breaking down these walls... one brick at a time...
so a strange thing happened yesterday.
i witnessed to my mom. my mother.
my mom was driving me to an mcc orientation at the venice campus. out of nowhere, she starts talking about how "good" our family is because we're a "Christian" family. she keeps going on with this and i just felt a tug at my heart to say something. so i asked her if she really knew what it meant to be a "Christian."
now, to make it very clear, this question wasn't posed to be a derogatory statement of any kind. over the years, i've heard bits and pieces of how my mom came to be "saved." i've never heard her testimony from her own two lips, simply because i've never asked. but i've never asked because i don't think she can explain it... or that she will explain it correctly. you see, my mom is bipolar/manic depressive and paranoia schizophrenic. some people would automatically assume that her mental disorders would have a negative impact on me; in some ways they have, but not so extensively to the point that i have been mentally handicapped or emotionally abused. rather, when my mom was diagnosed a few years ago, it explained her behavior and answered some of my questions from my childhood about her; it didn't phase me, it merely cleared some things up. so for me to not ask how she accepted Christ as Savior is rational, to me at least. even if my mom did tell me her testimony, i think it would have been hard for her to describe, because she's korean. [although she's been in the US for 18+ years, she still has trouble with her words and grammar. i tend to have to repeat things for her in simple ways. and everytime i repeat something, i tend to dumb it down even more, and phrase it another way, so she'll understand.] or if she did describe it, it was just something she felt she had to do. or something that she just felt was "right," not a true conversion, you know? [i'm better at explaining this in person, i think.] i don't think she seriously understood what "salvation" truly was... or is, even now. but you'll understand more as you read.
anyway, back to yesterday. i asked her if she knew what the word itself even meant. she struggled to find the words to describe a Christian. she basically told me that someone who is a Christian is a good person; someone who goes to church, prays, does good things, helps others, is nice to other people, reads their Bible, attends church services and listens to the pastor's message, etc. everything she told me were obviously actions. her description made me feel another tug at my heart. i wondered [and still wonder] if she was truly saved. so i explained to her that a "Christian" is someone who is striving to be like Christ. the root word of "Christian," in fact, is Christ, so it makes sense. [i don't know if she actually caught on to that...] i also told her that living the Christian life was more than just doing "good" deeds, or being a "good" person.
i then asked her what sin was. and why did Jesus Christ come and die for us? she couldn't explain sin, but she said Jesus died because He loved us. i told her she was right, but why did He die for us? if He loved us, that didn't mean He had to die for us, right? He could've lived and loved us just the same. but He died for a reason. my mom couldn't answer; she just kept saying Christ died because He loved us, and He loved us so He died for us [called circular reasoning, which annoys me a lot]. so i told her He died because of our sin. He died so we could live and go to Heaven to be with God when we leave this temporary Earth. [at this point i felt like a Sunday School teacher. to me, these are the basics and i was stunned that my mom hadn't known all this before.] i proceeded to tell her that Jesus cleanses us of our sin so we can be with God; as sinners, we can't be with something so pure and perfect, something so sinless.
my mom, at this point, seemed to be taking everything in and understanding it, but the look on her face told me that most of it was going in one ear and out the other. and to tell the truth, it hurt. it really did hurt me inside. i was pained to see that my mom didn't know this. i was pained when i realized that my mom might not truly be saved. i've pondered this situation before, more or less over the past few years, but never before had i recognized how serious it could be... and how serious it is now.
i want my mom to be saved. i want her to go to Heaven. i want her to see God. i want to spend eternity with her. as much as she annoys me and tests my patience so much right now, i still love her and i don't want to see her go to Hell. the same goes for my brother. and my dad. i'm pretty sure my dad is a true convert, it's just right now he's gotten caught up in the things of the world. as for Justin... well, i could say the same thing, but honestly i don't know where he truly stands. he's kind of in the same boat as my mom. and i don't know how to bring him back. or my mom or dad. the worst thing about it... what scares me the most... is that i don't know. i don't know if that's something i can do. or if i'm the person to even do it. i'm praying that something happens or someone comes... just something. and i don't know when the last day, hour, or minute will be. my last chance to be with them. i just don't know.
so i guess right now the bottom line is that i need prayer. my family needs prayer. we're not a broken family or anything, but we definitely have some things to patch up and work on. i'm asking for prayer. and support. i know that God works in mysterious ways, and i know He's working right now. it's just so hard to be patient and wait to see what unfolds.
love ♥
i witnessed to my mom. my mother.
my mom was driving me to an mcc orientation at the venice campus. out of nowhere, she starts talking about how "good" our family is because we're a "Christian" family. she keeps going on with this and i just felt a tug at my heart to say something. so i asked her if she really knew what it meant to be a "Christian."
now, to make it very clear, this question wasn't posed to be a derogatory statement of any kind. over the years, i've heard bits and pieces of how my mom came to be "saved." i've never heard her testimony from her own two lips, simply because i've never asked. but i've never asked because i don't think she can explain it... or that she will explain it correctly. you see, my mom is bipolar/manic depressive and paranoia schizophrenic. some people would automatically assume that her mental disorders would have a negative impact on me; in some ways they have, but not so extensively to the point that i have been mentally handicapped or emotionally abused. rather, when my mom was diagnosed a few years ago, it explained her behavior and answered some of my questions from my childhood about her; it didn't phase me, it merely cleared some things up. so for me to not ask how she accepted Christ as Savior is rational, to me at least. even if my mom did tell me her testimony, i think it would have been hard for her to describe, because she's korean. [although she's been in the US for 18+ years, she still has trouble with her words and grammar. i tend to have to repeat things for her in simple ways. and everytime i repeat something, i tend to dumb it down even more, and phrase it another way, so she'll understand.] or if she did describe it, it was just something she felt she had to do. or something that she just felt was "right," not a true conversion, you know? [i'm better at explaining this in person, i think.] i don't think she seriously understood what "salvation" truly was... or is, even now. but you'll understand more as you read.
anyway, back to yesterday. i asked her if she knew what the word itself even meant. she struggled to find the words to describe a Christian. she basically told me that someone who is a Christian is a good person; someone who goes to church, prays, does good things, helps others, is nice to other people, reads their Bible, attends church services and listens to the pastor's message, etc. everything she told me were obviously actions. her description made me feel another tug at my heart. i wondered [and still wonder] if she was truly saved. so i explained to her that a "Christian" is someone who is striving to be like Christ. the root word of "Christian," in fact, is Christ, so it makes sense. [i don't know if she actually caught on to that...] i also told her that living the Christian life was more than just doing "good" deeds, or being a "good" person.
i then asked her what sin was. and why did Jesus Christ come and die for us? she couldn't explain sin, but she said Jesus died because He loved us. i told her she was right, but why did He die for us? if He loved us, that didn't mean He had to die for us, right? He could've lived and loved us just the same. but He died for a reason. my mom couldn't answer; she just kept saying Christ died because He loved us, and He loved us so He died for us [called circular reasoning, which annoys me a lot]. so i told her He died because of our sin. He died so we could live and go to Heaven to be with God when we leave this temporary Earth. [at this point i felt like a Sunday School teacher. to me, these are the basics and i was stunned that my mom hadn't known all this before.] i proceeded to tell her that Jesus cleanses us of our sin so we can be with God; as sinners, we can't be with something so pure and perfect, something so sinless.
my mom, at this point, seemed to be taking everything in and understanding it, but the look on her face told me that most of it was going in one ear and out the other. and to tell the truth, it hurt. it really did hurt me inside. i was pained to see that my mom didn't know this. i was pained when i realized that my mom might not truly be saved. i've pondered this situation before, more or less over the past few years, but never before had i recognized how serious it could be... and how serious it is now.
i want my mom to be saved. i want her to go to Heaven. i want her to see God. i want to spend eternity with her. as much as she annoys me and tests my patience so much right now, i still love her and i don't want to see her go to Hell. the same goes for my brother. and my dad. i'm pretty sure my dad is a true convert, it's just right now he's gotten caught up in the things of the world. as for Justin... well, i could say the same thing, but honestly i don't know where he truly stands. he's kind of in the same boat as my mom. and i don't know how to bring him back. or my mom or dad. the worst thing about it... what scares me the most... is that i don't know. i don't know if that's something i can do. or if i'm the person to even do it. i'm praying that something happens or someone comes... just something. and i don't know when the last day, hour, or minute will be. my last chance to be with them. i just don't know.
so i guess right now the bottom line is that i need prayer. my family needs prayer. we're not a broken family or anything, but we definitely have some things to patch up and work on. i'm asking for prayer. and support. i know that God works in mysterious ways, and i know He's working right now. it's just so hard to be patient and wait to see what unfolds.
love ♥