Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Playas! Let's Discuss I Wanna Marry "Harry" Episode 3 (ONTD Original)
Click to viewI'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack with some bullshit. Welcome to this third recap of the probably never ending series, called "beysactingcoach, what the entire fuckery doo are you doing with your life?" and well it's this - watching reality TV shows that were fucking fever dreams. The first series in the installment is the dead on arrival FOX television program I Wanna Marry "Harry" where 12 'Muricans are flewed out to some lush estate to meet a man they think is Prince Harry. No, Meghan Markle is not on the show and no it's not Prince Harry. He is frauding but wants to find real love. Let's pick up from episode two, shall we?
CONTESTANTS
Leah - clearly supposed to be a quirky, alternative girls
White Meghan - clearly our snobby villain, who would be a good Real Housewife
Chelsea - we got a sistah
Anna Lisa - who OP kept calling Mona Lisa, she's Miss Los Angeles
Rose - describes herself as a preschool teacher with a naughty side
Kimberly - Bronx accent, so OP thinks she knows the Mob Wives. Has she made an appearance on Mob Wives?
Andrea
Jacquline
Carley
Maggie
Karina
Kelley
New Yawker Kimberley got to kick it in the Crown Suite and wakes up to morning tea from Associate Jeeves. Her call time is 6 GAWWDDAMN AM to go see Hoax Harry in a fooking Union Jack hot air balloon. Told y'all these dates are so unimaginative, so lackluster, much like the actual royals. However, New Yawker Kimberly is floored and her heart is whisked away literally and figuratively.
Cut back the losers and oh ---- can you believe in a reality television show in this patriarchal society, they highlight conflicts with the women over the guy in question? So weird. Feather earring aficionado Jacqueline regrets calling White Meghan and Anna Mona Lisa mean girls and tells Anna Mona Lisa her problem is really with White Meghan. Welp guess whose tympanic membranes clocked in ready to hear that? So another confrontation commences. White Meghan whose lipstick looks fabulous continues judging Jacqueline.
We cut back the star crossed lovers who are continuing their hot air balloon date with lunch on some raggedy music festival grass. But don't worry to prevent sitting in dirt, there's a ton of red and pink TK Maxx/ British Homegoods pillows and blankets strewn about. So they tawking having their champagne when some dude playing paparazzo starts taking pics in this horror movie backdrop of a date or course our UK Paul Blart Mall Cop Security handles the guy - protect Hoax Harry at all costs! Nothing much comes from this except Kimberley is still convinced that this guy is "really important".
Kimberley returns from her date to gloat to others girls during tea time, just kidding they genuinely asked how the date went and she gives an honest answer. Someone, I think, Carley, thinks because she's pre-med that she's not like other gorls because she is smart (no word on kind or important). Elise from ANTM whomst?! She's had no one on one time with "Sir" nor anything else on the show so far, so maybe editors gave her this blip because they forgot she was part of the cast.
Date Time! Chief Jeeves announces that Jacquline, Kelley, and Maggie will be going rowing with "Sir". He picked them because he said he wants to get to know them better. Oh and like Olivia Jade, this fucker cannot row. The ladies then start asking questions like the obvious ones:
"Do you have an older brother?"
Fake Ass Harry responds: "Around three and half years older. He's a bi settled down." Mind you, this show premiered in 2014 and after doing some deep investigative journalist work, found that The Colonizer Cambridges had been married in 2011 and George was born in 2013. This show is beyond ghetto - transcendental ghetto.
Um Kelley cannot get the narrative of The Notebook out of her head and keeps bringing it up. She insists that she can do a backflip off the boat to which Fake Ass Harry (govmint name: Matt) responds he doesn't think it's safe. She flips and hits her head on the edge of the boat, but she's up and she's okay!
As for the Crown Suite Challenge, we have a once again rudimentary pool party. Matt says "normally these girls would be out my league." No, no, they are always out of your league. Pool activities include showing the ladies and Harry how low can they go and later "Harry" wants to know some of the ladies one-on-one which leads to an actual montage of these group of pick-me's saying "pick me". This show really is a mad genius.
White Meghan gets chose. This guy has such shallow conversations - yeah reality TV dating shows isn't some introspective programming but even then some people have some meaningful conversations about relationships and this guy - ain't nothing going on up there but bubbies on the brain. Back at the main pool party --- why we gotta make the only Black woman there the twerk teacher?
Karina gets hot tub time with Fake Ass Harry Real Ass Matt. He thinks she's exotic because she speaks Spanish. Wine Mom Supreme Maggie is upset that White Meghan got to kiss the frog prince. White Meghan still thinks she can judge who is princess material.
Later we move to our elimination din din: Carley and Karina get called back by Chief Jeeves. One is going home, one is going in the Crown Suite, a room next to "Sir". HarryMatt keeps stressing that he wants someone fun because he's 23 and borrows his friend's bike for work.
On this episode, who is getting bounced from Balmoral?
[Spoiler (click to open)]Pre-med disc jockey Carley
Who ascends to getting that Marriott room service the next morning? That mint on the pillow service?
[Spoiler (click to open)]La ganadora es Karina!
Source and the spirit of procrastination moving through me
To check out previous episodes and recaps, click here and here