Warden / Inmate Self-Evaluation Form Time!

[onderhaus]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time again. We've got a lot of new people, and I like to have these things on file for posterity. Like last time, if you don't want me to read it, I have some yellow envelopes with the sticky seals. Write your name on the front of the envelope and give them to me that way.

As always, this is optionalFor those of you

Comments

He, uh, kind of doesn't give a rat's arse who sees it. >.<

[f_ckitybye]

Name: Malcolm Tucker
Warden’s Name: Dayton Columbus

1. How long have you been here? Less than a month.
2. Do you believe you belong here? I believe the Admiral's a knob-end and fucking Tory is what I believe.
3. If you were a color, what color would you be, and why? What the fuck kind of a wanky agony aunt question is that?
4. How many wardens have you had? One.
5. Describe your average day aboard the Barge. Watch everyone chase their own tails or fucking tear themselves to shreds, get a little reading done, work the dinner shift with the rest of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.
6. What job has your warden assigned to you? I volunteered to work in the fucking kitchen before the Stem Cell came on the scene.
7. What was your initial reaction upon meeting your warden? "Does he fucking shave yet?"
8. What are your hobbies? Driving enemies before me, hearing the fucking lamentation of their women, et cetera.
9. In one word, how would you describe your warden? [Lots of illegibles, at least one of which just might be "infantile".] Young

During dinner that night:

[onderhaus]

"Why an ocelot?"

Re: During dinner that night:

[f_ckitybye]

Of course, Malcolm had already put the entire questionnaire out of his mind by that point, so he just looked at Rube as if he'd grown an extra head.

"The fuck?"

Re: During dinner that night:

[onderhaus]

Rube didn't look up from the stove. "Why would you be an ocelot?"

Re: During dinner that night:

[f_ckitybye]

"Oh, fuck, that thing." Malcolm put a couple of pans in the dishwasher. "Fuck if I know, to tell you the truth. It was just the first fucking predator that came to mind."

[onderhaus]

"The first predator that comes to your mind is an ocelot?" he asked incredulously.

[f_ckitybye]

"There was a fucking BBC4 documentary on them recently, all right?" Malcolm replied with a shrug. "Before I joined the crew of the Flying Dutchman, I mean."

[onderhaus]

"When I think of a strong, predatory animal, I don't think of a fucking ocelot. That's all I'm saying."

[f_ckitybye]

"Oh yeah? What's your first choice then?" Malcolm's voice was slightly muffled, as he was ducking under the counter as he spoke.

[onderhaus]

"I wouldn't consider myself a predator. I think that's an inmate thing," he replied as he reached for a pinchbowl containing a mixture of spices.

[f_ckitybye]

Malcolm frowned slightly at Rube, almost as if he wasn't sure whether he should take offence or not. Then he snorted. "Well, suppose if you've been doing these fucking surveys for a while now, you'd be in as good a position as anyone to evaluate the stats on that sort of thing." He started cutting the cores out of a stack of bell peppers, disemboweling the vegetables quickly and neatly. "You know, I think I'll change my fucking answer. Pit viper. If only 'cause that's what they'd say back in Whitehall."

[onderhaus]

"Now, that one I'd believe."