50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 24, 25 and 26
Believe it or not, friends, but we've reached the end of the line for 50 Shades. And yes, now you may ask yourself 'but how is that possible? When is something happening in this book?' and the answer is: never.
Maya: So Christian is even more of a dick and wakes Ana up at 5:30 am to "chase the dawn" and somehow, she's okay with that
“I want to chase the dawn with you,” he says, kissing my face, my eyelids, the tip of my nose, my mouth, and I open my eyes. The sidelight is on. “Good morning, beautiful,” he murmurs.
Ing: Yeah. And what follows is a really fucking purple description of them flying a glider over Georgia. This book should be call 50 Shades of Purple, let's be real
The sky has turned to a subtle opal, shimmering and glowing softly behind the sporadic childlike clouds. Dawn is upon us.
[...]
The plane banks and turns as the wing dips, and we spiral toward the sun. Icarus. This is it. I am flying close to the sun, but he’s with me, leading me. I gasp at the realization.
Maya: Ugh, it's so boring. I mean, it's like 20 pages for them to get there, get in the plane and actually fly and then they go to IHOP and feel each other up
Ing: And Ana feels the need to point out that it's dawn about 80 million times. IHOP is so sexy, u guis
Maya: Because, between the methheads, families trying to shovel in food as fast as possible and hungover college kids, it's super romantic
Ing: And in between all this Christian and Ana have the same conversation as they always do. You know, it fascinates me how they NEVER talk about anything else. They literally never talk about anything that normal people talk about like a regular conversation
Maya: They barely joke, they never discuss the news or politics or books or movies. They talk about fucking, who the other one has fucked and music. All in the most stilted and boring way possible
Ing: And if they talk about themselves it's always related to their ~damaged past~ or whatever. And every time anyone tries to talk, they just end up fucking. At this point I groan in frustrating every time one of their conversations end up with them fucking for the 80th time. After IHOP they...uh... well Ana goes home to her mother's and then Christian has to go home to Seattle on an ~emergency~
Maya: They were supposed to all have dinner together but Christian cancels. And her mom is still in love with them and Ana says she luuuurves Christian which, whatever
Ing: And they keep calling it The Situation. Then Ana goes back to Seattle and is nervous about Christian because he seemed upset and of course the remedy for this situation is not to talk, but to fuck 3 times
Maya: Uggggh they all ran together to be honest
Ing: yeah but the two first ones were...well...the same old same old. He fucks her in the bathroom, it's earth-shattering and life-changing, yadda yadda. And then the third sex scene is just out of this world insane
Maya: Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha yessss omg the music thing. I just...WHAT
Ing: I DON'T UNDERSTAND
Maya: Basically, he blindfolds and ties her up and puts headphones on her and then fucks her to music and we get to hear all about the music
Ing: He like flogs her in time with the music
Maya: IT’S SO WEIRD
Abruptly, the soft silent hiss and pop of the iPod springs into life. From inside my head, a lone angelic voice sings unaccompanied a long sweet note, and it’s joined almost immediately by another voice, and then more voices - Holy cow, a celestial choir - singing acapella in my head, an ancient, ancient hymnal
Ing: And the music is like a choir singing a hymnal! And then after he flogs her he fucks her and it's like... he builds with the dynamic of the music and I'm like...dude, I love music, but this is weird even to me
Suddenly, the fur is gone, and I can feel the fronds of the flogger flowing over my skin, following the same path as the fur, and it’s so hard to concentrate with the music in my head - it sounds like a hundred voices singing, weaving an ethereal tapestry of fine, silken gold and silver through my head, mixed with the feel of the soft suede against my skin… trailing over me… oh my… abruptly, it disappears. Then suddenly, sharply, it bites down on my belly.
“Aagghh!” I cry out. It takes me by surprise, and it doesn’t exactly hurt, but tingles all over, and he hits me again. Harder.
Maya: It's just so weird and contrived
He keeps going as the music reaches a climax, and then suddenly - the music stops. And so does he. Then the singing starts again… building and building, and he rains down blows on me… and I groan and writhe. Once again, it ceases and all is quiet… except my wild breathing… and wild yearning. For… oh…
what’s happening? What’s he going to do now? The excitement is almost unbearable. I’ve entered a very dark, carnal place.
Ing: YES that it! it's not even just that it's odd, it's the contrivedness of it. I think it probably could've been sexy as hell if someone with actual skills had written it, despite the oddness
I’m screaming inside… And as the number of voices in the choral piece increases… so does his pace, infinitesimally, he’s so controlled… so in time with the music. And I can no longer bear it.
“Please,” I beg, and in one swift move, he lowers me back onto the bed, and he’s lying on top of me, his hands on the bed beside my breasts as he supports his weight, and he thrusts into me,.as A the music reaches its climax, I fall… free fall… into the most intense, agonizing orgasm I have ever had, and Christian follows me… thrusting hard into me, three more times… finally stilling, then collapsing on top of me.
Maya: So then we find out Ana got the job at the small publishing group, of course. Oh, and we find out Mrs. Paedo's name, which is Elena. And apparently Ana thinks that's super exotic and foreign. SERIOUSLY
Ing: She's like OF COURSE ELENA IS ALL FOREIGN SOUNDING, OMG. And I'm like, foreign sounding?!
“Okay. In no particular order, I’ve only had long term relationships with four women, apart from Elena.”
“Elena?”
“Mrs. Robinson to you.” He half smiles his secret private joke smile.
Elena! Holy Fuck. The evil one has a name and its all-foreign sounding. A vision of a glorious, pale-skinned vamp with raven hair and ruby-red lips comes to mind, and I know that she’s beautiful. I must not dwell. I must not dwell.
Maya: It also allowed me to create and alternate reality in my head where Christian was turned by Katherine Pierce pretending to be Elena Gilbert and he's actually a vampire and compelling Ana to be a complete idiot. Sadly, that was a lot more interesting that what actually happens
Ing: Preeetty much. Am I the only one who finds it weird that we haven't heard anything from Kate in forever? I mean, I understand she went to Barbados, but gurl has a phone, y?
Maya: IDEK. I've given up trying to understand the logic of this universe
Ing: Anywayyy. We learn that all of Christian's other sub relationships ended because they 'wanted more' and he didn't. UNTIL NOOOOW, because Ana is a special snowflake. And then Ana finds Christian sitting at the piano bathing in his solitude and deepness and they talk by the piano. I find it odd how she's leaning her head on his shoulders while he's playing. How does that even work. Most people I've seen that play piano actually move their shoulders
He starts to play slowly and deliberately. I feel the movement of his hands in his shoulder as I lean against him and close my eyes. The sad, soulful notes swirl slowly and mournfully around us, echoing off the walls. It is a hauntingly beautiful piece, sadder even than the Chopin, and I lose myself to the beauty of the lament. To a certain extent, it reflects how I feel. The deep poignant longing I have to know this extraordinary man better, to try and understand his sadness. All too soon, the piece is at an end.
Maya: And she admits that she's in love with Christian and he flips out
Ing: Christian wants them to not sign the contract anymore BUT he wants her to follow it without signing and I'm like, what's the point of that exactly?
Maya: And we get to read it for the NINTH TIME. STOP PUTTING IT IN THE BOOK. JFC. WE'VE READ IT ALREADY
Ing: Like a million times, thanks. And Ana decides she needs to know "how bad it can be." So he takes her into the playroom and smacks her 6 times with a belt and it is HUGELY uncomfortable to read
“Four!” I yell as the belt bites me again, and now the tears are streaming down my face.
I don’t want to cry. It angers me that I am crying. He hits me again.
“Five.” My voice is more a choked, strangled sob, and in this moment, I think I hate him. One more, I can do one more. My backside feels as if it’s on fire.
“Six,” I whisper as the blistering pain cuts across me again, and I hear him drop the belt behind me, and he’s pulling me into his arms, all breathless and compassionate… and I want none of him.
“Let go… no... ” And I find myself struggling out his grasp, pushing him away. Fighting him.
“Don’t touch me!” I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he’s watching me as if I might bolt, gray eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs of my hands, glaring at him.
“This is what you really like? Me, like this?” I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.
Maya: Yeah, that was FUCKED UP. I don't even know how to respond to that scene
Ing: It was beyond creepy. Girl was freaking out. And she calls him ...idk... she calls him names and tells him he needs to sort out his shit if he likes seeing her messed up like this. So clearly, they're on different pages entirely
I have had my eyes opened and glimpsed the extent of his depravity, and I now know he’s not capable of love - of giving or receiving love.
Maya: And then she gets home and cries. Aaaaand the book ends. WE SURVIVED
Ing: Weeeeeell. first she cries in his bed for ages and they decide to break up basically? And there's like.... the most angsty and exaggerated tantrum I've seen since The Room
“Ana, goodbye,” he says softly, and he looks utterly, utterly broken, a man in agonizing pain, reflecting how I feel inside. I tear my gaze away from him before I change my mind and try to comfort him.
The elevator doors close, and it whisks me down to the bowels of the basement and to my own personal hell.
Maya: I'M SORRY, I'M TRYING TO HURRY THE END HERE
I fall onto my bed, shoes and all, and howl. The pain is indescribable… physical, mental… metaphysical… it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones. Grief.
Ing: OMG it angers me how this book doesn't follow any STORY TELLING CONVENTIONS. WHERE IS THE CLIMAX IN THIS BOOK EXACTLY?! NOWHERE
Maya: Ugh yeah, it just...ends. Which is partly another way you know it was fanfic because clearly it kept going
Ing: Yeah, I mean. it doesn't even say 'the end' it says 'end of part 1' so I mean, idk. it just doesn't make sense to not have any sort of climax of plot in the book, though. It just keeps going and going and never building towards anything and their break up with a bunch of purply prose about hell and devastation is just like...lol whatever
Maya: So this is how 50 Shades ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper
Ing: Ugh yeah, basically. I need more wine.
We survived, heeeey yo. More details on our next project and such things will come later.