welcome to my second opened entry
i am very sick. i have a multiple problems at an awful time in life. i have a serious ear infection, a sinus infection like whoa, a relentless 101 fever, and, to top it off, strep throat. WOOT WOOT. yay! im john and life just bent me over a table and made me its prison bitch. it's so fucking painful. i cant eat anything too hard because it hurts my throat. i need to drink lots of liquids for my sinus infection but then it makes my stomach upset because the sinus infection distorts anything edible into pure shit. so while this shit lies within my stomach, i feel like im going to barf. instead of barfing i burp a little, because barfing would hurt my throat too much and the burps pop my ear which kills every fucking time because they're popping and infected.
id much rather be in school, believe it or not. we might have to cancle the show tomorrow because of me. OWWW. i just fucking burped. i'd hate to let the band down. ive done it before and i always feel awful afterwards. im not staying anywhere after prom. ill go somewhere for a bit, but me and E decided that we'll go back to my house to sleep and actually sleep and then we'll go to poughkeepsie earlier on sunday. eric's car is a shithead with its "check engine" light. and my mom doesnt want me to drive (especially not while a little sick, even if im getting better). so erics dad, donald, is letting eric take his. its just as big woot woot. this whole weekend is starting to be just one huge fucking tease and it sucks because on top of plans falling through, i am feeling so awful that it makes it 99,000 times worse. i hope i feel better and fast.
ok, so next weekend we have a show on friday and the girls were supposed to come up for amandas birthday. then we were supposed to possibly drive back to poughkeepsie and spend the night there. now, amanda got caught drinking or something and they might not come. in which case, we'll figure some fun shit out. WOO HOO.
okay, im going to be open. i sleep with a fan on all year round. its a habit but the noise comforts me. i like to lay on my side or stomach. i guess i feel im too revealed/vulnerable to the room if im on my back. anyways, today i turned the tv on mute and just lay still. i was on my side and just lost in thought as always. i began to listen, my heart keeping the time, vibrating through the couch to the pillow and to my infected ear and i could feel myself breathe and beat to survive. hilary, brenda, eric, and carly (now) realize that i am the king of thought. rory and i see eye to eye on the lack of being able trap and enjoy sleep. i bring this up because with my 24 hours a day of non-stop thinking, i have been on serious missions to use my memory to relive as many moments with a given person as possible. im so fucking great at it; i feel today that i am blessed with this memory because while there is nothing on tv, no one anywhere except school, and music hurts to play/hear, i can relive these moments as if im actually in them.
i dont close my eyes. i dont pretend. i dont alter. i dont think what if.
i get lost. id write about the memories that have been visited but i dont want to. they are better private. they'll always better when they are kept between those involved. just me and her.
moving on... i took a trip to the peninsula again in the best way possible...
by myself. i began reciting some of the things that i wrote in the last entry and a few little poems that i wrote before that. it sucks that my favorite place had trouble settling my thoughts because of my fucking headache. i dont blame it and i wish i had not gone because i will remember that it wasnt as great as it could have been this one time in my life.
national treasure is a sick movie... my moms renting it for me and i was thinking about it because those types of movies are so appealing to me. they make you think and they puzzle you and thats why i loved the divinci code and all other dan brown books. the sitting on the edge of the seat really makes me come close to forgetting outside thoughts. i think thats why they appeal. once i came close to telling good ol' jimmy bilbs about how i think like this. i was afraid it would lead to the depressed state that i live in and i'd end up with serious meds and help. its not for me.
i worry how people look at me. i think about appearance, how they act, if they trust, if they like spending time with, if they're physically attracted to me. i wonder what they think of me. overall? fake? good person? fun? thoughtful? respectful? asshole?
now i feel as if i am repeating former entries.
sean- i apologize for not mentioning you in my last entry. we havnt been really close until recently, but hot damn. i think youre probably the best at everything. fuckin 600,000 on the SATS, great at music (better than mark maybe, and mark is fucking great), frisbee like whoa. seriously built and healthy as fuck, and you have a crazy fuckin backyard. i dont think people top you. (it probably doesnt sound like much because i wrote it about everyone but i do mean it. i put some serious thought into us at the pond today. (TIME OUT: i dont like calling it the pond, it sounds degrading for such a place that means so much to me. TIME IN.) i was just firing off my thoughts and, to be honest, left you out of my last entry. NOT ON PURPOSE I SWEAR. anyways, youre comment made me think a lot and im pretty sure that we'll be good friends. youre already like one of my 12 closest. thanks man and im sorry i didnt put your name in where it belongs.
that being said. i have flown, and flying is addictive. i need more now. i have only one wing. but im going to the second one soon. and we soar like you won't imagine. 1000's of miles per hour and also able to hover completely still and in place. amazing. nothing short of infinite.
i read the catcher and the rye 2 times in the past week. its great and i want to be holden and i think we already have similarities. anyways i went to the dentist and asked the woman doing that cleaning thang if she had ever read it. i was curious to know. and she seemed shocked that i asked. i didnt say another word after the look i recieved.
i wish more people had read my last entry. if you could tell people to read it. i'd appreciate it. even if they dont know me. i think they should read to know about how great the people i talked about are and how i was feeling about me.
thank you.
-john-
ps- comment away on this one also!!!!!
id much rather be in school, believe it or not. we might have to cancle the show tomorrow because of me. OWWW. i just fucking burped. i'd hate to let the band down. ive done it before and i always feel awful afterwards. im not staying anywhere after prom. ill go somewhere for a bit, but me and E decided that we'll go back to my house to sleep and actually sleep and then we'll go to poughkeepsie earlier on sunday. eric's car is a shithead with its "check engine" light. and my mom doesnt want me to drive (especially not while a little sick, even if im getting better). so erics dad, donald, is letting eric take his. its just as big woot woot. this whole weekend is starting to be just one huge fucking tease and it sucks because on top of plans falling through, i am feeling so awful that it makes it 99,000 times worse. i hope i feel better and fast.
ok, so next weekend we have a show on friday and the girls were supposed to come up for amandas birthday. then we were supposed to possibly drive back to poughkeepsie and spend the night there. now, amanda got caught drinking or something and they might not come. in which case, we'll figure some fun shit out. WOO HOO.
okay, im going to be open. i sleep with a fan on all year round. its a habit but the noise comforts me. i like to lay on my side or stomach. i guess i feel im too revealed/vulnerable to the room if im on my back. anyways, today i turned the tv on mute and just lay still. i was on my side and just lost in thought as always. i began to listen, my heart keeping the time, vibrating through the couch to the pillow and to my infected ear and i could feel myself breathe and beat to survive. hilary, brenda, eric, and carly (now) realize that i am the king of thought. rory and i see eye to eye on the lack of being able trap and enjoy sleep. i bring this up because with my 24 hours a day of non-stop thinking, i have been on serious missions to use my memory to relive as many moments with a given person as possible. im so fucking great at it; i feel today that i am blessed with this memory because while there is nothing on tv, no one anywhere except school, and music hurts to play/hear, i can relive these moments as if im actually in them.
i dont close my eyes. i dont pretend. i dont alter. i dont think what if.
i get lost. id write about the memories that have been visited but i dont want to. they are better private. they'll always better when they are kept between those involved. just me and her.
moving on... i took a trip to the peninsula again in the best way possible...
by myself. i began reciting some of the things that i wrote in the last entry and a few little poems that i wrote before that. it sucks that my favorite place had trouble settling my thoughts because of my fucking headache. i dont blame it and i wish i had not gone because i will remember that it wasnt as great as it could have been this one time in my life.
national treasure is a sick movie... my moms renting it for me and i was thinking about it because those types of movies are so appealing to me. they make you think and they puzzle you and thats why i loved the divinci code and all other dan brown books. the sitting on the edge of the seat really makes me come close to forgetting outside thoughts. i think thats why they appeal. once i came close to telling good ol' jimmy bilbs about how i think like this. i was afraid it would lead to the depressed state that i live in and i'd end up with serious meds and help. its not for me.
i worry how people look at me. i think about appearance, how they act, if they trust, if they like spending time with, if they're physically attracted to me. i wonder what they think of me. overall? fake? good person? fun? thoughtful? respectful? asshole?
now i feel as if i am repeating former entries.
sean- i apologize for not mentioning you in my last entry. we havnt been really close until recently, but hot damn. i think youre probably the best at everything. fuckin 600,000 on the SATS, great at music (better than mark maybe, and mark is fucking great), frisbee like whoa. seriously built and healthy as fuck, and you have a crazy fuckin backyard. i dont think people top you. (it probably doesnt sound like much because i wrote it about everyone but i do mean it. i put some serious thought into us at the pond today. (TIME OUT: i dont like calling it the pond, it sounds degrading for such a place that means so much to me. TIME IN.) i was just firing off my thoughts and, to be honest, left you out of my last entry. NOT ON PURPOSE I SWEAR. anyways, youre comment made me think a lot and im pretty sure that we'll be good friends. youre already like one of my 12 closest. thanks man and im sorry i didnt put your name in where it belongs.
that being said. i have flown, and flying is addictive. i need more now. i have only one wing. but im going to the second one soon. and we soar like you won't imagine. 1000's of miles per hour and also able to hover completely still and in place. amazing. nothing short of infinite.
i read the catcher and the rye 2 times in the past week. its great and i want to be holden and i think we already have similarities. anyways i went to the dentist and asked the woman doing that cleaning thang if she had ever read it. i was curious to know. and she seemed shocked that i asked. i didnt say another word after the look i recieved.
i wish more people had read my last entry. if you could tell people to read it. i'd appreciate it. even if they dont know me. i think they should read to know about how great the people i talked about are and how i was feeling about me.
thank you.
-john-
ps- comment away on this one also!!!!!