Way tooooo long update
I have so much to say to you, but whenever I’m in your presence it’s like I physically cannot. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand why I Struggle so much to communicate. I wish I just knew why. For instance the last fight we had, there were so many things I wanted to scream at you. But I didn’t say any of it. So here it is-
I woke up early, and was late for work all to get the car extension so YOU could drive, then I leave work, just to drive home and give it to you, so you don’t get pulled over or towed going to the gym on expired tags. I spent the night before making tacos and roast for you, and come home and just want to hug you.. Then I make a comment about kali, and you completely flip out on me! And you wonder why I never say anything around you? You completely flipped out on me and got defensive. But I was very sincere; I truly did feel sorry for her. You say “oh he’d never do that”, but I was there the week before when he came out without his wedding ring on, and stated several times how he wanted to get “strange ass”, or all the sexual comments about Ashley. That sincerely makes me sad, and I know she cheated on him before but it seems to me he chose to forgive her and stay married and committed. And just the fact that anyone who says they love someone else could so willingly and eagerly hurt the person they love to selfishly satisfy their own desires, I’m sorry but it does make me sad, and I’d feel bad for whomever I saw in that situation whether it was kali and mattie or some couple on TV, or one of my own friends. That epitomizes everything that is wrong with marriage, and relationships..
Secondly I didn’t turn off my phones to try to anger you, as you suggested. I did it because I really really just did not want to talk to you period. I wanted time to cool off. It had nothing to do with trying to piss you off.
Also- it was never about insecurities when you go out with you friends. You always accused me of being insecure blah blah blah. But it wasn’t about that Will, it was about your lack of respect for me. Like that one night you stayed out late with all of your friends, earlier that day you told me several times to wait up for you, then you text me not to wait up. And I wake up at 1:30 in the morning and your still not home. Do you have any idea how scarred I was?! I thought something happened to you! I felt sick and panicked, so when you called me back (but I didn’t pick up) a wave of relief swept over me, but anger took its place. The fact you would feel it’s perfectly okay to stay out until 2am, and not even so much as a text to me to let me know what’s going on. I mean Who does that?! That was rude an inconsiderate, and Never never would I have ever done some shit like that to you. I reasoned maybe you had good excuse; maybe you were super busy at work and had a lot of cleaning to do. So if course I got even more furious to find out it had nothing to do with work, but that you were out with all your friends, while of course I am at home in bed waiting for you, hoping you are not dead or in a hospital bed somewhere! That same shit just kept building and happening, to the point where I was just like, what am I doing? Why am I with someone who won’t love me the way I want to be loved? Who won’t give me the same respect honor and loyalty that I give him?
I felt like I put so much into our relationship, I’ve tried I’ve fought I’ve cried, and I have always tried to be nothing but there for you, whether it was physically, financially, just as a friend, taking time to go to court with you, or just to ditch work and spend the day with you, whatever it was, I felt I was always there when you needed me. And I felt at the end of all of that I still felt empty and unhappy because you were gradually slipping away. Not all the time of course. When we were up we were really up, when I was happy with you, I was in clouds clouds clouds. But when we were off, we were really off. It was always extremes; I was either extremely happy or extremely sad.
And I had already been in a relationship like that, where we fought so much, and I cried constantly. I still remember many many days of crying on the bathroom floor (so nobody would see or hear me). And in the end I finally left him and felt I had wasted 2 ½ years of my life on him. Even now I look back, and am like “ugh, waste of my fucking time”.
I kept getting flash backs of that and telling myself I can’t do that again, I can’t put myself through that bullshit. But that’s where I failed. Because you and I did fight a lot, like that past relationship, but nothing else about it is the same. And you’re not the same. And you were worth every tear you ever made fall from my eyes. I don’t regret my time with you… Well some times I do. Some times when it gets too hard, and I feel so fed up and lost and hurt and alone, then I start to wish I had never given us a chance. That I would have never gone to your house that night after our first fight about me picking you up with Ashley. I think how much easier my life would have been. I would have gone on not giving a fuck, and worrying just about myself.
But I know I must have met you for a reason, and I know all of this happened for a reason. Though that reason fails to show itself to me now..
I’m sorry this is way too long. But I just wanted to say everything I always wanted to say but never did. So there it is.
He didn't read it right there though, he went home cause he was very hung over. And right when he left I just BROKE DOWN, i cried for so long and so hard, I mean I cried in the shower, while doing dishes, cleaning my house, checking my myspace, through all of it, cause I physically could not make it stop! I called my sister, she came right over and hugged me and I talked to her, I also called my cousin, who was at work, but she was supportive. I asked my sister to get me some weed, cause I wanted to laugh, and I had been unable to eat ever since Tuesday. I've been soo soo hungry, but no appetite, and the thought of food made me want to puke. My nerves where in an up roar. But the weed was the worse thing I could have done, it jus intensified the pain and depression and made me feel even more sick about everthing. So i fell asleep right away, just wanting to wake up and be sober, which I did. Wills text woke me up. But the nightmare was still staring me right in the face, I cried cried cried some more, My sister was there, my cousin and her friend also came over and kept me company. I just talked and cried. It was really quite astonishing for me, cause though I write with ease, I NEVER open up to people, I never get all deep. I stick to surface conversations. But it was easy to let it all out. Finally after my sisters urging I called Will. I laid it all out on the table. everything,
I told him I made a mistake, I regret ending it with us, cause it was done out of anger. That I personally know that he is worth fighting for and that I can try again, and make this work, i can change the things about me (like my inability to communicate well), that was the focus of so many of our fights. I told him looking back there were a lot of times I just didn't try at all, or didn't try hard enough, and I wish I could go back and change so many things. I said you keep telling me I don't need a man I am strong enough I don't need to be dependent on a man in my life. But I'm not! If I just needed any man I would have one next to me right now, that is not the issue and never has been I can get any one to fill my bed at night. But I don't want just anyone. I wanted him. I needed him.
And he basically just said I need to move on. That he loves me, he will always be a friend to me, he will always be there every single time I call him, but he realizes now that he needs to be alone, that he has a lot of his own personal issues and problems, that he doesn't know what will happen in the future and doesn't expect me to wait around for him, but that he sees now, how much he tried to change himself to be in our relationship but thats not him, and he wasn't happy with the person he was. So basically in a nut shell he told me to move on, because he thought our break up was the right thing for us.
Of course all of that was hard to hear and caused even more crying. I ended up passing out on the couch by like 9:30, i was so exhausted, and my eyes were so puffy.
I woke up this moring at 6 cause Will texted me, said he had a bad dream about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. I fell back asleep and got up around 8:30, feeling a little down but A LOT better. Like all I needed was that kick in the ass, all I needed was to KNOW that I told him asbolutely everything, and ultimately it was his decsion to stay apart, I needed to hear him to tell me to move on. I needed that so I'd stop holding on to this ridiculous hope. I felt it was a fresh start, and I texted him-
"hey I'm really sorry about lastnight. I hope you had a great night.(it was his birthday lastnight) I'm sorry for crying on the phone. i know now that I laid it all out on the table so now I can leave without regretting unsaid words. U told me what I needed to hear thank u for being honest. u said to move on and i think i can do that now. i know it's hard now but at the end of it i'll be the strongest i've ever been. k well I'm gonna get up and go to church. today is a new day!"
he texted back
"baby you have nothing to be sorry about...hope you thought of me at church im gonna really need God's hand now"
me-
"I always keep you and your well being in my prayers. Please remember I will always be there for you regardless of what it is."
him-
"I really Love you...I realize how much now..i dont know what the future holds, but know that im here for you as well"
So i did get up and go to church, and went to the mall, and then met up with Shannon in Pacific Beach, at La Hynias (a bar right on the board walk), with all her friends and had a pretty good time. Shannon has always been there to listen to my shit and my stories, but she doesn't work with me anymore so I hadn't talked to her in a month or so. It was much needed though, I'm thankful for her presence. All in all I was okay, I felt a sense of normalcy again. The sun was shinning it was a nice 80 degress outside and for once in 6 days I felt like I was going to be okay. That I can move on now, because I KNOW that it was amistake, and I know when two people really really love each other, they fight to make it work, and they fight for each other, and they'll do whatever it takes. And I was completely willing to do that. Honeslty wholly completely willing. but he was not. And I know that was a mistake, and I also know that he will realize that one day. I don't know when, maybe 2 months from now maybe 2 years from now, but he will see it, but it will be too late. But I could sleep in comfort knowing that I tried.
And now I'm at home, waiting for my sister to get here, and Lani to get off work. We're going back to the beach to sit and chat over drinks. Well i don't know if I'll drink, my stomach has been crazy this week since I've not been eating. I'm scared to get on the scale! Scared to look at how much I've lost. But also today was the first day that I could eat, and I did eat, I had waffles, tacos and a protien shake, and my vitamins. And am I just glad I can finally eat again.
So at the end of it all i think I will be okay, there are brief moments when I get a sudden wave of depression and think of him, but I have to force myself to let it go and not dwell. The past is the past.
But I am thankful he is still in my life though, and we are still friends.