Went out to clubs last night

Jan 28, 2012 18:36

Last night was the first time ever that I got to go to any clubs with Nicole and Yumi in Houston. Usually they are busy on the weekend nights, but last night they were not. We decided going to a club all together would be fun.

I typically in the past don't do well in clubs or bars. Mainly it is due to the fact that I don't really feel comfortable interacting with strangers. I don't really care that much about drinking, mainly because I rather spend money on other things. I also don't care to dance. I get too self conscious out there when I dance. I feel stupid out there when I dance. Despite all of this, I still wanted to try going out to a club. It sounded like a new interesting thing we could do together and I had very faint hope that maybe I could meet someone. Even Yumi played up that small bit of hope that I may find someone.

We went to several clubs last night. First went to a club called South Beach. It was a queer club. I liked it overall. Spacious. Big dance floor. Lots of places to sit. Good dance music. I was disappointed with the lack of girls though, maybe 95% of the club was guys. Nicole and Yumi said that the last time they were there, there were a lot more girls. I got a cherry vodka sour and talked with them on the couch. We then decided to make our way to the dance floor area. I volunteered to watch Nicole's jacket while they went to the dance floor and cut loose.

As I watched them and other people dance, a wave of sadness and depression hit me. I struggled for 10 minutes it seemed to keep myself from crying. I can't even fully explain all the thoughts I had during that time. One thought I had was loneliness. I was envious of the couples throughout the club who were dancing, drinking, having fun, socializing, etc. together. It made me think that I may never find anyone like these people. Someone who actually likes me more than a friend or family member. I know relationships take work and such, but I have no clue what it is like to be loved in a non-plutonic way. I felt ugly. Ashamed. More than anything, lonely. Also, the other main thought was that I don't know how to have fun like these people. I am too careful and concerned how I am perceived at all times. I am a meticulous and calculating person. I don't know how to cut loose like on the dance floor. I am too concerned looking like a fool. I freeze up because I don't want to look stupid and be feel even more embarrassed and ashamed about myself. I know the argument that people don't pay attention, but in my mind, they do.

Nicole and Yumi tried to pull me on the dance floor, I refused. I didn't want to ruin their fun. I also kind of figured at the time that maybe it is best that I give them space and let them have fun without me dragging them down. They said that they wanted to go to another club after dancing for like 15 minutes or so. I was struggling to keep myself together from going into a completely depressed state. I volunteered that I should go to the car as they continued. They then said that maybe we should all just go home if I was tired, I then insisted we continue then going to clubs. I didn't want to ruin the night.

We then went to a place called CJ's I think. It had a drag show. It was interesting. Never seen one before. Most of them clearly had implants or silicone injections done. I enjoyed their routines and stuff though. We then left there after a while to go to a bar called AJ's I believe. It was a gay bar. It had a nice atmosphere and country-like. More laid back than South Beach. Apparently my new doctor is gay I found out because Yumi recognized him there and said hi. I didn't realize it was him till Yumi said so, but it doesn't bother me at all that he is gay. I only met him briefly twice in my doctors appointments, so I did not think much of it when I saw him there.

After that, we decided to head back home to Katy. It was a good 30 to 40 minute drive back to where we live.

I was disappointed that I was not more enjoyable to be around last night. I am disappointed that I could not get myself to let loose on the dance floor. I hope that I did not ruin the night too much for Yumi and Nicole. They may have been better off without me weighing them down in several ways last night, but it was an interesting experience. Who knows when the next time we will get a chance to do that again, and I did not take full advantage of it because I was not mentally capable of it last night.

self confidence, confidence, body issues, yumi, emotions, sad, fun, self esteem, loneliness, crowded, nicole, fear

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