(no subject)
i'm sorry this is so long. i'm not lj-cuting it. i don't want to, so i won't.
i'm nervous as fuck to post this, or to even think of posting it.
but i really need to get this out.
i hide everything, i take things until i can't anymore.
though, once i get to that part of the cycle, i still don't lash out.
i won't call this lashing out, more like just spilling my heart maybe.
i think that i may understand why i over think, want to have the last word, and blame myself for almost everything.
over thinking: when something doesn't make sense to me, i rethink, rethink, and rethink again. i think it over so many times that by the time i'm done, i've completely gone past what i was thinking about, and i'm on to giving reasons for countless actions before the actual thought. example: if something is happening to me, and i can't understand why (take what ash and i are ..or were going through) i don't understand what i did to her. i don't know why she's acting this way. and if my thoughts on her reasonings are wrong, then what? so now i'm going to think and think since she won't explain anything to me, until i can't take it anymore.
last word: in a situation where i feel i'm right (keeping in mind when i'm not right, i admit to it) i want to do everything in my power to make the person arguing with me, believe that i am right and admit to their faults. i'm not one to fight, i don't like it, i actually can't stand it. fighting to me, verbally or physically is really just the last way to solve something, talking it out always works for me (depending on who i'm trying to reason with). in the situation with carson, i don't believe i've done anything wrong. he blames me for this, he says that i just couldn't handle him speaking to another girl. and that has not one thing to do with the reason that i was upset. i wasn't being over protective, i wasn't telling him who he could and could not hang out with. i was only pointing out the fact that HE posted in HIS journal about having sex with clare, and breaking his bed. it had NOTHING to do with him associating with FEMALES. how could it be? almost everyone of his FRIENDS ARE FEMALE.
blame: i blame myself because i am basically naive, or ignorant. if i treat someone with as much as respect as i would like to be treated with, i can't process the idea of being walked over, kicked, and thrown away like garbage. i loved carson more then life it's self. i would have done anything to make him stop mis-treating me. because i wanted no other. but i have to accept that it's not me. there is nothing i can do to help him, i can't tell him i love him, or trust him, or shower him with love any more then i did. i put my full effort into that relationship, and there was nothing i could do about the way that it ended. i am STILL trying to accept this fact.
i think that i may be having a tad bit of bad luck lately. first the carson drama happened, and then ashley. they both wrote extremely rude things to me in emails. and (you don't have to read this) i'd like to get my "last word" per-say in. or at least my prospective on the matters.
regarding carsons email: "you will never find someone like me again", for starters, i can't believe he even had the balls to say that to me. does he not realize that more then 50% of our relationship was us fighting? and him lying to me? i'm not saying i was a perfect little angel, but i never lied, or cheated on him. i could have payed more attention to him, but at that point i honestly didn't know what the fuck to do. i didn't know how to make him happier.
and he's damn fucking RIGHT that i won't find someone like him. i won't let myself. part of my heart is still fucking lost somewhere, unreachable, and i don't even know if i'm going to get that back. i don't have the effort any longer to put into a relationship, i don't want to put effort into relationships anymore. i am terrified of heartbreak now. though i've gone through the worst one yet (for me, anyway). i won't find someone like him, because i will find someone better. someday. someone who will be honest, loyal, and loving. someone who won't scare me when they yell, someone who won't use other women to get back at me, someone who won't even seek revenge. i will find someone who will hold me so high on their list, that they will give up anything for me. there will be two kinds of people to this persons eyes, me, and the rest of the population. i will be held that high. i would have given anything for that person to be you.
and, about "expect your shit in the mail soon". i don't believe that is even going to be setting foot in my house again. i sent him the most precious pictures (to me) and spent hours shopping, and sorting out gifts for him. i put so much love into the teddy bear, i put tears into him, i put smiles, laughs, and warmth. i gave that teddy bear life. and now, it's as if he is dead. everything i put into that bear, is gone. it was ripped away from me.
the rock that i used to wish on when i was a little girl, that was given to me by my father.. i still believe it works. i don't care how stupid that sounds. i really do, and i'd give anything to have it back. i wanted him to keep it, because i thought it could help him, but i guess maybe the rock only works for me.
my photo album, pictures from when i was a baby, to now. i hate not having them in my grasp. knowing, that they are probably being tossed away, or thrown into a fire. i can see my face burning away in them, turning into ashes.
the perfume i spent an excessive amount of money on, will never be returned.
these may be materialistic items, and yeah, i will live without them. it's just a stab at the heart to have these things ripped from me.
and last but not least, regarding ash's comment "fuck you, fuck her, and fuck everything we've ever talked about. i didn't mean any of it, you mean nothing to me"
i couldn't believe that one. no matter how upset i am at her, i could never take back the things i said to her. because, at the time, i did mean them. or i would not have said them. and if she didn't mean anything she said to me, then she's the biggest hypocrite about lying i have ever come into contact with.
today's just an emotional day for me i guess.
i'm nervous as fuck to post this, or to even think of posting it.
but i really need to get this out.
i hide everything, i take things until i can't anymore.
though, once i get to that part of the cycle, i still don't lash out.
i won't call this lashing out, more like just spilling my heart maybe.
i think that i may understand why i over think, want to have the last word, and blame myself for almost everything.
over thinking: when something doesn't make sense to me, i rethink, rethink, and rethink again. i think it over so many times that by the time i'm done, i've completely gone past what i was thinking about, and i'm on to giving reasons for countless actions before the actual thought. example: if something is happening to me, and i can't understand why (take what ash and i are ..or were going through) i don't understand what i did to her. i don't know why she's acting this way. and if my thoughts on her reasonings are wrong, then what? so now i'm going to think and think since she won't explain anything to me, until i can't take it anymore.
last word: in a situation where i feel i'm right (keeping in mind when i'm not right, i admit to it) i want to do everything in my power to make the person arguing with me, believe that i am right and admit to their faults. i'm not one to fight, i don't like it, i actually can't stand it. fighting to me, verbally or physically is really just the last way to solve something, talking it out always works for me (depending on who i'm trying to reason with). in the situation with carson, i don't believe i've done anything wrong. he blames me for this, he says that i just couldn't handle him speaking to another girl. and that has not one thing to do with the reason that i was upset. i wasn't being over protective, i wasn't telling him who he could and could not hang out with. i was only pointing out the fact that HE posted in HIS journal about having sex with clare, and breaking his bed. it had NOTHING to do with him associating with FEMALES. how could it be? almost everyone of his FRIENDS ARE FEMALE.
blame: i blame myself because i am basically naive, or ignorant. if i treat someone with as much as respect as i would like to be treated with, i can't process the idea of being walked over, kicked, and thrown away like garbage. i loved carson more then life it's self. i would have done anything to make him stop mis-treating me. because i wanted no other. but i have to accept that it's not me. there is nothing i can do to help him, i can't tell him i love him, or trust him, or shower him with love any more then i did. i put my full effort into that relationship, and there was nothing i could do about the way that it ended. i am STILL trying to accept this fact.
i think that i may be having a tad bit of bad luck lately. first the carson drama happened, and then ashley. they both wrote extremely rude things to me in emails. and (you don't have to read this) i'd like to get my "last word" per-say in. or at least my prospective on the matters.
regarding carsons email: "you will never find someone like me again", for starters, i can't believe he even had the balls to say that to me. does he not realize that more then 50% of our relationship was us fighting? and him lying to me? i'm not saying i was a perfect little angel, but i never lied, or cheated on him. i could have payed more attention to him, but at that point i honestly didn't know what the fuck to do. i didn't know how to make him happier.
and he's damn fucking RIGHT that i won't find someone like him. i won't let myself. part of my heart is still fucking lost somewhere, unreachable, and i don't even know if i'm going to get that back. i don't have the effort any longer to put into a relationship, i don't want to put effort into relationships anymore. i am terrified of heartbreak now. though i've gone through the worst one yet (for me, anyway). i won't find someone like him, because i will find someone better. someday. someone who will be honest, loyal, and loving. someone who won't scare me when they yell, someone who won't use other women to get back at me, someone who won't even seek revenge. i will find someone who will hold me so high on their list, that they will give up anything for me. there will be two kinds of people to this persons eyes, me, and the rest of the population. i will be held that high. i would have given anything for that person to be you.
and, about "expect your shit in the mail soon". i don't believe that is even going to be setting foot in my house again. i sent him the most precious pictures (to me) and spent hours shopping, and sorting out gifts for him. i put so much love into the teddy bear, i put tears into him, i put smiles, laughs, and warmth. i gave that teddy bear life. and now, it's as if he is dead. everything i put into that bear, is gone. it was ripped away from me.
the rock that i used to wish on when i was a little girl, that was given to me by my father.. i still believe it works. i don't care how stupid that sounds. i really do, and i'd give anything to have it back. i wanted him to keep it, because i thought it could help him, but i guess maybe the rock only works for me.
my photo album, pictures from when i was a baby, to now. i hate not having them in my grasp. knowing, that they are probably being tossed away, or thrown into a fire. i can see my face burning away in them, turning into ashes.
the perfume i spent an excessive amount of money on, will never be returned.
these may be materialistic items, and yeah, i will live without them. it's just a stab at the heart to have these things ripped from me.
and last but not least, regarding ash's comment "fuck you, fuck her, and fuck everything we've ever talked about. i didn't mean any of it, you mean nothing to me"
i couldn't believe that one. no matter how upset i am at her, i could never take back the things i said to her. because, at the time, i did mean them. or i would not have said them. and if she didn't mean anything she said to me, then she's the biggest hypocrite about lying i have ever come into contact with.
today's just an emotional day for me i guess.