Do I Matter?
Let's tell myself that it doesn't matter.
I'm trying to.
But then I ask myself.. What does matter?
I do know what matters. I know what matters to me.
You don't think I do, don't you? I can see it in your eyes. The "You have no idea what you're talking about, even though you think so. You'll soon realize it." look. It makes me confused.
I want to say that I know what I am talking about. I used to be sure.
I know I'm sure.
But it's confusing that you don't believe it. You may accept that I am sure, but you're not so much. Why? Can't you see that I need to be sure? I have to be sure. But I don't want to be sure.
It. Makes. Me. Confused.
Do you know why I need to be sure? Because I need to know. I need to be able to know, to be safe, to have control, to take care of myself. Don't stop me. This is me controlling my life.
There's another thing about this that makes me crumble. Me. Maybe I'm sure, but wrong. How can that be?
I think too highly of myself, don't I? I think I deserve what I've gotten in life. I think I am something. I think I matter.
I brag too much. I feed on flattery. I assume that people should look up to me.
For what? My ability to degrade them in my mind? My dominant attitude towards everyone? My self-absorbation?
Em, for fuck's sake; Get over yourself. Stop wearing those high heels, step down to the ground and realize that you're just as tall as everybody else.
I look at you all. I compare myself to you all. And then I try to be better. That's what I do. That's how I go on feeling good about myself.
I think that being better than some, makes me matter. And because of that, I go around grading them. I'm grading you all. Consciously and unconsciously.
And now I'm doing it again, aren't I? Thinking I know what I'm talking about. Feeling superior.
I'm sorry, okay? I don't know how else to be. This is natural to me. It is.
Because I really want to be something that matters. I really, really want to matter.
I'm trying to.
But then I ask myself.. What does matter?
I do know what matters. I know what matters to me.
You don't think I do, don't you? I can see it in your eyes. The "You have no idea what you're talking about, even though you think so. You'll soon realize it." look. It makes me confused.
I want to say that I know what I am talking about. I used to be sure.
I know I'm sure.
But it's confusing that you don't believe it. You may accept that I am sure, but you're not so much. Why? Can't you see that I need to be sure? I have to be sure. But I don't want to be sure.
It. Makes. Me. Confused.
Do you know why I need to be sure? Because I need to know. I need to be able to know, to be safe, to have control, to take care of myself. Don't stop me. This is me controlling my life.
There's another thing about this that makes me crumble. Me. Maybe I'm sure, but wrong. How can that be?
I think too highly of myself, don't I? I think I deserve what I've gotten in life. I think I am something. I think I matter.
I brag too much. I feed on flattery. I assume that people should look up to me.
For what? My ability to degrade them in my mind? My dominant attitude towards everyone? My self-absorbation?
Em, for fuck's sake; Get over yourself. Stop wearing those high heels, step down to the ground and realize that you're just as tall as everybody else.
I look at you all. I compare myself to you all. And then I try to be better. That's what I do. That's how I go on feeling good about myself.
I think that being better than some, makes me matter. And because of that, I go around grading them. I'm grading you all. Consciously and unconsciously.
And now I'm doing it again, aren't I? Thinking I know what I'm talking about. Feeling superior.
I'm sorry, okay? I don't know how else to be. This is natural to me. It is.
Because I really want to be something that matters. I really, really want to matter.