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so lately i'm not sure what's wrong with me. i don't feel myself. i don't want to go out with my friends. i'm getting upset about things that shouldn't bother me. i'm really emotional, and i feel on the verge of tears often. i sleep, a lot. it's only been this week. i'm really hoping that it goes away, because i'm tired of being sad. i'm in this place where things are good. my friends, my job. it's working well. but i don't feel happy. i've always told myself i don't need a boy to make me happy. i don't need to depend on somebody else for my own happiness, and that i'm better off alone. but this is the first time that i'm alone. normally i always have a boy that i'm talking to, hanging out with, being involved with. and for the first time in a while, there's nobody. sure i have those boys that are my friends. but since paul, i've just been alone. he still talks to me..when he wants what all boys want. and i choose to not be involved. i play along with his game, and i say yah maybe sure we could..but then i make up excuses and we don't see each other. i got so attached to him, so fast, because i was vulnerable. i met him the day i broke up with bryan..the only boy who genuinelly cared about me. i lost a piece of myself, and paul filled the void. and for some reason i can't seem to shake him. i try to make myself not care and i try to shut down, but i can't. we don't talk for weeks, and i'm okay. i get sad for a second, but i pick myself up. then something reminds me of him, or he texts me, and i'm back to feeling vulnerable. i know what he wants with me. he can try and tell me that it's something more, and he can pretend like he wants me for me..but it's not that. and i'm not stupid, i know this. but i let myself be taken advantage of by him. and for a second i'm happy. it happens, it's over, and i feel like he cares. he kisses me goodbye, and that's the end of it. two weeks later he's back for more. he says things in the moment to make me feel like he cares about me as a person. but if he cared..he'd want to spend time with me..just being with me. he'd want to talk to me everyday. he'd make an effort. i know deep down that he doesn't care. and getting involved with him was an awful idea, considering how strongly i feel for him. for the first time, it's just me. and i know that i don't need a boy to make me happy, but i feel empty. i feel like i'm not special, or important because there isn't a boy that wants me. it's embarrasing to think that i don't feel happy because i'm not getting male attention. maybe it's because of the way i grew up. i went for so long without recieving male attention, and approval. and then i got it. and for once i felt like i was okay. and i went from boyfriend to boyfriend, fling to fling. and now i'm just alone. the funny thing about this is, i genuinelly don't want a boyfriend. i'm terrible at being in relationships. i get jealous, i don't want to spend time with them because i'm upset, and i just shut myself off. they do nice things and instead of being grateful, i get annoyed because i feel like they're just trying to make up for something bad. and i can't handle someone constantly wanting to be with me. i feel smothered. but when i'm not getting male attention, and i see others who are..i get jealous and think wait, what did i do wrong? i think i just need to pick myself up, and move on from this place i'm in. i know i'm worthy, i know i'm important, and i know that i don't need male approval. hopefully i can deal with this, and be alright again.