ok ok ok. now i know this sounds terrible, but i have never missed someone this much in my life. when i was dating past people, i was happy to have a summer to myself to flirt and hang out and chill with people that my overbearing boyfriend wouldnt let me do if he were there. BUT, Kevin is different. i feel like i could spend the rest of my life with him and never get tired of him. and for someone who gets tired of people farly quickly... thats weird. Also, i am always myself around kevin. I am the same person with him that i am without him... which is also different for me. so maybe my being depressed is because i miss my boyfriend.
MAYBE I am depressed because I have so much to do before school starts and i am so stressed out about it that I do not even know where to begin. I mean i have to take the writing praxis this summer (which frankly scares the hell out of me) and i have to rewrite the Phi Sig constitution and i have wedding showers and bacholorette parties to plan and i get to help Kristen with the wedding stuff. and i wanted to do all of these things ... but i am just so overwhelmed that i dont know where to start! and i hate that. so maybe i am depressed because i am overwhelmed.
It might be because my sleeping and eating schedule are shot to hell. I try and try and try... but i cannot sleep at night. I am usually up until 3,4,5 oclock in the morning. I lay in bed for hours, trying, wishing, praying to fall asleep. and then once i do fall asleep i cannot get up in the morning for the life of me. i hit the snooze alarm for 2 hours almost every morning. every 6 mins for 2 hours. thats not normal. and when i do get up, i dont have time to eat. so i eat dinner at 5:30 on my lunch break and thats my first meal of the day. So maybe its because i dont eat of sleep right.
I might be depressed because i am gaining weight and not excercising at all. I promised myself that i would walk my dog everyday, twice a day if i can. I did that the first week i was home for break and i have not done it since. the dog is suffering... and I am suffering. I lost 20 lbs last summer... and i have gained 10 of it back. I am not happy with myself. I eat crazy and i dont excersize at all. so that maybe why i am depressed.
I hate my hair. But i dont want to cut it until after the wedding because i dont want Kristen to have to change the hairstyle she wants the bridesmaids to have on account of me. my hair is WAY long. i printed off the application for Lock for Love. thats what i want to do, but the fact that i have to wait until october to do it is unnerving to me. Most people that know me well know that once i get an idea in my head to do something. I need to do it right away. i have been wearing my hair in a bun or a ponytail for two weeks. I think i would be at least a little bit happier if i had short hair. then again... thats what i thought the summer between high school and college... and when i got my hair cut... i cried for a week. i hated it. so I dont know.
maybe i am depressed because i complain too damn much. I have a good life. a good job. a wonderful boyfriend. supportive parents. best friends. there is nothing in my life that i would change. yet i am unhappy, and i feel the need to complain.
damn it. damn me. damn it all. damn god. damn my mom. DAMN DAMN DAMN. I am angry. I am bitter and I am resentfull towards the church and all organized religion. and no matter how much i try not to take out the faults of humans on god -i do. I am mad. I am pissed. i am livid. and i have no one to blame it on. so i blame it on god... because hes the closest thing i can find. i hate feeling like this. i feel like god could fix this. i feel like the right church family could fix this. WHERE IS THAT CHURCH AND WHERE THE HELL IS GOD?
at this point i would like to quote a conversation between my 5 year old nephew and his best friend brandon...
Orion: did you know god lives up there? (points to the sky)
Brandon: yup.
Orion: well he's either sick or dead because he doesn't come out very much.
why do i feel like god is sick or dead? i know hes there. a part of me knows that he is letting me angry and he is patiently awaiting me to calm down so that he can work in my life. but the other part of me is saying... funk this. i am tired. i am sick and tired. i want my life to be mine. i want to do with it what i want to do. i dont want to be a ministers daughter. i dont want to be a doll in a case on display for the whole world to look at and judge my mother. i want to get out of here. i want to go somewhere that my parents cant follow me. The problem is... they will. I WILL ALWAYS BE JUDY'S DAUGHTER. i will never be premitted to make mistakes or to hate god. i have to smile and be prefect and love god and go to sunday school and make apperances at church where i know NO ONE. i have to go to a church that believes things that i think are dead wrong and i get starred at when i wont read the appostles creed. cant i be a chirstian without going to church? cant someone put the love of god back in me without going to a church full of stuck up white people who believe themselves to be better than everyone else because their christians and heterosexual and white? I hate church. i hate snobby people. i hate christians in general - especially the ones who believe that they are better than you, or the ones who feel the need to push their ideas on you. it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. its your idea. so back off.
you know what. all this has done is gotten me all ryled up... i am going upstairs to watch tv... and hopefully fall asleep in the next 3 hours. peace out.