if you never come to me
Title: if you never come to me
Pairing: Luhan/D.O.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5691
A/N: Entry for SNCJ Secret Santa Exchange. It has been locked on the comm so here is a repost.
---
Luhan had first caught it when Sehun had introduced him to his friends. It had been before afternoon rehearsals and Sehun had excitedly dragged him into a practice room with “they all want to meet you, hyung, especially Kyungsoo.” Luhan had barely been able to keep up with all the names and fresh faces that had been thrown at him, but he had remembered one face in particular.
The boy had full lips that pursed into a hesitant smile and wide eyes that stared directly at him. Luhan had been used to the looks that came with being a Chinese trainee, but there was something more- something darker- behind that particular stare.
“This is Kyungsoo hyung,” Sehun had introduced him.
“I’m glad we finally meet,” Kyungsoo said. His voice was soft, a pleasant sound. “Sehun talks so much about you.”
It was later that Luhan realized what Kyungsoo’s words had meant. Rehearsals had finally finished, and Luhan was gathering his things when-
“Don’t mess with Sehun.”
Luhan turned to see Kyungsoo behind him. His face was flushed, a thin sheen of sweat across his brow, as he glared at Luhan.
“Excuse me?”
“Sehun misinterprets things.” Kyungsoo’s voice was still light, but there was a hint contempt laced within his words. “He thinks people like him.”
“I do like Sehun,” Luhan replied carefully. “He’s a nice kid-“
“Exactly. He’s a kid.” Kyungsoo turned to leave. “He hasn’t known you long enough to be your type.”
---
Luhan figured it out a few days later. He was in Hongdae with a few friends from college, sitting down for a new piercing, when he saw Sehun tug Kyungsoo into the shop. Kyungsoo was all awkward smiles and half-hearted complaints as they browsed through the rows of jewelry and naively giggled at the tattoo samples that littered the walls.
It wasn’t the piercing so much as Kyungsoo’s gaze- the tenderness, the intensity and yearning behind those eyes, all directed at Sehun- that had startled Luhan, and he let out a soft oh right as the needle slid through his ear.
“It doesn’t hurt that much,” his friend smirked, and all his friends laughed, loud chuckles filling the small space of the shop. Luhan hadn’t paid them any attention, too focused on watching Kyungsoo. The boy glanced over, paling when he met Luhan’s gaze. Kyungsoo mumbled something before quickly tugging on Sehun’s arm, and Luhan barely caught Sehun’s confused face as the pair left the store.
“That Kyungsoo kid,” Luhan later said. He was sprawled across Yixing’s bed, one hand finger tugging idly on his new piercing as he watched Yixing string his guitar. “What do you know about him?”
“Isn’t he the one with that creepy-ass stare?”
Luhan laughed.
“I know he follows Sehun everywhere,” Yixing shrugged. “I think someone said they’re best friends.”
“Hm.”
Yixing paused, a smirk on his face. “That is, they were best friends until you came along.” He snickered at Luhan’s raised eyebrow. “Everyone knows Sehun has been following you around since you guys went on that date.”
“It was bubble tea.”
“Is that what they call it now?”
Luhan rolled his eyes, moving to kick Yixing off the bed because that is ridiculous. It was ridiculous that they were anything more than friends, and it was ridiculous that Kyungsoo should be angry about bubble tea outings. Besides, it was Kyungsoo who followed Sehun everywhere, Kyungsoo who interrogated Sehun’s new friends, Kyungsoo who watched after Sehun with that look of longing and- oh.
---
“I think we started off on the wrong foot,” Luhan said the next day. He had cornered Kyungsoo before rehearsal, dragging him away from Jongin with something about voice lessons, and now they were standing awkwardly in the hallway. “I don’t like Sehun.”
Kyungsoo stared up at him. “That’s not what you said last time.”
“I- no, I mean, not like that.” Luhan sighed. “It was bubble tea.”
“Is that what they call it now?”
Luhan squinted at him. “Have you been talking to Yixing?”
“It’s not a big deal,” Kyungsoo muttered. He toed at the ground. “I just don’t want him to hang around with the wrong people.”
And it really shouldn’t be a big deal. Luhan usually didn’t care what others thought about him, much less what he and others did, but Kyungsoo- Kyungsoo intrigued him. There was something about the tired tilt of his lips and the depth of his eyes that dragged Luhan in; he wanted Kyungsoo to look at him like that, to worry and fret over, to yearn and long, for him.
Kyungsoo yelped when Luhan reached into Kyungsoo’s pocket. “What are you doing?!” His voice sounded scandalized as Luhan pulled out Kyungsoo’s phone and began tapping on it.
“You’re going to text me after practice ends,” Luhan said. “I just put in my number, so let me know when you’re done and we’ll meet up.”
“What-“
Luhan handed Kyungsoo back his phone with a smile. “Bubble tea. It’ll be fun.”
---
“So I heard you and Kyungsoo went on a date today.”
Luhan shrugged, doing his best to ignore Yixing’s leering face. He focused on his manga, occasionally stretching his toes to prod at his roommate across the floor.
“Sehun will be heartbroken.”
“You really need to lay off that fan fiction,” Luhan replied, rolling over. “It does things to your head.”
“But what about all the HunHan fans?” Wufan asked as he walked in. Yixing laughed loudly, offering him a high-five.
“They’re already making up names for you two,” Yixing said. “You’re going to be busy when Kyungsoo joins.”
“Wait,” Luhan sat up. “Kyungsoo is going to be in EXO?”
Yixing and Wufan simultaneously smirked at the excitement in his voice. “That’s what they’re saying,” Yixing chuckled. “He won’t be in M though.”
“I vote we trade him,” Luhan immediately said. “I’m willing to sacrifice either one of you.”
“Sadly, that’s not how the teams work,” Wufan replied dryly. He kicked at Luhan, ignoring his whines of pain, before continuing. “But could you even imagine him in China? Every time they ask him a question, his eyes would get bigger and bigger- they’re huge.”
---
“Why are your eyes so big?”
Kyungsoo looked up from his music, scooting back when he noticed Luhan’s piercing gaze. He blinked a few times as he shuffled the papers in front of him. “What kind of question is that?”
“A legitimate one,” Luhan easily replied. He tilted his head. “But your eyes really are so big. Were you dropped on your head as a baby?”
“That has nothing to do with it,” Kyungsoo hissed. He ducked his head when the voice instructor glared in their direction. “Shouldn’t you be more focused on the recording today?”
“Jongdae’s going to spend a majority of the time working on his pronunciations,” Luhan waved away. “By the time they get to me, they won’t care how badly I sound as long as we finish it.”
“Then why are you here?” Kyungsoo retorted. “Don’t you have other rehearsals or something?”
“You worry too much,” Luhan said. He reached over to doodle on Kyungsoo’s music. “And maybe I just wanted to-“
“Hyung!”
Luhan winced as Sehun ran excitedly into the room, plopping into a seat between the pair. He gave Kyungsoo a quick hug before turning eagerly to Luhan.
“Hyung, I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You promised we would go to that one restaurant-“
Luhan barely paid attention to Sehun’s rambles, observing Kyungsoo instead; the boy was listening intently to Sehun’s every word and that unabashed affection in his eyes was there again, growing brighter the longer he stared at Sehun. It was completely different from the way he looked at anyone else, something so private yet blatantly obvious, and watching this all, Luhan felt something overwhelm him.
“I really need to work on this right now, Sehun,” Luhan quickly interrupted. He ruffled Sehun’s hair, shooting him an apologetic smile. “We can talk some other time.”
Sehun pouted slightly before nodding. He turned to leave, throwing Luhan one last wave and grin before he was gone.
Luhan sighed as he turned back to Kyungsoo. “As I was saying-“
“I wish he would look at me like that,” Kyungsoo said softly. “Just even once.”
---
Luhan watched him sometimes. He watched how Kyungsoo immediately looked up whenever Sehun walked into the room, and he watched how Kyungsoo was the first one to offer Sehun a towel or a bottle of water during breaks. He watched the way Kyungsoo smiled widely, lips stretched sideways and teeth gleaming, and he watched the way Kyungsoo turned a pretty, pretty pink whenever Sehun slung an arm around the elder’s shoulders.
And Luhan noticed the way Kyungsoo faltered when he caught Luhan and Sehun talking together, how Kyungsoo bit his lips and clenched his shirt when Sehun whispered some nonsense into Luhan’s ear. He noticed how Kyungsoo stared at Sehun for too long during rehearsals, something beautifully painful in those wide eyes.
But Luhan never caught Kyungsoo looking at him.
---
“I know it’s here somewhere.”
“Face it. We’re lost.”
“Just give me a second-“
“How do you even get lost? We’re five minutes from the dorms-“
“Why don’t you find it then?! You’re the Korean!”
Luhan and Kyungsoo glared at one another before Kyungsoo was the first to give up, heaving a sigh as he grabbed Luhan’s phone.
“What kind of directions are these?” he muttered, squinting at the screen.
“Ones from a very trustworthy college friend-“
“Turn right at the fifth fire hydrant, avoid the alley though, and then walk straight taking the curved path behind the sketchy night club.”
Luhan scowled. “He wasn’t the brightest person.”
“You don’t say,” Kyungsoo deadpanned.
It was their one day off and Luhan had suggested they go shopping. He had grabbed Kyungsoo and run out the door before Sehun could catch either one. Luhan had planned for a fun day, maybe get Kyungsoo to open up to him a little more, maybe even smile in Luhan’s direction every now and then, but so far he had only managed to get them lost in the middle of Gangnam’s busy streets.
“Shit,” Luhan sighed. “And it was our last day off before debut too.”
He kicked at the ground, wishing a million and one damnations on his friend. Kyungsoo bit his lip before hesitantly tugging on Luhan’s jacket.
“I know a hot pot place around here,” he said. “Come on.”
He led them to a hole-in -the-wall restaurant a few streets over. It was a small eatery, maybe five tables in all, but the servings were huge and the spices reminded Luhan of home; he slurped the food with gusto, chuckling when Kyungsoo threw him a disgusted glance.
“You’re much better with directions than I am,” Luhan said. He leaned his head on the table, relishing the warmth of a full stomach. “I vote you choose where we go from now on.”
“Why me?” Kyungsoo replied. “I’m sure Sehun would know a lot more places than I do.”
Luhan rolled his eyes, reaching out to poke at Kyungsoo’s cheek. “Maybe I just wanted to hang out with you.”
Kyungsoo moved out of his reach. “Why would you want to be with me?” he murmured. “I’m not interesting or anything, but you-” Kyungsoo rubbed his eyes, clenching his fists when his voice began to tremble. “You have everyone you want.”
---
After months of just watching Kyungsoo, Luhan decided he had had enough.
(“About damn time,” Yixing groaned. “It was starting to get creepy. You were like one of those Furby things.”)
Luhan cornered Kyungsoo again, this time in K’s dorm. He had to shove past a confused Joonmyun into the apartment and kick a disgruntled Jongin out of the room before he finally managed to get Kyungsoo alone.
“Let’s get one thing clear,” Luhan started. He propped his feet on Jongin’s desk, ignoring Kyungsoo’s hesitant, “Um, I don’t think Jongin would appreciate that.”
“I don’t like straight boys,” Luhan said. “Too much stress and, quite frankly, a waste of my time.”
Kyungsoo choked a little bit, shifting awkwardly on the bed as he picked at his Pororo sheets. “Why are you telling me-”
“I prefer guys that are like me.”
Mild panic flashed across Kyungsoo’s face. “I respect your life choices?” he tried.
“Oh Sehun is straight. Touchy, but completely and ridiculously straight.”
“What-”
“But you’re not.”
“...”
“So how about you try me.”
---
Luhan spent the next two hours trying to explain to Joonmyun that he was not in fact trying to sabotage EXO-K, or EXO for that matter, and no, he did not want their main vocalist to die by flustered choking.
Wufan gave him an exasperated look before trying to placate a slightly hysterical Joonmyun while Yixing and Jongin silently laughed across the room. Luhan would have glared back but he was too busy trying to coax Kyungsoo out of the bathroom.
“Kyungsoo,” Luhan tried again, knocking on the door. “Come out, please? I just… I didn’t mean to scare you, okay?”
Luhan pressed his forehead to the door. This was not how he had planned this to go. He had expected to Kyungsoo to freak out a slight bit, maybe turn that attractive shade of red or cry with joy, but he didn’t think Kyungsoo would have locked himself in the bathroom. Luhan sighed, too tired to even flick off Jongin’s leer, as he knocked once more. He’s probably never going to talk to me again, god, why did I even think this was a good idea, it’s Kyungsoo, there’s no way he would even consider me, he hates-
“Okay.”
There was a pause. Luhan froze for a second before he plastered his ear to the door.
“Kyungsoo, am I just hearing things or did you say-“
“Okay. I said okay. I’ll go out with you.”
---
The next morning, Wufan had to explain to the managers why the bathroom door in K’s dorm had a foot-sized hole through it. He also had to escort an incoherent Joonmyun through a day’s worth of schedules, comfort a traumatized Kyungsoo, and pay for the bathroom door repairs.
He dragged Luhan to the nearest cosmetics store for retail therapy. Luhan was okay with this.
---
Dating Kyungsoo was no different from hanging out with him before because debut had just started and well, twelve boys. Yixing never failed to tease Luhan at every opportunity and Jongdae still asked “Wait, you and Kyungsoo?” And Luhan would sniff in Jongdae’s direction because “Yes, what’s wrong with me and Kyungsoo?” and then smack Yixing across the head before texting “my boyfriend.”
Short messages were the only way they could communicate these days (“Who’s brilliant idea was it to separate the groups by an entire ocean anyways?” Luhan whined. “Your fucking boss,” his manager growled, snatching away his phone) but Luhan was willing to get what he could. He sent messages whenever there was a break and had even teamed up with Zitao to discover new emoticons he could text Kyungsoo.
“You’re disgusting,” Yixing groaned, watching as Luhan giggled into his phone. “I can’t even imagine what Kyungsoo must be like right now.”
Luhan snorted. He could imagine exactly what Kyungsoo would be like; he would probably blush every time Luhan sent a message, lips parting and eyes widening in embarrassment when he sees Luhan’s latest set of sparkly emoticons complete with cheesy sound effects- Luhan would have to speak to Jongin about getting pictures of Kyungsoo’s reactions.
“Does he even know that you two are dating?” Minseok asked one night. He sat on the floor, watching as Luhan struggled to close his suitcase. They were returning to Korea in the morning and Luhan had all these bug-eyed dolls he wanted to give to Kyungsoo.
“What?”
“I mean,” Minseok shrugged. “I’ve never seen Kyungsoo really, you know- freak out- about your relationship like you do.”
“Kyungsoo’s shy about that kind of stuff,” Luhan waved away. He eyed Minseok’s larger bag and slowly reached out for it.
“Well,” Minseok said, kicking his bag out of Luhan’s reach. “He seems to have no problem about doing that kind of stuff with Jongin.”
---
It took all of three fan videos and two photoshopped images (“Very nicely done,” Zitao admitted) for Luhan to confront Jongin as soon as he returned to SM.
Luhan warned Jongin to stay away, because “Kyungsoo, in case you don’t know, is mine.” And Jongin laughed loudly, as in feet-stomping and thigh-slapping loudly, because “that’s funny coming from the guy who’s got an entire fan club based on his and Sehun’s relationship.”
“I don’t give a fuck what the fan clubs think.”
Jongin laughed once more. Luhan watched as Jongin ran through the new dance moves- they’re all wired about this group performance that’s in a few days, especially since Jongdae has to run across the fucking stage in two seconds and that kid is lazy as hell- when he caught Jongin’s gaze. His smile was softer now, the amusement replaced with a bit of pity as he patted Luhan’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry about me, hyung. It’s Sehun you need to watch out for.”
Luhan snorted. “Sehun and I are as real as Chanyeol’s sanity.”
Jongin sighed. “Not you and Sehun. I’m talking about Kyungsoo.”
---
When Luhan went home that night, he ignored Yixing’s protests and locked himself and Yixing’s laptop in the bathroom. He spent the night watching the interviews, the performances, the fan pictures- and Luhan saw it.
Luhan saw it again- the look in Kyungsoo’s eyes, the way his eyebrows would lift the slightest when Sehun talked, the way he would unconsciously lean into Sehun’s touch or trail after him on and off stage. Luhan had seen it all before, but it still hurt. It fucking made his chest ache as he watched Kyungsoo smile in a way that he had never seen him smile before- at least, not at him.
Luhan sniffed. Kyungsoo was his boyfriend.
---
Apparently, Luhan has a problem.
Minseok was the first to mention it, calling it “a bit unhealthy.” Wufan only shook his head and refused to acknowledge it, like every leader of a Kpop boy band should do. Yixing told Luhan he’s “goddamn creepy” and “I think it’s illegal.”
Because apparently, handcuffing his boyfriend to a bed with a sign that says “Luhan’s Property” on his chest was not considered normal.
Minseok tried to explain it to Luhan first. “It’s just that- humanity- doesn’t look too favorably upon considering people as personal items. I think the term is slavery.”
And Luhan only laughed because he wasn’t trying to make Kyungsoo his personal item. He just didn’t want anyone else to ever flirt with him, ever get too close, or ever talk to Kyungsoo- his Kyungsoo.
“I’m protecting him from the weird people of the world,” Luhan said. Yixing coughed - choked- on his chips.
“You handcuffed him to the bed!” Yixing shouted exasperatedly. “And then told all of EXO-K that Kyungsoo has herpes so everyone should avoid him.”
Luhan squinted, tilting his head cutely with a confused expression on his face. “I would never do that.”
Later, Wufan called an emergency meeting on account of “the questionable behavior of certain Chinese members.”
“It’s like my bed,” Luhan explained. “Only my body is allowed to touch it.”
Yixing snickered when Jongdae choked on his drink. Zitao only murmured, “Luhan ge really does have a problem,” and Wufan appeared as though he was trying to rub his eyeballs into the back of his head.
“But that’s exactly our point,” Wufan said as calmly as possible. “Kyungsoo is not like your bed. At all.”
“But-”
“Nothing. Kyungsoo is a human. Flesh. Breathing. Not a bed.”
“But they’re both soft-”
“No-”
“...and squishy...”
“Goddamnit, Luhan! I said no.”
---
Honestly speaking, Luhan admitted the handcuffs were probably over the top. But he hadn’t been able to help himself.
He had returned from rehearsals early, sneaking out with the excuse of an upset stomach, and rushed all the way to K’s dorms with a bag of presents for Kyungsoo in his hand- only to find Sehun lying across Kyungsoo’s lap, eyes closed and face content as Kyungsoo ran small fingers through his hair, humming under his breath.
Now Kyungsoo’s voice was something that melted Luhan’s heart. He had heard many beautiful voices before; Lay’s soothing hums helped ease the loneliness of some nights and Jongdae’s haunting melodies never failed to send chills down his spine. But Kyungsoo- Kyungsoo’s voice made Luhan see things.
Luhan saw waves crashing on the beach as the sun splashed red and purple and orange across the darkening waters. He saw bright city lights that flickered in sets of white, green, red against a cold black night, or pounding basses and long nights in studios rewarded by a soft bed and a few hours to dream about the future. Luhan saw Beijing back when he was a kid, when he and his friends had listened to bootlegged copies of concerts in the neighborhood playground, and they had all giggled when Luhan tried to dance to Rising Sun. Luhan saw restless airplane rides that were worth it when he woke up to see a patch of the early morning sun shining through the window, Kyungsoo’s small hand clasped within his own.
But Luhan couldn’t help wondering sometimes- was Kyungsoo singing for him, or for Sehun?
And watching Kyungsoo with that beautiful smile on his face as he looked down at Sehun, Luhan was all too afraid that he knew the answer.
---
Luhan dragged Kyungsoo out after the SMTOWN concert. The hairspray was still sticking to their clothing and their makeup was smudged, but Luhan threw a hoodie and a hat over both their heads and pushed Kyungsoo into a taxi.
“Where are we-“
“Just humor me, yeah?”
Luhan squeezed his hand tightly, handing the driver directions, and turned to face out the window.
They arrived at a dark street Kyungsoo had never heard before, and Luhan tugged him down an even darker alleyway. He squinted at the various flickering window signs before smiling with triumph.
“Found it!” he grinned.
The store was called History Records, a tiny place nestled between a rundown karaoke bar and a dumpster. Kyungsoo eyed its fading neon red sign warily as he followed Luhan inside. The entire store must have been the size of their dorm bathroom, cramped and limiting movement; in every available space were shelves filled with vinyl records. Kyungsoo gaped at the walls that held the classics, all encased in pristine covers that gleamed under the cheap fluorescent lights.
“This was the place I tried to find last time,” Luhan said, wrapping an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “I used Google Maps this time.”
“You did?”
“Well…Wufan might have helped me a little bit.”
Kyungsoo let out a soft chuckle. Luhan relished Kyungsoo’s expression, the quiet excitement that stretched from his eyes to his trembling fingers, as he browsed throughout the store.
“Oh, this is for you.” Luhan dropped a bag onto Kyungsoo’s lap on the ride home. Kyungsoo reached inside and pulled out records- Sinatra, Dean Martin, Frankie Laine- all artists Kyungsoo had mentioned in passing and all in Kyungsoo’s hands.
“But this is so expensive,” Kyungsoo said, eyes wide in alarm.
Luhan laughed. “I’ve been saving up for a while. Besides, it’s almost your birthday.”
Kyungsoo stroked the covers, gingerly tracing the outline of Sinatra’s name. “I don’t even have a record player.”
“I’ve got one at my place.”
Kyungsoo looked up at him, and for a moment, the street lights were caught in his eyes, sparkling right at Luhan.
“Now you’ll have to come over to my place a lot more often,” Luhan winked. Kyungsoo’s blush could be seen through the darkness of the taxi.
“That’s so lame,” Kyungsoo whispered. But there was a smile on his face as he looked back down.
Luhan knew he probably seemed kind of cool right then, maybe even dashing in a nonchalant way, but really, he was terrified; terrified because this was the only way he could think of showing Kyungsoo that he wanted him, that he didn’t want Sehun to be there anymore, that he didn’t want anyone or anything else to be there-
He just wanted Kyungsoo.
---
Everything Kyungsoo did broke Luhan’s heart. From the downward crinkle of his eyes when he thought something was funny to the tilt of his heart-shaped mouth- the bow of his lips spreading between small teeth- or when he whispered to Luhan backstage, his smooth voice creating colours and sparks behind Luhan’s eyes that made him feel like he was high on something he never wanted to get over- it all made living so unbearably hard because Luhan had never, so desperately, wanted to be with someone.
It was all a bit worrying.
---
For weeks, Luhan tried very hard not to consider the pros and cons of his relationship. Because he was sure that if he actually took the time to write it out, the cons would be longer than Wufan’s legs. Instead, Luhan convinced himself that Kyungsoo just needed more time and that, considering everything, they were doing well.
Though sometimes, Luhan had to wonder if liking someone should hurt this much.
“You’re a masochist,” Zitao commented off-handedly one evening. He was lying on the living room floor, staring up at Luhan as he stretched his body.
“Do not even start with me, magnae,” Luhan warned. He slouched further into the couch, fingers tapping the faux leather anxiously as he waited for Kyungsoo to respond to his text.
“On a scale of one to Sehun, are you above or below Jongin?”
Luhan flung a pillow at Zitao, who laughed as he smacked it away. Luhan was reaching for the remote next when the soft ping of his phone distracted him and he jumped to check the message.
“I’m being serious, ge,” Zitao said softly. Luhan ignored him. He turned to his phone only to be met with Zitao’s hand.
“Ge,” Zitao continued. “Have you thought about what Kyungsoo hyung wants?”
And Luhan almost laughed because of course he’s thought about Kyungsoo wants. Ever since the beginning of their relationship Luhan had been questioning why Kyungsoo had said yes, but even if he’s a substitute, even if Luhan is a trade-off for Sehun, Luhan was willing to take it; he was willing to do anything if it just meant Kyungsoo would look at him.
But no matter how many jokes or stupid puns or whatever lame suggestion Jongin gave Luhan, Kyungsoo never laughed as brightly as when he was around Sehun. And no matter how many hugs or small pecks Luhan tried to sneak in during breaks, Kyungsoo never blushed as brightly as when Sehun even fucking looked at him. So how can Luhan not think about what Kyungsoo wants, when it was so obvious what it was?
Zitao let go, offering him a light pat on the shoulder as he left the room. Luhan watched him leave, his phone’s glowing screen forgotten.
---
Luhan broke up with Kyungsoo on the Tuesday before M returned to China. It was a bit cliché and cowardly to say the least, but Luhan didn’t care anymore. And he doubted Kyungsoo would either.
He considered a whole speech about a broken heart and giving his all, but Luhan only managed that Kyungsoo was always watching Sehun anyways and “I should have realized we were hopeless from the start, huh?”
He didn’t look at Kyungsoo; he was too afraid to see what was in Kyungsoo’s eyes- relief, happiness, the truth Luhan had hidden from himself for so long. Instead, Luhan quickly dumped his record player into Kyungsoo’s arms and walked out the door.
---
When Luhan got into the van with Zitao’s best BB cream plastered over his eye bags, and when Luhan blasted songs into his headphones from the moment he got on the plane until they reached the hotel in China, Yixing didn’t say a word. He just mouthed a “He’ll be fine” at Wufan and let Luhan sleep through the first wave of rehearsals with the blinds drawn and the door double-locked. He came back later with a box of Dragon’s beard candy in one hand and a pack of face masks in the other.
Yixing had always understood him the best.
“I don’t understand you,” Yixing said. He raised an eyebrow before turning back to his laptop, feet propped against Luhan’s pillows. “I just tolerate you.”
Luhan had smiled at that.
“I just want him to be happy,” Luhan said. “Besides, I tried. Right?”
For a while, there was no response and Luhan listened to the steady clacks as Yixing typed away.
“You’re a weird guy,” Yixing eventually responded. But there was still that impish grin on his face, and Luhan would forever come to appreciate it.
He gave a choked giggle before kicking Yixing off his bed.
---
Luhan considered getting a puppy.
“It’s like the same thing,” he said, nudging Yixing awake. “Its eyes might not be as big as Kyungsoo’s, but it’d be close enough.”
Yixing groaned, turning over in his seat. “We just flew fourteen straight hours, most of which I had to listen to Chanyeol and Wufan talk to each other in something that is not English. So please, for the love of all good things, let me sleep.”
Luhan huffed, gazing around the van to see that everyone else was also past coherence. Sometimes, he felt like the youngest of the group. Luhan was scrambling through his bag for a pen -to enhance Wufan’s eyebrows- when someone knocked on their door.
“We’ve got one more,” his manager said. “K’s van is full with luggage so Kyungsoo’s riding with us.”
Something caught in Luhan’s throat. It had a month since Luhan had left for China, and except for the SMTOWN concert they had just finished in LA, he hadn’t seen Kyungsoo since. Luhan breathed slowly, trying to calm the racing of his heart as Kyungsoo clambered into their van.
“You’re really tiny,” Luhan chuckled softly. He couldn’t help his laughter as he watched Kyungsoo squish carefully in between Zitao and Wufan, the small boy barely breathing as he tried not to wake either sleeping giant. Kyungsoo’s gaze found his own and he glared at Luhan’s slight smirk.
“At least I’m not ridiculously thin, hyung,” Kyungsoo whispered to him. He eyed Luhan’s prominent collarbones pointedly before tossing him his scarf. “You’ll catch a cold if you’re not healthy.”
Zitao grumbled in his sleep, reaching over to latch onto Kyungsoo’s arm. The latter merely chuckled as he turned forwards, patting Zitao’s hair in slow strokes. Luhan held Kyungsoo’s scarf to his nose, inhaling the scent of clean soap and a hint of spices- Kyungsoo- as he observed the even motion of Kyungsoo’s hands.
Luhan leaned forward to whisper, “I didn’t know you cared so much about me.” He dangled the scarf next to Kyungsoo’s head.
A few moments passed, only Minseok’s occasional snores and Wufan’s grunts filling the silence in the car, before Kyungsoo quietly responded.
“I’ve always cared, hyung. You just never noticed.”
---
Luhan lay across Yixing’s bed, one hand tugging idly on his piercing as he watched Yixing tune his guitar.
“He said I never noticed,” Luhan muttered. “What the hell does that mean?”
Yixing hummed, plucking the strings with nimble fingers. Luhan closed his eyes.
All he had ever noticed was Kyungsoo- Kyungsoo and his full lips that turned into an awkward smile whenever Luhan told him a joke; Kyungsoo and his soft eyes that would catch his own at award shows when Wufan is saying something ridiculous or Joonmyun is stuttering again and it’s all Luhan can do not to laugh; Kyungsoo and his beautiful voice that would hum a Chinese nursery rhyme Luhan taught him during long airplane rides; Kyungsoo and his ridiculous face that would blush furiously when Luhan would tug him into a corner and press kisses into his cheeks and “be quiet, Kyungsoo, or Joonmyun will find us,” and Kyungsoo would whine but press back harder and-oh.
“Oh,” Luhan breathed.
“Hm,” Yixing agreed. “You’re slow.”
Luhan laughed before kicking him off the bed.
---
Luhan cornered Kyungsoo one last time. He promised Joonmyun that he would not harm his vocalist-“And I’ll get you a date with Jongdae,” Luhan added, pushing past a sputtering Joonmyun into the apartment- and shoved an entire season of anime at Jongin before locking the door to Kyungsoo’s room.
“I really don’t think Jongin would appreciate that,” Kyungsoo said as Luhan sat on Jongin’s desk. Luhan got up, knocking off Jongin’s books, as he faced Kyungsoo.
“I’m going to take back my record player.”
“Are you now?”
“Yes. Because now you have an excuse to come over to my place.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, because no offense, but Jongin’s socks stink up this entire room.”
“I keep telling him that but-“
And Luhan pressed his lips against Kyungsoo’s, hoping and praying that when he opened his eyes, he would see nothing but himself in Kyungsoo’s dark orbs. He squeezed his eyes shut, tight and tighter, as Kyungsoo pulled away.
“Hey, Luhan,” Kyungsoo said softly, pressing his palm to Luhan’s face. “Look at me.”
Luhan opened his eyes.
---
“Yixing hyung, do you know what Luhan hyung and Kyungsoo are doing?”
“Bubble tea.”
“But, I just saw Luhan hyung go into Kyungsoo’s room…”
“…”
“And they locked the door…”
“…”
“And Jongin keeps complaining about noises.”
“Like I said, Sehun. Bubble tea.”
“…is that what they call it now?”
---
a/n: entry for SNCJ's Secret Santa Fic Exchange. it was fun and i can't wait to participate again! there were so many good entries- ah, i have a long ways to go in writing.
a/n part 2: did i ever mention how much i love rare pairs?
Pairing: Luhan/D.O.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5691
A/N: Entry for SNCJ Secret Santa Exchange. It has been locked on the comm so here is a repost.
---
Luhan had first caught it when Sehun had introduced him to his friends. It had been before afternoon rehearsals and Sehun had excitedly dragged him into a practice room with “they all want to meet you, hyung, especially Kyungsoo.” Luhan had barely been able to keep up with all the names and fresh faces that had been thrown at him, but he had remembered one face in particular.
The boy had full lips that pursed into a hesitant smile and wide eyes that stared directly at him. Luhan had been used to the looks that came with being a Chinese trainee, but there was something more- something darker- behind that particular stare.
“This is Kyungsoo hyung,” Sehun had introduced him.
“I’m glad we finally meet,” Kyungsoo said. His voice was soft, a pleasant sound. “Sehun talks so much about you.”
It was later that Luhan realized what Kyungsoo’s words had meant. Rehearsals had finally finished, and Luhan was gathering his things when-
“Don’t mess with Sehun.”
Luhan turned to see Kyungsoo behind him. His face was flushed, a thin sheen of sweat across his brow, as he glared at Luhan.
“Excuse me?”
“Sehun misinterprets things.” Kyungsoo’s voice was still light, but there was a hint contempt laced within his words. “He thinks people like him.”
“I do like Sehun,” Luhan replied carefully. “He’s a nice kid-“
“Exactly. He’s a kid.” Kyungsoo turned to leave. “He hasn’t known you long enough to be your type.”
---
Luhan figured it out a few days later. He was in Hongdae with a few friends from college, sitting down for a new piercing, when he saw Sehun tug Kyungsoo into the shop. Kyungsoo was all awkward smiles and half-hearted complaints as they browsed through the rows of jewelry and naively giggled at the tattoo samples that littered the walls.
It wasn’t the piercing so much as Kyungsoo’s gaze- the tenderness, the intensity and yearning behind those eyes, all directed at Sehun- that had startled Luhan, and he let out a soft oh right as the needle slid through his ear.
“It doesn’t hurt that much,” his friend smirked, and all his friends laughed, loud chuckles filling the small space of the shop. Luhan hadn’t paid them any attention, too focused on watching Kyungsoo. The boy glanced over, paling when he met Luhan’s gaze. Kyungsoo mumbled something before quickly tugging on Sehun’s arm, and Luhan barely caught Sehun’s confused face as the pair left the store.
“That Kyungsoo kid,” Luhan later said. He was sprawled across Yixing’s bed, one hand finger tugging idly on his new piercing as he watched Yixing string his guitar. “What do you know about him?”
“Isn’t he the one with that creepy-ass stare?”
Luhan laughed.
“I know he follows Sehun everywhere,” Yixing shrugged. “I think someone said they’re best friends.”
“Hm.”
Yixing paused, a smirk on his face. “That is, they were best friends until you came along.” He snickered at Luhan’s raised eyebrow. “Everyone knows Sehun has been following you around since you guys went on that date.”
“It was bubble tea.”
“Is that what they call it now?”
Luhan rolled his eyes, moving to kick Yixing off the bed because that is ridiculous. It was ridiculous that they were anything more than friends, and it was ridiculous that Kyungsoo should be angry about bubble tea outings. Besides, it was Kyungsoo who followed Sehun everywhere, Kyungsoo who interrogated Sehun’s new friends, Kyungsoo who watched after Sehun with that look of longing and- oh.
---
“I think we started off on the wrong foot,” Luhan said the next day. He had cornered Kyungsoo before rehearsal, dragging him away from Jongin with something about voice lessons, and now they were standing awkwardly in the hallway. “I don’t like Sehun.”
Kyungsoo stared up at him. “That’s not what you said last time.”
“I- no, I mean, not like that.” Luhan sighed. “It was bubble tea.”
“Is that what they call it now?”
Luhan squinted at him. “Have you been talking to Yixing?”
“It’s not a big deal,” Kyungsoo muttered. He toed at the ground. “I just don’t want him to hang around with the wrong people.”
And it really shouldn’t be a big deal. Luhan usually didn’t care what others thought about him, much less what he and others did, but Kyungsoo- Kyungsoo intrigued him. There was something about the tired tilt of his lips and the depth of his eyes that dragged Luhan in; he wanted Kyungsoo to look at him like that, to worry and fret over, to yearn and long, for him.
Kyungsoo yelped when Luhan reached into Kyungsoo’s pocket. “What are you doing?!” His voice sounded scandalized as Luhan pulled out Kyungsoo’s phone and began tapping on it.
“You’re going to text me after practice ends,” Luhan said. “I just put in my number, so let me know when you’re done and we’ll meet up.”
“What-“
Luhan handed Kyungsoo back his phone with a smile. “Bubble tea. It’ll be fun.”
---
“So I heard you and Kyungsoo went on a date today.”
Luhan shrugged, doing his best to ignore Yixing’s leering face. He focused on his manga, occasionally stretching his toes to prod at his roommate across the floor.
“Sehun will be heartbroken.”
“You really need to lay off that fan fiction,” Luhan replied, rolling over. “It does things to your head.”
“But what about all the HunHan fans?” Wufan asked as he walked in. Yixing laughed loudly, offering him a high-five.
“They’re already making up names for you two,” Yixing said. “You’re going to be busy when Kyungsoo joins.”
“Wait,” Luhan sat up. “Kyungsoo is going to be in EXO?”
Yixing and Wufan simultaneously smirked at the excitement in his voice. “That’s what they’re saying,” Yixing chuckled. “He won’t be in M though.”
“I vote we trade him,” Luhan immediately said. “I’m willing to sacrifice either one of you.”
“Sadly, that’s not how the teams work,” Wufan replied dryly. He kicked at Luhan, ignoring his whines of pain, before continuing. “But could you even imagine him in China? Every time they ask him a question, his eyes would get bigger and bigger- they’re huge.”
---
“Why are your eyes so big?”
Kyungsoo looked up from his music, scooting back when he noticed Luhan’s piercing gaze. He blinked a few times as he shuffled the papers in front of him. “What kind of question is that?”
“A legitimate one,” Luhan easily replied. He tilted his head. “But your eyes really are so big. Were you dropped on your head as a baby?”
“That has nothing to do with it,” Kyungsoo hissed. He ducked his head when the voice instructor glared in their direction. “Shouldn’t you be more focused on the recording today?”
“Jongdae’s going to spend a majority of the time working on his pronunciations,” Luhan waved away. “By the time they get to me, they won’t care how badly I sound as long as we finish it.”
“Then why are you here?” Kyungsoo retorted. “Don’t you have other rehearsals or something?”
“You worry too much,” Luhan said. He reached over to doodle on Kyungsoo’s music. “And maybe I just wanted to-“
“Hyung!”
Luhan winced as Sehun ran excitedly into the room, plopping into a seat between the pair. He gave Kyungsoo a quick hug before turning eagerly to Luhan.
“Hyung, I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You promised we would go to that one restaurant-“
Luhan barely paid attention to Sehun’s rambles, observing Kyungsoo instead; the boy was listening intently to Sehun’s every word and that unabashed affection in his eyes was there again, growing brighter the longer he stared at Sehun. It was completely different from the way he looked at anyone else, something so private yet blatantly obvious, and watching this all, Luhan felt something overwhelm him.
“I really need to work on this right now, Sehun,” Luhan quickly interrupted. He ruffled Sehun’s hair, shooting him an apologetic smile. “We can talk some other time.”
Sehun pouted slightly before nodding. He turned to leave, throwing Luhan one last wave and grin before he was gone.
Luhan sighed as he turned back to Kyungsoo. “As I was saying-“
“I wish he would look at me like that,” Kyungsoo said softly. “Just even once.”
---
Luhan watched him sometimes. He watched how Kyungsoo immediately looked up whenever Sehun walked into the room, and he watched how Kyungsoo was the first one to offer Sehun a towel or a bottle of water during breaks. He watched the way Kyungsoo smiled widely, lips stretched sideways and teeth gleaming, and he watched the way Kyungsoo turned a pretty, pretty pink whenever Sehun slung an arm around the elder’s shoulders.
And Luhan noticed the way Kyungsoo faltered when he caught Luhan and Sehun talking together, how Kyungsoo bit his lips and clenched his shirt when Sehun whispered some nonsense into Luhan’s ear. He noticed how Kyungsoo stared at Sehun for too long during rehearsals, something beautifully painful in those wide eyes.
But Luhan never caught Kyungsoo looking at him.
---
“I know it’s here somewhere.”
“Face it. We’re lost.”
“Just give me a second-“
“How do you even get lost? We’re five minutes from the dorms-“
“Why don’t you find it then?! You’re the Korean!”
Luhan and Kyungsoo glared at one another before Kyungsoo was the first to give up, heaving a sigh as he grabbed Luhan’s phone.
“What kind of directions are these?” he muttered, squinting at the screen.
“Ones from a very trustworthy college friend-“
“Turn right at the fifth fire hydrant, avoid the alley though, and then walk straight taking the curved path behind the sketchy night club.”
Luhan scowled. “He wasn’t the brightest person.”
“You don’t say,” Kyungsoo deadpanned.
It was their one day off and Luhan had suggested they go shopping. He had grabbed Kyungsoo and run out the door before Sehun could catch either one. Luhan had planned for a fun day, maybe get Kyungsoo to open up to him a little more, maybe even smile in Luhan’s direction every now and then, but so far he had only managed to get them lost in the middle of Gangnam’s busy streets.
“Shit,” Luhan sighed. “And it was our last day off before debut too.”
He kicked at the ground, wishing a million and one damnations on his friend. Kyungsoo bit his lip before hesitantly tugging on Luhan’s jacket.
“I know a hot pot place around here,” he said. “Come on.”
He led them to a hole-in -the-wall restaurant a few streets over. It was a small eatery, maybe five tables in all, but the servings were huge and the spices reminded Luhan of home; he slurped the food with gusto, chuckling when Kyungsoo threw him a disgusted glance.
“You’re much better with directions than I am,” Luhan said. He leaned his head on the table, relishing the warmth of a full stomach. “I vote you choose where we go from now on.”
“Why me?” Kyungsoo replied. “I’m sure Sehun would know a lot more places than I do.”
Luhan rolled his eyes, reaching out to poke at Kyungsoo’s cheek. “Maybe I just wanted to hang out with you.”
Kyungsoo moved out of his reach. “Why would you want to be with me?” he murmured. “I’m not interesting or anything, but you-” Kyungsoo rubbed his eyes, clenching his fists when his voice began to tremble. “You have everyone you want.”
---
After months of just watching Kyungsoo, Luhan decided he had had enough.
(“About damn time,” Yixing groaned. “It was starting to get creepy. You were like one of those Furby things.”)
Luhan cornered Kyungsoo again, this time in K’s dorm. He had to shove past a confused Joonmyun into the apartment and kick a disgruntled Jongin out of the room before he finally managed to get Kyungsoo alone.
“Let’s get one thing clear,” Luhan started. He propped his feet on Jongin’s desk, ignoring Kyungsoo’s hesitant, “Um, I don’t think Jongin would appreciate that.”
“I don’t like straight boys,” Luhan said. “Too much stress and, quite frankly, a waste of my time.”
Kyungsoo choked a little bit, shifting awkwardly on the bed as he picked at his Pororo sheets. “Why are you telling me-”
“I prefer guys that are like me.”
Mild panic flashed across Kyungsoo’s face. “I respect your life choices?” he tried.
“Oh Sehun is straight. Touchy, but completely and ridiculously straight.”
“What-”
“But you’re not.”
“...”
“So how about you try me.”
---
Luhan spent the next two hours trying to explain to Joonmyun that he was not in fact trying to sabotage EXO-K, or EXO for that matter, and no, he did not want their main vocalist to die by flustered choking.
Wufan gave him an exasperated look before trying to placate a slightly hysterical Joonmyun while Yixing and Jongin silently laughed across the room. Luhan would have glared back but he was too busy trying to coax Kyungsoo out of the bathroom.
“Kyungsoo,” Luhan tried again, knocking on the door. “Come out, please? I just… I didn’t mean to scare you, okay?”
Luhan pressed his forehead to the door. This was not how he had planned this to go. He had expected to Kyungsoo to freak out a slight bit, maybe turn that attractive shade of red or cry with joy, but he didn’t think Kyungsoo would have locked himself in the bathroom. Luhan sighed, too tired to even flick off Jongin’s leer, as he knocked once more. He’s probably never going to talk to me again, god, why did I even think this was a good idea, it’s Kyungsoo, there’s no way he would even consider me, he hates-
“Okay.”
There was a pause. Luhan froze for a second before he plastered his ear to the door.
“Kyungsoo, am I just hearing things or did you say-“
“Okay. I said okay. I’ll go out with you.”
---
The next morning, Wufan had to explain to the managers why the bathroom door in K’s dorm had a foot-sized hole through it. He also had to escort an incoherent Joonmyun through a day’s worth of schedules, comfort a traumatized Kyungsoo, and pay for the bathroom door repairs.
He dragged Luhan to the nearest cosmetics store for retail therapy. Luhan was okay with this.
---
Dating Kyungsoo was no different from hanging out with him before because debut had just started and well, twelve boys. Yixing never failed to tease Luhan at every opportunity and Jongdae still asked “Wait, you and Kyungsoo?” And Luhan would sniff in Jongdae’s direction because “Yes, what’s wrong with me and Kyungsoo?” and then smack Yixing across the head before texting “my boyfriend.”
Short messages were the only way they could communicate these days (“Who’s brilliant idea was it to separate the groups by an entire ocean anyways?” Luhan whined. “Your fucking boss,” his manager growled, snatching away his phone) but Luhan was willing to get what he could. He sent messages whenever there was a break and had even teamed up with Zitao to discover new emoticons he could text Kyungsoo.
“You’re disgusting,” Yixing groaned, watching as Luhan giggled into his phone. “I can’t even imagine what Kyungsoo must be like right now.”
Luhan snorted. He could imagine exactly what Kyungsoo would be like; he would probably blush every time Luhan sent a message, lips parting and eyes widening in embarrassment when he sees Luhan’s latest set of sparkly emoticons complete with cheesy sound effects- Luhan would have to speak to Jongin about getting pictures of Kyungsoo’s reactions.
“Does he even know that you two are dating?” Minseok asked one night. He sat on the floor, watching as Luhan struggled to close his suitcase. They were returning to Korea in the morning and Luhan had all these bug-eyed dolls he wanted to give to Kyungsoo.
“What?”
“I mean,” Minseok shrugged. “I’ve never seen Kyungsoo really, you know- freak out- about your relationship like you do.”
“Kyungsoo’s shy about that kind of stuff,” Luhan waved away. He eyed Minseok’s larger bag and slowly reached out for it.
“Well,” Minseok said, kicking his bag out of Luhan’s reach. “He seems to have no problem about doing that kind of stuff with Jongin.”
---
It took all of three fan videos and two photoshopped images (“Very nicely done,” Zitao admitted) for Luhan to confront Jongin as soon as he returned to SM.
Luhan warned Jongin to stay away, because “Kyungsoo, in case you don’t know, is mine.” And Jongin laughed loudly, as in feet-stomping and thigh-slapping loudly, because “that’s funny coming from the guy who’s got an entire fan club based on his and Sehun’s relationship.”
“I don’t give a fuck what the fan clubs think.”
Jongin laughed once more. Luhan watched as Jongin ran through the new dance moves- they’re all wired about this group performance that’s in a few days, especially since Jongdae has to run across the fucking stage in two seconds and that kid is lazy as hell- when he caught Jongin’s gaze. His smile was softer now, the amusement replaced with a bit of pity as he patted Luhan’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry about me, hyung. It’s Sehun you need to watch out for.”
Luhan snorted. “Sehun and I are as real as Chanyeol’s sanity.”
Jongin sighed. “Not you and Sehun. I’m talking about Kyungsoo.”
---
When Luhan went home that night, he ignored Yixing’s protests and locked himself and Yixing’s laptop in the bathroom. He spent the night watching the interviews, the performances, the fan pictures- and Luhan saw it.
Luhan saw it again- the look in Kyungsoo’s eyes, the way his eyebrows would lift the slightest when Sehun talked, the way he would unconsciously lean into Sehun’s touch or trail after him on and off stage. Luhan had seen it all before, but it still hurt. It fucking made his chest ache as he watched Kyungsoo smile in a way that he had never seen him smile before- at least, not at him.
Luhan sniffed. Kyungsoo was his boyfriend.
---
Apparently, Luhan has a problem.
Minseok was the first to mention it, calling it “a bit unhealthy.” Wufan only shook his head and refused to acknowledge it, like every leader of a Kpop boy band should do. Yixing told Luhan he’s “goddamn creepy” and “I think it’s illegal.”
Because apparently, handcuffing his boyfriend to a bed with a sign that says “Luhan’s Property” on his chest was not considered normal.
Minseok tried to explain it to Luhan first. “It’s just that- humanity- doesn’t look too favorably upon considering people as personal items. I think the term is slavery.”
And Luhan only laughed because he wasn’t trying to make Kyungsoo his personal item. He just didn’t want anyone else to ever flirt with him, ever get too close, or ever talk to Kyungsoo- his Kyungsoo.
“I’m protecting him from the weird people of the world,” Luhan said. Yixing coughed - choked- on his chips.
“You handcuffed him to the bed!” Yixing shouted exasperatedly. “And then told all of EXO-K that Kyungsoo has herpes so everyone should avoid him.”
Luhan squinted, tilting his head cutely with a confused expression on his face. “I would never do that.”
Later, Wufan called an emergency meeting on account of “the questionable behavior of certain Chinese members.”
“It’s like my bed,” Luhan explained. “Only my body is allowed to touch it.”
Yixing snickered when Jongdae choked on his drink. Zitao only murmured, “Luhan ge really does have a problem,” and Wufan appeared as though he was trying to rub his eyeballs into the back of his head.
“But that’s exactly our point,” Wufan said as calmly as possible. “Kyungsoo is not like your bed. At all.”
“But-”
“Nothing. Kyungsoo is a human. Flesh. Breathing. Not a bed.”
“But they’re both soft-”
“No-”
“...and squishy...”
“Goddamnit, Luhan! I said no.”
---
Honestly speaking, Luhan admitted the handcuffs were probably over the top. But he hadn’t been able to help himself.
He had returned from rehearsals early, sneaking out with the excuse of an upset stomach, and rushed all the way to K’s dorms with a bag of presents for Kyungsoo in his hand- only to find Sehun lying across Kyungsoo’s lap, eyes closed and face content as Kyungsoo ran small fingers through his hair, humming under his breath.
Now Kyungsoo’s voice was something that melted Luhan’s heart. He had heard many beautiful voices before; Lay’s soothing hums helped ease the loneliness of some nights and Jongdae’s haunting melodies never failed to send chills down his spine. But Kyungsoo- Kyungsoo’s voice made Luhan see things.
Luhan saw waves crashing on the beach as the sun splashed red and purple and orange across the darkening waters. He saw bright city lights that flickered in sets of white, green, red against a cold black night, or pounding basses and long nights in studios rewarded by a soft bed and a few hours to dream about the future. Luhan saw Beijing back when he was a kid, when he and his friends had listened to bootlegged copies of concerts in the neighborhood playground, and they had all giggled when Luhan tried to dance to Rising Sun. Luhan saw restless airplane rides that were worth it when he woke up to see a patch of the early morning sun shining through the window, Kyungsoo’s small hand clasped within his own.
But Luhan couldn’t help wondering sometimes- was Kyungsoo singing for him, or for Sehun?
And watching Kyungsoo with that beautiful smile on his face as he looked down at Sehun, Luhan was all too afraid that he knew the answer.
---
Luhan dragged Kyungsoo out after the SMTOWN concert. The hairspray was still sticking to their clothing and their makeup was smudged, but Luhan threw a hoodie and a hat over both their heads and pushed Kyungsoo into a taxi.
“Where are we-“
“Just humor me, yeah?”
Luhan squeezed his hand tightly, handing the driver directions, and turned to face out the window.
They arrived at a dark street Kyungsoo had never heard before, and Luhan tugged him down an even darker alleyway. He squinted at the various flickering window signs before smiling with triumph.
“Found it!” he grinned.
The store was called History Records, a tiny place nestled between a rundown karaoke bar and a dumpster. Kyungsoo eyed its fading neon red sign warily as he followed Luhan inside. The entire store must have been the size of their dorm bathroom, cramped and limiting movement; in every available space were shelves filled with vinyl records. Kyungsoo gaped at the walls that held the classics, all encased in pristine covers that gleamed under the cheap fluorescent lights.
“This was the place I tried to find last time,” Luhan said, wrapping an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “I used Google Maps this time.”
“You did?”
“Well…Wufan might have helped me a little bit.”
Kyungsoo let out a soft chuckle. Luhan relished Kyungsoo’s expression, the quiet excitement that stretched from his eyes to his trembling fingers, as he browsed throughout the store.
“Oh, this is for you.” Luhan dropped a bag onto Kyungsoo’s lap on the ride home. Kyungsoo reached inside and pulled out records- Sinatra, Dean Martin, Frankie Laine- all artists Kyungsoo had mentioned in passing and all in Kyungsoo’s hands.
“But this is so expensive,” Kyungsoo said, eyes wide in alarm.
Luhan laughed. “I’ve been saving up for a while. Besides, it’s almost your birthday.”
Kyungsoo stroked the covers, gingerly tracing the outline of Sinatra’s name. “I don’t even have a record player.”
“I’ve got one at my place.”
Kyungsoo looked up at him, and for a moment, the street lights were caught in his eyes, sparkling right at Luhan.
“Now you’ll have to come over to my place a lot more often,” Luhan winked. Kyungsoo’s blush could be seen through the darkness of the taxi.
“That’s so lame,” Kyungsoo whispered. But there was a smile on his face as he looked back down.
Luhan knew he probably seemed kind of cool right then, maybe even dashing in a nonchalant way, but really, he was terrified; terrified because this was the only way he could think of showing Kyungsoo that he wanted him, that he didn’t want Sehun to be there anymore, that he didn’t want anyone or anything else to be there-
He just wanted Kyungsoo.
---
Everything Kyungsoo did broke Luhan’s heart. From the downward crinkle of his eyes when he thought something was funny to the tilt of his heart-shaped mouth- the bow of his lips spreading between small teeth- or when he whispered to Luhan backstage, his smooth voice creating colours and sparks behind Luhan’s eyes that made him feel like he was high on something he never wanted to get over- it all made living so unbearably hard because Luhan had never, so desperately, wanted to be with someone.
It was all a bit worrying.
---
For weeks, Luhan tried very hard not to consider the pros and cons of his relationship. Because he was sure that if he actually took the time to write it out, the cons would be longer than Wufan’s legs. Instead, Luhan convinced himself that Kyungsoo just needed more time and that, considering everything, they were doing well.
Though sometimes, Luhan had to wonder if liking someone should hurt this much.
“You’re a masochist,” Zitao commented off-handedly one evening. He was lying on the living room floor, staring up at Luhan as he stretched his body.
“Do not even start with me, magnae,” Luhan warned. He slouched further into the couch, fingers tapping the faux leather anxiously as he waited for Kyungsoo to respond to his text.
“On a scale of one to Sehun, are you above or below Jongin?”
Luhan flung a pillow at Zitao, who laughed as he smacked it away. Luhan was reaching for the remote next when the soft ping of his phone distracted him and he jumped to check the message.
“I’m being serious, ge,” Zitao said softly. Luhan ignored him. He turned to his phone only to be met with Zitao’s hand.
“Ge,” Zitao continued. “Have you thought about what Kyungsoo hyung wants?”
And Luhan almost laughed because of course he’s thought about Kyungsoo wants. Ever since the beginning of their relationship Luhan had been questioning why Kyungsoo had said yes, but even if he’s a substitute, even if Luhan is a trade-off for Sehun, Luhan was willing to take it; he was willing to do anything if it just meant Kyungsoo would look at him.
But no matter how many jokes or stupid puns or whatever lame suggestion Jongin gave Luhan, Kyungsoo never laughed as brightly as when he was around Sehun. And no matter how many hugs or small pecks Luhan tried to sneak in during breaks, Kyungsoo never blushed as brightly as when Sehun even fucking looked at him. So how can Luhan not think about what Kyungsoo wants, when it was so obvious what it was?
Zitao let go, offering him a light pat on the shoulder as he left the room. Luhan watched him leave, his phone’s glowing screen forgotten.
---
Luhan broke up with Kyungsoo on the Tuesday before M returned to China. It was a bit cliché and cowardly to say the least, but Luhan didn’t care anymore. And he doubted Kyungsoo would either.
He considered a whole speech about a broken heart and giving his all, but Luhan only managed that Kyungsoo was always watching Sehun anyways and “I should have realized we were hopeless from the start, huh?”
He didn’t look at Kyungsoo; he was too afraid to see what was in Kyungsoo’s eyes- relief, happiness, the truth Luhan had hidden from himself for so long. Instead, Luhan quickly dumped his record player into Kyungsoo’s arms and walked out the door.
---
When Luhan got into the van with Zitao’s best BB cream plastered over his eye bags, and when Luhan blasted songs into his headphones from the moment he got on the plane until they reached the hotel in China, Yixing didn’t say a word. He just mouthed a “He’ll be fine” at Wufan and let Luhan sleep through the first wave of rehearsals with the blinds drawn and the door double-locked. He came back later with a box of Dragon’s beard candy in one hand and a pack of face masks in the other.
Yixing had always understood him the best.
“I don’t understand you,” Yixing said. He raised an eyebrow before turning back to his laptop, feet propped against Luhan’s pillows. “I just tolerate you.”
Luhan had smiled at that.
“I just want him to be happy,” Luhan said. “Besides, I tried. Right?”
For a while, there was no response and Luhan listened to the steady clacks as Yixing typed away.
“You’re a weird guy,” Yixing eventually responded. But there was still that impish grin on his face, and Luhan would forever come to appreciate it.
He gave a choked giggle before kicking Yixing off his bed.
---
Luhan considered getting a puppy.
“It’s like the same thing,” he said, nudging Yixing awake. “Its eyes might not be as big as Kyungsoo’s, but it’d be close enough.”
Yixing groaned, turning over in his seat. “We just flew fourteen straight hours, most of which I had to listen to Chanyeol and Wufan talk to each other in something that is not English. So please, for the love of all good things, let me sleep.”
Luhan huffed, gazing around the van to see that everyone else was also past coherence. Sometimes, he felt like the youngest of the group. Luhan was scrambling through his bag for a pen -to enhance Wufan’s eyebrows- when someone knocked on their door.
“We’ve got one more,” his manager said. “K’s van is full with luggage so Kyungsoo’s riding with us.”
Something caught in Luhan’s throat. It had a month since Luhan had left for China, and except for the SMTOWN concert they had just finished in LA, he hadn’t seen Kyungsoo since. Luhan breathed slowly, trying to calm the racing of his heart as Kyungsoo clambered into their van.
“You’re really tiny,” Luhan chuckled softly. He couldn’t help his laughter as he watched Kyungsoo squish carefully in between Zitao and Wufan, the small boy barely breathing as he tried not to wake either sleeping giant. Kyungsoo’s gaze found his own and he glared at Luhan’s slight smirk.
“At least I’m not ridiculously thin, hyung,” Kyungsoo whispered to him. He eyed Luhan’s prominent collarbones pointedly before tossing him his scarf. “You’ll catch a cold if you’re not healthy.”
Zitao grumbled in his sleep, reaching over to latch onto Kyungsoo’s arm. The latter merely chuckled as he turned forwards, patting Zitao’s hair in slow strokes. Luhan held Kyungsoo’s scarf to his nose, inhaling the scent of clean soap and a hint of spices- Kyungsoo- as he observed the even motion of Kyungsoo’s hands.
Luhan leaned forward to whisper, “I didn’t know you cared so much about me.” He dangled the scarf next to Kyungsoo’s head.
A few moments passed, only Minseok’s occasional snores and Wufan’s grunts filling the silence in the car, before Kyungsoo quietly responded.
“I’ve always cared, hyung. You just never noticed.”
---
Luhan lay across Yixing’s bed, one hand tugging idly on his piercing as he watched Yixing tune his guitar.
“He said I never noticed,” Luhan muttered. “What the hell does that mean?”
Yixing hummed, plucking the strings with nimble fingers. Luhan closed his eyes.
All he had ever noticed was Kyungsoo- Kyungsoo and his full lips that turned into an awkward smile whenever Luhan told him a joke; Kyungsoo and his soft eyes that would catch his own at award shows when Wufan is saying something ridiculous or Joonmyun is stuttering again and it’s all Luhan can do not to laugh; Kyungsoo and his beautiful voice that would hum a Chinese nursery rhyme Luhan taught him during long airplane rides; Kyungsoo and his ridiculous face that would blush furiously when Luhan would tug him into a corner and press kisses into his cheeks and “be quiet, Kyungsoo, or Joonmyun will find us,” and Kyungsoo would whine but press back harder and-oh.
“Oh,” Luhan breathed.
“Hm,” Yixing agreed. “You’re slow.”
Luhan laughed before kicking him off the bed.
---
Luhan cornered Kyungsoo one last time. He promised Joonmyun that he would not harm his vocalist-“And I’ll get you a date with Jongdae,” Luhan added, pushing past a sputtering Joonmyun into the apartment- and shoved an entire season of anime at Jongin before locking the door to Kyungsoo’s room.
“I really don’t think Jongin would appreciate that,” Kyungsoo said as Luhan sat on Jongin’s desk. Luhan got up, knocking off Jongin’s books, as he faced Kyungsoo.
“I’m going to take back my record player.”
“Are you now?”
“Yes. Because now you have an excuse to come over to my place.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, because no offense, but Jongin’s socks stink up this entire room.”
“I keep telling him that but-“
And Luhan pressed his lips against Kyungsoo’s, hoping and praying that when he opened his eyes, he would see nothing but himself in Kyungsoo’s dark orbs. He squeezed his eyes shut, tight and tighter, as Kyungsoo pulled away.
“Hey, Luhan,” Kyungsoo said softly, pressing his palm to Luhan’s face. “Look at me.”
Luhan opened his eyes.
---
“Yixing hyung, do you know what Luhan hyung and Kyungsoo are doing?”
“Bubble tea.”
“But, I just saw Luhan hyung go into Kyungsoo’s room…”
“…”
“And they locked the door…”
“…”
“And Jongin keeps complaining about noises.”
“Like I said, Sehun. Bubble tea.”
“…is that what they call it now?”
---
a/n: entry for SNCJ's Secret Santa Fic Exchange. it was fun and i can't wait to participate again! there were so many good entries- ah, i have a long ways to go in writing.
a/n part 2: did i ever mention how much i love rare pairs?