Sigh, I don't like feeling lonely
I have joined various dating sites or other profile sites trying to see what my options are in online dating. I always have been told that trying to find a serious relationship in a bar or club is not a good idea. Everything I hear is that they are usually full of just one night stands or short flings. It has been about a month now, still nothing meaningful has materialized from it yet. Actually, I have not really gotten any responses from anyone except one person that I can think of briefly (and they have not messaged me back yet). I have logged in each morning first thing when I wake up or get home from work to check my email to see if anyone has responded but never anything appears.
It makes me wonder I can try to do to make people want to pursue a relationship with me. I am that unattractive to other people? There are a few people tell me how I look "pretty", but other people that I have known say not complimentary things or one person said how "I am embarrassing myself and make an ugly man-woman". It makes me conflicted on how to feel about my appearance, especially when I usually have a low opinion to of it. I know that I want to lose more weight. Are my masculine features turning people away? I sometimes wonder what I can do to make myself more attractive.
I feel like I am unlovable, bottom line. I have never kissed anyone before, and of course I have never been in sexual contact with anyone. I don't know anyone around my age or older who has never kissed anyone. I would settle for a hug even at this point because at least someone would want to touch me. I have lied to people about this stuff when asked in the past because I am embarrassed to share the truth (except I was truthful on being a virgin, but I had the Catholic excuse). I never went to any of my high school or college dances. Never knew a girl who remotely liked me, and my few friends made their own arrangements to these events. I worked on my prom night even.
Sure, I had that girl Heather who liked me briefly, but there were problems with that relationship (she valued some of my masculine features too greatly in my opinion who also talked at times how she did some sexual things for all her past relationships) and had to end. I had an older trans woman (like 40s or 50s) uncomfortably hit on me as well a while back. I still wonder though, why would anyone want to waste their time with someone like me in a serious way?
I don't know what to do anymore about it. I guess I can wait and see if someone has any fleeting curiosity to actually message me back on any of these dating sites? I have waited 26 years, maybe it won't be much longer. I don't know. Problem is that I read other trans women journals lately too. Many of them have waited or searched for years and still have not found anyone to be in a long relationship with. It scares me to think I could wait years and be in the same situation, just older. I think about this stuff almost everyday. I still have my body issues and stuff, but I am lonely. I am a negative and pessimistic person so it is hard for me to believe anything good will happen to me. I try my best not to think about these problems because I don't know if anyone can help me anymore. At this point, maybe it is better that I don't find someone. I probably would smother them at this point and drive them away.
It makes me wonder I can try to do to make people want to pursue a relationship with me. I am that unattractive to other people? There are a few people tell me how I look "pretty", but other people that I have known say not complimentary things or one person said how "I am embarrassing myself and make an ugly man-woman". It makes me conflicted on how to feel about my appearance, especially when I usually have a low opinion to of it. I know that I want to lose more weight. Are my masculine features turning people away? I sometimes wonder what I can do to make myself more attractive.
I feel like I am unlovable, bottom line. I have never kissed anyone before, and of course I have never been in sexual contact with anyone. I don't know anyone around my age or older who has never kissed anyone. I would settle for a hug even at this point because at least someone would want to touch me. I have lied to people about this stuff when asked in the past because I am embarrassed to share the truth (except I was truthful on being a virgin, but I had the Catholic excuse). I never went to any of my high school or college dances. Never knew a girl who remotely liked me, and my few friends made their own arrangements to these events. I worked on my prom night even.
Sure, I had that girl Heather who liked me briefly, but there were problems with that relationship (she valued some of my masculine features too greatly in my opinion who also talked at times how she did some sexual things for all her past relationships) and had to end. I had an older trans woman (like 40s or 50s) uncomfortably hit on me as well a while back. I still wonder though, why would anyone want to waste their time with someone like me in a serious way?
I don't know what to do anymore about it. I guess I can wait and see if someone has any fleeting curiosity to actually message me back on any of these dating sites? I have waited 26 years, maybe it won't be much longer. I don't know. Problem is that I read other trans women journals lately too. Many of them have waited or searched for years and still have not found anyone to be in a long relationship with. It scares me to think I could wait years and be in the same situation, just older. I think about this stuff almost everyday. I still have my body issues and stuff, but I am lonely. I am a negative and pessimistic person so it is hard for me to believe anything good will happen to me. I try my best not to think about these problems because I don't know if anyone can help me anymore. At this point, maybe it is better that I don't find someone. I probably would smother them at this point and drive them away.