[Fic] Never Better
Title : [Fic] Never Better
Author : Jadey
Rating : PG13
Genre : Friendship. Romance
Pairing : Sho/Jun
Summary : Jun’s not sure when this started to become like a hobby, this visiting each other thing when they were both free to do so because, well, it’s just plain weird. Okay, maybe it isn’t, not much at least, because for one, they’ve been working with each other for so long, and they’ve been friends for far longer (he thinks) that visiting each other occasionally would have to be normal for them at this point but.
Word count : around 2900 words
Disclaimer : fiction, yo!
Note : lovely a! I hope this is to your liking. Last part would be the drabble that you also paid for (or something else, I'm still thinking about it, sorry) :D Sorry this took me a while, but I had a hard time figuring out a decent plot that isn’t angst. (All I ever think of is the hiatus, huhu, so I hope this is okay for you)
(This fic is also available in AO3)
Jun’s not sure when this started to become like a hobby, this visiting each other thing when they were both free to do so because, well, it’s just plain weird. Okay, maybe it isn’t, not much at least, because for one, they’ve been working with each other for so long, and they’ve been friends for far longer (he thinks) that visiting each other occasionally would have to be normal for them at this point but.
But it’s not, especially when it concerns the two of them because, well, it’s them. He and Sho have always been just a little awkward around each other (little might even be an understatement) that he had simply learned to live with it, had gotten used to it that the fact doesn’t upset him anymore, at least more than it used to before.
But ever since Hawaii, things have gotten a little, well, different.
It wasn’t him who initiated the change, (he wouldn’t even dream of it, okay, maybe he would, but he’s not that stupid to admit it to anyone anyway) and surprisingly, it was Sho. Granted, they've been at each other's residences quite a few times over the past years but it happened so far in between and never without the company of one or all of their band mates and never like this.
Never like this.
He told himself that it is probably just because they were being sentimental, the five of them just celebrated their 15th year together, after all, but to be honest, he doesn't think that's just it. Not when despite the awkward air buzzing in between them, Sho acts like he either doesn't feel it or he's outright ignoring it.
He, on the other hand, is often torn between asking Sho what the fuck he thinks he's up to and throwing himself out of his apartment window if only so he would stop feeling so fucking confused every time Sho shows up in his apartment unannounced.
It's a little bit unsettling, not to mention stupid, that his heart aches for something more despite knowing that there won't be any. He may forever feel something more for Sho other than what he supposed he should feel for someone he's worked with for years, may even feel inclined to daydream about forbidden things about said guy when he's alone, the only other time he allows himself the luxury to hope despite the fact that there's nothing to hope for, but lately, Sho isn't making things any easier for him and for his heart, at all.
Most especially when the older man comes knocking at Jun's door when Jun least expects it, wearing a smile that just about robbed Jun the ability to say anything, much more decline, standing outside of Jun's door and waiting to be let in as if he has all the fucking right to do so.
"Good evening, Matsumoto-san," greets Sho, beaming from ear to ear as he holds out a pack of Kirin and looking so unfairly gorgeous at such an ungodly hour.
"Shooting for the CM had finished early so I thought I’d go out for a drink or nine but then the friend I was supposed to meet suddenly cancelled on me so I thought I’d just head home but then I remember it’s your day off too so I -“ Sho trails here, mouth curling into that smile that just about does it for Jun, god fucking damn it. “ - thought you might be home and -“ Sho adds, raising his occupied hand and then pausing when he sees Jun opens his mouth to say something. Jun snaps his mouth shut again before he gets one word out.
“Hmmm, I hope it’s okay?”
He wants to point out that it’s already half hour past midnight and that Sho should probably need to revise his understanding about the word ‘early’ but wisely bites his tongue instead, finds himself stupidly staring at the beer on Sho’s hands and the subtle five o’clock shadow peppering Sho’s jaw.
What he wants to say is, what if I’m not, would you stay there all night waiting for me when you could have just sent me a fucking text saying you’re coming right over so I can at least, I don’t know, tell you to bugger off and leave me the fuck alone?, but instead opted on, “You brought beer,” he mutters, sees the smile curling the side of Sho-san’s mouth as he steps aside to let Sho in before something horrible happens, like his heart exploding out of his chest and spurting bloody mess all over Sho’s pretty face. Jesus.
It’s so damn difficult to think straight when Sho is near and god, he’s not even sure how it’s possible for him to feel like this after so long, how Sho is still able to make him feel like he’s sixteen again, and crushing on someone in secret like a fucking teenager.
But Sho simply does and that’s all there is to it.
“Would you have preferred something else instead?” Sho asks when they are both inside his living room proper and he is gesturing Sho to sit his ass down, god damn it.
“Not really, no,” he returns, taking the beer out of Sho’s hold and muttering something about putting them in the fridge for a bit, keep them cold, before he walks off towards the direction of his kitchen.
He is stuffing each can inside the fridge when he remembers something, half-yelling, “What about dinner, Sho-san -!“
“Won’t your neighbors mind you yelling like that?” Sho muses from somewhere behind him, his voice sounded nearer that he almost, almost drops the canned beer in his hand the minute he swivels around to find the older man standing by the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. “And dinner is okay, if you feel like cooking, or reheating something if you have any leftover, of course.” Sho says, offering him a smile that just sort of made everything worse for him right then.
“P-Pasta okay for you?” he manages to stutter, mentally hitting himself in the head for acting like a girl with a crush. Ugh.
Sho simply chuckles and walks the rest of the way inside before he sits comfortably on one of the stools there, chin propped up on the palm of his hand, staring Jun over.
“Whatever you feel like cooking,” Sho says, grinning like a kid, “you know I have no problem with anything so long as they are edible.”
He huffs under his breath and turns around, wills his heart to stop trying to beat its way out of his chest and eventually kill him. “What, are you saying you’re like Leader now?” he murmurs.
When he turn around again, he swears there is something in Sho’s gaze that is so fierce he finds himself drawn to it, but it’s gone the next time he blinks.
“Maybe,” Sho says, smile still in place and looking so comfortably gorgeous sitting there. “But I do like your pasta so do go ahead with it, if you please.“ the older man follows with a shrug, his answer is so completely off topic he feels like he’s missing something important though he’s not sure what it is.
But for now, he lets it go; he has to because if not, he might end up tearing his hair out of sheer frustration and that’s not exactly an enticing sight, to be honest.
“Pasta it is, then.” he says and goes straight to prepare it while Sho watches.
+
“You don’t have to stay here, you know.” he says, pretending to be engrossed in cutting the tomatoes despite the fact that he’s only paying it half a mind, only vaguely grateful that he hasn’t managed to cut any of his fingers yet.
But it’s difficult to focus on the things at hand when it’s too quiet save from the sounds of his knife hitting the chopping board, which is actually also being drowned out by the noises his heart is making. He doesn’t even need to glance back to know that Sho is quietly appraising him, gaze following his every move.
“Do you want me to leave?”
He sighs, turning around this time. “Just the kitchen, Sho-san,” he says, shaking his head in mock-exasperation. “I mean, you don’t have to stay around and wait until I finish cooking this. It’ll take a bit more time,” he says, gesturing with his mouth. “You can go lie down on the couch while I’m cooking or watch something - I have a few of our shows saved if in case you want to -“
“I’d rather watch you cook, actually.” Sho says with a smile that just about crack his heart in half, taking his gaze back and willing his fingers not to shake at the stupid aftershocks singing up his spine brought about by that smile. Goodness.
He bites back the urge to scream and wills himself to shrug instead. “Suit yourself, then.”
+
Maybe, it’s the fact that Sho is there, watching his every move that makes the whole cooking process extremely tiring. It’s even worse than when he had to do this in front of a camera, in front of production staff or a studio audience because he swears it’s never like this. He’s never had issues about stage fright ever since he was twelve, going up on stage and dancing behind his senpais along with the other juniors for the first time because he knows what he was doing then. Well, he knows what he’s doing now, too - he’s just cooking pasta, after all, but -
But somehow, right now, as he grips the pan’s handle with his left hand while he stirs the sauce with the ladle using his right, hands shaking along with the rest of him, is enough to tell him that this, right here, is a completely different matter altogether.
And he knows, even without admitting it out loud, that it is all Sakurai Sho’s fault.
+
“This is - god - did you happen to enroll in an Italian cooking class without us knowing, Matsumoto-san?” Sho says around a mouthful, and he would have reprimanded the older man for the sauce he’s spitting all over Jun’s counter if not for the fact that his chest is well on its way into bursting, huffing inaudibly and shoving a forkful of pasta into his mouth with his head ducked low.
His cheeks feel hot and he knows it doesn’t have anything to do with the tiny dash of pepper he puts in the sauce but is actually because of Sho’s heartfelt compliments.
“Seriously, I won’t mind eating this everyday,” Sho adds, almost like an afterthought and he finds himself pausing mid-chew, raising his head just in time to the sight of Sho’s blissful face as he licks the traces of sauce around his mouth.
“So delicious, Matsumoto-san.”
Forcing a smile that he wishes looks genuine enough, he nods.
“Glad you like it,” he says, averting his eyes. It’s bad enough that he is thinking of something else, along the lines of ‘Oh, that’s easy… just say the word and I’ll cook this for you everyday’, face hot as he takes the glass of wine Sho pours for him minutes ago, chugging it down like water.
There’s a lump in his throat that won’t probably go away until Sho leaves (like it ever will even if Sho’s not here), wondering why, after over ten years of avoiding and sidestepping the issue, this has to happen now.
Of course it isn’t something he hasn’t thought of a few times over the past years, what with it being the only constant thing in his life aside from Arashi, but with Arashi itself and their careers to worry about, he hadn’t really had that much time to dwell on the thought alone, enough to give it a chance to float around his head where he knows it is forbidden.
He’d have to give it some serious thought soon, that much is certain, but for now, he has this to worry about, this night to go through first before he has to decide what he should do about this admittedly surprising change in his and Sho’s relationship.
Or lack thereof, that is. God, it’s giving him enough of a headache as it is and if this continues on without him actually knowing what it means, well, to hell with it. Sho has to have a very valid reason why he’s doing this or else.
“Matsumoto-san?” Sho calls, taking his attention back to the present, his expression boyish, hopeful.
“Ah, yes?”
Sho smiles, holding his empty plate over. “Can I have more, please?”
He blinks, swallows past the uneasiness lodging itself in his throat and takes Sho’s plate for a refill.
“S-Sure, Sho-san.” He says.
Sho beams and his heart does that complicated dance in his chest as if on cue at the sight of it. It’s totally unfair, he thinks, that Sho could still do this to him after all these years, making him feel like he’s sixteen again, young and innocent, and so very unsure of himself especially when he is around Sho.
Goddamn it all to hell.
+
They migrated to the living room under an hour later, once he’d chased Sho out of the kitchen and away from doing the dishes. He’d contemplated serving the beers Sho brought with him earlier, but thought better of it when he realized he’d rather be sitting and drinking instead of just doing the latter as he keep Sho’s company.
“Wow, I think I just gained a few extra pounds after that delicious dinner, thank you,” Sho says, rubbing his stomach in an exaggerated way. He chuckles, can’t not, shaking his head and carefully avoiding Sho’s eyes entirely, his confusion being slowly taken over by an almost blinding urge to ask questions.
“Matsumoto-san, hey, are you okay?”
Jun blinks into the space before him, seeing nothing but the memories of the past five times Sho had been here for an impromptu visit, more frequently this past month than it’s ever been during the past decade and a half they’ve known each other. It could be nothing, probably, but something tells him that’s just the coward part of him thinking it.
“Matsujun? Hey, are you -“
“I’m okay,” he says as he turns to face Sho. “But, Sho-san…what about you?”
Sho frowns. “What about me?”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he counters, biting his cheek a little too late. The words are already out of his mouth, and no matter how good he is at pretending this isn’t fucking him up surely isn’t working now. “I mean - what the fuck is happening, really?”
Sho gives him a look that says he’s thinking of a proper reply but Jun beats him to it. “Why are you always coming here? I mean, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but just - well, it’s kind of weird. Don’t you think it’s weird?”
Sho’s mouth does this twitching thing that makes things in Jun’s chest tight. “Well, I did ask you if it was okay -“
He waves a hand at Sho to cut him off. “It is, don’t get me wrong, okay, it’s just that - why now? I mean, you’ve never - I mean, we’ve never really -“ he says, pausing every damn time to rearrange his thoughts into something that actually make sense but terrifically failing.
Jesus. Just what has this man turned him into?
“Hey, hey, ease up,” Sho says, hand somehow ends up on his thankfully clothed leg for an acknowledging squeeze. “I - I’ll go if you want me to, just. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I didn’t really mean to -“
“Uncomfortable is an understatement, Sho-san,” he says, frowning hard, shaking his head. This is what he’s been afraid of, really, for his emotions to be triggered like this because he knows he won’t be able to stop himself asking when he’s provoked. And Sho isn’t making things easier, either. Sho’s unexpected attitude change aside, Jun thinks he’s entitled to ask for an explanation.
“Can I be honest with you?” he asks, his stomach twisting itself in knots. He doesn’t even wait for Sho to answer and just goes with his heart’s desire to make things right. He’s done; he’s just so done.
“Do you know what you’re doing to me, Sho-san?” he asks, feels the way his voice shudders out of him in a rush. His fingers find Sho’s wrist to hold on to, unable to stop himself from tightening his grip when Sho licks his lips nervously in answer. “I feel like you’re leading me on and that’s not - it’s not a nice feeling because I know you might not mean it.”
Sho shakes his head in answer. “No, no, you’re mistaken, that’s not -“
“Then what is this?” he counters, aghast. “If not that then what? We’re too old for this, Sho-san. And you’ve always known - you’ve always known how I feel for you, right? That’s not - that’s never been a secret so, what is this?”
“Jun -“
“If you’re just going to break my heart, then please just stop,” he says, pulling his hand away. “I can’t allow that, not again, not anymore, Sho-san, do you understand -“
“Oh, Jun,” Sho breathes, and somehow, that’s the last thing he hears before Sho’s mouth covers his, warm and real, tugging him into an embrace and making him feel like his doubts don’t exist in the first place. Somehow, it’s much better than how he imagined it, being kissed and kissing Sho back with passion he’d worked hard to keep hidden for years, everything spilling out of him in a span of a few minutes as Sho kisses him, kisses him, kisses him.
Author : Jadey
Rating : PG13
Genre : Friendship. Romance
Pairing : Sho/Jun
Summary : Jun’s not sure when this started to become like a hobby, this visiting each other thing when they were both free to do so because, well, it’s just plain weird. Okay, maybe it isn’t, not much at least, because for one, they’ve been working with each other for so long, and they’ve been friends for far longer (he thinks) that visiting each other occasionally would have to be normal for them at this point but.
Word count : around 2900 words
Disclaimer : fiction, yo!
Note : lovely a! I hope this is to your liking. Last part would be the drabble that you also paid for (or something else, I'm still thinking about it, sorry) :D Sorry this took me a while, but I had a hard time figuring out a decent plot that isn’t angst. (All I ever think of is the hiatus, huhu, so I hope this is okay for you)
(This fic is also available in AO3)
Jun’s not sure when this started to become like a hobby, this visiting each other thing when they were both free to do so because, well, it’s just plain weird. Okay, maybe it isn’t, not much at least, because for one, they’ve been working with each other for so long, and they’ve been friends for far longer (he thinks) that visiting each other occasionally would have to be normal for them at this point but.
But it’s not, especially when it concerns the two of them because, well, it’s them. He and Sho have always been just a little awkward around each other (little might even be an understatement) that he had simply learned to live with it, had gotten used to it that the fact doesn’t upset him anymore, at least more than it used to before.
But ever since Hawaii, things have gotten a little, well, different.
It wasn’t him who initiated the change, (he wouldn’t even dream of it, okay, maybe he would, but he’s not that stupid to admit it to anyone anyway) and surprisingly, it was Sho. Granted, they've been at each other's residences quite a few times over the past years but it happened so far in between and never without the company of one or all of their band mates and never like this.
Never like this.
He told himself that it is probably just because they were being sentimental, the five of them just celebrated their 15th year together, after all, but to be honest, he doesn't think that's just it. Not when despite the awkward air buzzing in between them, Sho acts like he either doesn't feel it or he's outright ignoring it.
He, on the other hand, is often torn between asking Sho what the fuck he thinks he's up to and throwing himself out of his apartment window if only so he would stop feeling so fucking confused every time Sho shows up in his apartment unannounced.
It's a little bit unsettling, not to mention stupid, that his heart aches for something more despite knowing that there won't be any. He may forever feel something more for Sho other than what he supposed he should feel for someone he's worked with for years, may even feel inclined to daydream about forbidden things about said guy when he's alone, the only other time he allows himself the luxury to hope despite the fact that there's nothing to hope for, but lately, Sho isn't making things any easier for him and for his heart, at all.
Most especially when the older man comes knocking at Jun's door when Jun least expects it, wearing a smile that just about robbed Jun the ability to say anything, much more decline, standing outside of Jun's door and waiting to be let in as if he has all the fucking right to do so.
"Good evening, Matsumoto-san," greets Sho, beaming from ear to ear as he holds out a pack of Kirin and looking so unfairly gorgeous at such an ungodly hour.
"Shooting for the CM had finished early so I thought I’d go out for a drink or nine but then the friend I was supposed to meet suddenly cancelled on me so I thought I’d just head home but then I remember it’s your day off too so I -“ Sho trails here, mouth curling into that smile that just about does it for Jun, god fucking damn it. “ - thought you might be home and -“ Sho adds, raising his occupied hand and then pausing when he sees Jun opens his mouth to say something. Jun snaps his mouth shut again before he gets one word out.
“Hmmm, I hope it’s okay?”
He wants to point out that it’s already half hour past midnight and that Sho should probably need to revise his understanding about the word ‘early’ but wisely bites his tongue instead, finds himself stupidly staring at the beer on Sho’s hands and the subtle five o’clock shadow peppering Sho’s jaw.
What he wants to say is, what if I’m not, would you stay there all night waiting for me when you could have just sent me a fucking text saying you’re coming right over so I can at least, I don’t know, tell you to bugger off and leave me the fuck alone?, but instead opted on, “You brought beer,” he mutters, sees the smile curling the side of Sho-san’s mouth as he steps aside to let Sho in before something horrible happens, like his heart exploding out of his chest and spurting bloody mess all over Sho’s pretty face. Jesus.
It’s so damn difficult to think straight when Sho is near and god, he’s not even sure how it’s possible for him to feel like this after so long, how Sho is still able to make him feel like he’s sixteen again, and crushing on someone in secret like a fucking teenager.
But Sho simply does and that’s all there is to it.
“Would you have preferred something else instead?” Sho asks when they are both inside his living room proper and he is gesturing Sho to sit his ass down, god damn it.
“Not really, no,” he returns, taking the beer out of Sho’s hold and muttering something about putting them in the fridge for a bit, keep them cold, before he walks off towards the direction of his kitchen.
He is stuffing each can inside the fridge when he remembers something, half-yelling, “What about dinner, Sho-san -!“
“Won’t your neighbors mind you yelling like that?” Sho muses from somewhere behind him, his voice sounded nearer that he almost, almost drops the canned beer in his hand the minute he swivels around to find the older man standing by the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. “And dinner is okay, if you feel like cooking, or reheating something if you have any leftover, of course.” Sho says, offering him a smile that just sort of made everything worse for him right then.
“P-Pasta okay for you?” he manages to stutter, mentally hitting himself in the head for acting like a girl with a crush. Ugh.
Sho simply chuckles and walks the rest of the way inside before he sits comfortably on one of the stools there, chin propped up on the palm of his hand, staring Jun over.
“Whatever you feel like cooking,” Sho says, grinning like a kid, “you know I have no problem with anything so long as they are edible.”
He huffs under his breath and turns around, wills his heart to stop trying to beat its way out of his chest and eventually kill him. “What, are you saying you’re like Leader now?” he murmurs.
When he turn around again, he swears there is something in Sho’s gaze that is so fierce he finds himself drawn to it, but it’s gone the next time he blinks.
“Maybe,” Sho says, smile still in place and looking so comfortably gorgeous sitting there. “But I do like your pasta so do go ahead with it, if you please.“ the older man follows with a shrug, his answer is so completely off topic he feels like he’s missing something important though he’s not sure what it is.
But for now, he lets it go; he has to because if not, he might end up tearing his hair out of sheer frustration and that’s not exactly an enticing sight, to be honest.
“Pasta it is, then.” he says and goes straight to prepare it while Sho watches.
+
“You don’t have to stay here, you know.” he says, pretending to be engrossed in cutting the tomatoes despite the fact that he’s only paying it half a mind, only vaguely grateful that he hasn’t managed to cut any of his fingers yet.
But it’s difficult to focus on the things at hand when it’s too quiet save from the sounds of his knife hitting the chopping board, which is actually also being drowned out by the noises his heart is making. He doesn’t even need to glance back to know that Sho is quietly appraising him, gaze following his every move.
“Do you want me to leave?”
He sighs, turning around this time. “Just the kitchen, Sho-san,” he says, shaking his head in mock-exasperation. “I mean, you don’t have to stay around and wait until I finish cooking this. It’ll take a bit more time,” he says, gesturing with his mouth. “You can go lie down on the couch while I’m cooking or watch something - I have a few of our shows saved if in case you want to -“
“I’d rather watch you cook, actually.” Sho says with a smile that just about crack his heart in half, taking his gaze back and willing his fingers not to shake at the stupid aftershocks singing up his spine brought about by that smile. Goodness.
He bites back the urge to scream and wills himself to shrug instead. “Suit yourself, then.”
+
Maybe, it’s the fact that Sho is there, watching his every move that makes the whole cooking process extremely tiring. It’s even worse than when he had to do this in front of a camera, in front of production staff or a studio audience because he swears it’s never like this. He’s never had issues about stage fright ever since he was twelve, going up on stage and dancing behind his senpais along with the other juniors for the first time because he knows what he was doing then. Well, he knows what he’s doing now, too - he’s just cooking pasta, after all, but -
But somehow, right now, as he grips the pan’s handle with his left hand while he stirs the sauce with the ladle using his right, hands shaking along with the rest of him, is enough to tell him that this, right here, is a completely different matter altogether.
And he knows, even without admitting it out loud, that it is all Sakurai Sho’s fault.
+
“This is - god - did you happen to enroll in an Italian cooking class without us knowing, Matsumoto-san?” Sho says around a mouthful, and he would have reprimanded the older man for the sauce he’s spitting all over Jun’s counter if not for the fact that his chest is well on its way into bursting, huffing inaudibly and shoving a forkful of pasta into his mouth with his head ducked low.
His cheeks feel hot and he knows it doesn’t have anything to do with the tiny dash of pepper he puts in the sauce but is actually because of Sho’s heartfelt compliments.
“Seriously, I won’t mind eating this everyday,” Sho adds, almost like an afterthought and he finds himself pausing mid-chew, raising his head just in time to the sight of Sho’s blissful face as he licks the traces of sauce around his mouth.
“So delicious, Matsumoto-san.”
Forcing a smile that he wishes looks genuine enough, he nods.
“Glad you like it,” he says, averting his eyes. It’s bad enough that he is thinking of something else, along the lines of ‘Oh, that’s easy… just say the word and I’ll cook this for you everyday’, face hot as he takes the glass of wine Sho pours for him minutes ago, chugging it down like water.
There’s a lump in his throat that won’t probably go away until Sho leaves (like it ever will even if Sho’s not here), wondering why, after over ten years of avoiding and sidestepping the issue, this has to happen now.
Of course it isn’t something he hasn’t thought of a few times over the past years, what with it being the only constant thing in his life aside from Arashi, but with Arashi itself and their careers to worry about, he hadn’t really had that much time to dwell on the thought alone, enough to give it a chance to float around his head where he knows it is forbidden.
He’d have to give it some serious thought soon, that much is certain, but for now, he has this to worry about, this night to go through first before he has to decide what he should do about this admittedly surprising change in his and Sho’s relationship.
Or lack thereof, that is. God, it’s giving him enough of a headache as it is and if this continues on without him actually knowing what it means, well, to hell with it. Sho has to have a very valid reason why he’s doing this or else.
“Matsumoto-san?” Sho calls, taking his attention back to the present, his expression boyish, hopeful.
“Ah, yes?”
Sho smiles, holding his empty plate over. “Can I have more, please?”
He blinks, swallows past the uneasiness lodging itself in his throat and takes Sho’s plate for a refill.
“S-Sure, Sho-san.” He says.
Sho beams and his heart does that complicated dance in his chest as if on cue at the sight of it. It’s totally unfair, he thinks, that Sho could still do this to him after all these years, making him feel like he’s sixteen again, young and innocent, and so very unsure of himself especially when he is around Sho.
Goddamn it all to hell.
+
They migrated to the living room under an hour later, once he’d chased Sho out of the kitchen and away from doing the dishes. He’d contemplated serving the beers Sho brought with him earlier, but thought better of it when he realized he’d rather be sitting and drinking instead of just doing the latter as he keep Sho’s company.
“Wow, I think I just gained a few extra pounds after that delicious dinner, thank you,” Sho says, rubbing his stomach in an exaggerated way. He chuckles, can’t not, shaking his head and carefully avoiding Sho’s eyes entirely, his confusion being slowly taken over by an almost blinding urge to ask questions.
“Matsumoto-san, hey, are you okay?”
Jun blinks into the space before him, seeing nothing but the memories of the past five times Sho had been here for an impromptu visit, more frequently this past month than it’s ever been during the past decade and a half they’ve known each other. It could be nothing, probably, but something tells him that’s just the coward part of him thinking it.
“Matsujun? Hey, are you -“
“I’m okay,” he says as he turns to face Sho. “But, Sho-san…what about you?”
Sho frowns. “What about me?”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he counters, biting his cheek a little too late. The words are already out of his mouth, and no matter how good he is at pretending this isn’t fucking him up surely isn’t working now. “I mean - what the fuck is happening, really?”
Sho gives him a look that says he’s thinking of a proper reply but Jun beats him to it. “Why are you always coming here? I mean, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but just - well, it’s kind of weird. Don’t you think it’s weird?”
Sho’s mouth does this twitching thing that makes things in Jun’s chest tight. “Well, I did ask you if it was okay -“
He waves a hand at Sho to cut him off. “It is, don’t get me wrong, okay, it’s just that - why now? I mean, you’ve never - I mean, we’ve never really -“ he says, pausing every damn time to rearrange his thoughts into something that actually make sense but terrifically failing.
Jesus. Just what has this man turned him into?
“Hey, hey, ease up,” Sho says, hand somehow ends up on his thankfully clothed leg for an acknowledging squeeze. “I - I’ll go if you want me to, just. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I didn’t really mean to -“
“Uncomfortable is an understatement, Sho-san,” he says, frowning hard, shaking his head. This is what he’s been afraid of, really, for his emotions to be triggered like this because he knows he won’t be able to stop himself asking when he’s provoked. And Sho isn’t making things easier, either. Sho’s unexpected attitude change aside, Jun thinks he’s entitled to ask for an explanation.
“Can I be honest with you?” he asks, his stomach twisting itself in knots. He doesn’t even wait for Sho to answer and just goes with his heart’s desire to make things right. He’s done; he’s just so done.
“Do you know what you’re doing to me, Sho-san?” he asks, feels the way his voice shudders out of him in a rush. His fingers find Sho’s wrist to hold on to, unable to stop himself from tightening his grip when Sho licks his lips nervously in answer. “I feel like you’re leading me on and that’s not - it’s not a nice feeling because I know you might not mean it.”
Sho shakes his head in answer. “No, no, you’re mistaken, that’s not -“
“Then what is this?” he counters, aghast. “If not that then what? We’re too old for this, Sho-san. And you’ve always known - you’ve always known how I feel for you, right? That’s not - that’s never been a secret so, what is this?”
“Jun -“
“If you’re just going to break my heart, then please just stop,” he says, pulling his hand away. “I can’t allow that, not again, not anymore, Sho-san, do you understand -“
“Oh, Jun,” Sho breathes, and somehow, that’s the last thing he hears before Sho’s mouth covers his, warm and real, tugging him into an embrace and making him feel like his doubts don’t exist in the first place. Somehow, it’s much better than how he imagined it, being kissed and kissing Sho back with passion he’d worked hard to keep hidden for years, everything spilling out of him in a span of a few minutes as Sho kisses him, kisses him, kisses him.