(no subject)
I watched The Wizard of Oz last night and tried to look for something in that little girl's face. Any wrinkle in her face, any strain in her eye..anything to show that she was suffering inside from sleeping pills, caffeine pills, weight problems, and a lifelong struggle for love. I found nothing. I guess those who hurt the most are most adept at hiding it. Each of the characters in the movie is searching for something they are missing: a brain, a heart, courage...except for Dorothy. She is searching for something she has lost. In the end, she is able to make it back home. But in reality, it is not so easy to retrieve or replace what you have lost. Sometimes you don't know where to look. Or sometimes, you don't know what you've lost at all.
As for me, I guess I’m just confused. I’m in this state of stagnation, where I feel nothing is what I want it to be anymore. So I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to break away and start anew as an individual. I need to find out what I want from life, I need to find out what I want from college next year, and what I want for myself. Then I need to find out what I want from and for him and our relationship. I don’t necessarily want to end us forever-I don’t. I just need a break from everyone and everything because I’m just annoyed and disappointed about it all. I just need some time to figure things out, clear my head, and focus on myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally...so things can be good again. It’s not so much that I want this to happen, but that I need for this to happen. The only thing I’m proud of, I guess, is that I'm handling school pretty well, and that I'm almost done with all my applications. I have forced myself to do these things because that is what has focused me so far, but it can only go so far because that drives me crazy too. I don’t know what I need to do to make things good again, to make myself happy, but at least I think I’m taking the first step. I guess this is another round of trial and error.