Incomplete & Insecure
I nurture melancholy. I've known this for some time, but I only think about it on nights like this, when I have no reason to be unhappy but am anyway. I sit at my desk and put on sad songs and stew in it. "I like it lonely, I like it strange," Bonnie Raitt once sang. Those lines could be about me. Truth be told, I haven't been this chronically unhappy in years. I keep myself occupied during the day with school and friends, but once night falls and I find myself alone the feeling creeps in, sometimes slowly, but sometimes immediately and with full force, as it has tonight.
I mentioned I have no reason to be unhappy. I feel this warrants some explanation. School is even better this term than last. We're finally getting to the real meat of my degree in Film Music Seminar, jazz combo (not a class, but it might as well be) holds some intriguing performance possibilities, and I'm checking off some important entries on my "Movies To See" list in Classics of World Cinema. In addition, I have reconnected with an old friend from years back (with some interesting results) and met two other nice guys over the last month or so. One of them I would even consider dating, although at this point it would be premature to think of our relationship as heading down that path.
Why, then, these dispirited feelings? I have no idea. In my interactions with the aforementioned men, I have realized just how bad I am at reading social cues (the one I would not consider dating even went so far as to describe me as "distant and impersonal," but this is not why I wouldn't date him) and it occurs to me that this, combined with my crippling fear of rejection, may keep me alone for a long time. Depressing as that is, that is something I can hopefully make progress with. So, perhaps, this general melancholia is just a phase. I hope it passes. If not, I may need help.
I actually feel better having written all this down. Maybe I should write more often. Until next time, everyone!
I mentioned I have no reason to be unhappy. I feel this warrants some explanation. School is even better this term than last. We're finally getting to the real meat of my degree in Film Music Seminar, jazz combo (not a class, but it might as well be) holds some intriguing performance possibilities, and I'm checking off some important entries on my "Movies To See" list in Classics of World Cinema. In addition, I have reconnected with an old friend from years back (with some interesting results) and met two other nice guys over the last month or so. One of them I would even consider dating, although at this point it would be premature to think of our relationship as heading down that path.
Why, then, these dispirited feelings? I have no idea. In my interactions with the aforementioned men, I have realized just how bad I am at reading social cues (the one I would not consider dating even went so far as to describe me as "distant and impersonal," but this is not why I wouldn't date him) and it occurs to me that this, combined with my crippling fear of rejection, may keep me alone for a long time. Depressing as that is, that is something I can hopefully make progress with. So, perhaps, this general melancholia is just a phase. I hope it passes. If not, I may need help.
I actually feel better having written all this down. Maybe I should write more often. Until next time, everyone!