Sometimes I wonder if you look at this
I hope so and hope not. I know all these are addressed to you bunny but I'm ashamed that I'm such a loser that I can't give you Up or get over you, that eerytime I see you and your new boyfriend I end up in the hospital becuase I wish I were him so badly back in your arms. I'm literally crying and choking as i write this. I've tried bun I've tried. I eved did ect to try and forget you. It hurt so much and I felt so ashamed. Me alone in the hospital overweight in a Johnny friggen stretch marks on my gut again filthy and unwashed from not bathing in a month my hair so matted they just shaved it off. And they shocked me. Over and over, and I fouled myself in the cot infront of everyone everyone. I was brought low by myself low as Nebuchadnezzar among the animals. I wake up covered in filth and shaved hair and that lousy electo jell and sweat, they asked me who's president, I didn't know. They asked what name was, I didn't know. They asked if I knew where I was either city state or anything. Then they asked me why sre you here samd I remembered a fucking gran mal seizure and I knew I was there becsuse I missed you too much. Of course I couldn't really say thst to them. I was on enough Thorazine and ect that my tounge was useless had to pump me full of Benadryl to stop me from choking on it. I could only manage to choke out the word bunny to them as to why I was there. And for weeks I couldn't remeber snything my whole life history flashed before my eyes too fast. The only thing I could remeber or think of was you. So I screamed, and they put me in five point restrains in the bed for a day let me foul myself again cuase they wouldn't let me out of chains to go to bathroom. I kept saying I'm voluntary I'm voluntary, but they said I couldn't be trusted in the bathroom by myself. The shame, the shame watching own mother couldn't visit me because she couldn't stsnd watching it. Meanwhile everyone there hated me because of the screaming night terrors about you and him. Im not blaming you. This is not your fault, this is my fault, you onoy tried to save yourself and who can blame you. But I love you and don't know how to stop. Do you know what hell is? We used to think hell was being junkies, it's not, hell is knowing thst for the rest of your life your never going to see your beloved, hell is even after s full year and half of no contact of obvious disdain and hate and moving on from me. The threats from your dad,the fact you wouldnt talk to me even once or text me a sentence when I tried to call you from sll these hospitals. Hell is having night terrors where your there and I see you and you forgive me snd take me bak on strict conditionality but you love me all the same, and I'm so happy holding the pillow tight. And then I know your not there, that's hell. But if your happy then that's all thsts matters, it's so sad snd stupid, I still put you first. And you don't even care about me anymore. That's sad and stupid, it's obvious you don't love me anymore it's obvious we will ne'er be together again or firends or anything. I can't even finish this entry, I'm crying too hard. Imlove snd miss you Lauren