(no subject)
I don't know why I've felt like writing more recently.. Well, I do. But I will definitely not get into it. I've been reminiscing a lot, about things I didn't even know I remembered. In a way I feel like I've lost my imagination- not true, but it's a lot more tame than it used to be. Of course this is only natural, but I was hoping it wouldn't come to that. I guess the constant mockery of friends towards my childish ideas and dreams got the best of me after all. I miss being the happiest outside in forests, being as quiet as possible as to not disturb fairies. Making houses with sticks and leaves, pebble pathways. I miss absolutely loving car rides, imagining incredible, non-existent creatures running at eighty mph next to us; manes of water, waves rippling behind them, wings of gold- jumping over shadows as of course, they were much to beautiful to be allowed to fall among them.
Now it's all turned to dreams of being far away, in some frozen paradise with all the beauty of snow, yet a lack of coldness. Finding someone who at least lets me be as I am, and loves me for that. It's hard to believe there may be some sort of person who could actually offer that, and I still have my doubts. Unfortunately only time will tell, but I am so tired of waiting, dreaming. It's hard when one of the things you love most is what keeps you so distant and far from those who actually face reality head on. But what can you do when you're not able to do so.. I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to be when it comes time to actually be on my own. Some days it feels like I'd rather sit outside and imagine being somewhere else; minutes turn to hours.. And then the day is gone.. Sometimes I wonder if it's so bad to be lost in your mind, as opposed to being depressed by the lack of.. Everything you ever wanted in the present world.
In the true world.. You see the beauty inside everything. It doesn't last long- it's either gone in a minute, you just caught it, or else maybe it's something so big you normally can't get your head around it. Like the fog in your head clears out. The world stops being a puppet show and you see the real thing. It's probably like that all the time, but you just can't see it, except for those little glimpses. Like light glinting off the surface of the river, that shimmering quality. It wasn't the thing itself, it was your own ability to see it.
But it is knowing you are there that makes me fine.
Now it's all turned to dreams of being far away, in some frozen paradise with all the beauty of snow, yet a lack of coldness. Finding someone who at least lets me be as I am, and loves me for that. It's hard to believe there may be some sort of person who could actually offer that, and I still have my doubts. Unfortunately only time will tell, but I am so tired of waiting, dreaming. It's hard when one of the things you love most is what keeps you so distant and far from those who actually face reality head on. But what can you do when you're not able to do so.. I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to be when it comes time to actually be on my own. Some days it feels like I'd rather sit outside and imagine being somewhere else; minutes turn to hours.. And then the day is gone.. Sometimes I wonder if it's so bad to be lost in your mind, as opposed to being depressed by the lack of.. Everything you ever wanted in the present world.
In the true world.. You see the beauty inside everything. It doesn't last long- it's either gone in a minute, you just caught it, or else maybe it's something so big you normally can't get your head around it. Like the fog in your head clears out. The world stops being a puppet show and you see the real thing. It's probably like that all the time, but you just can't see it, except for those little glimpses. Like light glinting off the surface of the river, that shimmering quality. It wasn't the thing itself, it was your own ability to see it.
But it is knowing you are there that makes me fine.