My first relationship has ended
My first relationship has ended, but it was my choice to do it. This was not an easy thing to do either.
Over a lot of debate with myself, I decided that it was best to break up with Heather this afternoon after us only being in a relationship for more than slightly a week. I did feel that it may have been too soon to end it, but at the same time, I felt like it would be better to end it now for several reasons (not all of them being good ones though).
1. I was not able to feel that I liked Heather more than just a friend. She showed me so much affection and compliments, I felt guilty that I did not feel the same for her in return. I asked myself if I felt that I would be able to see her more than a friend. In the end, I felt like that I did not have any feelings for her in that way.
2. My life is still in flux with my transition. I am still dealing with my family and other people like trying to come out to them all or be accepted by family as a girl and not kept a secret that they don't want to deal with at this time. I am also trying to move on with getting my name legally changed at some point. It can be stressful at times to deal with this, and adding a relationship that I am not sure how I feel about definitely added to that stress.
3. This is probably the weakest reason but I felt like we were in two different phases of our lives. She was a sophomore in the middle of college with multiple part time jobs living her family and had young friends. I am several years past college working a typical "8 to 5" job. I felt a bit weird just dating someone in just a different time in their life. She spends so much time with people at that college.
4. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship. I know that I am a pretty weak minded person at times that can bother too many people as well. I can be a mess to deal with.
5. I am not sure how many more times I will get to see her in the next week or two, and I knew that the longer I wait to keep this going and if I did not develop stronger feelings for her, then it would hurt both of us even more to end it later.
After Heather got off work this afternoon, I met her at a tasty ice cream parlor called Sweet Things N' More. I bought both of us some ice cream cones (delicious by the way). One thing she mentioned to me is that the day before is that she went with her mom and sister to the park. She told her mom about us dating each other, and apparently the mom was a bit shocked and did not know what to say to her. I felt bad at that point and weary of what I was about to do. After we talked while we finished eating, I knew that we needed to do this break up in a more private setting. So I asked if she wanted to talk more in my car and she said sure. We continued some small talk for a while in my car.
I then eventually started the talk how I say how I had been thinking about our relationship a lot lately, but I felt like that I did not like her as much as she liked me. She did interrupt me early into it asking, "Are you friend zoning me?" I said yes, but I gave a lot more explanation which I basically talked about all those points I discussed above. She looked away from me this whole time as I talked to her. I started losing my train of thought as I tried to say all these hard things to someone. I felt so rotten for doing this to such a sweet person. She started to cry just a bit but kept herself composed too. She said how this breakup reminded her of another breakup she had with another guy, and those bad memories were flooding back to her. I grabbed her hand and told her how she is so nice, pretty, and sweet and that she was going to find that special someone that was for her. I told her that she deserved much better than me. I definitely meant everything I told her too.
She did agree after the initial sting and emotion wore off that she agreed that she felt like this relationship probably was not going to work out. Heather said how when she thought about her wedding day, she admitted that she found it difficult for me to be in her vision. She said that she always could only feel right about a guy waiting for her at the altar in her mind. She felt also our relationship was going to hit a hard point at some point that would have been difficult to get through. Heather did not go into detail what she meant by that, but based on other conversations we had, I think sexual relations may have been an issue for us, and me wanting to get GRS was also a bit of an issue. I got the vibe after that conversation that she still liked men more, and me being a trans woman would have been an issue down the line. I walked her back to her car, we hugged, she thanked me for being honest with her, and she said that she would still like to be friends with Nicole, Yumi, and I.
I still feel kind of rotten for doing that to her, but I think it was for the best that we ended it now. I also feel sad and pathetic too. I still have never kissed anyone before and still have not done anything sexual with anyone yet (assuming anyone really would like to do those things with me after they truly evaluate and get to know me). I do want to find a relationship with someone. It was nice to meet Heather who actually was the first person ever to say that she liked me more than a platonic way. I wonder to myself if anyone ever will like me in such a way again, and I hopefully will like them just as much in return. However it may be difficult for many if anyone to like me as a whole. I see lots of cute couples out there. I have to admit that I get jealous at times. I just wondered what it is like for to embrace someone and know that your love for each other is there. I would like to know that mutual feeling of love. Perhaps one day I can find someone too...
Until then, I don't know. I guess that I should deal with my issues that I still have and try not to get too down on myself (that can be difficult at times to avoid).
Over a lot of debate with myself, I decided that it was best to break up with Heather this afternoon after us only being in a relationship for more than slightly a week. I did feel that it may have been too soon to end it, but at the same time, I felt like it would be better to end it now for several reasons (not all of them being good ones though).
1. I was not able to feel that I liked Heather more than just a friend. She showed me so much affection and compliments, I felt guilty that I did not feel the same for her in return. I asked myself if I felt that I would be able to see her more than a friend. In the end, I felt like that I did not have any feelings for her in that way.
2. My life is still in flux with my transition. I am still dealing with my family and other people like trying to come out to them all or be accepted by family as a girl and not kept a secret that they don't want to deal with at this time. I am also trying to move on with getting my name legally changed at some point. It can be stressful at times to deal with this, and adding a relationship that I am not sure how I feel about definitely added to that stress.
3. This is probably the weakest reason but I felt like we were in two different phases of our lives. She was a sophomore in the middle of college with multiple part time jobs living her family and had young friends. I am several years past college working a typical "8 to 5" job. I felt a bit weird just dating someone in just a different time in their life. She spends so much time with people at that college.
4. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship. I know that I am a pretty weak minded person at times that can bother too many people as well. I can be a mess to deal with.
5. I am not sure how many more times I will get to see her in the next week or two, and I knew that the longer I wait to keep this going and if I did not develop stronger feelings for her, then it would hurt both of us even more to end it later.
After Heather got off work this afternoon, I met her at a tasty ice cream parlor called Sweet Things N' More. I bought both of us some ice cream cones (delicious by the way). One thing she mentioned to me is that the day before is that she went with her mom and sister to the park. She told her mom about us dating each other, and apparently the mom was a bit shocked and did not know what to say to her. I felt bad at that point and weary of what I was about to do. After we talked while we finished eating, I knew that we needed to do this break up in a more private setting. So I asked if she wanted to talk more in my car and she said sure. We continued some small talk for a while in my car.
I then eventually started the talk how I say how I had been thinking about our relationship a lot lately, but I felt like that I did not like her as much as she liked me. She did interrupt me early into it asking, "Are you friend zoning me?" I said yes, but I gave a lot more explanation which I basically talked about all those points I discussed above. She looked away from me this whole time as I talked to her. I started losing my train of thought as I tried to say all these hard things to someone. I felt so rotten for doing this to such a sweet person. She started to cry just a bit but kept herself composed too. She said how this breakup reminded her of another breakup she had with another guy, and those bad memories were flooding back to her. I grabbed her hand and told her how she is so nice, pretty, and sweet and that she was going to find that special someone that was for her. I told her that she deserved much better than me. I definitely meant everything I told her too.
She did agree after the initial sting and emotion wore off that she agreed that she felt like this relationship probably was not going to work out. Heather said how when she thought about her wedding day, she admitted that she found it difficult for me to be in her vision. She said that she always could only feel right about a guy waiting for her at the altar in her mind. She felt also our relationship was going to hit a hard point at some point that would have been difficult to get through. Heather did not go into detail what she meant by that, but based on other conversations we had, I think sexual relations may have been an issue for us, and me wanting to get GRS was also a bit of an issue. I got the vibe after that conversation that she still liked men more, and me being a trans woman would have been an issue down the line. I walked her back to her car, we hugged, she thanked me for being honest with her, and she said that she would still like to be friends with Nicole, Yumi, and I.
I still feel kind of rotten for doing that to her, but I think it was for the best that we ended it now. I also feel sad and pathetic too. I still have never kissed anyone before and still have not done anything sexual with anyone yet (assuming anyone really would like to do those things with me after they truly evaluate and get to know me). I do want to find a relationship with someone. It was nice to meet Heather who actually was the first person ever to say that she liked me more than a platonic way. I wonder to myself if anyone ever will like me in such a way again, and I hopefully will like them just as much in return. However it may be difficult for many if anyone to like me as a whole. I see lots of cute couples out there. I have to admit that I get jealous at times. I just wondered what it is like for to embrace someone and know that your love for each other is there. I would like to know that mutual feeling of love. Perhaps one day I can find someone too...
Until then, I don't know. I guess that I should deal with my issues that I still have and try not to get too down on myself (that can be difficult at times to avoid).