When will I take the next step in transition?
I have thought a lot lately (when not worrying about my dog's health recently) concerning my progress in my transition. Or perhaps I should say the lack of progress.
It is frustrating. I want to feel like I am making progress but I am deluding myself most of the time into thinking that I have made any significant progress in my transition.
I don't know why I am not taking more steps forward, but I have my theories:
1. I have always disliked and dreaded change in my life while growing up. I always was nervous and afraid of the unknown usually like the first day of school.
2. I am still ashamed and disappointed in my body. I guess that I hoped to be more feminine in my general physique but I was too optimistic in this phase. Despite being on hormones now on 14 months straight, I am disappointed with the results. Perhaps I am not taking the right dosages or had unrealistic expectations. I know that I will not even dare going out in public dressed as a girl. In my mind, there is not a snowball's chance in hell I will pass right now.
The mirrors are still no friend of mine. I cannot look long at them without seeing the many imperfections and prominent, disgusting male physical features. It greatly depresses me how I can never see anything other than shaggy looking guy staring back at me. I have no confidence concerning my physique and features. I hate ranting about my body issues because I know every trans person has their own list of body issues as well. I feel the one difference between myself and many other trans people is that I cannot create the visual image of a girl to myself. Perhaps I am too harsh on myself but I have to satisfy myself at some point. I actually believe that I have realistic hopes and expectations concerning my appearance but it only reminds me that maybe everything is all for naught concerning transition.
3. Perhaps I have an internalized transphobia of myself. If this is true about myself (not sure if this is true or not), I have to figure out how to fully accept that I am transgendered. I believe that I have come to the realization a few months ago that I am never going to be truly happy trying to live as a cis male. I know that this is what all my friends, family, and coworkers expect me to be. I am afraid to lose everyone and everything. Too many times I read stories of people coming out and losing everything.
Probably my feelings of discouragement originate from a combination of the three reasons above.
My friend Yumi (yummyyumi ) is going to see her doctor to get a checkout and make sure her hormones are fine as well. I have been telling myself that I need to see a doctor but I am not able to convince myself to do it. I have told myself that when I see a doctor now in days, I will tell them my whole medical history including my hormone use. I would then try to arrange with the doctor to get me properly monitored hormonally and perhaps give me better or higher doses hormones. I just cannot get myself to go see a doctor about any of this. Been well over a year and a half since I last saw any doctor. I have constantly made myself promise that if I go see a doctor from now on, that my physical transition will continue and progress while being monitored professionally.
I just don't know what to do anymore towards my transition.
Even though I feel that I am not a cis male, I still occasionally think about how almost everything else outside tells me to "suck it up" and accept life as a man.
I feel so lost at times...