It's Getting Boring by the Sea.
Holy shit Live Journal.
It’s been 22 weeks. (Or 154 days. Or 1.33056e13 Microseconds for the math nerds.) Thought about adding some gas to the smoldering fire and just burning it down to the ground. But, I haven’t yet. Couldn’t tell you why though. Just not interested in writing I guess.
Not really sure why I’m writing now either. Perhaps my office boredom has reached critical mass?
So. Life. We’ve moved. Living in a house. Pretty alright. Nice neighborhood. Quiet. I’m still working the same job, doing the same things, in the same department. Kids are still kids. Hollz is still Hollz. (Although she is slowly getting more brave with her choice of hair color. I’m working her up to blue.)
I’m still discontent and jaded. I’ve been married for 10 years. I tend to think of things using that scale; before marriage and during marriage, using that 10 years as a sort of ‘where exactly was I during that time period’. I remember what I was like before, and knowing how I feel now, I miss that bastard. I wish I could be him again. He was innocent and unspoiled. He was wide eyed and he had tons of hope. The asshole I’ve become is tired and lacking all of those other qualities.
Shit, I used to DRAW and PAINT for FUN. I haven’t produced real art since before I’ve been married. Fuck, who has time with work and kids and sleep and family functions.
I know that’s bullshit because if I scheduled it and broke it down I DO have time. I’d rather sleep however. Not sure what exactly is so painful about being awake.
I know marriage isn’t what changed me. 10 years ago I wasn’t working the corporate lifestyle. I was young and healthier. I was naive about a lot too. These last 10 years, thanks to living in cubicles and the internet, I more less read everything the internet has to offer all day long in-between job duty’s. Maybe the internet has corrupted my brains? I don’t have to go to a library to find out who was the 28th president, I can google it and get an answer, pictures, several wiki’s about it and several more photo shopped pictures of that 28th president having sex with other presidents and dressed like a ‘juggalo’.
So life has boiled down to me constantly looking for what will make me feel content/happy. Go ahead and tell me I can be the only person to make me happy, and contentment comes from within. Yeah, I know. Whatever. I think the answer might be that there is no contentment. No true happiness. Just distractions and trying to forget. Maybe being ‘happy’ is just coming to terms with knowing you’ll never be.
Old Josh from 10 years ago would have kicked my ass for saying that. But where is he now, that little bitch.
Wow that came across kind of… hateful. That’s not really my style. Jeesus, I must be having a bad day. Week/life. Etc.
It’s been 22 weeks. (Or 154 days. Or 1.33056e13 Microseconds for the math nerds.) Thought about adding some gas to the smoldering fire and just burning it down to the ground. But, I haven’t yet. Couldn’t tell you why though. Just not interested in writing I guess.
Not really sure why I’m writing now either. Perhaps my office boredom has reached critical mass?
So. Life. We’ve moved. Living in a house. Pretty alright. Nice neighborhood. Quiet. I’m still working the same job, doing the same things, in the same department. Kids are still kids. Hollz is still Hollz. (Although she is slowly getting more brave with her choice of hair color. I’m working her up to blue.)
I’m still discontent and jaded. I’ve been married for 10 years. I tend to think of things using that scale; before marriage and during marriage, using that 10 years as a sort of ‘where exactly was I during that time period’. I remember what I was like before, and knowing how I feel now, I miss that bastard. I wish I could be him again. He was innocent and unspoiled. He was wide eyed and he had tons of hope. The asshole I’ve become is tired and lacking all of those other qualities.
Shit, I used to DRAW and PAINT for FUN. I haven’t produced real art since before I’ve been married. Fuck, who has time with work and kids and sleep and family functions.
I know that’s bullshit because if I scheduled it and broke it down I DO have time. I’d rather sleep however. Not sure what exactly is so painful about being awake.
I know marriage isn’t what changed me. 10 years ago I wasn’t working the corporate lifestyle. I was young and healthier. I was naive about a lot too. These last 10 years, thanks to living in cubicles and the internet, I more less read everything the internet has to offer all day long in-between job duty’s. Maybe the internet has corrupted my brains? I don’t have to go to a library to find out who was the 28th president, I can google it and get an answer, pictures, several wiki’s about it and several more photo shopped pictures of that 28th president having sex with other presidents and dressed like a ‘juggalo’.
So life has boiled down to me constantly looking for what will make me feel content/happy. Go ahead and tell me I can be the only person to make me happy, and contentment comes from within. Yeah, I know. Whatever. I think the answer might be that there is no contentment. No true happiness. Just distractions and trying to forget. Maybe being ‘happy’ is just coming to terms with knowing you’ll never be.
Old Josh from 10 years ago would have kicked my ass for saying that. But where is he now, that little bitch.
Wow that came across kind of… hateful. That’s not really my style. Jeesus, I must be having a bad day. Week/life. Etc.