(no subject)
No matter how much I reflect on myself I will always be the same bad habit. Every time I hear that "admitting is the first step to recovery" I sit and wait for the next step even as I subconsciously know that I have to take the next step myself. I am still all talk and no action. Maybe I expect results too fast. I guess I never have really worked towards something.
I suppose I see the future in my dreams now: whether symbolic or completely obvious. It started with the mom and dad dreams. I've dreamt that both my mom and my dad have died (on different nights, after an argument, actually) and that although they are dead and buried, I can still talk to them. Symbolically, it is exactly how my relationship with my parents is displayed. Our relationship can somewhat die, but they are still there to talk to. Maybe I'm looking too far into it. Last night I had a dream that Megan and Stacy made up and this morning I suppose they resolved things.
If I was an independent person, I think it'd be a good time for me to get away right now. I've never really wanted to run away from my problems, especially since the main problem is myself. I just think it's time for me to think for a while and sit down and write out how I'm going to change and not simply what I am going to change. I've had so much anger this summer, and it's still festering. It's almost like I am still in high school except now that I am out of high school, I can't blame my unhappiness on it. It makes sense, I guess. I constantly think about how I need to talk to people about my problems, maybe get some advice or sympathy. I don't need to talk about anything, I need to start listening to myself. I keep setting myself to two different extremes and they are constantly conflicting with each other. It's almost like have multiple personalities but without the verbal confrontation. It's more like the typical "I need to find myself" type of thing. No one is going to find themselves if we are always changing. People obviously don't settle down, anymore. Divorce and style changes, mid life crises that make people change their jobs and new towns to start over. Does it make sense that a lot of people don't like change? I don't like change when I'm not in control because let's look at the facts, I'm not really in control if myself, am I? The fact that some people don't change makes my stomach turn, but I can't focus on others changing when I need some time to myself.
This is getting so fucking redundant. Seriously.
I suppose I see the future in my dreams now: whether symbolic or completely obvious. It started with the mom and dad dreams. I've dreamt that both my mom and my dad have died (on different nights, after an argument, actually) and that although they are dead and buried, I can still talk to them. Symbolically, it is exactly how my relationship with my parents is displayed. Our relationship can somewhat die, but they are still there to talk to. Maybe I'm looking too far into it. Last night I had a dream that Megan and Stacy made up and this morning I suppose they resolved things.
If I was an independent person, I think it'd be a good time for me to get away right now. I've never really wanted to run away from my problems, especially since the main problem is myself. I just think it's time for me to think for a while and sit down and write out how I'm going to change and not simply what I am going to change. I've had so much anger this summer, and it's still festering. It's almost like I am still in high school except now that I am out of high school, I can't blame my unhappiness on it. It makes sense, I guess. I constantly think about how I need to talk to people about my problems, maybe get some advice or sympathy. I don't need to talk about anything, I need to start listening to myself. I keep setting myself to two different extremes and they are constantly conflicting with each other. It's almost like have multiple personalities but without the verbal confrontation. It's more like the typical "I need to find myself" type of thing. No one is going to find themselves if we are always changing. People obviously don't settle down, anymore. Divorce and style changes, mid life crises that make people change their jobs and new towns to start over. Does it make sense that a lot of people don't like change? I don't like change when I'm not in control because let's look at the facts, I'm not really in control if myself, am I? The fact that some people don't change makes my stomach turn, but I can't focus on others changing when I need some time to myself.
This is getting so fucking redundant. Seriously.