621 - [Alone]

[omgz__sup3r]

Being alone is terrifying, but it is the key to shaking off the overwhelming need to constantly check yourself against the judgement of others. I'm not talking about constant isolation, just spending time alone in general, especially if used for constructive introspection and development. And it's tough, really tough. We all crave social

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[omgz__sup3r]

Well, I've been going through a lot of emotional stress, I guess you could say, and I felt like my only option was meditation. I bought a book called "Going To Pieces Without Falling Apart" by Mark Epstein, who is a psychotherapist employing Buddhist techniques in his field. The book was a little confusing, but it helped open me up to meditation practices and ideas that have helped heal me emotionally and jump-start my own meditation.

I started typing out this huge process, but then I realized it was pretty complicated. Basically, at least for me, the gateway has been breathing...focusing on breathing in and breathing out. This helps you become aware of your body and helps to clear your mind at the same time. In the stillness, you might be faced with strange pains or odd emotions that suddenly surface. Instead of ignoring it, you face it and feel it entirely.

The idea is that humans cause themselves suffering by pushing emotions away. Most psychological problems are caused by something that happened during development or a traumatic event that couldn't be handled correctly and thus we filter that uncomfortable emotion away into something that is easier to deal with (or not being dealt with at all). If we let ourselves get through it, we'll emerge shaky but feeling enormously better and often with an understanding of why we are the way we are.

It sounds scary, but for me it's far better than going to a psychiatrist (although many people who use it for this purpose do it with a zen master or a psychiatrist because they're not able to work through their problems alone). When I start to feel an emotion, I let it happen or I explore the ache I feel. I ask myself why it hurts, and eventually, my thoughts lead me back to an original state, almost always during childhood and often something I wouldn't have remembered (repressed memory, I suppose). I let everything out, often bawling the biggest tears or screaming with rage, but afterwards, I am changed. I understand, for example, that there is no need for me to feel like I am not worth loving just because my mother continuously left me alone when I was a toddler and on and on with other events throughout my life. I could have said that if I had therapy, but if I had never allowed myself to feel the anger and sadness I originally felt as a child and the later years, I never could have healed or at least started the process.

Of course, this was exactly what I went into meditation wanting to do and this is why it's left me feeling so empowered. If you wanted a meditation that calmed you and did that only, then perhaps that's as far into it as you should allow yourself to go. But i've also read that there is no right or wrong way to meditate. If it works, then it works. There are numerous different ways to do it, and I've often employed different methods in one sitting, starting with breathing or a mantra and using the lights behind my eyes as a focus as well.

Wow, that was a lot of typing, haha! I could go on about this forever. I've not really shared much of my meditations with anyone because of their personal nature, but if you're interested I could let you in on a few since you're also interested in it in general.

I can loan you the book if you would like to read it. It's a very nice book anyway, and it says some things that really tugged at me (that was a strange thing to say, haha).