Yabeki - Last Chapter of Part 1
Title: Yabeki
Author: Ohimechan & Aiko
Pairing: Jin/Kazuya, Tomohisa/Kazuya, Ryo/Uchi, Shige/Koyama
Characters: X Group: Nishikido Ryo, Yamashita Tomohisa, Koyama Keiichiro, Kato Shigeaki. Y Group: Akanishi Jin, Kamenashi Kazuya, Tanaka Koki, Nakamaru Yuichi. Still in no group: Kusano Hironori.
Disclaimer: General Disclaimer and stuff.
Genre: School fic, angst, love, hate - all that stuff.
Rating: PG13 (I think? I don't know!)
Word Count: 11 366
Notes: This is the last chapter of Yabeki Part 1.
Yabeki - Chapter 13
'Tomohisa,
How are you? I'm awake and it's soon past three in the morning. For once I'm spending the night in my room. I've looked over at your window more times than I can count just within the last hour, hoping to see you. But then I remembered the time and I guess you're sleeping. You should be sleeping anyway. I wish I could be there with you, wish I could be next to you - watch your sleeping face and keep myself from waking you up.
That other guy's here. He's sleeping and I know that once morning comes I'll have to be in his arms again.
How I wish, that I, for once, would be able to spend a whole day with you, without having to be afraid that someone would see and so make living so much harder than it already is.
You know, even though my heart's with you, I can't dislike Him. Not even a little. He was, after all, the first one who ever saw me. He kept me from doing awful things to myself and thus brought me back to life. In one way I'll forever be grateful to him. Once I thought he'd always be the reason for why I'm still breathing and have yet to fail another suicide attempt. Even though I know, I know he doesn't love me. I know he'll get married to some beautiful woman soon enough. I've always known that being together with him wouldn't last long. But I was okay with that. I was okay with knowing he didn't (doesn't) love me.
Because he saw me, you know?
But then you kissed me, and it was so different. It wasn't like when I was with him. It wasn't like anything I've experienced before. Even though it was just a kiss in a very awkward moment it charmed me and I couldn't stop thinking about you once it was over.
That's what love's like for real, isn't it?
That night when you told me you like me, my mind went blank. I didn't know what to say or do or believe. I still have a hard time understanding it, that -you- like me. Why?
What could I possibly have done to deserve someone as beautiful as you?
"Kyou mo suki desu" you said the next day and smiled.
The way you make me feel when you say those gentle words - smile at me with those lips-
That feeling is surely the best feeling in this world. I'm not sure, but I think it's called something along the lines like 'happiness'.
I love being with you. Even if it's just for a little while, laying next to you. Those minutes are what I treasure the most. When you smile at me and I look you in the eyes I feel hope. You give me hope, make me think, realize that maybe - just maybe things will be good? If I wait just a little bit longer, then maybe life will take a turn and have me enjoying it?
I'm forever grateful to you. That you spend time with me, that you tell me your true feelings and make me believe in your words. I still don't quite get it though. It's unbelievable, that someone as beautiful like you would like someone like me. What is there to like?
All of this, all of us, is like a dream. To meet your eyes, see you smile and feel your lips is definitely something I'd do anything to keep for forever.
It's a dream, isn't it?
It sure would explain all of this - why I'd be feeling so good even though I probably should cry about my so called beloved's behavior? Even though he curses at me and over and over, makes me the object of irritation, I feel good inside. Because I know your words are true, that you like me. Because I know that if I keep up with this I'll have a moment with you again. I don't know why, but I know it'll happen.
... I'm dreaming aren’t I? But it's definitely a good dream, it’s the best.
Say, Tomohisa, do you believe we dream when we're dead? You think that we'd still be aware of our dreaming if we'd die?
I think so. I know that the consciousness wouldn't be the same as it is for a living person. But I still believe our thoughts just wouldn't die, not like that.
Our thoughts and our personality, our soul, it would somehow live on, right?
Because, you know, I really like this dream. I like having it and I'm scared every minute I'm not with you, that I'll wake up.
Having an endless dream where I'd forever be with you would be the best.
Thank you for showing me real happiness.
I love you.
Kazuya.'
It didn’t take long, since he was a fast reader anyway. Two minutes at most. But he read it over and over and over and he’d lost count of how many times he’d read it, could probably have said the entire thing word for word out loud if asked to. So it wasn’t… That. It wasn’t even close to that. The relief was immense - and there were a multitude of other feelings he couldn’t have named if he tried.
For a long moment he sat still and stared into space, holding the delicate paper to his chest with a force that almost hurt. And then it all caught up with him, all those emotions coming in a giant wave that caused him to choke on his tears as they fought to get past the lump in his throat. But they did manage, and within seconds the wetness was running down his face, dripping rather unbecomingly off his chin.
How could anyone possibly say such things about him? And actually mean them?
It was at that moment that he realized just how much the ridiculous, childish divide between the two halves of his class had basically ruined his life. Always having to be careful that he didn’t speak to the wrong person, forever fighting with people he didn’t even know, it was just all so horribly unnecessary!
Well, he wasn’t going to do it anymore. Screw Ryo, if he was so annoyed about it then he’d just have to go cry or something - which wasn’t like Ryo at all. Tomohisa knew very well that if (when!) he went into school today and decided not to be a part of X-group anymore he’d take a beating from… Anyone who wanted a go, really. Anybody not part of a group was fair game for anyone else, after all.
He didn’t care. He’d take it and not fight back because it just wasn’t worth the trouble.
When Ryo came to get him some five minutes later, he was told in no uncertain terms that Tomohisa had already left. Mrs. Yamashita seemed quite confused, didn’t know why her son hadn’t waited for his friend - they always walked to school together, didn’t they? Ryo didn’t know any more than she did, and was way too pissed off to stay and talk to her. He’d be late, after all, and that just wasn’t acceptable. Neither was fucking off without a word, but hey, he’d already decided that the idiot would pay for that later. Nobody, NOBODY left Nishikido Ryo hanging - or embarrassed him in such a way.
Tomohisa was the first one of his class to arrive that morning. Perfect, that was exactly what he’d wanted. He regretted that he wouldn’t be able to say sorry to Ryo for not waiting before the time came that Ryo would undoubtedly sever any connection they’d had - because Ryo was just like that. X-group was his entire life and that was obvious, despite insulting them all pretty frequently. They’d gotten used to that, anyway.
As he took a desk in the back row (careful not to take either Kei’s or Shigeaki’s) and pulled it over so that it straddled The Line, Tomohisa realized what he was about to do. He’d lose all his friends, he’d be alone at school right up until they graduated… But if his friends were really his friends, they’d still like him for who he was. Wouldn’t they? Was it possible that any of them could see past the stupid group thing and continue to associate with one refusing to follow the rules of the class, even after it had been drummed into their minds for so long?
Tomohisa sat down and sighed quietly. As soon as the next person arrived, he’d find out.
As if this was some sort of fairytale where everything just happened due to "coincidences", the door soon opened and the reason for Tomohisa's sudden decision walked in. Though he stopped right as he'd put his foot inside the threshold, this because he'd apparently seen who was there and where he was sitting. Quickly he looked over his shoulder to see if Akanishi was coming back from talking to some of his friends from one of the other classes. As he couldn't see or hear anyone getting closer right now, Kazuya hurried to walk down to the desk where Tomohisa was sitting, however not all the way up - too afraid that someone might actually come and that way find out and... it just wouldn't be good.
"What..." He looked down at Tomohisa, though avoiding to look him in the eyes. "What are you doing...?" he asked with a somewhat shaky voice - honestly scared. Scared that he wouldn't be able to convince Tomohisa to go to his seat, scared that someone from X or Y would come and make a big deal out of it, scared that- ... That it was he who had made Tomohisa decide something like this.
Of all the people..!
Tomohisa couldn't help but smile.
“I'm sitting, what does it look like I'm doing?" he asked as though nothing was wrong, as though he'd sat here forever and nobody was going to come and beat him to within an inch of his life. Because they were. He wondered whether it would be Akanishi or Ryo to get him first... Would they take it in turns or both go at the same time? The idea of those two working together was amusing - even if it were him they were 'working on'. Which it would be. Because he was through with X-group and wouldn't be swayed now.
At least, he didn't want to be swayed now. Whether or not he could manage not to run back to his usual seat before anyone else got there...
"You..." Nervously Kazuya looked over his shoulder again before taking another step forward. "You can't sit there..." What if Jin came now? He'd get so angry, first at Kazuya for talking to Tomohisa and then at Tomohisa because he was crossing the line and then they'd fight and everyone knew Tomohisa didn't stand a chance against Jin. "Please... don't sit there..."
"Why not?" the taller one asked with nothing but curiosity in his voice, despite knowing very well why he wasn't supposed to sit there. "I like sitting here. It's a lot better than my old seat." Of course, he could always go with the other thing he'd thought of and just move to one of the other classes; but really, he didn't see how those in charge would let him, what with them already having given him one transfer thus far. Most kids didn't get any - and it was really hard to get out of E, anyway. Everyone knew E was a class full of fighters and troublemakers that nobody wanted to teach, kids who'd apparently already given up on their own futures.
Except for him, of course. He didn't like to fight, tried to be friendly and knew what he was doing with his life. But how on earth was he going to prove that to anyone? It just wasn't possible.
As much as he was proud of Tomohisa's courage just to sit there, Kazuya couldn't help but act a little paranoid about it. Why did he want to do this? Why did he... Just like that. All of a sudden...
Why did he want to risk getting both Ryo and Jin against him like that? He just didn't get it. Why would he...
Tears started to form in Kazuya's eyes as he slowly walked up to Tomohisa’s desk and crouched a little in front of it, so that he'd be able to look at his face - even if not in the eyes.
"You'll get hurt..." he mumbled. "I don't want you to get hurt... please... please go to your seat..." He looked away, not wanting Tomohisa to see how close to tears he was.
Under cover of the desk, the fingernails of Tomohisa's left hand bit painfully into the skin of his right. He was probably close to drawing blood, actually... Which was sort of stupid since there'd be enough of that once everyone else got there. But it made him feel better for the moment, if only a little.
"I know," he said simply, lowering his voice before he continued. "Being on my own and hurting physically can't possibly be as bad as being with them and hurting in just about every other way." Well, he didn't know for sure, but it didn't seem possible that anything at all could be that bad.
"Physical pain goes away relatively quickly. And anyway, that way I'll have something to think about all day." He smiled as he spoke. That wasn't the smartest thing ever, but then he wasn't the smartest person ever.
This made Kazuya quickly look back at Tomohisa, a few tears running down his cheeks. How could he say something like that? It wasn't like that at all! It wasn't... like that at. All. Physical pain didn't help... it...
Oh how he wished he could just grab a desk and join him, tell him that he wanted this exact thing. Either that or just not care. Because... because it obviously was a hard thing to do as it didn't look like Tomohisa would move or anything like that.
"It won't make anything easier..." he slowly started. "It'll just hurt you... please." Again with the please, begging him to move. "I really don't want this... please..." As he said that word for the 100th time or something, he felt as if all of this strength left him and he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. If Jin would come now, if Jin or Ryo would...
How embarrassing. To cry like this in front of Tomohisa, but still he couldn't turn away or try to cover it up, he just couldn't. Instead he just looked down at the older one (as he'd gotten up to his feet). "... please don't do this." he begged again, not knowing what more he could say.
This was so the wrong thing to be happening right now.
Tomohisa stood up, for no reason other than that it seemed like the right thing to be doing. "No, don't..." he muttered. Moving here and staying here was so hard already, and this just made it so much harder! "Don't cry, please... It's not so bad, I'll be okay..." The worst that could happen was that they'd beat him up enough to cause injury but not enough to get him into hospital. Haha, hospital. Maybe he'd see Shige and get another beating while he was there. ...What an awful thought.
"It's not your fault or anything, I decided to do this on my own and... If they... When they come and I get hurt then it's only me who has to suffer, right?" Hopefully a disturbance of this magnitude would mean that the two halves wouldn't fight today. Maybe instead of fighting each other they'd join together and just beat him up every day? Well at least nobody else would get hurt.
Kazuya looked at him a few moments before casting an eye over his shoulder, only to see someone who he didn't want to see - at all. Kusano Hironori stood in the doorway, looking at them. Of course, that was definitely better than Jin or Ryo but still not good at all...
Looking back at Tomohisa, Kazuya licked his lips nervously. It wasn't as if he had the time to wait and think right? Right, so just do what you -want- for once Kazuya, and you know that- Even before his thoughts got to finish that sentence he had walked around the desk and placed one arm around Tomohisa's neck before claiming his lips.
Kusano stumbled backwards at the sight. Not at all surprised by them kissing, only at the place they decided to do it at. Damn it... Damn it! Why did they have to do that in front of him?!
He quickly looked out in the corridor, seeing no one else than Akanishi Jin coming, heading for the classroom. Oh how lovely life was sometimes. Now he had to save Kazuya's ass just because he wanted to save Tomokun's... ugh, not fair. He would so totally beat up miss princess later though.
"Are you fucking insane?!" Kusano called out, starting his process called 'saving Tomokun' and hurried to walk up to the... new couple of the class. Being way too rough as he pulled Kazuya away from Tomohisa, the smallest one stumbled backwards. Kusano could however care less about that and instead grabbed Tomohisa's arm (who was probably too stunned to do anything on his own right now) and walked over to their desks.
However they didn't quite make it to them as Jin got inside and first thing he saw was Kazuya getting up to his feet, drying his cheeks - and that immediately had him look over at Kusano and Tomohisa.
"What the fuck did you do?" Well, that was a rather stupid question. It was obvious one of them had hurt His Kazuya. And that was enough for Jin, really.
"Who did it?" But he wasn't unfair. He could easily take on both of them if he wanted to but he didn't. Because it wasn't fair... and besides it was morning - he was tired.
Before Tomohisa had a chance to reply Kusano had pushed the taller one towards his seat and then looked at Jin. "Well who do You think?" he replied in a cocky tone, smiling a little. "Little princess was being too loud."
Jin frowned, why the hell would Kazuya have been loud?! He wouldn't. But then again, this brat obviously didn't know that the only one who would ever be able to call Kazuya princess and get away with it was Ryo. Because really, Jin didn't beat up Ryo because of it. If some other fag decided to call him that though...
Without waiting for an answer Kusano made his way up to Jin, having both Tomohisa and Kazuya look at him, both rather shocked. Why on earth was he covering for them?
Jin grabbed Kusano by his collar and looked him in the eyes.
"You were never a good liar, were you?" he asked, without expecting an answer - though it would have to do. He'd tried to lie and obviously failed. Stupid fucking X failure, pissing him off like this.
Ah well, there was nothing to do but to beat him up... after receiving a punch in the stomach. Jin backed up, a liiittle bit surprised by Kusano's obvious urge to fight him. Though he didn't hesitate one second before he, with a tightened fist, aimed for the younger one's face.
Kazuya looked at the two guys fighting by the door, why was Kusano covering for him and Tomohisa? He couldn't understand it at all... why on earth would he ever... Then his eyes fell on Tomohisa. The other X members would never do something like what Kusano just had done, not even to save one of their own members. Well, maybe Ryo for Uchi but no one else... Even though Ryo and Tomohisa were close, Ryo would never do such a thing for him. And Kusano had still to survive a month in this class and he wasn't even that close with any X member it seemed, as he sat here and there all the time. But still he decided to get himself beaten up instead of Tomohisa and Kazuya. It didn't make any sense. Though it was obviously Tomohisa he wanted to protect right? Because if he'd wanted to protect Kazuya he'd just have given Tomohisa a punch in the face. Which he hadn't so instead of letting Jin see what was going on he... saved them both from, what would obviously had been hell. It didn't sound realistic at all, unless...
As Kazuya looked back at the fight, which Jin was obviously winning, he slowly sat down on his chair. Now, that you thought about it, it was really simple - Kusano Hironori had fallen in love with Yamashita Tomohisa.
Of course, Tomohisa himself would never come to such a conclusion - be it true or not, the guy just wasn’t nearly confident enough to assume that anyone liked him at all. Plus being very, very used to having to work for people’s affection. Even their attention was something he fought for because he hated being lonely so damn much and would accept any kind of acknowledgement. A punch in the face is still acknowledgement: they still know you’re there and are doing it to hurt you specifically, right? So for that moment you still matter to them in a way…
The would-be traitor to X-group stood awkwardly next to his desk, his old desk with the rest of X-group, and stared at the goings-on. What on earth was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t just go back and sit at the other desk, that would be like saying Kusano didn’t matter to him at all… While they hadn’t known one another long, Kusano very much did matter to Tomohisa. They’d become friends during that time, hadn’t they? It was nice to have someone he could just be hyper with and not be looked at oddly.
He couldn’t take the blame himself either. Going and saying that he’d been the one to hurt Kazuya (closer to the truth, after all - the smaller one wouldn’t have been crying at all if it weren’t for him) would have the immediate effect of him getting beaten up by the oh-so-predictable Akanishi Jin. Because that was just what Akanishi did, used his strength to resolve anything - even if it just made things worse, which was often the case. And hadn’t Kusano separated them to save them from that? So again, it would be like saying Kusano didn’t matter.
Without thinking any more (or realizing that he’d left his bag next to the desk he’d just been sitting at), Tomohisa crossed the room toward where there was now yet more unnecessary fighting going on. This was exactly the opposite to what he’d aimed for - he wanted people to concentrate on him so that they wouldn’t have to fight each other!
“Kusano!” He made no move to break up the fight because… Well, there was still that much cowardice in him. “Kusano, what are you doing?!” he demanded, looking horribly worried. What could possibly happen here but another Y-group victory? It was already happening, really, if one looked at how the fight was going. It was a small blessing that Ryo hadn’t gotten here yet, but he would soon and then what would happen? Why couldn’t everyone just get along?!
Jin pushed Kusano into the wall - which was enough for him right now to collapse to the floor, and then turned to the other X group member (who by the way was about the same height as himself). Ignoring Kusano for now, knowing he wouldn't be able to get up immediately anyway, Akanishi turned all of his attention toward Yamashita.
"Gettin' his fucking ass kicked - what does it look like?" he answered, cocky as always. "Y'want some too?" Yes, he actually was nice enough to ask this. Because, let's just face it, beating up Tomohisa without a reason would make Ryo pissed (was the guy crushing on him or something?) and a pissed Ryo meant more morning fighting and if it was something Jin didn't want to deal with right now it was fighting. Especially not with Ryo because Ryo was fucking strong. Jin was stronger, of course. But he was still strong and thus not as easy to beat up as the rest of X.
As Tomohisa didn't answer Jin's question, the stronger one grinned. "Thought so." he said with a shrug and walked down to his desk next to (the still shocked) Kazuya.
Kusano slowly got up to his feet once Akanishi had decided to leave him alone. With the back of his hand he dried away the blood from the corner of his mouth before sending glares Tomohisa's way. It didn't matter how much he'd known that Kamenashi and Tomohisa was dating, seeing each other, being stupid fuckbuddies or whatever, before. Seeing it with his own eyes had just hurt too damn much. Still he'd covered up for them because he obviously cared too much for his friend.
"I really don't want to talk to you right now." he said as he slowly started to walk down to his own desk, though as he was almost pass Tomohisa he stopped. "You better get your bag before Akanishi sees it, it's crossing the line." Was all he said, hoping for the taller one to listen before he made his way down to his seat and sat down.
Leaving his bag where it was for the moment, a very confused Tomohisa just followed Kusano.
“What? Why not?” he asked; almost pleaded, in fact. He hadn’t asked to be saved or anything and now Kusano was mad at him… Why? It just didn’t make any sense, his mind couldn’t fit it together in a logical way at all.
“You didn’t have to do that - I never meant for you to…” Well of course he hadn’t meant it, but that was how it’d turned out. He’d just wanted to distance himself from the stupidity of 3-E’s classroom politics, but apparently that was bad for everyone and just…
He couldn’t really do anything right, could he?
At that point, the long-awaited (only not really) X-group leader appeared at the door - not looking happy in the slightest.
“Yamashita!” he yelled in the direction of his (supposedly) good friend as he completely ignored everyone else and made his way across the classroom to where the bumbling idiot stood. “Why the hell didn’t you call if you weren’t gonna be there?” the older of the two demanded.
“I… I didn’t…“ stammered Tomohisa, trying desperately to deal with so damn much apparently all deciding to happen at once.
“Yeah, exactly, you didn’t.” Ryo gave the other one a look of pure disgust - highly unwarranted, really. At this point he happened to take a look around the rest of the classroom, generally checking the state of things. Everything seemed to be pretty much normal, but…
“…The fuck?” he frowned, noticing the desk in the back and how it sat dead on the line. No one did that, ever, because it just wasn’t allowed. “What the hell’s this thing doing-“ he cut himself off as he noticed something next to it, immediately went over and picked up said ‘thing’ only to realize that it was Tomohisa’s bag.
“It’s not what it looks like!” exclaimed the tall one himself - probably not the right thing to be saying. Guilty conscience and all. Because of course it was exactly what it looked like and saying that just made it more obvious.
“What is it, then?” Ryo asked, his voice suddenly way too calm to be good for anyone. And now Tomohisa was stuck with thinking of something to say. Lying, especially on the spot, wasn’t one of his strong points.
“I, um… I just, I mean, um…”
“You don’t need us anymore? Now that you’re not the new kid anymore that’s it, it’s all okay and you can just do whatever the hell you want?”
“No! It’s just that-” Tomohisa didn’t get a chance to finish as Ryo, having dropped the other one’s schoolbag back on the floor, gave him a particularly hard shove on his way past - didn’t even look at his ‘friend’ as he continued talking.
“Well, bye then.”
Everyone in the room immediately looked up at Tomohisa and then at Ryo. Everyone, of course surprised - but the most shocked was probably Jin as he stood up and looked over at the other leader of the class.
"Say that again?" he demanded before giving Tomohisa a disgusted look. "That fucker ain't coming over to us." he said, making his point very clear. There was no way they could have a person who didn't belong to any group in the class. It just didn't make sense and he, Akanishi Jin - the one responsible for this class, wouldn't have it that way. So either Yamashita belonged to X or he just wasn't a part of 3-E anymore.
Kusano blinked and looked around before going up to Tomohisa again, before he turned to Ryo. "Nishikido-kun," he started - again trying to save Tomokun's ass. This sure was saving day or something.
"We had a fight with princess-" That could very well have him receive a punch from Jin... or maybe even Ryo. "- that's why his bag was down there." Now would that work?
Kazuya looked up at Tomohisa, almost being a bit afraid that somehow Kusano would return to his senses and tell about what really happened and then...
He looked down, not wanting to think about it.
Surprisingly enough, Ryo laughed as he sat down and immediately leaned right back in his chair.
"Ne, Kusano-kun, how long have you known him?" the X-group leader inclined his head towards where Yamashita was still standing, almost as though it wasn't obvious who he was talking about anyway. "Not long, right? You weren't here for first year, or second. Y'know, once he got here he didn't talk at all for a while. Surprising, huh?" There was silence as everyone apparently waited for him to make his point.
"What I mean is that I know him, that ungrateful fuck who thinks he can just abandon people whenever he wants." Not that he'd ever done it before, to Ryo's knowledge, but that wasn't the point. "And I know how bad a liar he is."
"Ryo, please-" for the second time, Tomohisa didn't get a chance to finish his sentence. However, this time it was because Ryo decided he'd rather talk than listen.
"Okay then Tomokun, tell me. Is that right? Were you fighting with the little princess?"
One second, two seconds, three seconds of expectant silence. Tomohisa felt as though the entire world were staring at him, waiting for him to say something.
"…Y- Yes…" he tried, knowing before it'd come out of his mouth that it wouldn't work. Of all things, his honesty would condemn him? It certainly seemed that way.
Ryo laughed again, as though that were terribly funny. "You see?" he'd turned back to Kusano by this time. "We don't need anything that fucking stupid. And since They don't want it either…" The X-group leader grinned quite sadistically up at Tomohisa.
"…Looks like you might have to piss off for good, huh?"
Stunned and horrified at the behavior of the guy who'd up until a few minutes ago been a good friend of his, Tomohisa quietly turned and walked to the back of the classroom. He sat down at the desk he'd moved earlier and stared blankly down at his hands. Of course, he'd known it wouldn't be easy…
And he'd probably get moved from there again in a minute and then the physical pain he'd talked about would start for real.
It couldn't be all that bad… At least he was alive, and he didn't think they'd do enough damage to kill him.
"Ryo..." Kusano looked at the leader of the X-group and then down at where Tomohisa was sitting. Now he was supposed to choose too? Come on, this wasn't how things were supposed to be! They were a group, right? Even though he might be knew he'd at least learned that much. They were a group and they were friends. Sure, Ryo might be pissed and not wanting to talk to Tomohisa, but he didn't have to! He didn't have to talk to him... he-
"Nishikido-kun." Kazuya rose from his seat and looked over at the (obviously) annoyed X-leader. Now why did he do this? He knew, he fucking knew, this would definitely cost him. Akanishi would totally beat him up once they were in private, because of this - but you know what? It didn't matter. What mattered was that Tomohisa, who had never done anything to hurt anyone, shouldn't be treated this way. He who wanted everyone to get along and thought good about everyone, even Jin. Though, this was something Kazuya wouldn't ever be able to say so instead he decided to go with things that made sense to both Ryo and Jin, them obviously being the most powerful ones.
"About the fight if you need to know, it was Kusano who couldn't allow me coughing." Lying? He was an expert when he needed to be. God knew how many times he'd lied to Jin - just to remain perfect. But he honestly didn't feel bad about it, not as long as it was for a good cause... and this most certainly was.
"But aside from that-" he looked over at Tomohisa with cold eyes. It hurt, it hurt a lot to put up with this facade that said he hated everyone in the room except for Jin, but he had to do it - for Tomohisa, right? "He still is with X, no matter what you say."
At that Ryo, of course quirked a brow and was just about to say something as 'the Princess' continued.
"Because he won't be allowed to change classes and having someone sit there," he gave a short nod Tomohisa's way. "It's simply not happening. I don't give a damn shit about your personal relations but once a X you're always a X and thus he's not allowed to cross that line."
Any minute now, Kazuya's mind told him. He'd collapse any minute from overworking himself this way. It hurt so much, to be this cold, to talk that way about Tomohisa, about the group in general - but hopefully he made a good point. Hopefully.
Jin, who had decided he was going to have a very serious talk with Kazuya later that night, cleared his throat and leaned back at his chair - looking at Ryo.
"He does have a point." he admitted though and looked down at Tomohisa, that guy sure knew how to make a scene. "Having someone like that being there just won't happen. He's still in X."
"No he's not." Ryo said simply, raising an eyebrow. Oh, he knew the others would hate him for this. He knew very well that he was being unnecessarily nasty to Tomohisa, who'd always tried to be nice to everyone. That was the idiot's problem - it just wasn't possible to be nice to everyone all at the same time. The rest of X knew he could kick their asses anyway, so they could all just shut the fuck up for now. They'd forget at some point, and until then he wasn't bothered about what they thought.
He wasn't going to let himself consider what Hiroki would think.
"I don't care what happens to him, but he's not staying with us." This was said both decisively and dismissively, as Ryo picked up his bag and began to look inside it for something. Evidently he considered the conversation finished.
Tomohisa had an odd sense of not being there - everyone seemed to be deciding his future for him, he didn't even have a hint of any sort of choice. The one he'd considered his best friend had apparently turned on him completely, and… That look.
That awful, awful look he'd gotten from Kazuya that probably didn't mean anything at all but it just added to all the hideous wrongness of the day thus far. And it was still morning, everybody hadn't even arrived yet.
He wasn't sure whether anyone was looking or if anyone could even see, but he just didn't care anymore. This class evidently meant a lot more to him than he'd thought… It was for that reason that this time he didn't bother hiding or running away, just tipped his head forward and allowed the tears to fall.
He'd never be a part of anything here again, not after doing this, and he knew so. Ryo wouldn't trust him anymore, at least, and Ryo was who mattered when it came to X-group.
Y-group didn't want him and to be honest he didn't want them either (well, all but one of them) so…
He wondered vaguely whether he'd be able to convince his mother to homeschool him instead. Rina would complain, but she had absolutely no idea.
Kusano kept looking at Tomohisa for as long as he could - which was until he saw the older one cry. At that he just looked away, quickly exchanging looks with Kazuya and in that short moment making sure the other one would know exactly how much he blamed him for this.
Sure, it was true that Hironori had just been there for a few days and he didn't know Tomohisa all that well, but to him things didn't have to take much time. He made friends easily and he started to like people very quickly. He liked Koyama, Shige and Ryo - even though they were his new found friends he really liked them. But Tomokun? Ever since that day they'd spent the day together after school he knew for sure he liked him a bit more than anyone else. And that was exactly why he just couldn't let go of this. Telling himself that Tomohisa probably wanted to be alone, he walked up to the desk next to Ryo's and sat down. Talking about this when Y-members were present wasn't something he liked but it wasn't as if this was a matter that could wait until later.
"Ryo..." he said in a low voice, even though he didn't have to be silent - seeing how they were three X-members in the room. But anyway, this gave him Ryo's attention (somewhat), and that was the important thing right now. "Please..." he continued, still talking in a small voice. "Please don't kick him out..."
"I didn't kick anyone out." Ryo replied absently, having once more found and opened his favorite magazine. "He left. I'm… How d'ya say it… I'm 'respecting his decision'. What kind of a guy would I be to let him go back on it?"
Obviously a much nicer one than he currently was. But niceness didn't fit in 3-E and that complete moron Yamashita had basically just proven that. Nice guys finish last, right? And Ryo was not going to finish last. Screw that. He was a fighter - a winner, despite being unable to beat ONE person out of however many he'd beat up in the past. He'd get stronger, he'd beat Akanishi-dumbfuck and then X would be in charge.
They didn't need stupid babbling crybaby morons like Yamashita to do that, and Ryo was all for dropping the dead weight.
"For fucks sake Ryo!" Kusano suddenly said out loud after a few short moments of silence. It was pretty obvious, that he wasn't going to take this. X wasn't X without their constant losing against Y, without all their members. Without Koyama's annoying blushing, Shige's bragging or Ryo's stuck up-ness? There wasn't no X! And Tomokun was a big part of it too! X wouldn't be if he wasn't there with his kindness, because you know - no one in X and I mean NO ONE was that nice. And every group needed someone like that and...
Kusano rose and kicked the chair he had been sitting at before going down to the desk where Tomohisa sat, grabbing a chair from the X-side of the classroom and sat down next to him. Being very careful that he still was on X's side though.
Tomohisa blinked and looked up, wetness clinging to his eyelashes and making his cheeks shine. Indeed, his vision was still blurred by the tears enough that he couldn't really see Kusano well at all.
"You don't have to do that…" he muttered, voice cracking a little as he did. He tried to smile, knew that since he couldn't stop crying he just looked pathetic - but he had to try, because it was in his nature. "I knew… I knew this would happen…" He just hadn't known it would be so bad, or so upsetting.
Kazuya looked over at Kusano and Tomohisa, he actually wanted to join them. He wanted to go down there, sit next to him on Y's side and say that he agreed. Say that he didn't want this stupid fighting to go on anymore... but he couldn't. He wasn't brave enough to do that. He wasn't strong enough to stand up for himself like that.
"Drama Queen." Jin sighed as he looked over at Tomohisa. "Move to your side already."
Now was a great time to grow a spine. Tomohisa knew he'd have to at some point if he was going to survive… It was better to get it over with now. He wiped his eyes so that he could see properly before doing anything.
"No." he said simply, turning to look Akanishi in the eye. He'd never been the openly defiant type before - but if he continued to let them rule him he'd be a servant forever.
. . . Jin blinked, a little surprised by Tomohisa, Yamashita fucking Tomohisa of all people, talking back at him. However it made an ironic smile grow on his lips. "Come again?"
"The..." Tomohisa cursed inwardly at losing confidence after that first word. Try again. "...The whole world doesn't revolve around you." There. Simply the truth and nothing else, it couldn't even be classed as an insult. Oh, he knew that saying so would be bad for his health in the very near future - it wasn't even like him. But now he'd have to defend himself, now he couldn't hide behind Ryo anymore, and no matter how nice he was he wasn't about to let everyone just walk all over him.
Or so he thought now, anyway. Now that he had sudden confidence... He knew deep down that he'd lose that at some point. It just didn't look good for him at all, really.
Kazuya immediately looked over at Tomohisa, why had he-
"You son of a-!" Jin got up from his chair, losing his patience way too quickly for his own good, but didn't get far before Kazuya grabbed his arm.
"Don't." he said, ordered, more than asked - thus surprising the ones present in the room. "Don't listen to him."
Jin pulled back his arm and glared at Kazuya, his behavior really started going on his nerves. What the hell was wrong with him these days? "Exactly what are you trying to do?"
The smaller one looked Jin in the eyes, not knowing what to answer. Tomohisa's sudden ability to talk to back to the strongest of the class had obviously inspired him as well, but... now what? What was he supposed to do now?!
Tomohisa blinked, his eyes widening. Now this? This was very weird. Weirder than him denouncing X, weirder than Ryo turning on the one he'd spent so much time and energy protecting… But he couldn't help, could he? He couldn't do anything without giving something away, and that was most certainly not a good thing. Not now, not while just about everything else was happening.
"You give your bitch too much freedom, Akanishi." Ryo commented, sounding thoroughly amused. Well, he had to find something to do, right? Something that wasn't feeling like the lowest of the low, imagining what Hiroki would say when he found out…
Why the hell was everyone pissing him off at the same time?! That stupid fucker Tomohisa, that even more stupid fucker Ryo and even his own fucking boyfriend?! Jin glared at Ryo but decided to ignore it and instead turn to Kazuya again. He knew that arguing with him in front of Ryo wasn't a good idea but right now he didn't have the patience to wait because lately Kazuya'd just been way too... too... not-himself!
"What the hell's wrong with you?!" he asked in a loud voice, knowing that he was causing a scene, but then again - he was Akanishi. It was okay for him to cause a scene. Sure, he was arguing with Kazuya which wasn't good but as previously stated, he didn't have the patience to think right now, this was just bothering him too much.
Kazuya backed up a little, honestly scared by Jin's sudden outburst.
"N-nothing..." he replied and shook his head. There was nothing wrong with him! Well, except for the fact that he was betraying just about everyone one way or another. Yes, even Tomohisa. He should sit next to him, but he didn't.
"Nothing my ass, Kazu." Jin replied, talking as calm as possible - though it didn't last for long. "What's the fucking matter with you?!"
Kazuya backed even a few more steps, well he tried too but couldn't as a desk was behind him. "J-Jin... there's nothing-"
He didn't get a chance to finish that sentence though, as Jin (just as always) decided that violence was the only way to solve things and thus punched him in the face. Seeing how Akanishi was both bigger and stronger than Kazuya, the smaller one didn't have a chance to stand up against him (especially not when he wasn't ready for it) and thus fell down to the floor. Way, way too shocked to get up to his feet again.
Tomohisa then completely ignored both his own common sense and Ryo's uproarious laughter, was on his feet faster than one would've thought possible and before he knew what he was doing he'd used the element of surprise (basically all he had) to shove the Y-group leader hard enough to knock him over. Normally he wouldn't have possessed the strength to do that, but righteous anger can really give you a boost, you know?
Causing pain, however, wasn't his aim. "You!" he stared down at the still-stunned Akanishi. "How can you even count yourself as a person when you'd do things like that? The two of you have always been closer even than Ryo and Uchi - doesn't that affect you at all?!" he demanded, seemingly determined to finish his monologue as fast as possible.
He was pretty damn certain he'd hurt for this soon - but Kazuya was more important.
"What could he possibly have done to deserve that, especially from you? That's like… Like… I don't even know!"
And with that he seemed to be completely finished, just stood there panting with the effort all that had taken.
Kazuya looked up at Tomohisa, just as shocked and surprised as Jin, by all this. Not that it had been completely unexpected - because it hadn't. But still... Why? Why would he ever even... why would he... Why?! It was a stupid thing to do! No one was ever about to figure out their truth and their reality where everything was great and perfect! Because no one would understand. Which was why everything just had to be normal in the eyes of others! But... "Baka..." Kazuya mumbled, knowing it didn't reach anyone's ears but his own. Of course he was touched, of course. He loved Tomohisa more for each passing second but... but... but still. This would hurt him!
Jin got up to his feet somewhat fast once he'd (sort of) gotten over the shock. But instead of getting back at Tomohisa, he gave out a short laughter.
"So THAT's why?!" he asked, not really expecting an answer. "You-" He laughed again and shook his head. Now this made sense. This made perfect sense!
"You like Kazuya, don't you?" Right after he finished that sentence he burst out laughing again. It was so obvious! And of course Kazuya for some reason knew and then, being the kindhearted bitch he is he's flattered and doesn't want Tomohisa hurt...
Oh how hilarious life was sometimes.
Unsure what to say in reply to that, Tomohisa just stared. Well, of course he did, but now both Akanishi and Ryo were laughing and… He wanted to scream and run away. Today was like a particularly bad dream he just couldn't wake up from. Still silent, he gave a weak sort of nod by means of reply - wanting very much just to ignore the stupid leader of the stupid stronger group and ask if Kazuya was okay. Because really, hitting someone like that, especially someone so close to you? Not. Cool.
…Not that he was ever the sort of person to protect anyone. Usually he was the one being protected, actually, due to his lack of physical strength and intense dislike of fighting. In his opinion fighting was completely unnecessary - but in the face of recent events he thought he could make an exception for THIS particular asshole. Even if he was bound to lose horrifically.
As Jin realized he'd just got an 'yes' for reply he fell silent. Now that was just too fucking weird. One of the X-group wanted to fuck HIS boyfriend?!
"Well, sorry man." Akanishi replied as he had seemed to calm down a bit. "I'm not givin' him to you~"
Kusano quirked a brow at the way Jin expressed himself. Kazuya didn't look surprised or hurt at all, but Kusano? Very surprised indeed. The strongest one was talking about Kamenashi as if he was some sort of thing he could give away or let anyone borrow as he liked. Now, Kusano didn't like Kamenashi much but for God's sake - he was a still a person.
Tomohisa's eyes narrowed - any other person would've looked dangerous, but it didn't work for him. He did manage to look annoyed, though.
"You don't own him." he muttered; quietly, yet loud enough to be heard. "He owns himself and he can do what he wants. If..." he paused for a moment to gather his courage once more. He'd said more to Akanishi today than he probably had in the preceding year, and while he meant every word it was still frightening. "...If he wants to stay with you then so be it, but... You shouldn't get to decide. You don't deserve to."
"Well then!" Jin, too annoyed about this to fight went over to his boyfriend and pulled him up to his feet. "Kazuya, dear." He tried hard not to laugh about this. "Who would you rather be with? Me, or him?"
Kazuya's eyes widened at that and he looked at Jin.
"Wh-what?" What?! How was he... ever going to be able to choose between them? He really couldn't. Despite Jin's behavior and how he treated him he loved him very much. He was so grateful to him... but in a totally different way than what it was like with Tomohisa...
"If you want to be with that guy." Jin smiled as he said this. "I won't get mad, I promise."
Right. Kazuya mentally replied, Jin wouldn't be mad - he'd be furious. He'd be... he'd... Saying 'Tomohisa' simply wasn't an option. Still Kazuya looked at the taller one a bit away from him. He had been so... amazing. He'd been so cool, standing up for himself so much, talking back to Jin... and now here Kazuya had the best opportunity ever to do the same. But he wouldn't dare to, he didn't dare to - ever do such an amazing thing. He wasn't strong like that!! ... But if he didn't he'd let Tomohisa down... so much.
Oh dear.
Immediately Tomohisa's eyes widened once more as he realized what was going on. Really he should've seen that coming, but somehow he hadn't and now... This was all his fault. If he'd just shut up earlier...
Maybe it would still be okay - perhaps not for himself, but for Kazuya and that was what mattered. Tomohisa didn't have time to congratulate himself on his unfailing selflessness, instead sought eye contact with the smaller one. Once that was achieved he wasted no time in inclining his head slightly towards Akanishi in what he hoped was an obvious enough signal to say 'Jin' and be done with it.
Tomohisa thought he'd be fine - he hadn't expected to be chosen over someone so obviously better than him, so it wouldn't have come as a surprise anyway.
It felt like an eternity before Kazuya broke the eye contact and bowed a little to him.
"I'm sorry, Yamashita-kun." he said, his voice being filled with absolutely nothing. "But I'm with Jin, you know. And you're from X."
Jin grinned at that, how he loved it when Kazuya could act like this, making fun of it. Now that was His Princess.
Kazuya however wasn't as happy about it. He looked at Tomohisa for a few seconds. His face was expressionless, his eyes were blank, and his eyes when he said 'but thank you' were emotionless as well.
He knew Tomohisa would hurt because of this, he knew he was only hurting him! All he ever did was... hurting him. Why did Tomohisa want to be with him to begin with? He only ended up hurt... which made Kazuya hurt and no one got really happy anyway.
Those endless dreams didn't sound so bad now, did they?
"Oh, I know." Tomohisa smiled automatically. He'd never been a good liar, but he'd always been at least able to fake that. "That's what I thought, really. I just wanted to... To hear you say it and, um..." He hated himself for trailing off into nothing, but when one's heart feels as though it's imploding upon itself, it's rather difficult to continue cheerful speech. It didn't matter what he did, did it? Things would always be like this. He'd never be able to change anything about his miserable school life.
"...G- Good luck to you both and I hope you, um... I hope you're..." God but it was so hard to say. "...I hope you're together for a long time..."
And with that he turned, disappeared back to take his seat. His new seat in the back, either side of the line, since obviously Ryo didn't want him around anymore. He would not cry, not again - he wouldn't give Akanishi the satisfaction of seeing it. But god he wanted to, and it was so obvious.
Having used the excuse that he didn't feel well due to the fighting with Kusano earlier, Kazuya had said he wouldn't make the Y-group company (because he had to see the nurse) as they went out for lunch outside of school today. Instead he turned to the left when they headed out and so he walked up to the roof - being careful with that no one followed him around. Maybe he started to get paranoid?
Although, as soon as he got outside that (very heavy) door he stumbled over his own feet as he walked up to the edge. Not being the least scared of heights, he put his hands on the fence and looked down. A little bit, not far away, were a place where there was no fence (where Uchi had been laying that time Ryo'd gotten up there) and it'd be so very easy just to jump down from there.
Tears had started to run down his cheeks as he absentmindedly, slowly started to move toward that very part of the roof. He'd always been strict with himself, having himself NOT to go there, but now it didn't really matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. While everyone else might just see this tiny difference of Tomohisa changing seat in the classroom - to Kazuya it was so much more. Nothing was like it used to anymore, Everything mattered but nothing worked out.
He was indeed the worst person on this planet, hurting the one he cares for the most over, and over... and over again. Indeed it would be better to just dream for forever.
Tomohisa had been wandering around aimlessly, looking for somewhere to spend lunchtime now that he didn't have the classroom anymore. After all, X-group were in there, and he wasn't a part of that anymore... None of the other classes wanted anything to do with him, especially not C (who, rather annoyingly, remembered him all too well), so he had no choice but to take the one place nobody else used: the roof.
He sighed wearily as though the weight of the world rested upon his shoulders as he climbed the stairs. Classes today had been hell already, what with everyone glaring at him and teachers asking why he'd moved and Ryo coming out with stupid comments like 'he gives bad head, right princess?' which were just way too... Ryo. There was no other way of describing them. The former member of X-group took a quick look around once he reached the roof. Nobody had followed him, but someone was already there. Just his luck, really. Though that person did look familiar - that hairstyle. Definitely Kazuya.
Curious but not nosy, Tomohisa hurried so as to be a few steps behind the smaller one. He tried not to make too much noise and give himself away - really, he just wanted to see what Kazuya was going to do. He looked as though he were heading for the bit of the roof with no fence to it... He wouldn't jump, would he..? Just to be sure, Tomohisa got a little closer. Not close enough to intrude, but not too far away to grab the smaller one quickly if it looked like that was going to happen.
Earlier... That had hurt. It really had. Tomohisa had spend the entire morning so far thinking about it, about how much he hated it and how much he wished he had some way of taking his mind off the all-consuming anger he felt upon laying eyes on Akanishi Jin at any point. He'd never hated anyone before except his father, but now... Now there was someone he wouldn't mind seriously hurting and that scared him quite a bit.
As Kazuya was way too caught up in his own thoughts, he didn't notice how the door opened and closed. And he didn't feel as if someone was following him, looking at him either, which was actually rather weird, or just proof of that he was depressed enough? Seeing how he usually, well not always but it happened, was rather paranoid. Though, now he was way too busy being selfish. Considering how many seconds it'd take for him to reach the ground... probably not even more than three, right? It couldn't possibly take more than three seconds down to the ground from this roof?
Kazuya walked up to the edge of the roof once he reached that spot he was going for, and looked down. Below there was grass and flowers and then the asphalt. This made him a bit disappointed but then again he doubted someone would really survive if jumping from this height, right?
Would it hurt? Would he feel anything at all? Kazuya blinked a few times before closing his eyes and letting the wind have him sway back and forth for a few times. That didn't hurt at all, so this probably wouldn't either. And once he hit the ground... he would lose consciousness right afterwards so it... it was okay. Maybe that wasn't even the right thing to say, if everything would go as planned the sentence should be like this;
And once he hit the ground... he'd die as soon as he did so it was okay.
Kazuya slowly closed his eyes before opening them again, just to let a few tears run down his cheeks again. Now that he was here it was actually a bit scary. But it was for the greater good right? Because once it was done, he'd have nice dreams... dreams that would last for forever... ah. How selfish, really. To do this because He wanted to have nice dreams. But then again, he'd never denied that he was selfish right? Because he was. And that was just another reason for him to move take that final step out now. That's all that was needed - one more step.
Tomohisa fiddled absently with his hair as he continued forward until he was so close he could see over the shorter one's shoulder, thought it was pretty obvious he was there by now. So it did look like that was the plan... If he was honest, he wouldn't mind going too. He wouldn't stick around without Kazuya, anyway - what else did he have? He didn't have Ryo, he didn't have X... His mother would get over it, she'd still have Rina if he weren't around anymore... Really, it didn't seem like such a bad idea.
"Room for one more?" he asked softly, still refraining from touching the Y-member in any way because... He didn't think it was a good idea right at that moment.
Hearing Tomohisa's voice so close all of a sudden caught Kazuya completely by surprise and he stumbled a few steps to the side, for a short second almost losing is balance - which could have ended in falling.
Anyway, that wasn't important. Important was that Tomohisa was there and he was... asking the most stupid question ever.
Once Kazuya was sure of that it actually was Tomohisa standing next to him and not some guy that looked like him, had the same facial expressions like him and sounded like him - he hurried to take those few steps forward that was necessary before wrapping his arms around the taller one. Resting his head against Tomohisa's shoulder, he silently sobbed.
"Baka..."
The older of the two wasted no time in wrapping his own arms around Kazuya.
"I'm so sorry..." Tomohisa muttered. Well, it'd been his fault, hadn't it? He'd basically screwed everything up for everyone, including himself. Even the whole scene earlier with Akanishi had been his fault - but then how on earth was he supposed to just sit by and watch that bastard hit Kazuya for no real reason? Even if there had been a reason, it still wasn't something he'd just allow a person to do.
"If I'd just shut up and took it like normal then none of this would've happened..."
Kazuya couldn't disagree with that, because really... it was true. If Tomohisa hadn't done anything it wouldn't have happened. But then, on the other hand Kazuya was so impressed by what he actually had done.
"Kakkoii yo..." He mumbled and hugged the taller one a big tighter. "Standing up for yourself like that..." Still he wanted him to make up with Ryo again somehow and thus the class would eventually return to what it had been yesterday. And something, he didn't know what, but something told him that it wasn't impossible. All that was needed was for Tomohisa to catch Ryo when he was in good mood. "Kakkoii jan..."
“Yeah, I must’ve looked so cool crying like a little kid, huh?” Tomohisa gave a derisive sort of half-chuckle at himself. “And telling him I like you… God I’m so stupid, but I couldn’t just…” He paused to regain some semblance of self-control.
“…You shouldn’t let him do things like that to you.” As if it was so easy to stop someone so strong from just doing whatever the hell they wanted. For once, Tomohisa thought he actually understood Ryo’s undying hatred of the Y-group leader.
"I'm sorry..." Kazuya apologized as he'd let some moments of silence pass. "I should have been as honest as you...." He knew Tomohisa was going to disagree with that, and thus looked up at him.
"I'm just hurting you..." Because he obviously was. He was hurting the one he cared for and loved the most and that, in return made him feel so damn bad and guilty that it just... shouldn't be allowed to be... He shouldn't be allowed to be. "I..."
"No, no, no." Tomohisa shook his head insistently. "I'm glad you said what you did. It's my fault you were in that position to begin with... And this way you don't get hurt anymore." It's all very well putting loved ones first, but one has to think of themselves sometimes and Tomohisa was already forgetting to do that.
"...I don't matter so much."
"You do!" The shorter one immediately objected, feeling the tears grow in his eyes yet another time. But that was exactly what it was all about! Tomohisa mattered- he was ALL that mattered after all.
"You do... it's..." he hugged Tomohisa tighter and rested his head against the other's shoulder again. "You're all that matters."
"How can you still care about me at all after what I did..?" It didn't make sense. Hadn't Tomohisa just almost ruined everything for both of them? "I wanted things to be better for myself so badly that I hurt you and I hurt Kusano and neither of you deserve to be treated that way..." The tears threatened to come again, but he wouldn't let them. Crying again would make him feel better, and he didn't deserve to feel any better than he was. In fact, this was probably way too good for him. "I can't believe I was so selfish..."
"You..." Kazuya smiled a little. "You wanted things to be better for us, ne..." he said in a small voice. "You believed it would work ne... it could have worked... if it were just you and me." Slowly he raised his head and looked up at Tomohisa, seriousness playing all over his face.
"I just want to be with you." he said, explained and locked eyes with the taller one. No words were needed right now, they knew each other well enough to know what the other one was thinking just by doing this.
Tomohisa said nothing, hoped his eyes managed to convey just how much he agreed - but didn't think anything was capable of showing that. With things as they were, how could the two of them possibly remain together? So far it seemed as though all recent events had done was bring them closer together, but... How long could that continue?
The taller one broke their eye contact for a brief moment to glance at the ground - the real ground, that is, as he could see it clearly from where they stood. It seemed such a long way away... He couldn't help but wonder, if they jumped together would they stay that way even after hitting the ground? In the afterlife or whatever happened after death, could they be together then?
It frightened Tomohisa that that seemed so much more probable than things ever changing. As he looked Kazuya in the eyes again, the bigger question that no one of them dared to ask but were both thinking, was more or less answered.
Kazuya nodded at Tomohisa with a small smile resting on his lips. It would have to be this way, right? It was the best thing to do after all... No matter how hard it was to do it, it was the best thing to do. It'd make everyone happy in the end and maybe they'd even get everlasting dreams.
Author: Ohimechan & Aiko
Pairing: Jin/Kazuya, Tomohisa/Kazuya, Ryo/Uchi, Shige/Koyama
Characters: X Group: Nishikido Ryo, Yamashita Tomohisa, Koyama Keiichiro, Kato Shigeaki. Y Group: Akanishi Jin, Kamenashi Kazuya, Tanaka Koki, Nakamaru Yuichi. Still in no group: Kusano Hironori.
Disclaimer: General Disclaimer and stuff.
Genre: School fic, angst, love, hate - all that stuff.
Rating: PG13 (I think? I don't know!)
Word Count: 11 366
Notes: This is the last chapter of Yabeki Part 1.
Yabeki - Chapter 13
'Tomohisa,
How are you? I'm awake and it's soon past three in the morning. For once I'm spending the night in my room. I've looked over at your window more times than I can count just within the last hour, hoping to see you. But then I remembered the time and I guess you're sleeping. You should be sleeping anyway. I wish I could be there with you, wish I could be next to you - watch your sleeping face and keep myself from waking you up.
That other guy's here. He's sleeping and I know that once morning comes I'll have to be in his arms again.
How I wish, that I, for once, would be able to spend a whole day with you, without having to be afraid that someone would see and so make living so much harder than it already is.
You know, even though my heart's with you, I can't dislike Him. Not even a little. He was, after all, the first one who ever saw me. He kept me from doing awful things to myself and thus brought me back to life. In one way I'll forever be grateful to him. Once I thought he'd always be the reason for why I'm still breathing and have yet to fail another suicide attempt. Even though I know, I know he doesn't love me. I know he'll get married to some beautiful woman soon enough. I've always known that being together with him wouldn't last long. But I was okay with that. I was okay with knowing he didn't (doesn't) love me.
Because he saw me, you know?
But then you kissed me, and it was so different. It wasn't like when I was with him. It wasn't like anything I've experienced before. Even though it was just a kiss in a very awkward moment it charmed me and I couldn't stop thinking about you once it was over.
That's what love's like for real, isn't it?
That night when you told me you like me, my mind went blank. I didn't know what to say or do or believe. I still have a hard time understanding it, that -you- like me. Why?
What could I possibly have done to deserve someone as beautiful as you?
"Kyou mo suki desu" you said the next day and smiled.
The way you make me feel when you say those gentle words - smile at me with those lips-
That feeling is surely the best feeling in this world. I'm not sure, but I think it's called something along the lines like 'happiness'.
I love being with you. Even if it's just for a little while, laying next to you. Those minutes are what I treasure the most. When you smile at me and I look you in the eyes I feel hope. You give me hope, make me think, realize that maybe - just maybe things will be good? If I wait just a little bit longer, then maybe life will take a turn and have me enjoying it?
I'm forever grateful to you. That you spend time with me, that you tell me your true feelings and make me believe in your words. I still don't quite get it though. It's unbelievable, that someone as beautiful like you would like someone like me. What is there to like?
All of this, all of us, is like a dream. To meet your eyes, see you smile and feel your lips is definitely something I'd do anything to keep for forever.
It's a dream, isn't it?
It sure would explain all of this - why I'd be feeling so good even though I probably should cry about my so called beloved's behavior? Even though he curses at me and over and over, makes me the object of irritation, I feel good inside. Because I know your words are true, that you like me. Because I know that if I keep up with this I'll have a moment with you again. I don't know why, but I know it'll happen.
... I'm dreaming aren’t I? But it's definitely a good dream, it’s the best.
Say, Tomohisa, do you believe we dream when we're dead? You think that we'd still be aware of our dreaming if we'd die?
I think so. I know that the consciousness wouldn't be the same as it is for a living person. But I still believe our thoughts just wouldn't die, not like that.
Our thoughts and our personality, our soul, it would somehow live on, right?
Because, you know, I really like this dream. I like having it and I'm scared every minute I'm not with you, that I'll wake up.
Having an endless dream where I'd forever be with you would be the best.
Thank you for showing me real happiness.
I love you.
Kazuya.'
It didn’t take long, since he was a fast reader anyway. Two minutes at most. But he read it over and over and over and he’d lost count of how many times he’d read it, could probably have said the entire thing word for word out loud if asked to. So it wasn’t… That. It wasn’t even close to that. The relief was immense - and there were a multitude of other feelings he couldn’t have named if he tried.
For a long moment he sat still and stared into space, holding the delicate paper to his chest with a force that almost hurt. And then it all caught up with him, all those emotions coming in a giant wave that caused him to choke on his tears as they fought to get past the lump in his throat. But they did manage, and within seconds the wetness was running down his face, dripping rather unbecomingly off his chin.
How could anyone possibly say such things about him? And actually mean them?
It was at that moment that he realized just how much the ridiculous, childish divide between the two halves of his class had basically ruined his life. Always having to be careful that he didn’t speak to the wrong person, forever fighting with people he didn’t even know, it was just all so horribly unnecessary!
Well, he wasn’t going to do it anymore. Screw Ryo, if he was so annoyed about it then he’d just have to go cry or something - which wasn’t like Ryo at all. Tomohisa knew very well that if (when!) he went into school today and decided not to be a part of X-group anymore he’d take a beating from… Anyone who wanted a go, really. Anybody not part of a group was fair game for anyone else, after all.
He didn’t care. He’d take it and not fight back because it just wasn’t worth the trouble.
When Ryo came to get him some five minutes later, he was told in no uncertain terms that Tomohisa had already left. Mrs. Yamashita seemed quite confused, didn’t know why her son hadn’t waited for his friend - they always walked to school together, didn’t they? Ryo didn’t know any more than she did, and was way too pissed off to stay and talk to her. He’d be late, after all, and that just wasn’t acceptable. Neither was fucking off without a word, but hey, he’d already decided that the idiot would pay for that later. Nobody, NOBODY left Nishikido Ryo hanging - or embarrassed him in such a way.
Tomohisa was the first one of his class to arrive that morning. Perfect, that was exactly what he’d wanted. He regretted that he wouldn’t be able to say sorry to Ryo for not waiting before the time came that Ryo would undoubtedly sever any connection they’d had - because Ryo was just like that. X-group was his entire life and that was obvious, despite insulting them all pretty frequently. They’d gotten used to that, anyway.
As he took a desk in the back row (careful not to take either Kei’s or Shigeaki’s) and pulled it over so that it straddled The Line, Tomohisa realized what he was about to do. He’d lose all his friends, he’d be alone at school right up until they graduated… But if his friends were really his friends, they’d still like him for who he was. Wouldn’t they? Was it possible that any of them could see past the stupid group thing and continue to associate with one refusing to follow the rules of the class, even after it had been drummed into their minds for so long?
Tomohisa sat down and sighed quietly. As soon as the next person arrived, he’d find out.
As if this was some sort of fairytale where everything just happened due to "coincidences", the door soon opened and the reason for Tomohisa's sudden decision walked in. Though he stopped right as he'd put his foot inside the threshold, this because he'd apparently seen who was there and where he was sitting. Quickly he looked over his shoulder to see if Akanishi was coming back from talking to some of his friends from one of the other classes. As he couldn't see or hear anyone getting closer right now, Kazuya hurried to walk down to the desk where Tomohisa was sitting, however not all the way up - too afraid that someone might actually come and that way find out and... it just wouldn't be good.
"What..." He looked down at Tomohisa, though avoiding to look him in the eyes. "What are you doing...?" he asked with a somewhat shaky voice - honestly scared. Scared that he wouldn't be able to convince Tomohisa to go to his seat, scared that someone from X or Y would come and make a big deal out of it, scared that- ... That it was he who had made Tomohisa decide something like this.
Of all the people..!
Tomohisa couldn't help but smile.
“I'm sitting, what does it look like I'm doing?" he asked as though nothing was wrong, as though he'd sat here forever and nobody was going to come and beat him to within an inch of his life. Because they were. He wondered whether it would be Akanishi or Ryo to get him first... Would they take it in turns or both go at the same time? The idea of those two working together was amusing - even if it were him they were 'working on'. Which it would be. Because he was through with X-group and wouldn't be swayed now.
At least, he didn't want to be swayed now. Whether or not he could manage not to run back to his usual seat before anyone else got there...
"You..." Nervously Kazuya looked over his shoulder again before taking another step forward. "You can't sit there..." What if Jin came now? He'd get so angry, first at Kazuya for talking to Tomohisa and then at Tomohisa because he was crossing the line and then they'd fight and everyone knew Tomohisa didn't stand a chance against Jin. "Please... don't sit there..."
"Why not?" the taller one asked with nothing but curiosity in his voice, despite knowing very well why he wasn't supposed to sit there. "I like sitting here. It's a lot better than my old seat." Of course, he could always go with the other thing he'd thought of and just move to one of the other classes; but really, he didn't see how those in charge would let him, what with them already having given him one transfer thus far. Most kids didn't get any - and it was really hard to get out of E, anyway. Everyone knew E was a class full of fighters and troublemakers that nobody wanted to teach, kids who'd apparently already given up on their own futures.
Except for him, of course. He didn't like to fight, tried to be friendly and knew what he was doing with his life. But how on earth was he going to prove that to anyone? It just wasn't possible.
As much as he was proud of Tomohisa's courage just to sit there, Kazuya couldn't help but act a little paranoid about it. Why did he want to do this? Why did he... Just like that. All of a sudden...
Why did he want to risk getting both Ryo and Jin against him like that? He just didn't get it. Why would he...
Tears started to form in Kazuya's eyes as he slowly walked up to Tomohisa’s desk and crouched a little in front of it, so that he'd be able to look at his face - even if not in the eyes.
"You'll get hurt..." he mumbled. "I don't want you to get hurt... please... please go to your seat..." He looked away, not wanting Tomohisa to see how close to tears he was.
Under cover of the desk, the fingernails of Tomohisa's left hand bit painfully into the skin of his right. He was probably close to drawing blood, actually... Which was sort of stupid since there'd be enough of that once everyone else got there. But it made him feel better for the moment, if only a little.
"I know," he said simply, lowering his voice before he continued. "Being on my own and hurting physically can't possibly be as bad as being with them and hurting in just about every other way." Well, he didn't know for sure, but it didn't seem possible that anything at all could be that bad.
"Physical pain goes away relatively quickly. And anyway, that way I'll have something to think about all day." He smiled as he spoke. That wasn't the smartest thing ever, but then he wasn't the smartest person ever.
This made Kazuya quickly look back at Tomohisa, a few tears running down his cheeks. How could he say something like that? It wasn't like that at all! It wasn't... like that at. All. Physical pain didn't help... it...
Oh how he wished he could just grab a desk and join him, tell him that he wanted this exact thing. Either that or just not care. Because... because it obviously was a hard thing to do as it didn't look like Tomohisa would move or anything like that.
"It won't make anything easier..." he slowly started. "It'll just hurt you... please." Again with the please, begging him to move. "I really don't want this... please..." As he said that word for the 100th time or something, he felt as if all of this strength left him and he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. If Jin would come now, if Jin or Ryo would...
How embarrassing. To cry like this in front of Tomohisa, but still he couldn't turn away or try to cover it up, he just couldn't. Instead he just looked down at the older one (as he'd gotten up to his feet). "... please don't do this." he begged again, not knowing what more he could say.
This was so the wrong thing to be happening right now.
Tomohisa stood up, for no reason other than that it seemed like the right thing to be doing. "No, don't..." he muttered. Moving here and staying here was so hard already, and this just made it so much harder! "Don't cry, please... It's not so bad, I'll be okay..." The worst that could happen was that they'd beat him up enough to cause injury but not enough to get him into hospital. Haha, hospital. Maybe he'd see Shige and get another beating while he was there. ...What an awful thought.
"It's not your fault or anything, I decided to do this on my own and... If they... When they come and I get hurt then it's only me who has to suffer, right?" Hopefully a disturbance of this magnitude would mean that the two halves wouldn't fight today. Maybe instead of fighting each other they'd join together and just beat him up every day? Well at least nobody else would get hurt.
Kazuya looked at him a few moments before casting an eye over his shoulder, only to see someone who he didn't want to see - at all. Kusano Hironori stood in the doorway, looking at them. Of course, that was definitely better than Jin or Ryo but still not good at all...
Looking back at Tomohisa, Kazuya licked his lips nervously. It wasn't as if he had the time to wait and think right? Right, so just do what you -want- for once Kazuya, and you know that- Even before his thoughts got to finish that sentence he had walked around the desk and placed one arm around Tomohisa's neck before claiming his lips.
Kusano stumbled backwards at the sight. Not at all surprised by them kissing, only at the place they decided to do it at. Damn it... Damn it! Why did they have to do that in front of him?!
He quickly looked out in the corridor, seeing no one else than Akanishi Jin coming, heading for the classroom. Oh how lovely life was sometimes. Now he had to save Kazuya's ass just because he wanted to save Tomokun's... ugh, not fair. He would so totally beat up miss princess later though.
"Are you fucking insane?!" Kusano called out, starting his process called 'saving Tomokun' and hurried to walk up to the... new couple of the class. Being way too rough as he pulled Kazuya away from Tomohisa, the smallest one stumbled backwards. Kusano could however care less about that and instead grabbed Tomohisa's arm (who was probably too stunned to do anything on his own right now) and walked over to their desks.
However they didn't quite make it to them as Jin got inside and first thing he saw was Kazuya getting up to his feet, drying his cheeks - and that immediately had him look over at Kusano and Tomohisa.
"What the fuck did you do?" Well, that was a rather stupid question. It was obvious one of them had hurt His Kazuya. And that was enough for Jin, really.
"Who did it?" But he wasn't unfair. He could easily take on both of them if he wanted to but he didn't. Because it wasn't fair... and besides it was morning - he was tired.
Before Tomohisa had a chance to reply Kusano had pushed the taller one towards his seat and then looked at Jin. "Well who do You think?" he replied in a cocky tone, smiling a little. "Little princess was being too loud."
Jin frowned, why the hell would Kazuya have been loud?! He wouldn't. But then again, this brat obviously didn't know that the only one who would ever be able to call Kazuya princess and get away with it was Ryo. Because really, Jin didn't beat up Ryo because of it. If some other fag decided to call him that though...
Without waiting for an answer Kusano made his way up to Jin, having both Tomohisa and Kazuya look at him, both rather shocked. Why on earth was he covering for them?
Jin grabbed Kusano by his collar and looked him in the eyes.
"You were never a good liar, were you?" he asked, without expecting an answer - though it would have to do. He'd tried to lie and obviously failed. Stupid fucking X failure, pissing him off like this.
Ah well, there was nothing to do but to beat him up... after receiving a punch in the stomach. Jin backed up, a liiittle bit surprised by Kusano's obvious urge to fight him. Though he didn't hesitate one second before he, with a tightened fist, aimed for the younger one's face.
Kazuya looked at the two guys fighting by the door, why was Kusano covering for him and Tomohisa? He couldn't understand it at all... why on earth would he ever... Then his eyes fell on Tomohisa. The other X members would never do something like what Kusano just had done, not even to save one of their own members. Well, maybe Ryo for Uchi but no one else... Even though Ryo and Tomohisa were close, Ryo would never do such a thing for him. And Kusano had still to survive a month in this class and he wasn't even that close with any X member it seemed, as he sat here and there all the time. But still he decided to get himself beaten up instead of Tomohisa and Kazuya. It didn't make any sense. Though it was obviously Tomohisa he wanted to protect right? Because if he'd wanted to protect Kazuya he'd just have given Tomohisa a punch in the face. Which he hadn't so instead of letting Jin see what was going on he... saved them both from, what would obviously had been hell. It didn't sound realistic at all, unless...
As Kazuya looked back at the fight, which Jin was obviously winning, he slowly sat down on his chair. Now, that you thought about it, it was really simple - Kusano Hironori had fallen in love with Yamashita Tomohisa.
Of course, Tomohisa himself would never come to such a conclusion - be it true or not, the guy just wasn’t nearly confident enough to assume that anyone liked him at all. Plus being very, very used to having to work for people’s affection. Even their attention was something he fought for because he hated being lonely so damn much and would accept any kind of acknowledgement. A punch in the face is still acknowledgement: they still know you’re there and are doing it to hurt you specifically, right? So for that moment you still matter to them in a way…
The would-be traitor to X-group stood awkwardly next to his desk, his old desk with the rest of X-group, and stared at the goings-on. What on earth was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t just go back and sit at the other desk, that would be like saying Kusano didn’t matter to him at all… While they hadn’t known one another long, Kusano very much did matter to Tomohisa. They’d become friends during that time, hadn’t they? It was nice to have someone he could just be hyper with and not be looked at oddly.
He couldn’t take the blame himself either. Going and saying that he’d been the one to hurt Kazuya (closer to the truth, after all - the smaller one wouldn’t have been crying at all if it weren’t for him) would have the immediate effect of him getting beaten up by the oh-so-predictable Akanishi Jin. Because that was just what Akanishi did, used his strength to resolve anything - even if it just made things worse, which was often the case. And hadn’t Kusano separated them to save them from that? So again, it would be like saying Kusano didn’t matter.
Without thinking any more (or realizing that he’d left his bag next to the desk he’d just been sitting at), Tomohisa crossed the room toward where there was now yet more unnecessary fighting going on. This was exactly the opposite to what he’d aimed for - he wanted people to concentrate on him so that they wouldn’t have to fight each other!
“Kusano!” He made no move to break up the fight because… Well, there was still that much cowardice in him. “Kusano, what are you doing?!” he demanded, looking horribly worried. What could possibly happen here but another Y-group victory? It was already happening, really, if one looked at how the fight was going. It was a small blessing that Ryo hadn’t gotten here yet, but he would soon and then what would happen? Why couldn’t everyone just get along?!
Jin pushed Kusano into the wall - which was enough for him right now to collapse to the floor, and then turned to the other X group member (who by the way was about the same height as himself). Ignoring Kusano for now, knowing he wouldn't be able to get up immediately anyway, Akanishi turned all of his attention toward Yamashita.
"Gettin' his fucking ass kicked - what does it look like?" he answered, cocky as always. "Y'want some too?" Yes, he actually was nice enough to ask this. Because, let's just face it, beating up Tomohisa without a reason would make Ryo pissed (was the guy crushing on him or something?) and a pissed Ryo meant more morning fighting and if it was something Jin didn't want to deal with right now it was fighting. Especially not with Ryo because Ryo was fucking strong. Jin was stronger, of course. But he was still strong and thus not as easy to beat up as the rest of X.
As Tomohisa didn't answer Jin's question, the stronger one grinned. "Thought so." he said with a shrug and walked down to his desk next to (the still shocked) Kazuya.
Kusano slowly got up to his feet once Akanishi had decided to leave him alone. With the back of his hand he dried away the blood from the corner of his mouth before sending glares Tomohisa's way. It didn't matter how much he'd known that Kamenashi and Tomohisa was dating, seeing each other, being stupid fuckbuddies or whatever, before. Seeing it with his own eyes had just hurt too damn much. Still he'd covered up for them because he obviously cared too much for his friend.
"I really don't want to talk to you right now." he said as he slowly started to walk down to his own desk, though as he was almost pass Tomohisa he stopped. "You better get your bag before Akanishi sees it, it's crossing the line." Was all he said, hoping for the taller one to listen before he made his way down to his seat and sat down.
Leaving his bag where it was for the moment, a very confused Tomohisa just followed Kusano.
“What? Why not?” he asked; almost pleaded, in fact. He hadn’t asked to be saved or anything and now Kusano was mad at him… Why? It just didn’t make any sense, his mind couldn’t fit it together in a logical way at all.
“You didn’t have to do that - I never meant for you to…” Well of course he hadn’t meant it, but that was how it’d turned out. He’d just wanted to distance himself from the stupidity of 3-E’s classroom politics, but apparently that was bad for everyone and just…
He couldn’t really do anything right, could he?
At that point, the long-awaited (only not really) X-group leader appeared at the door - not looking happy in the slightest.
“Yamashita!” he yelled in the direction of his (supposedly) good friend as he completely ignored everyone else and made his way across the classroom to where the bumbling idiot stood. “Why the hell didn’t you call if you weren’t gonna be there?” the older of the two demanded.
“I… I didn’t…“ stammered Tomohisa, trying desperately to deal with so damn much apparently all deciding to happen at once.
“Yeah, exactly, you didn’t.” Ryo gave the other one a look of pure disgust - highly unwarranted, really. At this point he happened to take a look around the rest of the classroom, generally checking the state of things. Everything seemed to be pretty much normal, but…
“…The fuck?” he frowned, noticing the desk in the back and how it sat dead on the line. No one did that, ever, because it just wasn’t allowed. “What the hell’s this thing doing-“ he cut himself off as he noticed something next to it, immediately went over and picked up said ‘thing’ only to realize that it was Tomohisa’s bag.
“It’s not what it looks like!” exclaimed the tall one himself - probably not the right thing to be saying. Guilty conscience and all. Because of course it was exactly what it looked like and saying that just made it more obvious.
“What is it, then?” Ryo asked, his voice suddenly way too calm to be good for anyone. And now Tomohisa was stuck with thinking of something to say. Lying, especially on the spot, wasn’t one of his strong points.
“I, um… I just, I mean, um…”
“You don’t need us anymore? Now that you’re not the new kid anymore that’s it, it’s all okay and you can just do whatever the hell you want?”
“No! It’s just that-” Tomohisa didn’t get a chance to finish as Ryo, having dropped the other one’s schoolbag back on the floor, gave him a particularly hard shove on his way past - didn’t even look at his ‘friend’ as he continued talking.
“Well, bye then.”
Everyone in the room immediately looked up at Tomohisa and then at Ryo. Everyone, of course surprised - but the most shocked was probably Jin as he stood up and looked over at the other leader of the class.
"Say that again?" he demanded before giving Tomohisa a disgusted look. "That fucker ain't coming over to us." he said, making his point very clear. There was no way they could have a person who didn't belong to any group in the class. It just didn't make sense and he, Akanishi Jin - the one responsible for this class, wouldn't have it that way. So either Yamashita belonged to X or he just wasn't a part of 3-E anymore.
Kusano blinked and looked around before going up to Tomohisa again, before he turned to Ryo. "Nishikido-kun," he started - again trying to save Tomokun's ass. This sure was saving day or something.
"We had a fight with princess-" That could very well have him receive a punch from Jin... or maybe even Ryo. "- that's why his bag was down there." Now would that work?
Kazuya looked up at Tomohisa, almost being a bit afraid that somehow Kusano would return to his senses and tell about what really happened and then...
He looked down, not wanting to think about it.
Surprisingly enough, Ryo laughed as he sat down and immediately leaned right back in his chair.
"Ne, Kusano-kun, how long have you known him?" the X-group leader inclined his head towards where Yamashita was still standing, almost as though it wasn't obvious who he was talking about anyway. "Not long, right? You weren't here for first year, or second. Y'know, once he got here he didn't talk at all for a while. Surprising, huh?" There was silence as everyone apparently waited for him to make his point.
"What I mean is that I know him, that ungrateful fuck who thinks he can just abandon people whenever he wants." Not that he'd ever done it before, to Ryo's knowledge, but that wasn't the point. "And I know how bad a liar he is."
"Ryo, please-" for the second time, Tomohisa didn't get a chance to finish his sentence. However, this time it was because Ryo decided he'd rather talk than listen.
"Okay then Tomokun, tell me. Is that right? Were you fighting with the little princess?"
One second, two seconds, three seconds of expectant silence. Tomohisa felt as though the entire world were staring at him, waiting for him to say something.
"…Y- Yes…" he tried, knowing before it'd come out of his mouth that it wouldn't work. Of all things, his honesty would condemn him? It certainly seemed that way.
Ryo laughed again, as though that were terribly funny. "You see?" he'd turned back to Kusano by this time. "We don't need anything that fucking stupid. And since They don't want it either…" The X-group leader grinned quite sadistically up at Tomohisa.
"…Looks like you might have to piss off for good, huh?"
Stunned and horrified at the behavior of the guy who'd up until a few minutes ago been a good friend of his, Tomohisa quietly turned and walked to the back of the classroom. He sat down at the desk he'd moved earlier and stared blankly down at his hands. Of course, he'd known it wouldn't be easy…
And he'd probably get moved from there again in a minute and then the physical pain he'd talked about would start for real.
It couldn't be all that bad… At least he was alive, and he didn't think they'd do enough damage to kill him.
"Ryo..." Kusano looked at the leader of the X-group and then down at where Tomohisa was sitting. Now he was supposed to choose too? Come on, this wasn't how things were supposed to be! They were a group, right? Even though he might be knew he'd at least learned that much. They were a group and they were friends. Sure, Ryo might be pissed and not wanting to talk to Tomohisa, but he didn't have to! He didn't have to talk to him... he-
"Nishikido-kun." Kazuya rose from his seat and looked over at the (obviously) annoyed X-leader. Now why did he do this? He knew, he fucking knew, this would definitely cost him. Akanishi would totally beat him up once they were in private, because of this - but you know what? It didn't matter. What mattered was that Tomohisa, who had never done anything to hurt anyone, shouldn't be treated this way. He who wanted everyone to get along and thought good about everyone, even Jin. Though, this was something Kazuya wouldn't ever be able to say so instead he decided to go with things that made sense to both Ryo and Jin, them obviously being the most powerful ones.
"About the fight if you need to know, it was Kusano who couldn't allow me coughing." Lying? He was an expert when he needed to be. God knew how many times he'd lied to Jin - just to remain perfect. But he honestly didn't feel bad about it, not as long as it was for a good cause... and this most certainly was.
"But aside from that-" he looked over at Tomohisa with cold eyes. It hurt, it hurt a lot to put up with this facade that said he hated everyone in the room except for Jin, but he had to do it - for Tomohisa, right? "He still is with X, no matter what you say."
At that Ryo, of course quirked a brow and was just about to say something as 'the Princess' continued.
"Because he won't be allowed to change classes and having someone sit there," he gave a short nod Tomohisa's way. "It's simply not happening. I don't give a damn shit about your personal relations but once a X you're always a X and thus he's not allowed to cross that line."
Any minute now, Kazuya's mind told him. He'd collapse any minute from overworking himself this way. It hurt so much, to be this cold, to talk that way about Tomohisa, about the group in general - but hopefully he made a good point. Hopefully.
Jin, who had decided he was going to have a very serious talk with Kazuya later that night, cleared his throat and leaned back at his chair - looking at Ryo.
"He does have a point." he admitted though and looked down at Tomohisa, that guy sure knew how to make a scene. "Having someone like that being there just won't happen. He's still in X."
"No he's not." Ryo said simply, raising an eyebrow. Oh, he knew the others would hate him for this. He knew very well that he was being unnecessarily nasty to Tomohisa, who'd always tried to be nice to everyone. That was the idiot's problem - it just wasn't possible to be nice to everyone all at the same time. The rest of X knew he could kick their asses anyway, so they could all just shut the fuck up for now. They'd forget at some point, and until then he wasn't bothered about what they thought.
He wasn't going to let himself consider what Hiroki would think.
"I don't care what happens to him, but he's not staying with us." This was said both decisively and dismissively, as Ryo picked up his bag and began to look inside it for something. Evidently he considered the conversation finished.
Tomohisa had an odd sense of not being there - everyone seemed to be deciding his future for him, he didn't even have a hint of any sort of choice. The one he'd considered his best friend had apparently turned on him completely, and… That look.
That awful, awful look he'd gotten from Kazuya that probably didn't mean anything at all but it just added to all the hideous wrongness of the day thus far. And it was still morning, everybody hadn't even arrived yet.
He wasn't sure whether anyone was looking or if anyone could even see, but he just didn't care anymore. This class evidently meant a lot more to him than he'd thought… It was for that reason that this time he didn't bother hiding or running away, just tipped his head forward and allowed the tears to fall.
He'd never be a part of anything here again, not after doing this, and he knew so. Ryo wouldn't trust him anymore, at least, and Ryo was who mattered when it came to X-group.
Y-group didn't want him and to be honest he didn't want them either (well, all but one of them) so…
He wondered vaguely whether he'd be able to convince his mother to homeschool him instead. Rina would complain, but she had absolutely no idea.
Kusano kept looking at Tomohisa for as long as he could - which was until he saw the older one cry. At that he just looked away, quickly exchanging looks with Kazuya and in that short moment making sure the other one would know exactly how much he blamed him for this.
Sure, it was true that Hironori had just been there for a few days and he didn't know Tomohisa all that well, but to him things didn't have to take much time. He made friends easily and he started to like people very quickly. He liked Koyama, Shige and Ryo - even though they were his new found friends he really liked them. But Tomokun? Ever since that day they'd spent the day together after school he knew for sure he liked him a bit more than anyone else. And that was exactly why he just couldn't let go of this. Telling himself that Tomohisa probably wanted to be alone, he walked up to the desk next to Ryo's and sat down. Talking about this when Y-members were present wasn't something he liked but it wasn't as if this was a matter that could wait until later.
"Ryo..." he said in a low voice, even though he didn't have to be silent - seeing how they were three X-members in the room. But anyway, this gave him Ryo's attention (somewhat), and that was the important thing right now. "Please..." he continued, still talking in a small voice. "Please don't kick him out..."
"I didn't kick anyone out." Ryo replied absently, having once more found and opened his favorite magazine. "He left. I'm… How d'ya say it… I'm 'respecting his decision'. What kind of a guy would I be to let him go back on it?"
Obviously a much nicer one than he currently was. But niceness didn't fit in 3-E and that complete moron Yamashita had basically just proven that. Nice guys finish last, right? And Ryo was not going to finish last. Screw that. He was a fighter - a winner, despite being unable to beat ONE person out of however many he'd beat up in the past. He'd get stronger, he'd beat Akanishi-dumbfuck and then X would be in charge.
They didn't need stupid babbling crybaby morons like Yamashita to do that, and Ryo was all for dropping the dead weight.
"For fucks sake Ryo!" Kusano suddenly said out loud after a few short moments of silence. It was pretty obvious, that he wasn't going to take this. X wasn't X without their constant losing against Y, without all their members. Without Koyama's annoying blushing, Shige's bragging or Ryo's stuck up-ness? There wasn't no X! And Tomokun was a big part of it too! X wouldn't be if he wasn't there with his kindness, because you know - no one in X and I mean NO ONE was that nice. And every group needed someone like that and...
Kusano rose and kicked the chair he had been sitting at before going down to the desk where Tomohisa sat, grabbing a chair from the X-side of the classroom and sat down next to him. Being very careful that he still was on X's side though.
Tomohisa blinked and looked up, wetness clinging to his eyelashes and making his cheeks shine. Indeed, his vision was still blurred by the tears enough that he couldn't really see Kusano well at all.
"You don't have to do that…" he muttered, voice cracking a little as he did. He tried to smile, knew that since he couldn't stop crying he just looked pathetic - but he had to try, because it was in his nature. "I knew… I knew this would happen…" He just hadn't known it would be so bad, or so upsetting.
Kazuya looked over at Kusano and Tomohisa, he actually wanted to join them. He wanted to go down there, sit next to him on Y's side and say that he agreed. Say that he didn't want this stupid fighting to go on anymore... but he couldn't. He wasn't brave enough to do that. He wasn't strong enough to stand up for himself like that.
"Drama Queen." Jin sighed as he looked over at Tomohisa. "Move to your side already."
Now was a great time to grow a spine. Tomohisa knew he'd have to at some point if he was going to survive… It was better to get it over with now. He wiped his eyes so that he could see properly before doing anything.
"No." he said simply, turning to look Akanishi in the eye. He'd never been the openly defiant type before - but if he continued to let them rule him he'd be a servant forever.
. . . Jin blinked, a little surprised by Tomohisa, Yamashita fucking Tomohisa of all people, talking back at him. However it made an ironic smile grow on his lips. "Come again?"
"The..." Tomohisa cursed inwardly at losing confidence after that first word. Try again. "...The whole world doesn't revolve around you." There. Simply the truth and nothing else, it couldn't even be classed as an insult. Oh, he knew that saying so would be bad for his health in the very near future - it wasn't even like him. But now he'd have to defend himself, now he couldn't hide behind Ryo anymore, and no matter how nice he was he wasn't about to let everyone just walk all over him.
Or so he thought now, anyway. Now that he had sudden confidence... He knew deep down that he'd lose that at some point. It just didn't look good for him at all, really.
Kazuya immediately looked over at Tomohisa, why had he-
"You son of a-!" Jin got up from his chair, losing his patience way too quickly for his own good, but didn't get far before Kazuya grabbed his arm.
"Don't." he said, ordered, more than asked - thus surprising the ones present in the room. "Don't listen to him."
Jin pulled back his arm and glared at Kazuya, his behavior really started going on his nerves. What the hell was wrong with him these days? "Exactly what are you trying to do?"
The smaller one looked Jin in the eyes, not knowing what to answer. Tomohisa's sudden ability to talk to back to the strongest of the class had obviously inspired him as well, but... now what? What was he supposed to do now?!
Tomohisa blinked, his eyes widening. Now this? This was very weird. Weirder than him denouncing X, weirder than Ryo turning on the one he'd spent so much time and energy protecting… But he couldn't help, could he? He couldn't do anything without giving something away, and that was most certainly not a good thing. Not now, not while just about everything else was happening.
"You give your bitch too much freedom, Akanishi." Ryo commented, sounding thoroughly amused. Well, he had to find something to do, right? Something that wasn't feeling like the lowest of the low, imagining what Hiroki would say when he found out…
Why the hell was everyone pissing him off at the same time?! That stupid fucker Tomohisa, that even more stupid fucker Ryo and even his own fucking boyfriend?! Jin glared at Ryo but decided to ignore it and instead turn to Kazuya again. He knew that arguing with him in front of Ryo wasn't a good idea but right now he didn't have the patience to wait because lately Kazuya'd just been way too... too... not-himself!
"What the hell's wrong with you?!" he asked in a loud voice, knowing that he was causing a scene, but then again - he was Akanishi. It was okay for him to cause a scene. Sure, he was arguing with Kazuya which wasn't good but as previously stated, he didn't have the patience to think right now, this was just bothering him too much.
Kazuya backed up a little, honestly scared by Jin's sudden outburst.
"N-nothing..." he replied and shook his head. There was nothing wrong with him! Well, except for the fact that he was betraying just about everyone one way or another. Yes, even Tomohisa. He should sit next to him, but he didn't.
"Nothing my ass, Kazu." Jin replied, talking as calm as possible - though it didn't last for long. "What's the fucking matter with you?!"
Kazuya backed even a few more steps, well he tried too but couldn't as a desk was behind him. "J-Jin... there's nothing-"
He didn't get a chance to finish that sentence though, as Jin (just as always) decided that violence was the only way to solve things and thus punched him in the face. Seeing how Akanishi was both bigger and stronger than Kazuya, the smaller one didn't have a chance to stand up against him (especially not when he wasn't ready for it) and thus fell down to the floor. Way, way too shocked to get up to his feet again.
Tomohisa then completely ignored both his own common sense and Ryo's uproarious laughter, was on his feet faster than one would've thought possible and before he knew what he was doing he'd used the element of surprise (basically all he had) to shove the Y-group leader hard enough to knock him over. Normally he wouldn't have possessed the strength to do that, but righteous anger can really give you a boost, you know?
Causing pain, however, wasn't his aim. "You!" he stared down at the still-stunned Akanishi. "How can you even count yourself as a person when you'd do things like that? The two of you have always been closer even than Ryo and Uchi - doesn't that affect you at all?!" he demanded, seemingly determined to finish his monologue as fast as possible.
He was pretty damn certain he'd hurt for this soon - but Kazuya was more important.
"What could he possibly have done to deserve that, especially from you? That's like… Like… I don't even know!"
And with that he seemed to be completely finished, just stood there panting with the effort all that had taken.
Kazuya looked up at Tomohisa, just as shocked and surprised as Jin, by all this. Not that it had been completely unexpected - because it hadn't. But still... Why? Why would he ever even... why would he... Why?! It was a stupid thing to do! No one was ever about to figure out their truth and their reality where everything was great and perfect! Because no one would understand. Which was why everything just had to be normal in the eyes of others! But... "Baka..." Kazuya mumbled, knowing it didn't reach anyone's ears but his own. Of course he was touched, of course. He loved Tomohisa more for each passing second but... but... but still. This would hurt him!
Jin got up to his feet somewhat fast once he'd (sort of) gotten over the shock. But instead of getting back at Tomohisa, he gave out a short laughter.
"So THAT's why?!" he asked, not really expecting an answer. "You-" He laughed again and shook his head. Now this made sense. This made perfect sense!
"You like Kazuya, don't you?" Right after he finished that sentence he burst out laughing again. It was so obvious! And of course Kazuya for some reason knew and then, being the kindhearted bitch he is he's flattered and doesn't want Tomohisa hurt...
Oh how hilarious life was sometimes.
Unsure what to say in reply to that, Tomohisa just stared. Well, of course he did, but now both Akanishi and Ryo were laughing and… He wanted to scream and run away. Today was like a particularly bad dream he just couldn't wake up from. Still silent, he gave a weak sort of nod by means of reply - wanting very much just to ignore the stupid leader of the stupid stronger group and ask if Kazuya was okay. Because really, hitting someone like that, especially someone so close to you? Not. Cool.
…Not that he was ever the sort of person to protect anyone. Usually he was the one being protected, actually, due to his lack of physical strength and intense dislike of fighting. In his opinion fighting was completely unnecessary - but in the face of recent events he thought he could make an exception for THIS particular asshole. Even if he was bound to lose horrifically.
As Jin realized he'd just got an 'yes' for reply he fell silent. Now that was just too fucking weird. One of the X-group wanted to fuck HIS boyfriend?!
"Well, sorry man." Akanishi replied as he had seemed to calm down a bit. "I'm not givin' him to you~"
Kusano quirked a brow at the way Jin expressed himself. Kazuya didn't look surprised or hurt at all, but Kusano? Very surprised indeed. The strongest one was talking about Kamenashi as if he was some sort of thing he could give away or let anyone borrow as he liked. Now, Kusano didn't like Kamenashi much but for God's sake - he was a still a person.
Tomohisa's eyes narrowed - any other person would've looked dangerous, but it didn't work for him. He did manage to look annoyed, though.
"You don't own him." he muttered; quietly, yet loud enough to be heard. "He owns himself and he can do what he wants. If..." he paused for a moment to gather his courage once more. He'd said more to Akanishi today than he probably had in the preceding year, and while he meant every word it was still frightening. "...If he wants to stay with you then so be it, but... You shouldn't get to decide. You don't deserve to."
"Well then!" Jin, too annoyed about this to fight went over to his boyfriend and pulled him up to his feet. "Kazuya, dear." He tried hard not to laugh about this. "Who would you rather be with? Me, or him?"
Kazuya's eyes widened at that and he looked at Jin.
"Wh-what?" What?! How was he... ever going to be able to choose between them? He really couldn't. Despite Jin's behavior and how he treated him he loved him very much. He was so grateful to him... but in a totally different way than what it was like with Tomohisa...
"If you want to be with that guy." Jin smiled as he said this. "I won't get mad, I promise."
Right. Kazuya mentally replied, Jin wouldn't be mad - he'd be furious. He'd be... he'd... Saying 'Tomohisa' simply wasn't an option. Still Kazuya looked at the taller one a bit away from him. He had been so... amazing. He'd been so cool, standing up for himself so much, talking back to Jin... and now here Kazuya had the best opportunity ever to do the same. But he wouldn't dare to, he didn't dare to - ever do such an amazing thing. He wasn't strong like that!! ... But if he didn't he'd let Tomohisa down... so much.
Oh dear.
Immediately Tomohisa's eyes widened once more as he realized what was going on. Really he should've seen that coming, but somehow he hadn't and now... This was all his fault. If he'd just shut up earlier...
Maybe it would still be okay - perhaps not for himself, but for Kazuya and that was what mattered. Tomohisa didn't have time to congratulate himself on his unfailing selflessness, instead sought eye contact with the smaller one. Once that was achieved he wasted no time in inclining his head slightly towards Akanishi in what he hoped was an obvious enough signal to say 'Jin' and be done with it.
Tomohisa thought he'd be fine - he hadn't expected to be chosen over someone so obviously better than him, so it wouldn't have come as a surprise anyway.
It felt like an eternity before Kazuya broke the eye contact and bowed a little to him.
"I'm sorry, Yamashita-kun." he said, his voice being filled with absolutely nothing. "But I'm with Jin, you know. And you're from X."
Jin grinned at that, how he loved it when Kazuya could act like this, making fun of it. Now that was His Princess.
Kazuya however wasn't as happy about it. He looked at Tomohisa for a few seconds. His face was expressionless, his eyes were blank, and his eyes when he said 'but thank you' were emotionless as well.
He knew Tomohisa would hurt because of this, he knew he was only hurting him! All he ever did was... hurting him. Why did Tomohisa want to be with him to begin with? He only ended up hurt... which made Kazuya hurt and no one got really happy anyway.
Those endless dreams didn't sound so bad now, did they?
"Oh, I know." Tomohisa smiled automatically. He'd never been a good liar, but he'd always been at least able to fake that. "That's what I thought, really. I just wanted to... To hear you say it and, um..." He hated himself for trailing off into nothing, but when one's heart feels as though it's imploding upon itself, it's rather difficult to continue cheerful speech. It didn't matter what he did, did it? Things would always be like this. He'd never be able to change anything about his miserable school life.
"...G- Good luck to you both and I hope you, um... I hope you're..." God but it was so hard to say. "...I hope you're together for a long time..."
And with that he turned, disappeared back to take his seat. His new seat in the back, either side of the line, since obviously Ryo didn't want him around anymore. He would not cry, not again - he wouldn't give Akanishi the satisfaction of seeing it. But god he wanted to, and it was so obvious.
Having used the excuse that he didn't feel well due to the fighting with Kusano earlier, Kazuya had said he wouldn't make the Y-group company (because he had to see the nurse) as they went out for lunch outside of school today. Instead he turned to the left when they headed out and so he walked up to the roof - being careful with that no one followed him around. Maybe he started to get paranoid?
Although, as soon as he got outside that (very heavy) door he stumbled over his own feet as he walked up to the edge. Not being the least scared of heights, he put his hands on the fence and looked down. A little bit, not far away, were a place where there was no fence (where Uchi had been laying that time Ryo'd gotten up there) and it'd be so very easy just to jump down from there.
Tears had started to run down his cheeks as he absentmindedly, slowly started to move toward that very part of the roof. He'd always been strict with himself, having himself NOT to go there, but now it didn't really matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. While everyone else might just see this tiny difference of Tomohisa changing seat in the classroom - to Kazuya it was so much more. Nothing was like it used to anymore, Everything mattered but nothing worked out.
He was indeed the worst person on this planet, hurting the one he cares for the most over, and over... and over again. Indeed it would be better to just dream for forever.
Tomohisa had been wandering around aimlessly, looking for somewhere to spend lunchtime now that he didn't have the classroom anymore. After all, X-group were in there, and he wasn't a part of that anymore... None of the other classes wanted anything to do with him, especially not C (who, rather annoyingly, remembered him all too well), so he had no choice but to take the one place nobody else used: the roof.
He sighed wearily as though the weight of the world rested upon his shoulders as he climbed the stairs. Classes today had been hell already, what with everyone glaring at him and teachers asking why he'd moved and Ryo coming out with stupid comments like 'he gives bad head, right princess?' which were just way too... Ryo. There was no other way of describing them. The former member of X-group took a quick look around once he reached the roof. Nobody had followed him, but someone was already there. Just his luck, really. Though that person did look familiar - that hairstyle. Definitely Kazuya.
Curious but not nosy, Tomohisa hurried so as to be a few steps behind the smaller one. He tried not to make too much noise and give himself away - really, he just wanted to see what Kazuya was going to do. He looked as though he were heading for the bit of the roof with no fence to it... He wouldn't jump, would he..? Just to be sure, Tomohisa got a little closer. Not close enough to intrude, but not too far away to grab the smaller one quickly if it looked like that was going to happen.
Earlier... That had hurt. It really had. Tomohisa had spend the entire morning so far thinking about it, about how much he hated it and how much he wished he had some way of taking his mind off the all-consuming anger he felt upon laying eyes on Akanishi Jin at any point. He'd never hated anyone before except his father, but now... Now there was someone he wouldn't mind seriously hurting and that scared him quite a bit.
As Kazuya was way too caught up in his own thoughts, he didn't notice how the door opened and closed. And he didn't feel as if someone was following him, looking at him either, which was actually rather weird, or just proof of that he was depressed enough? Seeing how he usually, well not always but it happened, was rather paranoid. Though, now he was way too busy being selfish. Considering how many seconds it'd take for him to reach the ground... probably not even more than three, right? It couldn't possibly take more than three seconds down to the ground from this roof?
Kazuya walked up to the edge of the roof once he reached that spot he was going for, and looked down. Below there was grass and flowers and then the asphalt. This made him a bit disappointed but then again he doubted someone would really survive if jumping from this height, right?
Would it hurt? Would he feel anything at all? Kazuya blinked a few times before closing his eyes and letting the wind have him sway back and forth for a few times. That didn't hurt at all, so this probably wouldn't either. And once he hit the ground... he would lose consciousness right afterwards so it... it was okay. Maybe that wasn't even the right thing to say, if everything would go as planned the sentence should be like this;
And once he hit the ground... he'd die as soon as he did so it was okay.
Kazuya slowly closed his eyes before opening them again, just to let a few tears run down his cheeks again. Now that he was here it was actually a bit scary. But it was for the greater good right? Because once it was done, he'd have nice dreams... dreams that would last for forever... ah. How selfish, really. To do this because He wanted to have nice dreams. But then again, he'd never denied that he was selfish right? Because he was. And that was just another reason for him to move take that final step out now. That's all that was needed - one more step.
Tomohisa fiddled absently with his hair as he continued forward until he was so close he could see over the shorter one's shoulder, thought it was pretty obvious he was there by now. So it did look like that was the plan... If he was honest, he wouldn't mind going too. He wouldn't stick around without Kazuya, anyway - what else did he have? He didn't have Ryo, he didn't have X... His mother would get over it, she'd still have Rina if he weren't around anymore... Really, it didn't seem like such a bad idea.
"Room for one more?" he asked softly, still refraining from touching the Y-member in any way because... He didn't think it was a good idea right at that moment.
Hearing Tomohisa's voice so close all of a sudden caught Kazuya completely by surprise and he stumbled a few steps to the side, for a short second almost losing is balance - which could have ended in falling.
Anyway, that wasn't important. Important was that Tomohisa was there and he was... asking the most stupid question ever.
Once Kazuya was sure of that it actually was Tomohisa standing next to him and not some guy that looked like him, had the same facial expressions like him and sounded like him - he hurried to take those few steps forward that was necessary before wrapping his arms around the taller one. Resting his head against Tomohisa's shoulder, he silently sobbed.
"Baka..."
The older of the two wasted no time in wrapping his own arms around Kazuya.
"I'm so sorry..." Tomohisa muttered. Well, it'd been his fault, hadn't it? He'd basically screwed everything up for everyone, including himself. Even the whole scene earlier with Akanishi had been his fault - but then how on earth was he supposed to just sit by and watch that bastard hit Kazuya for no real reason? Even if there had been a reason, it still wasn't something he'd just allow a person to do.
"If I'd just shut up and took it like normal then none of this would've happened..."
Kazuya couldn't disagree with that, because really... it was true. If Tomohisa hadn't done anything it wouldn't have happened. But then, on the other hand Kazuya was so impressed by what he actually had done.
"Kakkoii yo..." He mumbled and hugged the taller one a big tighter. "Standing up for yourself like that..." Still he wanted him to make up with Ryo again somehow and thus the class would eventually return to what it had been yesterday. And something, he didn't know what, but something told him that it wasn't impossible. All that was needed was for Tomohisa to catch Ryo when he was in good mood. "Kakkoii jan..."
“Yeah, I must’ve looked so cool crying like a little kid, huh?” Tomohisa gave a derisive sort of half-chuckle at himself. “And telling him I like you… God I’m so stupid, but I couldn’t just…” He paused to regain some semblance of self-control.
“…You shouldn’t let him do things like that to you.” As if it was so easy to stop someone so strong from just doing whatever the hell they wanted. For once, Tomohisa thought he actually understood Ryo’s undying hatred of the Y-group leader.
"I'm sorry..." Kazuya apologized as he'd let some moments of silence pass. "I should have been as honest as you...." He knew Tomohisa was going to disagree with that, and thus looked up at him.
"I'm just hurting you..." Because he obviously was. He was hurting the one he cared for and loved the most and that, in return made him feel so damn bad and guilty that it just... shouldn't be allowed to be... He shouldn't be allowed to be. "I..."
"No, no, no." Tomohisa shook his head insistently. "I'm glad you said what you did. It's my fault you were in that position to begin with... And this way you don't get hurt anymore." It's all very well putting loved ones first, but one has to think of themselves sometimes and Tomohisa was already forgetting to do that.
"...I don't matter so much."
"You do!" The shorter one immediately objected, feeling the tears grow in his eyes yet another time. But that was exactly what it was all about! Tomohisa mattered- he was ALL that mattered after all.
"You do... it's..." he hugged Tomohisa tighter and rested his head against the other's shoulder again. "You're all that matters."
"How can you still care about me at all after what I did..?" It didn't make sense. Hadn't Tomohisa just almost ruined everything for both of them? "I wanted things to be better for myself so badly that I hurt you and I hurt Kusano and neither of you deserve to be treated that way..." The tears threatened to come again, but he wouldn't let them. Crying again would make him feel better, and he didn't deserve to feel any better than he was. In fact, this was probably way too good for him. "I can't believe I was so selfish..."
"You..." Kazuya smiled a little. "You wanted things to be better for us, ne..." he said in a small voice. "You believed it would work ne... it could have worked... if it were just you and me." Slowly he raised his head and looked up at Tomohisa, seriousness playing all over his face.
"I just want to be with you." he said, explained and locked eyes with the taller one. No words were needed right now, they knew each other well enough to know what the other one was thinking just by doing this.
Tomohisa said nothing, hoped his eyes managed to convey just how much he agreed - but didn't think anything was capable of showing that. With things as they were, how could the two of them possibly remain together? So far it seemed as though all recent events had done was bring them closer together, but... How long could that continue?
The taller one broke their eye contact for a brief moment to glance at the ground - the real ground, that is, as he could see it clearly from where they stood. It seemed such a long way away... He couldn't help but wonder, if they jumped together would they stay that way even after hitting the ground? In the afterlife or whatever happened after death, could they be together then?
It frightened Tomohisa that that seemed so much more probable than things ever changing. As he looked Kazuya in the eyes again, the bigger question that no one of them dared to ask but were both thinking, was more or less answered.
Kazuya nodded at Tomohisa with a small smile resting on his lips. It would have to be this way, right? It was the best thing to do after all... No matter how hard it was to do it, it was the best thing to do. It'd make everyone happy in the end and maybe they'd even get everlasting dreams.