Modelland vs 50 Shades: The Battle
We've now read two books here at ohaidesk and both have been preeetty bad in their own way, but how do they stack up against each other when it all comes down to it?
The Protagonists
Maya: So, let's start with the main characters: Tookie vs. Ana
Ing: Well! What can we say. Both have the defining character trait of being bland. Or forgettable. Supposedly.
Maya: Yeah, they're both hideously insecure
Ing: Tookie is more cartoonish, though, but that fits into Tyra's whole universe in Modelland. All of it is outlandish so of course Tookie is outlandish in her specialness.
Maya: Whereas Ana suffers from the worst kind of "telling and not showing." We're told she's brilliant, beautiful and hilarious but we never see it
Ing: Truth. But she also has the classic Bella trait where she herself claims to be so plain and ordinary and then she's shaking all the male characters in the book off with a stick
Maya: At least Tookie is wholly original. Ana is so obviously a Bella knock-off
Ing: Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Yeah, Tookie is completely outlandish and cartoonish to the point of being difficult to relate to. but at least you'll remember her. Ana is just...nothing. And at least Tookie doesn't have an inner goddess
Maya: Or a subconscious
Ing: And she's not so whiny either. I mean, Tookie is a lot of things, but. I would pick Tookie. Like out of the two.
Maya: So would I. At least she does stuff
Ing: And to my surprise, Tookie isn't all that Mary Sueish. not really
Maya: It's funny how all of a sudden I actually appreciate Tookie. I never thought I'd say that
Ing: IKR. Hahaha. All the things I hated about Tookie only a few weeks ago, I almost kind of appreciate. In a way
The Love Interests
Maya: Okay, let's talk heroes now. Christian vs. Bravo
Ing: As in love interest y? Well, the first thing that strikes me is... Bravo isn't a stalker jerk
Maya: Hahahahahaha truth
Ing: Bravo's actually kind of nice all throughout, but the thing is. Bravo isn't really developed much, in truth. Christian has a lot of awful traits and a lot of over-the-top tortured backstory, but he's more developed as a character
Maya: It's true. Bravo is there to worship Tookie. Christian is at least integrated into the story and actually drives it
Ing: Just such a shame that I hate him so, so much
Maya: So true
Ing: I'd be stumped on this choice tbh. Like. yes Christian is the more developed character, but he's a jerkface that I hate. Bravo is a really nice guy, but he's not even a side character in the book, let's be real
Maya: Soooo, it's a lose lose situation here, eh?
Ing: I think they both fail monumentally in the making of these characters, but for different reasons. One is developed, but just all around unlikable. and the other is likable, but a shallow character. So yeah.
Secondary Characters
Maya: Okay, so now secondary characters
Ing: Hahaha oh god
Maya: Well, I think Tyra has to win on a sheer numbers game
Ing: That's true, she has a lot of side characters.
Maya: She has a LOT of characters and most of them are pretty distinct
Ing: Well, she does attempt a sort of world building that I at least can appreciate the ambition of, even if it fails in a lot of ways. She has a lot of characters from different worlds in her verse, but she seems to have a hard time keeping their voice constant. if that makes sense? And not just giving them a random, overdone accent, but keep their personalities straight
Maya: I agree. And she actually takes the time to develop some of the more important side characters. Whereas James gets around that problem by giving them no personality at all or just ripping the most obvious parts of their Twilight counterpart's personality
Ing: Yeah, her characters are very bleak and fairly shallow. 50 shades characters are bleak and shallow, but, I suppose... more consistant than the ones in Modelland
Maya: Well, it's not hard to be consistent when there's nothing distinguishing your characters
Ing: Hahaha this is depressingly true. I mean I at least have to hand it to Tyra for her ambition
Plot
Maya: Okay, plot
Ing: At least Modelland has plot! I mean it's batshit insane but it's there
Maya: That's what I was going to say. Fifty Shades' plot is all about the sexing. Modelland is at least something beyond that even if half of it makes no sense
Ing: And at least Tyra had some plot twists I didn't see coming. I mostly didn't see them coming because they came out of left field but still. And don't get me wrong... Modelland is ridic and it has plotholes that are as large as oceans. and the entire climax of the book is about someone else than the protagonist, but at least there is a climax of the book
Maya: The whole of the plot of Fifty Shades is Ana and Christian deciding if and how they want to fuck. I'm sorry, but that's not enough for a 400 page book
Ing: It really isn't and it certainly isn't enough for a trilogy, God help us
Writing Style
Maya: And writing style. Well, we've got Tyra with her batshit crazy writing and EL James with her hideously boring writing. I'm not entirely sure which I prefer, tbh
Ing: Oh god, well. Both are kind of forced, in different ways. EL James has this really stilted, really formal way of typing that is really odd. Because it's like... no one's inner dialogue is like an academic essay. And it's very bland. And it doesn't fit in with the quirks she's trying to give Ana with the inner goddess and whatever. It's like...she's trying to make Ana kinda quirky or something? But it doesn't work cause the writing is so formal. And then there's Tyra who is forced in the sense that she's using all these ridiculous words and acronyms and basically just making shit up as she goes. As one does if one is Tyra Banks. But at least Tyra's kinda fits her book? I guess? I mean, it's weird. and a tad off putting. And silly.
Maya: Yeah. her book is supposed to be over the top and she herself is completely batshit nuts
Ing: But at least it's unique
Maya: But EL James is supposed to be writing this romantic epic and jfc it's SO BORING
Ing: Yeah, I mean, jesus. Je...sus it's SO BORING. Modelland is weird as fuck, but at least it doesn't put me to sleep. Mostly. It's kinda slowpaced in parts but nothing compared to 50 Shades
Maya: Even the slow parts have more detail than all of Fifty Shades
Ing: Pretty much. I never thought i'd be praising Tyra Banks, at least not for Modelland
Maya: Hahahahah or for anything considering what she just pulled on Top Model
Ing: And I mean, Modelland is still far from what I'd call good literature. But at least it can be vaguely entertaining in a 'what the fuck is going on' kind of way. And she did sort of succeed in setting up this unique tone of her own verse which is something a lot of people don't really manage to do. EL James included
Maya: Haha yeah
If We Had to Choose
Ing: So if we had to choose? Desert island- you can only bring either Modelland or 50 Shades because someone hates you
Maya: Modelland, for sure. At least you'll be amused
Ing: Truth. It's not even a question really. I would pick Modelland 10 times out of 10
Maya: Same here, and I never thought I'd say that
Ing: LOL me neither