A Long Overdue Update
So, I haven't written an entry specifically about my life since basically October of 2008. I am, clearly, the most thorough and prolific writer ever. I don't know what really compels me to write this, except maybe the hope that at least writing it down will get some of these feelings off my chest.
In September I moved to Winston-Salem to start grad school. The good news is, I love school. I love my classes, I love my professor, and I like my classmates. Also, I love my apartment. However, as I've come to realize over these past few months, I hate everything else. I hate living in a city where I don't know anybody, where I feel like a political outsider, and where it seems to be perpetually raining. I hate being alone all the time and I hate the paranoid feeling I have that Jeffrey, a fellow from college who actually lives in my apartment complex, is avoiding me. And I hate not having a job, thanks to a transfer that fell through.
But most of all, I miss Sarah. I miss her so much it hurts sometimes. She's engaged now to a photographer she met at work, and I've never seen her so happy. After years of depression in college, I'm very glad she's found someone to care about. She doesn't have a job at the moment (thanks, economy), but basically her life is on track. Which makes everything I'm about to say really selfish.
I want her back. I want us back. I want back the time where we talked every day and shared everything, watched movies every night and bitched about things at school, shared strange obsessions and went to supermarkets at 1am to buy cupcakes. And I just can't seem to accept that this part of my life is over. It's not like we never talk anymore, but we rarely do and whenever we hang out there are boundaries that weren't there before. She's still my best friend, but I don't know if I'm hers anymore, and that sometimes makes me feel like I've lost the best friend I've ever had. I know it's completely irrational, but sometimes I don't know how else to feel.
Not only that, I fucked up a few months ago. I don't want to recap all the details, because it's painful and embarrassing, but what it boils down to is that I told a joke I thought was funny but was in actuality really inappropriate. Now her fiance, I suspect, hates me (although Sarah was diplomatic in her choice of words when she informed me of this). It's not really a big deal in the long run, but I think I really hurt my chances of keeping our relationship as alive as I'd like. The incident has kept me awake more nights than I would care to admit.
None of this is her problem, I know. I just can't seem to work past it, and it makes me fucking miserable sometimes. I feel depressed for the first time since high school, and I've gotten so good over the years at bottling every single emotion deep inside that I can't cry it out. If I could work up the courage to go out and meet people, get out of this apartment, go to the fucking gym every once in a while, maybe I'd feel better. But I'm much weaker than I thought I was. Or maybe I'm just lazy, which is by far the more frightening of the two options.
In addition, my mother still won't leave me alone. She's constantly hounding me to get a job - I'm sorry, but the economy sucks right now and I don't really appreciate your insinuations that the fact I can't find a job is my fault. I moved into this apartment under the (I guess mistaken) impression that I was an adult and could handle things on my own. Cut the fucking umbilical cord and let me live my own life. The last time Sarah saw me, she told me she sensed I was unhappy. The truth? A simple text message from my mother had sent me into a weird vaguely-depressed mood.
Also, yes, I am still single. Not that that's any big surprise to anyone who knows me. The weird thing is, I still feel pretty good about it. I don't feel lonely because I don't have a boyfriend; I feel lonely because I don't have any friends here. And at this point, it's been so long since I've felt any real attraction to anyone that the very idea of being romantically involved with someone is completely alien to me. I can't even imagine it. I imagine this is unhealthy, but I'll keep it this way for now because I don't need another thing in my life to feel bad about.
Anyway, that's my life. I do feel better writing all this down. Perhaps at some point in the near future I'll provide another update - and I promise it won't be such a touchy-feely exploration of my neuroses. In the meantime, sorry it's been so long since my last real update, and I hope all you folks out there are doing well. See you guys next time!
In September I moved to Winston-Salem to start grad school. The good news is, I love school. I love my classes, I love my professor, and I like my classmates. Also, I love my apartment. However, as I've come to realize over these past few months, I hate everything else. I hate living in a city where I don't know anybody, where I feel like a political outsider, and where it seems to be perpetually raining. I hate being alone all the time and I hate the paranoid feeling I have that Jeffrey, a fellow from college who actually lives in my apartment complex, is avoiding me. And I hate not having a job, thanks to a transfer that fell through.
But most of all, I miss Sarah. I miss her so much it hurts sometimes. She's engaged now to a photographer she met at work, and I've never seen her so happy. After years of depression in college, I'm very glad she's found someone to care about. She doesn't have a job at the moment (thanks, economy), but basically her life is on track. Which makes everything I'm about to say really selfish.
I want her back. I want us back. I want back the time where we talked every day and shared everything, watched movies every night and bitched about things at school, shared strange obsessions and went to supermarkets at 1am to buy cupcakes. And I just can't seem to accept that this part of my life is over. It's not like we never talk anymore, but we rarely do and whenever we hang out there are boundaries that weren't there before. She's still my best friend, but I don't know if I'm hers anymore, and that sometimes makes me feel like I've lost the best friend I've ever had. I know it's completely irrational, but sometimes I don't know how else to feel.
Not only that, I fucked up a few months ago. I don't want to recap all the details, because it's painful and embarrassing, but what it boils down to is that I told a joke I thought was funny but was in actuality really inappropriate. Now her fiance, I suspect, hates me (although Sarah was diplomatic in her choice of words when she informed me of this). It's not really a big deal in the long run, but I think I really hurt my chances of keeping our relationship as alive as I'd like. The incident has kept me awake more nights than I would care to admit.
None of this is her problem, I know. I just can't seem to work past it, and it makes me fucking miserable sometimes. I feel depressed for the first time since high school, and I've gotten so good over the years at bottling every single emotion deep inside that I can't cry it out. If I could work up the courage to go out and meet people, get out of this apartment, go to the fucking gym every once in a while, maybe I'd feel better. But I'm much weaker than I thought I was. Or maybe I'm just lazy, which is by far the more frightening of the two options.
In addition, my mother still won't leave me alone. She's constantly hounding me to get a job - I'm sorry, but the economy sucks right now and I don't really appreciate your insinuations that the fact I can't find a job is my fault. I moved into this apartment under the (I guess mistaken) impression that I was an adult and could handle things on my own. Cut the fucking umbilical cord and let me live my own life. The last time Sarah saw me, she told me she sensed I was unhappy. The truth? A simple text message from my mother had sent me into a weird vaguely-depressed mood.
Also, yes, I am still single. Not that that's any big surprise to anyone who knows me. The weird thing is, I still feel pretty good about it. I don't feel lonely because I don't have a boyfriend; I feel lonely because I don't have any friends here. And at this point, it's been so long since I've felt any real attraction to anyone that the very idea of being romantically involved with someone is completely alien to me. I can't even imagine it. I imagine this is unhealthy, but I'll keep it this way for now because I don't need another thing in my life to feel bad about.
Anyway, that's my life. I do feel better writing all this down. Perhaps at some point in the near future I'll provide another update - and I promise it won't be such a touchy-feely exploration of my neuroses. In the meantime, sorry it's been so long since my last real update, and I hope all you folks out there are doing well. See you guys next time!