Topsy Turvy
So all in all I've been pretty good. Trying to ride on the high of the awesome Bhangra performance this weekend. However, because it's me and I guess this has been coming for awhile I've started cracking up. I ran to the Health Center and got an appointment with my psychiatrist. I did it fast because I have no time to be upset. None. We talked for a long time, and after a long bout of crying and shaking, what we came up with was this:
I need to leave the United States. I cannot go to California, New Jersey, or New York. For my own mental health, I need to step out of my own life and go somewhere else.
I know that sounds selfish. It is. Occasionally, one needs to be selfish in order to enjoy mental health. I'm not sure of all the results of this, but I know that if I don't I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life.
The things is, I've been living my life for others. For family, for friends, and now for T. My thoughts have never been about what "I" want, but what someone else wants. Not a partnership, but someone else. I can wholeheartedly say that I have lost myself. The last time I remember being myself was in Europe. I remember standing there on an Italian Island thinking to myself, " I did this. I got myself here, and that is a beautiful thing." Then all of a sudden I was just going through motions. Picking careers based on money, not enjoyment. Practicality. I've become 50 overnight. I was meant to do so much more than wait for my husband to get home. However, it seems if my path keeps going this way, that's exactly what I'm going to be doing this summer.
T is my soulmate. This is something I know. This is not in question. I love him more than the moon and stars, but if I start building our life together on the platform I'm using now, I have a feeling that I'd be very unhappy. Knowing myself I would never say anything about it. I'd bury it deep, and probably cry myself to sleep. I mentioned I had a Muslim girls meeting, (one I should also have with
duchez), and they were all really supportive. I'm really downplaying what I'm giving up to marry T. I should have probably told him about it, but love is blinding. When one has found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don't care. You don't want to make them feel guilty or upset. So you ignore yourself. You ignore everything, because you figure love will patch together all the holes.
I neglected to think about myself. I let my family decide when I should be getting engaged. I let my fear of losing the love of my life keep me from going abroad. I let both T and my mother influence where I should be living. I'm letting practicality tell me to get a job in advertising in California. I'm letting everyone but me decide what I should be doing. It needs to stop.
I may lose everything I hold dear, but if I don't do something now I may never be the woman he wants and needs. Most importantly, I'll never be the woman I want to be.
I need to leave the United States. I cannot go to California, New Jersey, or New York. For my own mental health, I need to step out of my own life and go somewhere else.
I know that sounds selfish. It is. Occasionally, one needs to be selfish in order to enjoy mental health. I'm not sure of all the results of this, but I know that if I don't I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life.
The things is, I've been living my life for others. For family, for friends, and now for T. My thoughts have never been about what "I" want, but what someone else wants. Not a partnership, but someone else. I can wholeheartedly say that I have lost myself. The last time I remember being myself was in Europe. I remember standing there on an Italian Island thinking to myself, " I did this. I got myself here, and that is a beautiful thing." Then all of a sudden I was just going through motions. Picking careers based on money, not enjoyment. Practicality. I've become 50 overnight. I was meant to do so much more than wait for my husband to get home. However, it seems if my path keeps going this way, that's exactly what I'm going to be doing this summer.
T is my soulmate. This is something I know. This is not in question. I love him more than the moon and stars, but if I start building our life together on the platform I'm using now, I have a feeling that I'd be very unhappy. Knowing myself I would never say anything about it. I'd bury it deep, and probably cry myself to sleep. I mentioned I had a Muslim girls meeting, (one I should also have with
duchez), and they were all really supportive. I'm really downplaying what I'm giving up to marry T. I should have probably told him about it, but love is blinding. When one has found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don't care. You don't want to make them feel guilty or upset. So you ignore yourself. You ignore everything, because you figure love will patch together all the holes.
I neglected to think about myself. I let my family decide when I should be getting engaged. I let my fear of losing the love of my life keep me from going abroad. I let both T and my mother influence where I should be living. I'm letting practicality tell me to get a job in advertising in California. I'm letting everyone but me decide what I should be doing. It needs to stop.
I may lose everything I hold dear, but if I don't do something now I may never be the woman he wants and needs. Most importantly, I'll never be the woman I want to be.