(no subject)
Why do I feel like I'm falling into a hole and trying to scrape my way up, but falling further down?... I admit, I went on vacation in the south and a mini 3 days in New orleans and completely deterred from any diet whatsoever....however i did try and eat salads whenever possible and made it to the hotel gym twice for a good 1/2 hr run. not to mention the humidity was insane. i thought i'd drop 5lbs just from sweating daily. but no..... i feel that turning 30 this year (shh please keep it on the DL) has really made it harder on my body to be in the shape i was always used to. i have been SO frustrate this last year trying to get to my goal. well just for a recap here are my stats. before starting 28day plan i was 5'3" 117. i was happy with that but wanted to be 115. then i got up to 122ish... found 28day plan and LJ, and ever since have been going up to 125 and down to 120, back up to 127!!! and down to 123 etc..... my period stopped completely and i had every blood test, ultra sound known to man. after 167 days later about 6 months i got it yesterday. out of no where and no warning. then horrible cramps like i couldn't even remember. regardless i figured with my time off of ballet over the summer and being somewhat of a "normal" person it would or should come back... and now that it did i'm bigger than i could have ever EVER imagined.. after getting back from new orleans i started my diet and joined my unlimited bikram class for the last month of vacation before going back to work in aug. i went everyday last week and lived on berries, and dark greens, and some fish. stepped on the scale this morning .....heart attack...... 132. my heart... sank.... anxiety... fear... panic...panic... PANIC!!!!!!! i know it's the 2nd day of my period and a few lbs will probably go in a couple days but HOW IS THIS HAPPENING!!!! and how can i reverse this process!!!?? what was always within my control is gone.. i'm sad and scared and am racking my brain as to how this happened and how i can get myself back to 117. i'm leaving sun to teach dance for a week so i'm not sure how my schedule will be. at least for fri, sat and sun i can try to fit in bikram and 1 hr of cardio and 500 sit ups. i don't know if anyone is reading this, but is the answer not not eat? eat right? don't eat dinner? eat but burn it off? i feel that my habits when in ballet screw my eating and i end up fucking up my metabolism. ...i have till aug 8... that's 31 days. if i am not around 117 my job WILL be on the line. anyone out there? any thoughts? i'm freaking out.