tothosewhothinkofhimasfiguredoutandcomprehendable.
take the time to read this:
it was chilly today at the pond. he left the those who chose not to reply due to inconclusive thoughts. the water was perfect. it wasnt rough but wasnt calm, either. the sun was present but hiding in and out of the trees. he wishes he knew more. if he did then he'd know the name of those that fly up and down and come so close to the water but never touch. the water held the ripples like endless notes. they carried farther than possible and kept the beauty in every ring. '3 slashes' he says with the natural hand gesture brought on by instinct, alone, as he stares at the sky. he sits in the very spot. the very spot that he sits they stood so close not more than 2 days ago. he could talk but the meaning just can't be explained as more than cliche moments, so he chooses to keep quiet. they'd think him nuts, anyways for discussing it aloud to himself. and she doesnt notice him watching. her craned neck becomes hidden beneath the surface. she repeats and spreads the wings. they stretch far and its pure relief to stretch. its wrong of him to assign the gender when he knows it not. he traces the spot and lines himself with the shrubbery and trees. he guesses and sits in the middle of what he believes to be their location. what its like to fly. he craves her breath. he has the poets eye. not so much the special or dreamy eyes, but definitely those who watch the simplest and can see them in different lights; beautiful ways, and wonder why he thinks of it alone. an outsider's narration seemed best to describe my time at the peninsula today. i can't lie, i think of myself as strange to travel there alone and just take it in. it's how i do and it settles me and satisfies me. one time, andrew and i were obsessed with eminem and we walked the peninsula singing/rapping to a make-believe audience and we were infinite. i miss the innocent phase when i knew no better than to be me. my memory fails rarely and it holds so much. ask the closest. my mind holds just about everything and impresses those besides me because to me its normal. i act. i hate it but im so fake so often and sometimes i think back and truly can't stand who the "fake-me" is. for example, when i talk to tommy olson. i cant stand myself because i feel he has the following vision of me: loud, funny, wild, too-much to handle at times, the man overboard (who just overdoes things), and i cant change his view of me or others but its my own fault because i choose to hide. there will probably be no more than 5 people who understand this or even read this but im not even started. i chose to keep quiet but i have to explain. we drove that road endless times holding for the first. they took up the entire back and it bothered me. i can't hide or deny it and its my fault because i encouraged it. i don't think its possible for me to be mad at eric. he felt i was, though. im trying to explain. i pulled over at the rock and got out alone and it needed to be done. reason 1) she's taken and we were getting close and meanwhile i was just cutting into this boy's 'kool-aid.' it wasnt my place. i was just scared i was going to kiss her and it would have been awful for this kid that has done nothing to me. reason 2) they kissed and cuddled and held without avoiding or being immature. she was with me, though. she was shy and quiet and came close only when i pulled her to me. with him, they jumped at first sight with distinct intentions of attracting each other. that's just me sucking at life. she hid from me because i wasnt as good as he is. sometimes i get so jealous of my friends. i've said it before and have been told otherwise, but i dont believe. i have the most amazing friends. they are great. eric- flawless. amazing at everything he does. a beautiful appearance. he's just so caring and respectful. im pretty sure he would die for me. and he should know that i would do anything to keep him from feeling the slightest bit of pain. he holds the innocence that i crave. i sound ridiculous but seriously im so glad and lucky he puts up with me and is my best friend. joey d- what a character. always just wonderful. he's just really good looking and funny and fun to be with. mark- so good at life and having optimism. extremely handsome and fun. center of life in groups. really great at music (not just playing, but accepting all talent by performers) corey- like the rest he's good looking like whoa and he's cares about people perfectly. he'd be there for me always. and the reassurance is amazing to know he cares. gena- beautiful. isolated from all of us but still calls me from germany and we laugh and love each other. i cant believe she spends time with me. we've been through a ton and she is so perfect for me as a friend. theres beam and fudge, rory, merks, hilary (flat out wonderful, i could go for hours and hours), meghan (unbeatable), andrij, rachel, caitlin (who can't stand me and doesnt understand me but we were great), and so many others. i know im leaving people out and i apologize but, hot damn. everyone that im close to is amazing and so fucking great at life.
i can't compete. i hate it but love it. they are so great to me and its clearly not deserved and im so jealous but in a good way. i wish i could be someone better for them? sounds awful and depressed but its not. i just know they deserve someone as good as them from me and i can't offer it. now carly. shes just remarkable. i can't even begin. im scared shitless because its someone new and i know shes wonderful and easily as good as the other fantastics listed above and she's putting up with me. she'll see me and run for cover and shelter. no doubt. i havnt acted around her. and im glad because she actually knows me and sometimes i'm me around my friends. but not always and i can't stop myself but i can look back and almost see myself and say wow. you are just no match for these people.
its mothers day. my mom is amazing. she deserves a better son. i love her and i dont spend enough time with her. i suck at balancing everything out. she'd love to see more of me and i never take the time to notice that im hurting her by staying away. it sucks that i think about it on mothers day and feel awful that i can't be more for her.
i listen to music loud. i feel it better. i really live inside the songs. its awesome. my favorite feeling. i can forget me and my thoughts and just be with the music and those who travel the song with me.
im fine. really i am getting better at life. its about fucking time. but i love you all. i dont ever say it because im scared shitless of the word. it has so much meaning.
mark,jd,berm,c$,fudge,g-dogg,rory,peghan. seriously, thanks for everything.
hilary- you know how much you mean to me. im sorry im such a dick to you. we've been through so much and i wouldnt change any of it. i love you and want you to always remember us. thank you so much for helping me when i wouldnt let anyone come close. and we'll stay close and in touch, i promise.
kate- i owe you like 327846283746782364 'i love yous' because you say it all the time and i always think you say just for the purpose of closing our conversations, but seriously, i love you, kate. you've been with me for every second of my life and been through it all with me. we're a great team and always have been, through thick and thin.
my mom walked down in the middle of some of the last paragraph and i was crying. we just had a moment i'll never forget. she asked what was wrong. i said nothing because nothing is wrong. im fine. i got up and she was asking me questions but i wasnt listening. i just hugged her. today is the first day i can say i was a good son. i told her im sorry i fucked up and im sorry that we dont spend a lot of time together. i told her i wanted to stay home so she wouldnt be alone. i would stay to live with her if she asked but she'd never do it. we cried together. i said sorry for today. i got her shitty ass gifts with no meaning but she says she likes them anyways. she's amazing. i really do love her because she's been through so much and yet carries her head so high. she's lost her dad at 16 to suicide and been through eating disorders and depression and divorce and poverty to stability and raising children who arent as fucked up as they could be. mothers just dont come any better than her. they can't and i refuse to believe differently.
eric- i love you. i really hope we'll stay good friends even though we're parting. i'm going to miss you so much. i really am jealous of you and hope you notice your good fortune and not take it for granted. thank you for caring about me.
i havnt mentioned my dad. but he's the top of the dad list. he wrote the fucking list of good fathers. i grew up afraid of upsetting him. i pretended to have more soccer practices so i could leave his house early without having to tell him i wasnt happy there. he now would do anything for me. and im fucking it up because my mom and i are going to court to get more money from him for college. he'll hate me for it. but i love him.
i have so many fucking tears just built up and they arent stopping. i hope they dont. i feel good and free.
carly- fuck secrets. they arent as powerful as the open. im caring about you more every second and its scary as fuck. you know the feeling and i know you do. you seriously need to be careful with me. i'm fragile and im not stable. im a fuck up and oblivious to it sometimes. im a liar in certain cases because im scared to let people know the truth. ive been honest with you, though. believe me on that. i dont know where we'll end up but this weekend was amazing. flawless. everyone should know. i can't wait to live closer. i'd love to get to know you well. im observant and interested to know everything about you. im weak. full of heart. i cant match the caring of people around me, but i try. just give me a chance, please. i want a chance. i just want you to know who i am.
its mothers day. and im going to spend time with jennifer lynn because she deserves to be happier and i made her cry with me. she said its the best mother's day she's had. i gave her an oral card and she said she's going to miss me next year. im crying im so alone. sometimes i think its just better to be alone.
i really can't tell you how hard it was to type this and how much of an improvement it is for me. pushing the the 'update journal' button will be intense and harder than anything. if you read this and i posted it: comment. please.
it was chilly today at the pond. he left the those who chose not to reply due to inconclusive thoughts. the water was perfect. it wasnt rough but wasnt calm, either. the sun was present but hiding in and out of the trees. he wishes he knew more. if he did then he'd know the name of those that fly up and down and come so close to the water but never touch. the water held the ripples like endless notes. they carried farther than possible and kept the beauty in every ring. '3 slashes' he says with the natural hand gesture brought on by instinct, alone, as he stares at the sky. he sits in the very spot. the very spot that he sits they stood so close not more than 2 days ago. he could talk but the meaning just can't be explained as more than cliche moments, so he chooses to keep quiet. they'd think him nuts, anyways for discussing it aloud to himself. and she doesnt notice him watching. her craned neck becomes hidden beneath the surface. she repeats and spreads the wings. they stretch far and its pure relief to stretch. its wrong of him to assign the gender when he knows it not. he traces the spot and lines himself with the shrubbery and trees. he guesses and sits in the middle of what he believes to be their location. what its like to fly. he craves her breath. he has the poets eye. not so much the special or dreamy eyes, but definitely those who watch the simplest and can see them in different lights; beautiful ways, and wonder why he thinks of it alone. an outsider's narration seemed best to describe my time at the peninsula today. i can't lie, i think of myself as strange to travel there alone and just take it in. it's how i do and it settles me and satisfies me. one time, andrew and i were obsessed with eminem and we walked the peninsula singing/rapping to a make-believe audience and we were infinite. i miss the innocent phase when i knew no better than to be me. my memory fails rarely and it holds so much. ask the closest. my mind holds just about everything and impresses those besides me because to me its normal. i act. i hate it but im so fake so often and sometimes i think back and truly can't stand who the "fake-me" is. for example, when i talk to tommy olson. i cant stand myself because i feel he has the following vision of me: loud, funny, wild, too-much to handle at times, the man overboard (who just overdoes things), and i cant change his view of me or others but its my own fault because i choose to hide. there will probably be no more than 5 people who understand this or even read this but im not even started. i chose to keep quiet but i have to explain. we drove that road endless times holding for the first. they took up the entire back and it bothered me. i can't hide or deny it and its my fault because i encouraged it. i don't think its possible for me to be mad at eric. he felt i was, though. im trying to explain. i pulled over at the rock and got out alone and it needed to be done. reason 1) she's taken and we were getting close and meanwhile i was just cutting into this boy's 'kool-aid.' it wasnt my place. i was just scared i was going to kiss her and it would have been awful for this kid that has done nothing to me. reason 2) they kissed and cuddled and held without avoiding or being immature. she was with me, though. she was shy and quiet and came close only when i pulled her to me. with him, they jumped at first sight with distinct intentions of attracting each other. that's just me sucking at life. she hid from me because i wasnt as good as he is. sometimes i get so jealous of my friends. i've said it before and have been told otherwise, but i dont believe. i have the most amazing friends. they are great. eric- flawless. amazing at everything he does. a beautiful appearance. he's just so caring and respectful. im pretty sure he would die for me. and he should know that i would do anything to keep him from feeling the slightest bit of pain. he holds the innocence that i crave. i sound ridiculous but seriously im so glad and lucky he puts up with me and is my best friend. joey d- what a character. always just wonderful. he's just really good looking and funny and fun to be with. mark- so good at life and having optimism. extremely handsome and fun. center of life in groups. really great at music (not just playing, but accepting all talent by performers) corey- like the rest he's good looking like whoa and he's cares about people perfectly. he'd be there for me always. and the reassurance is amazing to know he cares. gena- beautiful. isolated from all of us but still calls me from germany and we laugh and love each other. i cant believe she spends time with me. we've been through a ton and she is so perfect for me as a friend. theres beam and fudge, rory, merks, hilary (flat out wonderful, i could go for hours and hours), meghan (unbeatable), andrij, rachel, caitlin (who can't stand me and doesnt understand me but we were great), and so many others. i know im leaving people out and i apologize but, hot damn. everyone that im close to is amazing and so fucking great at life.
i can't compete. i hate it but love it. they are so great to me and its clearly not deserved and im so jealous but in a good way. i wish i could be someone better for them? sounds awful and depressed but its not. i just know they deserve someone as good as them from me and i can't offer it. now carly. shes just remarkable. i can't even begin. im scared shitless because its someone new and i know shes wonderful and easily as good as the other fantastics listed above and she's putting up with me. she'll see me and run for cover and shelter. no doubt. i havnt acted around her. and im glad because she actually knows me and sometimes i'm me around my friends. but not always and i can't stop myself but i can look back and almost see myself and say wow. you are just no match for these people.
its mothers day. my mom is amazing. she deserves a better son. i love her and i dont spend enough time with her. i suck at balancing everything out. she'd love to see more of me and i never take the time to notice that im hurting her by staying away. it sucks that i think about it on mothers day and feel awful that i can't be more for her.
i listen to music loud. i feel it better. i really live inside the songs. its awesome. my favorite feeling. i can forget me and my thoughts and just be with the music and those who travel the song with me.
im fine. really i am getting better at life. its about fucking time. but i love you all. i dont ever say it because im scared shitless of the word. it has so much meaning.
mark,jd,berm,c$,fudge,g-dogg,rory,peghan. seriously, thanks for everything.
hilary- you know how much you mean to me. im sorry im such a dick to you. we've been through so much and i wouldnt change any of it. i love you and want you to always remember us. thank you so much for helping me when i wouldnt let anyone come close. and we'll stay close and in touch, i promise.
kate- i owe you like 327846283746782364 'i love yous' because you say it all the time and i always think you say just for the purpose of closing our conversations, but seriously, i love you, kate. you've been with me for every second of my life and been through it all with me. we're a great team and always have been, through thick and thin.
my mom walked down in the middle of some of the last paragraph and i was crying. we just had a moment i'll never forget. she asked what was wrong. i said nothing because nothing is wrong. im fine. i got up and she was asking me questions but i wasnt listening. i just hugged her. today is the first day i can say i was a good son. i told her im sorry i fucked up and im sorry that we dont spend a lot of time together. i told her i wanted to stay home so she wouldnt be alone. i would stay to live with her if she asked but she'd never do it. we cried together. i said sorry for today. i got her shitty ass gifts with no meaning but she says she likes them anyways. she's amazing. i really do love her because she's been through so much and yet carries her head so high. she's lost her dad at 16 to suicide and been through eating disorders and depression and divorce and poverty to stability and raising children who arent as fucked up as they could be. mothers just dont come any better than her. they can't and i refuse to believe differently.
eric- i love you. i really hope we'll stay good friends even though we're parting. i'm going to miss you so much. i really am jealous of you and hope you notice your good fortune and not take it for granted. thank you for caring about me.
i havnt mentioned my dad. but he's the top of the dad list. he wrote the fucking list of good fathers. i grew up afraid of upsetting him. i pretended to have more soccer practices so i could leave his house early without having to tell him i wasnt happy there. he now would do anything for me. and im fucking it up because my mom and i are going to court to get more money from him for college. he'll hate me for it. but i love him.
i have so many fucking tears just built up and they arent stopping. i hope they dont. i feel good and free.
carly- fuck secrets. they arent as powerful as the open. im caring about you more every second and its scary as fuck. you know the feeling and i know you do. you seriously need to be careful with me. i'm fragile and im not stable. im a fuck up and oblivious to it sometimes. im a liar in certain cases because im scared to let people know the truth. ive been honest with you, though. believe me on that. i dont know where we'll end up but this weekend was amazing. flawless. everyone should know. i can't wait to live closer. i'd love to get to know you well. im observant and interested to know everything about you. im weak. full of heart. i cant match the caring of people around me, but i try. just give me a chance, please. i want a chance. i just want you to know who i am.
its mothers day. and im going to spend time with jennifer lynn because she deserves to be happier and i made her cry with me. she said its the best mother's day she's had. i gave her an oral card and she said she's going to miss me next year. im crying im so alone. sometimes i think its just better to be alone.
i really can't tell you how hard it was to type this and how much of an improvement it is for me. pushing the the 'update journal' button will be intense and harder than anything. if you read this and i posted it: comment. please.