april 15th, 2007; 3:46pm
today, max invited me to go see a movie with him and smoke beforehand and i really wanted to go since we haven't hung out in like two weeks. so i came home from tiana's house and my mom said she'd take me. i asked my parents for money for the movie and we got into this dumb fight where i was saying i'd rather have fun and enjoy life and die early rather than having a pointless life that i could never enjoy. then i was like, screw it, and went to go get my bag to hang out with max and when i came back, they were gone and they left their phones here. so basically, i totally broke down sobbing, and i was thinking how nice max is and i am such a bitch...there was no way i could call to tell him i couldnt meet him, and how i am failing at life, and i dont even know what it is that i want. i really hope that he doesnt hate me now although he has every right to. he is such a great friend and an amazing person and one of my few friends that i would never want to lose.
so then i was just like, fuck everything! i snorted some of those white and pink pill things which was really stupid, and i took two pills of vicodin and had wine which im drinking now. i really need to figure out what i want to do with my life and just take some action. i am actually looking forward to school next year, mainly taking french and photography. i think i might just finish this year with shitty grades and try harder next year. i think i may actually be able to find a nice balance between getting decent grades and still doing a bunch of stuff like using drugs and going to concerts, taking pictures, painting, travelling, and enjoying the life i've been given.
although this year hasnt been great, i feel like im really finding out who exactly it is that i am. i've lost some prominent friends like catherine and arica, but as i look at it, i realise that its really for the best. ive gotten the chance to bond with some really fantastic people like tiana, john, olivia, gillian, and max. i feel great about spending time with them because i feel like we really connect and they're not at all phoney.
this summer is also going to be incredible...i can already tell. i'm going to be able to get to know my dad's side of the family in the setting of a beautiful country. there are so many things i would like to talk to nana about, like design and what she used to like when she was my age (grandma loved to listen to the everley brothers) and to borrow her vintage jewelry. i also cannot wait to bond with dale (he's only a year younger than me) since we are so close in age and i've heard that he has good music taste.
now dont even get me started about italy's art and culture! this is going to be amazing.
i can feel those vicodins and wine having an effect on me. i hope max calls so i can explain what happened and of course apologize.