This is intimacy
For many years I’ve shared my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with people, first via photocopied letters and newsletters and more recently, since I’ve become computer-enabled, via e-mail, journals, and blogs. From the beginning I’ve received some appreciative responses, some negative feedback, and enormous silence (no reply at all). Nevertheless, I’ve continued to write and to send my self-revelations on a more-or-less regular basis to family members, current friends, former friends, former lovers, people I’d like to get to know better, and anyone else who shows interest in reading them.
Lots of people have thought that my doing this is rather strange. I just put myself out there with no assurance of self-protection, reciprocity, or interest on the part of the reader. “Why?” I’ve been asked on many occasions. My reply has always been some form of, “because I want to provide all of you the opportunity to know who I really am; then you have the opportunity to either read what I say and to know me or not, as you choose.”
This morning I read something that I’d like to share with you. It is absolutely on target.
In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch says there are “two ‘types’ of intimacy:
“Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure. … This is what is often mistaken for intimacy per se. …
“Self-validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining his or her own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity. … One’s capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to one’s level of differentiation; that is, one’s ability to maintain a clear sense of oneself when loved ones are pressuring for conforming and sameness. Self-validated intimacy is the tangible product of one’s ‘relationship with oneself.’ …
“Other-validated intimacy ‘sounds’ like this: ‘I’ll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. … I’ll go first and then you’ll be obligated to disclose - it’s only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!’
“Self-validated intimacy … sounds quite different: ‘I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me - and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection - but I must face that possibility if I’m ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.’ …
“If you are willing and able to show yourself ‘as you are’ and call things as you see them - unilaterally - [others are] less likely to silence you because you’re not asking for anything in return - only the chance to say what you feel. Such a relationship can remain intimate even in times of conflict - like when one of you wants less intimacy than the other. [People] who aren’t dependent on each other’s validation to feel okay about themselves fuel their [relationships] with their unique strengths rather than their mutual weaknesses.”
Yes, without knowing the concept, I have been practicing self-validating intimacy. Restating one of Schnarch’s statements so that it more accurately fits me, “I want to know that you at least have the opportunity to really know me.” It is my gift, both to you and to myself. If you appreciate it, I am blessed. If you aren’t interested, I regret it. Either way, I’ve at least taken a unilateral step, a self-validated step, in developing intimacy with you.
Some people believe, as Schnarch points out, that intimacy is necessarily reciprocal and obligatory. “If I reveal myself to you, then you must reveal yourself to me in similar measure. If I comment about your message, then you must comment about mine.” I don’t share that belief. I reveal myself to you because I want to be known intimately. If you feel moved to reveal yourself to me, I’m pleased, and I admit, our relationship becomes deeper and more immediate. If you don’t, then you are less intimate with me and our relationship is less intimate as a whole, but I am still intimate with you.
One of the objections that some people have had to my journal/letters (and now blogs) is that they aren’t written personally to them. This is, of course, true. I am revealing myself intimately, but not personally with anyone. However, what I write in my open messages are things that I want everyone to know. They are things that I don’t want to repeat over and over again with each of the people I know. So, they are, in part, a major timesaving method. I also do write personally to some of my friends (and possible future friends). I have the advantage of being able to talk to them about things that are more personal to them, knowing that they also have the information from and foundation provided by my journal/blogs. I can focus on what’s most important with this specific person without repeating what I’ve already said to other people.
One of my great disappointments is that I don’t have more time available to develop friendships with people. (I’ll write sometime about my difficulties with prioritizing and time management. This is a big part of the problem.) Consequently, I write generally to a lot of people, and I write personally to (and comment about the blogs of) some people more than others. I feel deep regret that I don’t even write to the people I feel closest with often enough. Right now more than a few people come to mind who I want to write to personally and it’s been too long. I’m sure some of you know who you are. There are also several people I’ve met online who I’d like to become closer with personally. I haven’t taken the time to do that yet. I feel sad that I’m not doing as much as I’d like to be closer with these people. I’m going to do something to change that. In the meantime, at least everyone has my blog/journal messages.
Namaste,
Michael
Lots of people have thought that my doing this is rather strange. I just put myself out there with no assurance of self-protection, reciprocity, or interest on the part of the reader. “Why?” I’ve been asked on many occasions. My reply has always been some form of, “because I want to provide all of you the opportunity to know who I really am; then you have the opportunity to either read what I say and to know me or not, as you choose.”
This morning I read something that I’d like to share with you. It is absolutely on target.
In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch says there are “two ‘types’ of intimacy:
“Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure. … This is what is often mistaken for intimacy per se. …
“Self-validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining his or her own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity. … One’s capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to one’s level of differentiation; that is, one’s ability to maintain a clear sense of oneself when loved ones are pressuring for conforming and sameness. Self-validated intimacy is the tangible product of one’s ‘relationship with oneself.’ …
“Other-validated intimacy ‘sounds’ like this: ‘I’ll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. … I’ll go first and then you’ll be obligated to disclose - it’s only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!’
“Self-validated intimacy … sounds quite different: ‘I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me - and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection - but I must face that possibility if I’m ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.’ …
“If you are willing and able to show yourself ‘as you are’ and call things as you see them - unilaterally - [others are] less likely to silence you because you’re not asking for anything in return - only the chance to say what you feel. Such a relationship can remain intimate even in times of conflict - like when one of you wants less intimacy than the other. [People] who aren’t dependent on each other’s validation to feel okay about themselves fuel their [relationships] with their unique strengths rather than their mutual weaknesses.”
Yes, without knowing the concept, I have been practicing self-validating intimacy. Restating one of Schnarch’s statements so that it more accurately fits me, “I want to know that you at least have the opportunity to really know me.” It is my gift, both to you and to myself. If you appreciate it, I am blessed. If you aren’t interested, I regret it. Either way, I’ve at least taken a unilateral step, a self-validated step, in developing intimacy with you.
Some people believe, as Schnarch points out, that intimacy is necessarily reciprocal and obligatory. “If I reveal myself to you, then you must reveal yourself to me in similar measure. If I comment about your message, then you must comment about mine.” I don’t share that belief. I reveal myself to you because I want to be known intimately. If you feel moved to reveal yourself to me, I’m pleased, and I admit, our relationship becomes deeper and more immediate. If you don’t, then you are less intimate with me and our relationship is less intimate as a whole, but I am still intimate with you.
One of the objections that some people have had to my journal/letters (and now blogs) is that they aren’t written personally to them. This is, of course, true. I am revealing myself intimately, but not personally with anyone. However, what I write in my open messages are things that I want everyone to know. They are things that I don’t want to repeat over and over again with each of the people I know. So, they are, in part, a major timesaving method. I also do write personally to some of my friends (and possible future friends). I have the advantage of being able to talk to them about things that are more personal to them, knowing that they also have the information from and foundation provided by my journal/blogs. I can focus on what’s most important with this specific person without repeating what I’ve already said to other people.
One of my great disappointments is that I don’t have more time available to develop friendships with people. (I’ll write sometime about my difficulties with prioritizing and time management. This is a big part of the problem.) Consequently, I write generally to a lot of people, and I write personally to (and comment about the blogs of) some people more than others. I feel deep regret that I don’t even write to the people I feel closest with often enough. Right now more than a few people come to mind who I want to write to personally and it’s been too long. I’m sure some of you know who you are. There are also several people I’ve met online who I’d like to become closer with personally. I haven’t taken the time to do that yet. I feel sad that I’m not doing as much as I’d like to be closer with these people. I’m going to do something to change that. In the meantime, at least everyone has my blog/journal messages.
Namaste,
Michael