(no subject)
I think today has broken me of my procrastination habit!
I have held the strong belief that I procrastinate, and always have, to challenge myself. It doesn't matter if the paper or project is already challenging - school has bored me every since I was the only one in Kindergarten who could read from the first day. I remember reading every word on the walls of that room as she taught us the letters of the alphabet, memorizing the months and the rules of the classroom and the GIRLS and BOYS signs on the kindergarten bathrooms. I used to have to go to a separate reading class and for a very long time I thought it was special ed - mostly because that's what the other kids said.
But, anyway, boredom! If I started every paper a week in advance, if I took notes every day and went to class and did the readings religiously, there is no doubt in my mind that I could be a straight A student in any subject. *blows own horn* But I procrastinate. I do papers the night before - often up until the very moment of its deadline - I ditch class, I text message people instead of taking notes, I don't do readings at all. It could be ten pages long and I won't do it. I wasn't doing the readings in my POETRY class when the readings were half a page long. And it's not because I'm a lazy person, because I'm not. I'm a "discouraged perfectionist," making things difficult so that I have some kind of adversity to overcome. I could get A's on the finals but I make it intensely difficult to do so. I know this is not unique of most college students, or more people in general, but it's interesting to think about.
And you'd think that if I knew about this, if I could recognize this about myself, that I am completely capable of changing it, right? I hold last night as some pretty decent evidence!
True, we were only assigned the paper two weeks ago and we only finished reading the book (some of which I read!) on Monday, and I've been working all week, but I officially began the final paper of English 31, worth 20% of our grade, at 5 am. It was officially due at noon but I had class at 9, so I had four hours to churn out 2500 words, 7 pages, in 12 point font, Times New Roman, with one inch margins. It was four of the most miserable hours of my life. At about 8 I had a decent essay, about half the size it was supposed to be, with a flimsy thesis and even weaker arguments, and another part of me kicked in. It was the part of me that wants to have a double masters, that starts out every quarter determined to "do it right this time" - I rewrote it. I tore the paper apart and I redid the whole thing, writing feverishly until 8:50, at which I went to class and tried to stay awake. At 10 I ditched my ethics lecture - my *last* ethics lecture, by the way - to finish the paper in the computer lab. It was not an A paper but the writing was good enough to pass, and when I printed it out, the printer was out of fucking toner. SO! I go back to my car, already resigned to the fact that I am now missing my last poetry lecture, which would have been hugely beneficial for me to attend. There's a parking ticket on my car; I've spent an hour and ten minutes in an hour space. I go home and print the fucking thing, and staple the fucking thing, all nine pages that it turned out to be, and drive back and turn the fucking thing in. Pulling an all-nighter puts you so on edge, man - someone sneezed behind me in class and I screamed like I'd been shot. I fell asleep in lecture, too, and when I woke up, this is what I found:
Yes, those are lecture notes, and yes, I began to take notes on my dream. There was apparently a green car, someone's grandfather, and someone saying Hello Hello Hello...
Long story short: I am going to lower myself to higher standards. I've got a poetry paper due on Wednesday and IT WILL BE DONE BEFORE THE WEEKEND IS OVER!