You'll Never Know my Email Address.
i've lost nothing. he is nothing. he's just one of millions of worthless people who have no idea what it is to love and be loved in return. he's someone who can never understand the depth and complexity of human love. sean said that anything in life is conquerable, that we can persevere through anything, if we have someone by our side. i don't want someone like that to be the person i count on for such strength. i don't know who i can count on.... i know who i want to be able to count on. it's a matter of trusting myself enough to act instinctively. instincts play no role in my own personal tragedies, i realize. there is no interface between what i think is right and what i feel is necessary. additionally.... the issue of entitlement must be raised.
is one entitled to being illuminated by, let's say, everyday sunlight? what we do to deserve all of the implicit gifts of each moment is something that continually baffles me. what do i do to sit here, granted light from this candle and this computer screen, no divine burden on my shoulders because i'm enjoying this light.... or is there a huge burden that we're constantly tackling? maybe that's the heart of the matter. this isn't making as much sense as it did in my head.
i don't feel like facing a world outside. all i feel like doing is working and reading. but back to this issue of instincts.... i have none. or if i do they're drowning in a sea of logic. maybe this has to do with this same theme, this issue of upbringing-- does the street life, the urban insecurity, bring keen instinct with its emotional instability and stoicism? the physical vs. the emotional, the blurred lines between two different types of intellect, different means of confronting conflict, different gender binaries.... that;s an interesting situation. the urban woman: strong, physical, sexually potent, tough, yet submissive, feminine, selfless, virtuous. crass, uneducated, impoverished, yet cold, unyielding, impatient, fickle.
looking over this list of "the symbolic dimension of oppression" again (i love you, patricia hill collins)i realize that these are stereotypes ascribed to all women, but especially those in an inner-city environment, of color, of lower economic status, one of many in her family. maybe it's the nature of this situation that exacerbates oppression... if so, then what is the heart of the matter there? it could feasibly be poverty. and how amazing would that be, if the true heart of gender inequity and the symbolic dimension of oppression was economic status?
but what i was trying to get at was the issue of instinct in urban lifestyles. does the mythical thug/gangster/street hero trust his instincts before his logic? maybe instinct imitates logic in the street atmosphere. i can't think about this anymore. every time i go on these sociological brainstorming fits the only example i can ever think of for anything is based on my knowledge of HIM and his life. THAT'S SO RIDICULOUS. that world repulses me and fascinates me all at once. --maybe that's where instinct comes into play!logically, i know i should strive to escape that world, move away from it, reject it in full, but instinctively i move closer to it, trying to get one more glimpse, wanting to understand it from the inside out.... i guess i do have instincts.
the problem, apparently, is when to trust them.........?
is one entitled to being illuminated by, let's say, everyday sunlight? what we do to deserve all of the implicit gifts of each moment is something that continually baffles me. what do i do to sit here, granted light from this candle and this computer screen, no divine burden on my shoulders because i'm enjoying this light.... or is there a huge burden that we're constantly tackling? maybe that's the heart of the matter. this isn't making as much sense as it did in my head.
i don't feel like facing a world outside. all i feel like doing is working and reading. but back to this issue of instincts.... i have none. or if i do they're drowning in a sea of logic. maybe this has to do with this same theme, this issue of upbringing-- does the street life, the urban insecurity, bring keen instinct with its emotional instability and stoicism? the physical vs. the emotional, the blurred lines between two different types of intellect, different means of confronting conflict, different gender binaries.... that;s an interesting situation. the urban woman: strong, physical, sexually potent, tough, yet submissive, feminine, selfless, virtuous. crass, uneducated, impoverished, yet cold, unyielding, impatient, fickle.
looking over this list of "the symbolic dimension of oppression" again (i love you, patricia hill collins)i realize that these are stereotypes ascribed to all women, but especially those in an inner-city environment, of color, of lower economic status, one of many in her family. maybe it's the nature of this situation that exacerbates oppression... if so, then what is the heart of the matter there? it could feasibly be poverty. and how amazing would that be, if the true heart of gender inequity and the symbolic dimension of oppression was economic status?
but what i was trying to get at was the issue of instinct in urban lifestyles. does the mythical thug/gangster/street hero trust his instincts before his logic? maybe instinct imitates logic in the street atmosphere. i can't think about this anymore. every time i go on these sociological brainstorming fits the only example i can ever think of for anything is based on my knowledge of HIM and his life. THAT'S SO RIDICULOUS. that world repulses me and fascinates me all at once. --maybe that's where instinct comes into play!logically, i know i should strive to escape that world, move away from it, reject it in full, but instinctively i move closer to it, trying to get one more glimpse, wanting to understand it from the inside out.... i guess i do have instincts.
the problem, apparently, is when to trust them.........?