(no subject)
I've been feeling so crappy lately.
I keep thinking about going to Disney World last april with my class and I miss that experience more than I can say. I miss the way things used to be when all my best friends were here and I got to see them everyday. I hate that I took the fact that they were here all the time for granted.
I haven't talked to Kayla since the middle of December and I don't have any good reason for not getting a hold of her. I guess it's one of those things where you haven't talked to someone for so long that you dread calling them because it's going to feel like you're starting from scratch again kinda.
I read the book "Go Ask Alice" in about a day and it was a really depressing read.
I can't firgure out what I want to do for my major. I just want to know what I want to be and have everything taken care of.
I want to have a normal relationship with Andrew. I wish he lived here and all this time that we;ve been together had been normal. It's so strange not knowing what it's like to have my boyfriend call me and ask me to come over or anything like that. When I do get to see him, I'm always with him, and I'm either out of my comfort zone or he's out of his.
I've lost my motivation for school. I had a whole week to study for a Bio lab quiz today and I didn't even hardly look at the stuff. I foind out I got an 83.. but still, that's so far below my standards it's not even funny. Then I had a whole week to write a practive analysis on a short story (by Kate Chopin of all authors. She's one of my absolute favorites) that I didn;t even bother to do. It wasn't for a grade, but still. I'm the kind of student where if my teacher says "do this, it will benefit you", I almost always do it. But maybe not anymore.
And then another part of me thinks I'm pregnant. Now, I know this is impossible because the last time Andrew and I did anything that could result in me getting pregnant was before I got my last period. It's probably just because I feel so fat all of the time.
I haven't been exercising and I know I should be. I know if I would just start up my pilates again, my 20 minutes a day pilates, that I would feel 19384x better about myself. Maybe I have a body image problem? Because I know I'm not fat, people tell me how skinny I am, but I still think I'm fat. It sucks. Or maybe I'm just bloated... which I am.
And of course I'm writing this entry instead of writing my paper. I suck.
I just feel so empty. I feel so empty without my friends and my lover. I just want a good laugh and a big hug. I want to not take things for granted. Fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuck.
I keep thinking about going to Disney World last april with my class and I miss that experience more than I can say. I miss the way things used to be when all my best friends were here and I got to see them everyday. I hate that I took the fact that they were here all the time for granted.
I haven't talked to Kayla since the middle of December and I don't have any good reason for not getting a hold of her. I guess it's one of those things where you haven't talked to someone for so long that you dread calling them because it's going to feel like you're starting from scratch again kinda.
I read the book "Go Ask Alice" in about a day and it was a really depressing read.
I can't firgure out what I want to do for my major. I just want to know what I want to be and have everything taken care of.
I want to have a normal relationship with Andrew. I wish he lived here and all this time that we;ve been together had been normal. It's so strange not knowing what it's like to have my boyfriend call me and ask me to come over or anything like that. When I do get to see him, I'm always with him, and I'm either out of my comfort zone or he's out of his.
I've lost my motivation for school. I had a whole week to study for a Bio lab quiz today and I didn't even hardly look at the stuff. I foind out I got an 83.. but still, that's so far below my standards it's not even funny. Then I had a whole week to write a practive analysis on a short story (by Kate Chopin of all authors. She's one of my absolute favorites) that I didn;t even bother to do. It wasn't for a grade, but still. I'm the kind of student where if my teacher says "do this, it will benefit you", I almost always do it. But maybe not anymore.
And then another part of me thinks I'm pregnant. Now, I know this is impossible because the last time Andrew and I did anything that could result in me getting pregnant was before I got my last period. It's probably just because I feel so fat all of the time.
I haven't been exercising and I know I should be. I know if I would just start up my pilates again, my 20 minutes a day pilates, that I would feel 19384x better about myself. Maybe I have a body image problem? Because I know I'm not fat, people tell me how skinny I am, but I still think I'm fat. It sucks. Or maybe I'm just bloated... which I am.
And of course I'm writing this entry instead of writing my paper. I suck.
I just feel so empty. I feel so empty without my friends and my lover. I just want a good laugh and a big hug. I want to not take things for granted. Fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuck.