Vicious Aug 1999 Interview

Sep 06, 2011 22:48

excused_early linked me to this a few days ago on Twitter, and it's a pretty interesting/amusing/touching one so I decided to translate it despite its age (at the very, very start of his solo career judging by the concerts described).  Enjoy.

-Since May, Gackt has fulfilled a big promise, "I'm coming to see you all" by performing in stores across the country.  To start with, how do you feel about that?

"… I still haven't fulfilled all of it."

-What do you mean?

"What I promised was, that I'd return bringing a work you could definitely feel.  And then go to see everyone.  But although I did see some people this time, the majority of them weren't able to enter the venues.  I have to fulfil my promise to them, and that's not just in Japan, but overseas as well.  So I want to somehow do a concert around the start of next year, and I'm currently preparing along with my staff for that."

- So, your next big promise is a proper concert?

"Yeah.  Cause this time it'll be my turn to say "Welcome back" to everyone."

- "Welcome back"?  Oh, "Welcome back to this venue… my place", you mean?

"It's everyone's place.  Somewhere to return to.  I don't think that's everything , and I don't want it to be, but I hope that it can be a place to return to to them.  Up until now I had a band called Malice Mizer, and things were mixed up in and around that band.  But that had nothing to do with the fans, and from their point of view, it must have been disquieting to suddenly not have a place to return to.  Then I ended up alone… I'm taking action thinking about what I can do by myself, what is it that I myself can do."

-Is that so?  I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of concert it will be at the beginning of next year.  By the way, do you personally tend to keep promises?

"I wonder. (laughs)  I guess it depends on the promise?]

- Well then, can you tell us about a really wonderful promise, an important promise, or an unfulfillable promise you've had in your life up until now?

"There's no such thing as an unfulfillable promise.  Just because I haven't been able to do it yet doesn't mean I give up.  "Someday, for sure…" I say.  But one thing my friends laughed at when they heard was on Christmas Day when I said "I'll wait for you somewhere next to the station".  The person involved was a girl, and she didn't actually say she was coming.  And I forgot to set the time, but since I said Christmas Day, it was bad."

- Don't tell me you waited all day?

"The whole time.  It's laughable.  I left my house at 11am and arrived at the station at about 12 o'clock and stood there from then on.  In the end, the last train home left, and I waited until the very last train left."

- And the girl?

"Yeah, she didn't come."

- What was that day like?

"I thought a lot of things.  It was Christmas, right?  There were really a lot of people I could see getting off the trains.  Couples got off and passed by with such an amazingly happy aura.  There were also people on their own who looked so lonely.  The people who met in the morning went home on the same train.  But it wasn't just me who was waiting for someone.  Though there was no one else who waited the whole day like me (laughs), for an hour or two there was a girl standing near me.  She was annoyed.  Then she suddenly noticed me and was worried that I'd notice she was in the same position.  But even though I should have been thinking about myself,  I was strangely happy when the person she was waiting for showed up.  He was apologising to her.  I thought it was amazing to see that."

- But it must have been a long day.

I knew deep down she wasn't coming.  But it's not like me to decide not to go once I realized that, and I thought I'd go since I promised.  But it was really cold.  I mean, both my heart and my body were cold (laughs).  And there were no benches or anything there so I stood the whole time.  It's strange, but you think, what if they did come, right?  So when I ran out of cigarettes I didn't go to buy more.  When I wanted something to drink I didn't go buy it.  I didn't even go to the toilet.  All day, like that.  I thought that later I'd remember it as a funny story."

- Was that the most painful Christmas in your life?

"I wonder.  But then, I had a close friend who knew that I was waiting at the station like that.  It was YOU from my band who I'm working with now, but he came to get me.  When night came, he called and asked "How'd it go?" and I said, "She didn't come."  Then he said, "I'm coming to get you now".  But Christmas only happens once a year, right?  He gave up a day that only exists a few dozen times in a lifetime for me, right?  I was really happy it was him, but not because I didn't have a girlfriend.  We drove home like that, both silent inside the car.  It was mysterious.  But I remember it clearly, though he might have forgotten."

- So in the end, it wasn't so bad?

"Hm, I wonder.  But I was able to get something from it.  Even now when it gets close to Christmas I remember that."

- On the other hand, have you ever been hurt or shocked by someone not keeping a promise to you?

"There's been a lot of that (laughs).  Too many times to say."

- Out of those, what left an impression?

"Hm.  I usually, when I make a promise, I tell them to come around a certain time.  I tend to be late too, so I don't really mind if the other person is late.  But once, someone made me wait for 8 hours.  It was a guy, but I lost my temper, of course.  I promised to meet in such and such a place at 6pm, and ended up going there a little early.  Then, he didn't come even after the time we'd promised.  So I thought oh well and waited, but he still didn't come after an hour.  I started to worry about what had happened.  I thought something must have been up.  I couldn't get through to his phone and he still didn't come after 2 or even 3 hours.  But I thought he'd show up because we promised.  So after 8 hours I got through to his phone, and when I said "Hello" he answered like he was half asleep (laughs)."

- You waited that late at night.

"Yeah, cause I was worried.  I wondered if he'd been in an accident, or since he drank a lot, if something had happened while he was drunk.  So I felt like I shouldn't move.  But people are funny.  When I finally managed to call him after 2am, I was so happy to hear his voice safe and sound.  But the next instant… it was like there was a dam, and even though there was massive rage accumulating at the bottom of the dam, there was so much "water" of anxiety and worry on top of it that you couldn't see the bottom.  Then, the instant he answered the phone and I was relieved, it was like the floodgates holding it all back opened.  When the water that had been stored came out in a rush, all that was left was the rage.  So the instant I thought, "Thank God, he's okay", rage boiled up inside me and I yelled in Kansai-ben "Sonnovabitch!  What the fuck d'ya think you're doin?" (laughs).  It was incredible, I was yelling into my phone.  "Didn't ya realise you left someone waitin'?", I said, banging on the receiver- then the battery on my phone ran out and I couldn't use it so I went and bashed on a public phone yelling, "Get your ass out here now!".  But he said, "I'm scared and I ain't coming." (laughs)"

- So what happened between you and him after that?

"Yeah.  Even before that point, though not to the same extent, he'd done it to me.  So after that, when we were going to meet I told him, "Come to my house!"  Then I'd tell him, "If you don't come at this time, I'm not going to be there."  I decided I wasn't going to wait for him anymore.  But in the end I do, just by saying."

- You're tolerant, Gackt.

"But promises are of different weight to different people, right?  I always think that, if you've thought of all of this, and they just won't do it, isn't it an imposition?  There's something wrong with getting mad at the other person for breaking their promise on you.  Since I'm the one with the standards that caused the promise to be broken, maybe it's not just the other person's fault, it's mine too?  If you're going to get angry about it, it's not just at the other person, but also at yourself for only having standards of that level, I wonder."

- Aren't you being a little hard on yourself?

"But isn't everything like that?  Say my girlfriend cheated on me.  I'd definitely get angry, in real life.  But then there's me not being able to be serious.  In the end, if I myself had appeal, she should have been looking only at me.  I was deficient in something, or there was a part I lacked… The one who didn't notice that lack was me, in the end."

- But both sides of a couple have an implicit promise that they can trust the other.  Even if they break that, you still blame yourself?

"But what is that promise regarding?  For example, I think the concept of "going out" or "not going out" is strange.  Because you're going out with someone, you both become each other's possession?  That's not right, is it?  Because people have will of their own, they can't become a possession.  But most people create a delusion, and as soon as they decide they're going out they start to think of their partner like a possession.  Then, when they do something, it's like "Why are you like that?  Even though I do all this."  Even if we assume there is the act of going out in the world, it's still only whether I like my partner or not.  Then, if my partner is how I like them, and that situation continues for a long time, that's the greatest happiness.  But because what's important is my own feelings, I don't seek promises that are like owning my partner."

-Those societal promises, so to speak…Like morals and common sense, don't they exist?  It seems like there's a lot of those set things Gackt doesn't accept…?

"There are, a lot.  If we talked about that, I'd start speaking terrorism (laughs).  But isn't it weird.  Biker gangs are no good, but above the rooftops are low flying fighter jets.  We can stop one, but not the other.  In the name of the country.  It's bullshit.  We're taught that shoplifting is terrible.  But politicians and bureaucrats do corrupt things in the shadows.  It's probably that neither one is a good thing.  But the ones on top saying that it's bad are doing the same thing.  It's inconsistent bullshit.  Laws might be a frame decided by people in order to live easily, but, for example, there are people not satisfied with school rules.  Although they were originally created for the sake of the students, the teachers use them as a shield to restrict students, right?  But that's not only the fault of the teachers.  Because they don't understand that with the word freedom, responsibility comes as a pair.  Because there are a lot of teachers we can't teach the meaning of that to.  So it just becomes that we obey the rules for no reason, and if we ask why, we begin to oppose them.  It's difficult."

- Then what's the biggest promise you've made to yourself in your life?

"Not to lie to myself.  I will absolutely keep that."

- You've never broken it?

"No, not even once.  It's a heavy promise, but I think if I break it, I would destroy myself."

[translation]

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