Hotel Song Rewind
A/N This is really just a rewrite/reworking of an old story ‘Clean White Love’ which is a piece that I’m really not comfortable to have on my journal. In short, I’ve grown up, opinions have changed on certain subject matters and therefore, I don’t agree or like the world and dynamic I’ve built and handled with that story anymore. So as a consolation for those who’ve enjoyed the fic but aren’t able to find it (it’s presumptuous to even think that anyone has enjoyed it), I’ve rewritten the entire thing with a different plot but similar theme (one that can finally put my mind at ease) and have consequently taken the old one down.
Title taken from Regina Spektor's Hotel Song.
--
There should be some kind of shame that accompanies the need of having to resort to an escort agency for some warm comfort. Jessica already knows what void she’s filling; at the root of it all is loneliness. Most of the time real people are too complicated, capable of too many feelings that Jessica can never predict as a result of her own actions. This is not to say that call girls aren’t real people, but Jessica supposes there needs to be some kind of detachment between having human feelings for a person and sex so she can go along with the actual act of hiring a call girl to spend the night. Even Jessica isn’t as heartless as what they say behind her back at the workplace; she’s pragmatic most of the time.
Beside the point, there is an extremely attractive woman undressing in front of her, a woman with the slightest of waists and long black hair that veils soft rounded shoulders. Jessica loses her train of thought and her gaze drops to the full curve of her backside when the lady turns while she adjusts her brassiere.
Jessica thinks back to the past few weeks where she’s opted for cheap take outs and weekends spent napping all day, despite Tiffany’s insistence ‘that she needs to get out more.’ She concludes that tonight will be worth all of it. She looks down at her own slim waist and is suddenly terribly thankful that her metabolism is the way it is.
The woman introduces herself as ‘Anna’, but they both know she was not born with that name. Jessica doesn’t bother asking for any more information than what’s been given because it’s an unspoken mutual agreement that the woman can be anything Jessica wants her to be.
She proceeds to tell Jessica of the hotel costs, her ‘do’s and don’ts’, blah blah-
“I’ve read the brochure,” Jessica cuts her off. There is so much more they could be doing.
The woman looks taken aback by Jessica’s bluntness. Jessica raises a brow; perhaps she’s new to her work.
Jessica watches the call girl shake a thought out of her head and she narrows her eyes, “So what do you want me to do?”
“Anything, the usual,” Jessica mumbles, too distracted to continue when her reply prompts the nearly naked woman to step between her legs and lightly push her back onto the bed.
“Lie back,” she murmurs and presses soft lips against Jessica’s.
--
Jessica falls unceremoniously beside the woman. This is the part of the evening where Jessica lights up cigarette and politely asks for Anna to leave her in peace. Except, Jessica doesn’t move, doesn’t even bother lifting a finger. She’s missed how cosy being in a messy tangle of limbs feels.
The woman is silent, is probably waiting for Jessica to pay the bill and shoo her away.
Instead, Jessica turns to her side and places a hand on her pillow between and asks, “How long will you stay?”
“As long as you’d like.” As long as you pay is the subtext here.
A cold draught slips through and Jessica shivers, clutches at Anna’s waist and pulls her closer.
--
Yuri no longer feels flattered or surprised when previous clientele ask to see her again. It’s a lifestyle she’s getting used to.
She’s only concerned when the wrong kind of clientele ask.
On the other hand, it helps when they are as easy as Jessica. Three months have passed since their first meeting and tonight is no different from then, except that Yuri is less cautious than she was before.
Perhaps it’s because Jessica is a woman, a pretty lady who makes her feel more at ease. There is a part of Yuri who’s still afraid of the unknown, fears the strange requests that comes along with her work. Jessica is gentle but distant, hardly says a word in between and it makes it easier for Yuri to simply do the job she’s been asked to do. There are times where she even enjoys it.
But sometimes, Yuri wonders things about her clientele. She wonders why Jessica needs a stranger like her to get her through the night. She doesn’t wear a ring; there is no tan line to suggest that she was ever married at all and she’s young and beautiful, she could pick up any girl at a bar and be consented with unsolicited sex for the night, there is no doubt in her mind.
Nevertheless, Yuri keeps her mouth shut; unwittingly allows spaces of silence for Jessica to fill if she ever chooses to do so.
--
Jessica does choose to speak one night.
Yuri is suddenly apprehensive and panicked with thoughts of how she should turn down a potential love confession if there was to be one. She’s had enough of those and Yuri hates disappointing people, even the ones that most wouldn’t think deserve it. Yuri has to be sympathetic, to justify her livelihood.
Instead, Jessica speaks straight off the top of her head, of strange musings, about the growth rate of trodden grass. Her voice is meek and light and Yuri enjoys hearing her sling nonsensical phrases and words together. For now, Yuri is perfectly complacent not knowing whether Jessica is as elusive as she looks, or that Jessica is blunt as she is and that is all that she has to offer to the world. It suits Yuri just fine, she’s always been do-er not a thinker.
--
Jessica doesn’t mention the time she saw Yuri at the café with her friends. That was where she learned her name.
She sat at the quiet corner sipping at her coffee when Yuri arrived. She looked like any regular college kid with a leather bag hanging off her shoulder, surprisingly playful and easily teased. She seemed nothing like the chic call girl with the mussed hair and brooding smoky eyes.
Jessica tore her eyes away. She considered leaving, felt too much like a voyeur (ironically), too curious for her own damn good.
She finished her beverage and walked away before Yuri noticed the vacant spot that she’d left.
--
There is a night where Yuri feels hard in all the places where she is normally malleable and soft under Jessica’s touch. She is stilted with her words and her tired eyes are brimming with the kind of hurt that Jessica is not used to seeing.
It suddenly occurs to Jessica that maybe she is really a human being with very real feelings and not the sex kitten she’s played so well for all the previous nights they’ve shared together.
She pushes Yuri away, cannot shake the thought out of her mind that she wants to make her feel better in any way she possibly can. This worries Jessica, that she feels something for a person she hardly knows other than her name.
Yuri furrows her brow, looks genuinely confused as if Jessica is the one who is hurt.
“Don’t you want this?” she blinks, somewhat irate, maybe even offended. “Did I hurt you?” she asks, more worriedly this time.
“No, we can’t do this, not when you’re so-,” Jessica trails off.
There is a pause and Jessica watches Yuri catch on, that she’s let more about herself slip through her face than she ever meant to. She casts her eyes down. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “I’m not, I’m not usually like this.”
Yuri curls her legs to her chest, like she’s trying to cover up what she’s accidentally revealed, protects her nakedness from the world, from Jessica.
Jessica grimaces, faces away from Yuri and sits at the edge of the bed. “So what do we do?” she finally asks. Jessica hides the warble in her voice well, refuses to think of the many possible reasons of why she should feel so hurt .
--
If Yuri were Tiffany or Hyoyeon, Jessica would have no qualms taking her by her hand and stroking the inside of her palm and ask what was bothering her.
Except Yuri is really just a stranger, a person she hardly knows. It would feel almost too inappropriate being this intimate despite having shared the same bed.
Jessica doesn’t know exactly how they got here, from the hotel, under bedcovers skin on skin, to a quiet diner a few blocks away sitting at opposite ends of a booth. Nor does she understand why Yuri didn’t just reimburse her and then leave. Nevertheless, Jessica goes along with it as with most things in her life.
Yuri is visibly cheerier, and Jessica wonders why, wonders if she is the reason that caused so much of Yuri’s discomfort before. Jessica desperately hopes it isn’t.
Jessica drops two sugar cubes into her coffee and Yuri takes a sip of her juice.
It’s 3am and Jessica is deliriously tired and so overwhelmed that she fails to suppress the bubble of laughter that rises from the depths of her belly. The whole situation is ridiculous, as ridiculous as spending time after hours with the chic sexy hooker she had hired for the night, who is currently sipping juice through a straw like a child and not drinking a grown up beverage that any proper adult would have ordered.
Yuri giggles in responses despite knowing nothing of what Jessica’s laughing about.
When they finally stop, Yuri speaks first, “Thank you, for not, you know…”.
The curl of Jessica’s lips slowly eases into a grimace and she nods. She sets her cup onto her table and Yuri is quiet. Maybe she’s waiting for Jessica to do something to fill the silence that’s fallen between the both of them.
Jessica cautiously asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Yuri looks up from her clasped hands and nods.
--
There’s always a danger in mixing her private and work life. That is the first thing Madame warned her about her work. It was simple enough to understand, sacrifices came with every job.
Yuri had always thought she had meant the cardinal rule was never to fall in love with the clientele. The reality is that turning down these starry eyed men and women with skewered ideals of love and pleasure becomes easier as time passes. It becomes practised and rehearsed, entailing a ‘thank you, but no thank you,’ speech.
It’s different when she’s disappointing the ones she loves.
A consolation she tells herself that she’s helping hapless men and women get through the night. Somehow it’s not enough for those who don’t share the same sentiment.
Sometimes, it’s the clientele who give her the benefit of leaving all judgment out of the hotel room. There’s this mutual understanding that the solicited sex is just a temporary solution for a very real matter in their lives that they aren’t prepared to face. Yuri is aware that she doesn’t fix anything, and maybe makes matters even worse in the long term, but she figures its human instinct to either fight it or run away. In a world of one stop shops and fast track solutions, Yuri deals with the latter.
It then occurs to Yuri she’s revealed too much of herself to Jessica. Except, it’s too late to take it back now that Jessica is at the crossroads of being a stranger who has trekked and committed to memory every contour of Yuri’s body and also someone Yuri can call upon as a friend.
--
The first time they speak over a phone Yuri giggles nervously and tries to think of the reason why she called Jessica. Instead she opts for dropping meaningless information about how the queue she’s waiting in has hardly moved.
Jessica is secretly flattered because Yuri’s never previously sought out Jessica until today, but it doesn’t translate over the line well and instead trails into a long silence that leaves the conversation awkward and bare.
Jessica sighs into the phone, thinks that this will probably never work out, whatever this is.
“This is fucking weird,” Jessica finally says.
Yuri lets out a shaky breath, “Yeah.”
--
Jessica is aware of one thing; she is not friends with Yuri. It may not have occurred to Yuri for several reasons, one of which that includes her inconsequential view of sex and intimacy, Jessica can understand that much.
They are neither friends nor lovers, not to Jessica and for once in her life, she doesn’t like not knowing.
“I think you should go with the flow,” Hyoyeon advises, cleaning the dirty plates that Jessica never got around to. “Jesus, how old is this?”
Jessica suppresses an eye roll. “Can’t remember,” she mumbles as she rolls to her side on her couch.
Hyoyeon scrunches her nose, “So do you like her?”
“I don’t know,” Jessica repeats for the nth time.
“So you’re sexually attracted to her.”
“No shit.”
“Go for it,” Hyoyeon shrugs, taking off her gloves and making her way to where Jessica is sitting.
Jessica thinks for a moment. “I feel like I’m taking advantage of her.”
“I never knew you were so generous with your feelings.”
“Shut up,” Jessica replies, nudging Hyoyeon arm with a knuckle, “You are the worst advisor ever.”
“You don’t even consider me as a friend? I’m sad,” she pouts.
“You know what I mean.”
Hyoyeon is prompted by the serious stillness that hangs over the silence which follows, “So, how do you know she’s not taking advantage of you? People use other people to feel better about their own selves.”
“Deep,” Jessica deadpans.
Hyoyeon expects an elaboration and waits, but softens when there is none; lets Jessica place her head on her shoulder, “You’ll figure it out. “
They’re not exactly the words of comfort Jessica was hoping to hear, but for now they’d have to do.
--
There is a point where Yuri has realised that Jessica has stopped referring to the escort agency. She asks co-workers, who keep tight lipped because of company policy but shake their heads when they think no one is looking to assuage her doubts.
The information only provides Yuri temporary relief. She spends an unreasonable amount of time fretting over whether Jessica has sought out another agency and does not try to comprehend why, in the fear of realising that their relationship has never been strictly business or platonic at all.
--
Jessica learns first-hand what disappointment feels like and makes a mental note to blame Hyoyeon the next time they meet for instilling false hope into her.
She is irate that Yuri has not called or even bothered leaving a half-hearted Facebook message giving her a reason why. Never before has her expectations been so dependent on a single person. She thinks back to when she knew exactly where to keep her emotions in check and squeezes her eyes shut wishing that she hadn’t sought out a call girl to fill a void that is now no longer there.
It’s so ironic, so fucking cliché. Jessica thinks.
However, things have irrevocably changed and here she is naively wishing away something that’s already happened.
“Where have you been?” is all Jessica manages as Yuri finds her seat across the table. Jessica is surprised she does not choke from the lump that formed in her throat and at the tears that threaten to spill from the corner of her eyes. She is so painfully aware of her senses and Jessica hates it, how demanding she sounds and how much she actually needs an explanation from Yuri even if it’s just to hear her voice.
Yuri casts her eyes down and gives her an apologetic shrug, “I’ve been busy, with work.”
Jessica works her jaw and says nothing in response.It’s a pathetic response.
Instead, she motions for the waiter to come take their orders. If Jessica knows anything about social situations, she knows that sitting through a meal in cold silence is punishment enough for someone like Yuri.
The whole entire night is just exactly that, a quiet meal with few words shared between. Yuri tries to appease Jessica with light humour, but Jessica doesn’t take any of it.
All the while, Yuri feels awful that she has caused the sour purse that sits on Jessica’s lips. Through the course of the week where she has not been talking to Jessica, she has had time to reflect and knows that the extra cold and icy demeanour that Jessica is displaying right now is not reserved just for anyone.
--
At some point in the after their dinner, Jessica decides they are to stroll through a quiet park. She tries Yuri’s patience, which is running thin. Yuri is waiting, itching for something to break the tension.
It’s Yuri who finally speaks and asks, “Have you been seeing anyone lately?”
Jessica frowns, and answers, “No. Have you?”
In response, Yuri shakes her head, the sense of relief settles between the both of them and suddenly the mood is lighter.
“Why did you need me, you know, when we first met?” Yuri is more confident, tries her best to articulate her question. She realises it’s a delicate moment and is aware that Jessica’s pride is on the line.
Yuri holds her breath.
Jessica contemplates for a short while and grimaces, “I used to know.”
The answer sounds more like a revelation to Yuri. Suddenly she is hopeful, hopeful enough to try and tease a longer explanation from Jessica. “So you’re happier without me?” there is a playful glint in Yuri’s eyes.
Jessica lifts her head, a blush creeping onto her cheeks. “What? No,” she exclaims too eagerly.
“Are you sure? It sounds like you’re doing fine now.”
Jessica clenches her fists, clearly embarrassed by the admission that Yuri is trying to coax out of her. “I know what you’re doing,” she attempts coolly.
Yuri says nothing and lets Jessica do the talking. “I- I didn’t like it when you stopped calling,” Jessica quickly says.
“Oh.” Yuri kicks a tuft of grass, reminding her of that night Jessica had finally chosen to speak. “Then what do you suppose I should do now?”
Jessica’s averts her gaze and fixes it elsewhere; she’s not used to playing games like these.
Yuri finds Jessica incredibly endearing and saves Jessica the trouble of answering, pulling her by the lapels of her coat and kisses Jessica with all the experience she has acquired.
--
They started out in a hotel room, and end up in Jessica’s studio apartment.
Jessica rouses to a soft murmur that leaves Yuri’s lips and her soft girly body pressed snugly against her own.
There are many things she should be worrying about right now, how long they will last, whether they will work out at all. After all, Jessica is still the sleaze who hired a high end call girl who happens to be splayed on her couch like she’s meant to have been there all along (of course that’s not true, but Jessica might be a romantic in denial). There’s a part of Jessica that should be thinking about what will happen tomorrow when Yuri goes back to work. It’d be entirely hypocritical of her if she suddenly restricted Yuri’s lifestyle.
It’s a strange tale to tell if Jessica were to ever share it, however she supposes it’s really just a tragic love story, where two lovers eventually become strangers through the tested trials of their relationship, except told in reverse. So the story is not so sad, not yet. Because, Jessica likes spending her evening spooning with a girl she might or might not have romantic feelings for. She remembers distinctly missing being tangled in a mess of limb and look where she is now, the fucking irony of it all.
There are many things Jessica is unsure of, but at least there’s the consolation of knowing Yuri will not be gone by tomorrow morning as the stranger Jessica had once called upon for the night.
The comfort of this allows Jessica to rest her eyes, wondering what kind of breakfast Yuri prefers in the morning with the faintest, most distant thought that she could do domesticity if she tried.
Title taken from Regina Spektor's Hotel Song.
--
There should be some kind of shame that accompanies the need of having to resort to an escort agency for some warm comfort. Jessica already knows what void she’s filling; at the root of it all is loneliness. Most of the time real people are too complicated, capable of too many feelings that Jessica can never predict as a result of her own actions. This is not to say that call girls aren’t real people, but Jessica supposes there needs to be some kind of detachment between having human feelings for a person and sex so she can go along with the actual act of hiring a call girl to spend the night. Even Jessica isn’t as heartless as what they say behind her back at the workplace; she’s pragmatic most of the time.
Beside the point, there is an extremely attractive woman undressing in front of her, a woman with the slightest of waists and long black hair that veils soft rounded shoulders. Jessica loses her train of thought and her gaze drops to the full curve of her backside when the lady turns while she adjusts her brassiere.
Jessica thinks back to the past few weeks where she’s opted for cheap take outs and weekends spent napping all day, despite Tiffany’s insistence ‘that she needs to get out more.’ She concludes that tonight will be worth all of it. She looks down at her own slim waist and is suddenly terribly thankful that her metabolism is the way it is.
The woman introduces herself as ‘Anna’, but they both know she was not born with that name. Jessica doesn’t bother asking for any more information than what’s been given because it’s an unspoken mutual agreement that the woman can be anything Jessica wants her to be.
She proceeds to tell Jessica of the hotel costs, her ‘do’s and don’ts’, blah blah-
“I’ve read the brochure,” Jessica cuts her off. There is so much more they could be doing.
The woman looks taken aback by Jessica’s bluntness. Jessica raises a brow; perhaps she’s new to her work.
Jessica watches the call girl shake a thought out of her head and she narrows her eyes, “So what do you want me to do?”
“Anything, the usual,” Jessica mumbles, too distracted to continue when her reply prompts the nearly naked woman to step between her legs and lightly push her back onto the bed.
“Lie back,” she murmurs and presses soft lips against Jessica’s.
--
Jessica falls unceremoniously beside the woman. This is the part of the evening where Jessica lights up cigarette and politely asks for Anna to leave her in peace. Except, Jessica doesn’t move, doesn’t even bother lifting a finger. She’s missed how cosy being in a messy tangle of limbs feels.
The woman is silent, is probably waiting for Jessica to pay the bill and shoo her away.
Instead, Jessica turns to her side and places a hand on her pillow between and asks, “How long will you stay?”
“As long as you’d like.” As long as you pay is the subtext here.
A cold draught slips through and Jessica shivers, clutches at Anna’s waist and pulls her closer.
--
Yuri no longer feels flattered or surprised when previous clientele ask to see her again. It’s a lifestyle she’s getting used to.
She’s only concerned when the wrong kind of clientele ask.
On the other hand, it helps when they are as easy as Jessica. Three months have passed since their first meeting and tonight is no different from then, except that Yuri is less cautious than she was before.
Perhaps it’s because Jessica is a woman, a pretty lady who makes her feel more at ease. There is a part of Yuri who’s still afraid of the unknown, fears the strange requests that comes along with her work. Jessica is gentle but distant, hardly says a word in between and it makes it easier for Yuri to simply do the job she’s been asked to do. There are times where she even enjoys it.
But sometimes, Yuri wonders things about her clientele. She wonders why Jessica needs a stranger like her to get her through the night. She doesn’t wear a ring; there is no tan line to suggest that she was ever married at all and she’s young and beautiful, she could pick up any girl at a bar and be consented with unsolicited sex for the night, there is no doubt in her mind.
Nevertheless, Yuri keeps her mouth shut; unwittingly allows spaces of silence for Jessica to fill if she ever chooses to do so.
--
Jessica does choose to speak one night.
Yuri is suddenly apprehensive and panicked with thoughts of how she should turn down a potential love confession if there was to be one. She’s had enough of those and Yuri hates disappointing people, even the ones that most wouldn’t think deserve it. Yuri has to be sympathetic, to justify her livelihood.
Instead, Jessica speaks straight off the top of her head, of strange musings, about the growth rate of trodden grass. Her voice is meek and light and Yuri enjoys hearing her sling nonsensical phrases and words together. For now, Yuri is perfectly complacent not knowing whether Jessica is as elusive as she looks, or that Jessica is blunt as she is and that is all that she has to offer to the world. It suits Yuri just fine, she’s always been do-er not a thinker.
--
Jessica doesn’t mention the time she saw Yuri at the café with her friends. That was where she learned her name.
She sat at the quiet corner sipping at her coffee when Yuri arrived. She looked like any regular college kid with a leather bag hanging off her shoulder, surprisingly playful and easily teased. She seemed nothing like the chic call girl with the mussed hair and brooding smoky eyes.
Jessica tore her eyes away. She considered leaving, felt too much like a voyeur (ironically), too curious for her own damn good.
She finished her beverage and walked away before Yuri noticed the vacant spot that she’d left.
--
There is a night where Yuri feels hard in all the places where she is normally malleable and soft under Jessica’s touch. She is stilted with her words and her tired eyes are brimming with the kind of hurt that Jessica is not used to seeing.
It suddenly occurs to Jessica that maybe she is really a human being with very real feelings and not the sex kitten she’s played so well for all the previous nights they’ve shared together.
She pushes Yuri away, cannot shake the thought out of her mind that she wants to make her feel better in any way she possibly can. This worries Jessica, that she feels something for a person she hardly knows other than her name.
Yuri furrows her brow, looks genuinely confused as if Jessica is the one who is hurt.
“Don’t you want this?” she blinks, somewhat irate, maybe even offended. “Did I hurt you?” she asks, more worriedly this time.
“No, we can’t do this, not when you’re so-,” Jessica trails off.
There is a pause and Jessica watches Yuri catch on, that she’s let more about herself slip through her face than she ever meant to. She casts her eyes down. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “I’m not, I’m not usually like this.”
Yuri curls her legs to her chest, like she’s trying to cover up what she’s accidentally revealed, protects her nakedness from the world, from Jessica.
Jessica grimaces, faces away from Yuri and sits at the edge of the bed. “So what do we do?” she finally asks. Jessica hides the warble in her voice well, refuses to think of the many possible reasons of why she should feel so hurt .
--
If Yuri were Tiffany or Hyoyeon, Jessica would have no qualms taking her by her hand and stroking the inside of her palm and ask what was bothering her.
Except Yuri is really just a stranger, a person she hardly knows. It would feel almost too inappropriate being this intimate despite having shared the same bed.
Jessica doesn’t know exactly how they got here, from the hotel, under bedcovers skin on skin, to a quiet diner a few blocks away sitting at opposite ends of a booth. Nor does she understand why Yuri didn’t just reimburse her and then leave. Nevertheless, Jessica goes along with it as with most things in her life.
Yuri is visibly cheerier, and Jessica wonders why, wonders if she is the reason that caused so much of Yuri’s discomfort before. Jessica desperately hopes it isn’t.
Jessica drops two sugar cubes into her coffee and Yuri takes a sip of her juice.
It’s 3am and Jessica is deliriously tired and so overwhelmed that she fails to suppress the bubble of laughter that rises from the depths of her belly. The whole situation is ridiculous, as ridiculous as spending time after hours with the chic sexy hooker she had hired for the night, who is currently sipping juice through a straw like a child and not drinking a grown up beverage that any proper adult would have ordered.
Yuri giggles in responses despite knowing nothing of what Jessica’s laughing about.
When they finally stop, Yuri speaks first, “Thank you, for not, you know…”.
The curl of Jessica’s lips slowly eases into a grimace and she nods. She sets her cup onto her table and Yuri is quiet. Maybe she’s waiting for Jessica to do something to fill the silence that’s fallen between the both of them.
Jessica cautiously asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Yuri looks up from her clasped hands and nods.
--
There’s always a danger in mixing her private and work life. That is the first thing Madame warned her about her work. It was simple enough to understand, sacrifices came with every job.
Yuri had always thought she had meant the cardinal rule was never to fall in love with the clientele. The reality is that turning down these starry eyed men and women with skewered ideals of love and pleasure becomes easier as time passes. It becomes practised and rehearsed, entailing a ‘thank you, but no thank you,’ speech.
It’s different when she’s disappointing the ones she loves.
A consolation she tells herself that she’s helping hapless men and women get through the night. Somehow it’s not enough for those who don’t share the same sentiment.
Sometimes, it’s the clientele who give her the benefit of leaving all judgment out of the hotel room. There’s this mutual understanding that the solicited sex is just a temporary solution for a very real matter in their lives that they aren’t prepared to face. Yuri is aware that she doesn’t fix anything, and maybe makes matters even worse in the long term, but she figures its human instinct to either fight it or run away. In a world of one stop shops and fast track solutions, Yuri deals with the latter.
It then occurs to Yuri she’s revealed too much of herself to Jessica. Except, it’s too late to take it back now that Jessica is at the crossroads of being a stranger who has trekked and committed to memory every contour of Yuri’s body and also someone Yuri can call upon as a friend.
--
The first time they speak over a phone Yuri giggles nervously and tries to think of the reason why she called Jessica. Instead she opts for dropping meaningless information about how the queue she’s waiting in has hardly moved.
Jessica is secretly flattered because Yuri’s never previously sought out Jessica until today, but it doesn’t translate over the line well and instead trails into a long silence that leaves the conversation awkward and bare.
Jessica sighs into the phone, thinks that this will probably never work out, whatever this is.
“This is fucking weird,” Jessica finally says.
Yuri lets out a shaky breath, “Yeah.”
--
Jessica is aware of one thing; she is not friends with Yuri. It may not have occurred to Yuri for several reasons, one of which that includes her inconsequential view of sex and intimacy, Jessica can understand that much.
They are neither friends nor lovers, not to Jessica and for once in her life, she doesn’t like not knowing.
“I think you should go with the flow,” Hyoyeon advises, cleaning the dirty plates that Jessica never got around to. “Jesus, how old is this?”
Jessica suppresses an eye roll. “Can’t remember,” she mumbles as she rolls to her side on her couch.
Hyoyeon scrunches her nose, “So do you like her?”
“I don’t know,” Jessica repeats for the nth time.
“So you’re sexually attracted to her.”
“No shit.”
“Go for it,” Hyoyeon shrugs, taking off her gloves and making her way to where Jessica is sitting.
Jessica thinks for a moment. “I feel like I’m taking advantage of her.”
“I never knew you were so generous with your feelings.”
“Shut up,” Jessica replies, nudging Hyoyeon arm with a knuckle, “You are the worst advisor ever.”
“You don’t even consider me as a friend? I’m sad,” she pouts.
“You know what I mean.”
Hyoyeon is prompted by the serious stillness that hangs over the silence which follows, “So, how do you know she’s not taking advantage of you? People use other people to feel better about their own selves.”
“Deep,” Jessica deadpans.
Hyoyeon expects an elaboration and waits, but softens when there is none; lets Jessica place her head on her shoulder, “You’ll figure it out. “
They’re not exactly the words of comfort Jessica was hoping to hear, but for now they’d have to do.
--
There is a point where Yuri has realised that Jessica has stopped referring to the escort agency. She asks co-workers, who keep tight lipped because of company policy but shake their heads when they think no one is looking to assuage her doubts.
The information only provides Yuri temporary relief. She spends an unreasonable amount of time fretting over whether Jessica has sought out another agency and does not try to comprehend why, in the fear of realising that their relationship has never been strictly business or platonic at all.
--
Jessica learns first-hand what disappointment feels like and makes a mental note to blame Hyoyeon the next time they meet for instilling false hope into her.
She is irate that Yuri has not called or even bothered leaving a half-hearted Facebook message giving her a reason why. Never before has her expectations been so dependent on a single person. She thinks back to when she knew exactly where to keep her emotions in check and squeezes her eyes shut wishing that she hadn’t sought out a call girl to fill a void that is now no longer there.
It’s so ironic, so fucking cliché. Jessica thinks.
However, things have irrevocably changed and here she is naively wishing away something that’s already happened.
“Where have you been?” is all Jessica manages as Yuri finds her seat across the table. Jessica is surprised she does not choke from the lump that formed in her throat and at the tears that threaten to spill from the corner of her eyes. She is so painfully aware of her senses and Jessica hates it, how demanding she sounds and how much she actually needs an explanation from Yuri even if it’s just to hear her voice.
Yuri casts her eyes down and gives her an apologetic shrug, “I’ve been busy, with work.”
Jessica works her jaw and says nothing in response.It’s a pathetic response.
Instead, she motions for the waiter to come take their orders. If Jessica knows anything about social situations, she knows that sitting through a meal in cold silence is punishment enough for someone like Yuri.
The whole entire night is just exactly that, a quiet meal with few words shared between. Yuri tries to appease Jessica with light humour, but Jessica doesn’t take any of it.
All the while, Yuri feels awful that she has caused the sour purse that sits on Jessica’s lips. Through the course of the week where she has not been talking to Jessica, she has had time to reflect and knows that the extra cold and icy demeanour that Jessica is displaying right now is not reserved just for anyone.
--
At some point in the after their dinner, Jessica decides they are to stroll through a quiet park. She tries Yuri’s patience, which is running thin. Yuri is waiting, itching for something to break the tension.
It’s Yuri who finally speaks and asks, “Have you been seeing anyone lately?”
Jessica frowns, and answers, “No. Have you?”
In response, Yuri shakes her head, the sense of relief settles between the both of them and suddenly the mood is lighter.
“Why did you need me, you know, when we first met?” Yuri is more confident, tries her best to articulate her question. She realises it’s a delicate moment and is aware that Jessica’s pride is on the line.
Yuri holds her breath.
Jessica contemplates for a short while and grimaces, “I used to know.”
The answer sounds more like a revelation to Yuri. Suddenly she is hopeful, hopeful enough to try and tease a longer explanation from Jessica. “So you’re happier without me?” there is a playful glint in Yuri’s eyes.
Jessica lifts her head, a blush creeping onto her cheeks. “What? No,” she exclaims too eagerly.
“Are you sure? It sounds like you’re doing fine now.”
Jessica clenches her fists, clearly embarrassed by the admission that Yuri is trying to coax out of her. “I know what you’re doing,” she attempts coolly.
Yuri says nothing and lets Jessica do the talking. “I- I didn’t like it when you stopped calling,” Jessica quickly says.
“Oh.” Yuri kicks a tuft of grass, reminding her of that night Jessica had finally chosen to speak. “Then what do you suppose I should do now?”
Jessica’s averts her gaze and fixes it elsewhere; she’s not used to playing games like these.
Yuri finds Jessica incredibly endearing and saves Jessica the trouble of answering, pulling her by the lapels of her coat and kisses Jessica with all the experience she has acquired.
--
They started out in a hotel room, and end up in Jessica’s studio apartment.
Jessica rouses to a soft murmur that leaves Yuri’s lips and her soft girly body pressed snugly against her own.
There are many things she should be worrying about right now, how long they will last, whether they will work out at all. After all, Jessica is still the sleaze who hired a high end call girl who happens to be splayed on her couch like she’s meant to have been there all along (of course that’s not true, but Jessica might be a romantic in denial). There’s a part of Jessica that should be thinking about what will happen tomorrow when Yuri goes back to work. It’d be entirely hypocritical of her if she suddenly restricted Yuri’s lifestyle.
It’s a strange tale to tell if Jessica were to ever share it, however she supposes it’s really just a tragic love story, where two lovers eventually become strangers through the tested trials of their relationship, except told in reverse. So the story is not so sad, not yet. Because, Jessica likes spending her evening spooning with a girl she might or might not have romantic feelings for. She remembers distinctly missing being tangled in a mess of limb and look where she is now, the fucking irony of it all.
There are many things Jessica is unsure of, but at least there’s the consolation of knowing Yuri will not be gone by tomorrow morning as the stranger Jessica had once called upon for the night.
The comfort of this allows Jessica to rest her eyes, wondering what kind of breakfast Yuri prefers in the morning with the faintest, most distant thought that she could do domesticity if she tried.