Numb inside
It has been over a month of being alone. A month of therapy and thought. A month of cleansing and centering. I have stayed disciplined and ran 5 miles a day, eaten healthier, avoided bad things, supported family and friends, done a lot to improve myself...why do I still feel bad?
I still have very weak moments. Sad moments and lonely moments where all the hard work I do means nothing because I am not happy. I thought this would be easier, guess I was wrong. Now what to do? I could continue to stay strong and moving forward/upward or I could stop. I could stop it and just sit in this shell watching the world go on around me. I could refuse all support and meaning. I have lost my motivation. There's no payback in it for me. All I do just goes by without notice. I feel not like a victim but as a participant in my choice to isolate myself from the world. I fear you all. I fear vulnerability. I fear getting close to anyone for fear that they will abandon me too. Being left by someone really wrecks me to the core. My validation and self-esteem are gone. I go through motions everyday like a robot. I have no feelings except for sadness and despair. I shouldn't be this way. This is not me. Well, a little me but, not me. I hate this feeling and can't shake it at the same time. The only thing I haven't tried is medication. Can you really medicate a broken heart away? Can you dope up that muscle with enough drug to feel no pain? I think I should go through this without medication. I am not sure what to think. I am not sure what anyone thinks. I wait for something to happen everyday. I wait for change or a gift or a sign. There is no sign for me. There is only me. I don't mean an outward sign, I mean something within me that jolts me out of this. Outward signs are too easily misread or misinterpreted. I am not good with outside signs from people or forces. I like things too direct and simple. Take today for instance, a stranger posted a comment on my LJ. I spent all day trying to figure out who they were. Never found out. Wish they would leave me alone. I don't need comments from someone who doesn't have a fucking clue who I am. And if they do know me, they should have identified themselves and didn't. That's low. I hope they don't ever comment again on my journal. I have rage in me today. I have had a lot lately. I just want to beat the fuck out of something. Maybe I should. This is getting so old, so miserabely old...
I still have very weak moments. Sad moments and lonely moments where all the hard work I do means nothing because I am not happy. I thought this would be easier, guess I was wrong. Now what to do? I could continue to stay strong and moving forward/upward or I could stop. I could stop it and just sit in this shell watching the world go on around me. I could refuse all support and meaning. I have lost my motivation. There's no payback in it for me. All I do just goes by without notice. I feel not like a victim but as a participant in my choice to isolate myself from the world. I fear you all. I fear vulnerability. I fear getting close to anyone for fear that they will abandon me too. Being left by someone really wrecks me to the core. My validation and self-esteem are gone. I go through motions everyday like a robot. I have no feelings except for sadness and despair. I shouldn't be this way. This is not me. Well, a little me but, not me. I hate this feeling and can't shake it at the same time. The only thing I haven't tried is medication. Can you really medicate a broken heart away? Can you dope up that muscle with enough drug to feel no pain? I think I should go through this without medication. I am not sure what to think. I am not sure what anyone thinks. I wait for something to happen everyday. I wait for change or a gift or a sign. There is no sign for me. There is only me. I don't mean an outward sign, I mean something within me that jolts me out of this. Outward signs are too easily misread or misinterpreted. I am not good with outside signs from people or forces. I like things too direct and simple. Take today for instance, a stranger posted a comment on my LJ. I spent all day trying to figure out who they were. Never found out. Wish they would leave me alone. I don't need comments from someone who doesn't have a fucking clue who I am. And if they do know me, they should have identified themselves and didn't. That's low. I hope they don't ever comment again on my journal. I have rage in me today. I have had a lot lately. I just want to beat the fuck out of something. Maybe I should. This is getting so old, so miserabely old...