(no subject)
"Until recently, I have always looked upon my present school as the last school I would want to attend, had I been given another chance. I have always thought that there was somewhere out there, besides this school, where I would feel like I belonged, but is there really? I do think there is, but to get there, I need to accept my present situations first. A couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend (who goes to a non-selective, public school), and he was talking about his experiences within the school - the obvious cliches and cliques, bullying and in general, the atmosphere. That really got me thinking as to how lucky I am to be part of a school (of a small, specially selected 900), where almost everyone respects each other, the majority of whom interact with each other was if we were equals, and all in all, almost "friendly". I live a life where I take so many things for granted, that I don't realise how lucky I am until I've known something worse."
That's an excerpt from my diary, dating back to October of last year. It's astounding how different your perspectives can change in a little over a year. I was so positive then, hopeful and more direct. Now I'm self-absorbed in my own angst, complaining about how miserable my life is, whilst making no attempts to rectify it - this sentence affirming all that I've said. I do hope this is just a phase of adolescence that everyone goes through and that I'll move out of it soon, because I really am growing sick of my constant negativisms.
Assembly at school got me thinking today. Everyone who was asked to talk had their speeches dripping with school spirit and would probably be drilling school spirit into me had I a closer aquaintance with them. Honestly, I have not much of a sense of school spirit running in me - I knew that before hand, but I've never really contemplated about it until today. For me, to respect something or someone, it has to come across to me as being deserving. With respect, comes pride, thus sparking a sense of school pride. Yes, I respect my peers and school, but only to a certain degree, by that I mean I'm also not disrespectful towards them. However, the respect ends there - the pride has not and will never, come so, neither the school spirit.
I don't know why school drags me down to such an extent. I was so naive last year, citing the "friendly" atmosphere as a positive aspect of my school. The truth is, it's a sickly, artificial sort of friendly. In fact, probably not friendly at all. No one is allowed to hate; we're all supposed to be supportive of each other, and if one small negative comment is uttered, you're shot down, glared at and thought of as a self-involved loser. I hate how my school filters out all the negative, why can't we all just voice what we're feeling instead of being so closed and hard to interpret? Which, by saying that, I'm being an epitome of hypocrisy.
I know I've developed a very pathetic image at school. I'm the loser with no life, unmotiviated, uninteresting. I sometimes laugh inwardly at how untrue that is. Aside from school, I love my life at the moment. I've achieved so much this year, not meaning academically. I've learnt so much about those I care about, and myself. I've developed strong friendships, those of which I'd never trade for anything in the world. I guess that's what I hate about my school - you only learn subjects relating to the academics, nothing emotionally or socially.
I feel so lonely and inadequate sometimes. I don't think I have any real friends from school, which is a really morbid thought, since those I associate with are actually very friendly people. I'd like to get to know them better, but I think they hate me. Sometimes I wish that they'd just tell me that outright, instead of shunning me out and pretending everything's fine. It's hard trying to get closer to people who hate you, and as a result, I've been withdrawing myself from them, which has made it even worse.
I really don't know why I wrote all that. Re-reading it, my writings don't articulate my thoughts as amply as they should, but I don't want to delve right into my feelings as anyone and everyone can read this.
And I'd prefer it if no one leaves any comments.
That's an excerpt from my diary, dating back to October of last year. It's astounding how different your perspectives can change in a little over a year. I was so positive then, hopeful and more direct. Now I'm self-absorbed in my own angst, complaining about how miserable my life is, whilst making no attempts to rectify it - this sentence affirming all that I've said. I do hope this is just a phase of adolescence that everyone goes through and that I'll move out of it soon, because I really am growing sick of my constant negativisms.
Assembly at school got me thinking today. Everyone who was asked to talk had their speeches dripping with school spirit and would probably be drilling school spirit into me had I a closer aquaintance with them. Honestly, I have not much of a sense of school spirit running in me - I knew that before hand, but I've never really contemplated about it until today. For me, to respect something or someone, it has to come across to me as being deserving. With respect, comes pride, thus sparking a sense of school pride. Yes, I respect my peers and school, but only to a certain degree, by that I mean I'm also not disrespectful towards them. However, the respect ends there - the pride has not and will never, come so, neither the school spirit.
I don't know why school drags me down to such an extent. I was so naive last year, citing the "friendly" atmosphere as a positive aspect of my school. The truth is, it's a sickly, artificial sort of friendly. In fact, probably not friendly at all. No one is allowed to hate; we're all supposed to be supportive of each other, and if one small negative comment is uttered, you're shot down, glared at and thought of as a self-involved loser. I hate how my school filters out all the negative, why can't we all just voice what we're feeling instead of being so closed and hard to interpret? Which, by saying that, I'm being an epitome of hypocrisy.
I know I've developed a very pathetic image at school. I'm the loser with no life, unmotiviated, uninteresting. I sometimes laugh inwardly at how untrue that is. Aside from school, I love my life at the moment. I've achieved so much this year, not meaning academically. I've learnt so much about those I care about, and myself. I've developed strong friendships, those of which I'd never trade for anything in the world. I guess that's what I hate about my school - you only learn subjects relating to the academics, nothing emotionally or socially.
I feel so lonely and inadequate sometimes. I don't think I have any real friends from school, which is a really morbid thought, since those I associate with are actually very friendly people. I'd like to get to know them better, but I think they hate me. Sometimes I wish that they'd just tell me that outright, instead of shunning me out and pretending everything's fine. It's hard trying to get closer to people who hate you, and as a result, I've been withdrawing myself from them, which has made it even worse.
I really don't know why I wrote all that. Re-reading it, my writings don't articulate my thoughts as amply as they should, but I don't want to delve right into my feelings as anyone and everyone can read this.
And I'd prefer it if no one leaves any comments.