(no subject)
Like a sailor who's lost his legs, I'm trying to find balance. Being at my parent's place helps. Something I've realized is that the only way I can see possible to get over her quickly is to hate her. To focus on all of the bad things, and there were many, and try to convince myself that she wronged me. I know that I can rebound quickly in this way and laugh it off. "Shake it off, kid, and get back in the game". But I couldn't do that to her. I don't even know if I can do that to me. We need each other, if not for anything else but friendship. I can't hate a friend. And so I'm stuck in a hurt funk where I feel demoralized because it didn't work out, but I'm no longer ok with her knowing that I feel that way. I would hate for her to pity me. I mean, we're both having a hard time with this, but I appear to be taking it a little harder than her.
Strength is no longer something I care about. I'm not strong. Who am I kidding? Ego? Maybe. Mayb that's it. I don't want to think that it is, but going off of a loose definition of "ego", maybe that is an issue. Maybe I am embarrassed because I was more invested and applied the entire time, and she wasn't. I can't blame it on my judgment. Due to my overly analytical ways, I knew all along that I was more into it than her. I had just always thought that I could draw something out of her eventually. And I couldn't. So maybe my "ego" is hurt? Eh. Dennis Prager says that the ego is a subconsciously impacting force. I'm trying to be as conscious as is possible. I don't know how else to put it other than I am sad. I am very sad right now. I don't think I've ever quite been this sad, actually. And it's insulting and demeaning that the only word I can think of to describe my sentiments is a three letter one.
Thinking that I am above such words as "sad" is an ego issue too. I suppose I thought that I was. I think maybe relationships are direct threats to egos in that you make yourself vulnerable. I think that relationships can't even function healthily if you give weight to your ego.
I had given up drinking on a regular or binge-type basis because of her and now with 4 beers in me, I feel very introspective. It helps and then hurts. It helps because it exposes honest feelings like the ones I've had all along that we weren't right for each other. It hurts because of the obvious. I miss her.
I feel like walking with a limp. I feel that a limp would be a physical expression of the way I'm feeling right now. I feel like a chip in my shoulder might as well be a limp in my leg. I feel like people know to get out of the way when they see me walking. I'm an emotional vagrant right now and can't seem to find a place to settle.
Strength is no longer something I care about. I'm not strong. Who am I kidding? Ego? Maybe. Mayb that's it. I don't want to think that it is, but going off of a loose definition of "ego", maybe that is an issue. Maybe I am embarrassed because I was more invested and applied the entire time, and she wasn't. I can't blame it on my judgment. Due to my overly analytical ways, I knew all along that I was more into it than her. I had just always thought that I could draw something out of her eventually. And I couldn't. So maybe my "ego" is hurt? Eh. Dennis Prager says that the ego is a subconsciously impacting force. I'm trying to be as conscious as is possible. I don't know how else to put it other than I am sad. I am very sad right now. I don't think I've ever quite been this sad, actually. And it's insulting and demeaning that the only word I can think of to describe my sentiments is a three letter one.
Thinking that I am above such words as "sad" is an ego issue too. I suppose I thought that I was. I think maybe relationships are direct threats to egos in that you make yourself vulnerable. I think that relationships can't even function healthily if you give weight to your ego.
I had given up drinking on a regular or binge-type basis because of her and now with 4 beers in me, I feel very introspective. It helps and then hurts. It helps because it exposes honest feelings like the ones I've had all along that we weren't right for each other. It hurts because of the obvious. I miss her.
I feel like walking with a limp. I feel that a limp would be a physical expression of the way I'm feeling right now. I feel like a chip in my shoulder might as well be a limp in my leg. I feel like people know to get out of the way when they see me walking. I'm an emotional vagrant right now and can't seem to find a place to settle.