In hiding.
My head hurts. I can feel my pulse beating in my face. I'm reluctant to take the pill that will stop it because I know I will soon fall asleep after. I want to get things done. It just doesn't ever seem to happen. I feel that I'm not good enough to make it happen.
I change my mind often. I find that experience and circumstances make me see things differently than I had previously, so I tend to adjust my belief systems in accordance with that. They always say to roll with the punches. that's what I'm trying to do. I still catch myself thinking that theres something external, outside of myself that has control/power over me to help me. (Or hurt). That when I'm sick and in pain, I ask god to fix it. I have asked god even how to fix it myself. Of course there's never been any answer to that. I wonder if that's because it's not gods job to answer. Or maybe there isn't a god. Maybe there is, but if god did answer, it would scare the shit out of me and do way more harm than good. I do certainly believe in some form of a 'god'. Not a gray old man. Not even anything remotely sensical, really.
I think that maybe god is whatever we say it is. Maybe the people that believe in jesus get to meet him after death. The pagans see whatever they believe in, the muslims, the same. Everyone experiences what they believe to be true. Why does anyone have to be wrong? Maybe we are really our own gods creating the game as we play it.
We get what we give. So because I feel like shit right now does that mean I've made someone else feel like shit? This causes me to think about my actions more carefully.
So if god does exist, as a 'parent' would god really want us a.-obeying everything god says, and b-having us rely on god for everything? I think any 'super being' would want us to be self sufficient. To figure shit out for ourselves. To grow up and stop whining about life. To progress, carve something out for ourselves. A parent would not want us to suffer, and would help when a child needs it, but would want the child to grow and be able to help themselves too. Why does everyone pray or god to provide? Maybe god wants us to do it on our own?
This weekend was kind of the 'weekend from hell'. Not sure if I would have wanted it to be different though. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself if something seems too easy for me otherwise. Has to be a challenge to be any kind of fun.
I change my mind often. I find that experience and circumstances make me see things differently than I had previously, so I tend to adjust my belief systems in accordance with that. They always say to roll with the punches. that's what I'm trying to do. I still catch myself thinking that theres something external, outside of myself that has control/power over me to help me. (Or hurt). That when I'm sick and in pain, I ask god to fix it. I have asked god even how to fix it myself. Of course there's never been any answer to that. I wonder if that's because it's not gods job to answer. Or maybe there isn't a god. Maybe there is, but if god did answer, it would scare the shit out of me and do way more harm than good. I do certainly believe in some form of a 'god'. Not a gray old man. Not even anything remotely sensical, really.
I think that maybe god is whatever we say it is. Maybe the people that believe in jesus get to meet him after death. The pagans see whatever they believe in, the muslims, the same. Everyone experiences what they believe to be true. Why does anyone have to be wrong? Maybe we are really our own gods creating the game as we play it.
We get what we give. So because I feel like shit right now does that mean I've made someone else feel like shit? This causes me to think about my actions more carefully.
So if god does exist, as a 'parent' would god really want us a.-obeying everything god says, and b-having us rely on god for everything? I think any 'super being' would want us to be self sufficient. To figure shit out for ourselves. To grow up and stop whining about life. To progress, carve something out for ourselves. A parent would not want us to suffer, and would help when a child needs it, but would want the child to grow and be able to help themselves too. Why does everyone pray or god to provide? Maybe god wants us to do it on our own?
This weekend was kind of the 'weekend from hell'. Not sure if I would have wanted it to be different though. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself if something seems too easy for me otherwise. Has to be a challenge to be any kind of fun.