50 Shades Darker: Chapter 19 - 22

[ohaidesk]

There's so little left of this book now that we did it in one big chunk! Basically, this is the home stretch of the second book. Aren't you excited?

Where we left off Christian's helicopter had gone missing and everyone wonders how this book manages to employ every dramatic trope in the history of dramatic tropes and still be so insanely boring.



Maya: So it starts off with Ana being super emo and reflecting on their ~short time together~ and praying Christian is alive omg and I pray he's DEAD and everyone is crying and praying and blah blah blah emo emo emo

he lump in my throat expands. Oh, Christian, you do, you do have a heart, and it’s mine. I want to cherish it forever. Even though he’s so complex and difficult, I love him. I will always love him. There will never be anyone else. Ever.

I remember sitting in Starbucks weighing up my Christian pros and cons. All those cons, even those photographs I found this morning, melt into insignificance now. There’s just him and whether he’ll come back. Oh please, Lord, bring him back, please let him be okay. I’ll go to church . . . I’ll do anything. Oh, if I get him back, I shall seize the day. His voice echoes around my head once more: “Carpe diem, Ana.”

Ing: The amount of emo wallowing in this chapter is completely ridiculous. I think El James uses the word 'agony' thirty times

Maya: But, of course, Christian walks in like twenty minutes later and he's fine of course. Somehow both his engines went out but he landed the plane and he and his business associate hitchhiked home

Ing: She couldn't even bother to give him a broken arm. Could've at least given us a hospital trip!

“Mom, I’m here.” I hear the consternation in his voice.

“I died a thousand deaths today,” she whispers, her voice barely audible, echoing my thoughts. She gasps and sobs, no longer able to hold back her tears. Christian frowns, horrified or mortified-I don’t know which-then after a beat, envelops her in a huge hug, holding her close.

“Oh, Christian,” she chokes, wrapping her arms around him, weeping into his neck-
all self-restraint forgotten-and Christian doesn’t balk. He just holds her, rocking to and fro, comforting her. Scalding tears pool in my eyes. Carrick hollers from the hallway.

Maya: Boooooring

“Christian, you’ve been missing. Your flight plan-you never made it to Seattle. Why didn’t you contact us?”

Christian’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “I didn’t think it would take this long.”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“No power in my cell.”

“You didn’t stop . . . call collect?”

“Mom-it’s a long story.”

Ing: So very boring. But of course this is supposed to show us how loooooved Christian is even if he doesn't think so. But no one cares obvs. THE BEST THING THOUGH is that he got a ride with some dude after he landed the helicopter. And he ~didn't have time~ to find a phone to tell his family that he is, in fact, alive because he has to hurry home to side-eye Jose because JOSÉ IS STAYING OVER. OMFG these people's priorities!!

"I’m sorry, Mom-I should have asked the driver to stop so I could phone. But I was anxious to be back.” He glances at José.

Oh, that’s why, because José is staying here. I frown at the thought. Jeez-all that worry.

Maya: OMG RIGHT. I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT

Ing: They're fucked in the head!

Maya: EL James has created the creepiest, most possessive character EVER

Ing: BASICALLY yes. And then there's 'omg you're alive' sex and it manages to be as boring as all the other sex

I make short work of his zipper, and soon his pants and boxers join the rest of our clothing. I stand and reach for the body wash and the freshwater sponge.

“Looks like you’re pleased to see me,” I murmur dryly.

“I’m always pleased to see you, Miss Steele.” He smirks at me.

I soap the sponge, then retrace my journey over his chest.

Maya: BUT NOT BEFORE SHE GIVES HIM HIS BIRTHDAY PRESENT. WHICH, I SWEAR TO GOD, IS A LIGHTUP KEYCHAIN WITH "SEATTLE" ON ONE SIDE AND "YES" ON THE OTHER. WHICH IS HOW SHE AGREES TO MARRY HIM. FUCKING WHAT. And then the next morning she goes to make him breakfast in bed in his shirt and Jose is down there AND EVERYTHING IS AWKWARD ESPECIALLY WHEN CHRISTIAN SHOWS UP AND IS ALL "SUP BRO"

*Note from Ing: We forgot to bring this up here, but I want to add it in so I'm just letting you know that Christian decided that he needs to ask Ray (Ana's stepdad) if it's okay if he marries her. And she's like 'ugh don't, it's not the eighteenth century' and he does it anyway behind her back so Ray calls her all panicked and she didn't get to tell him herself. FUCKING ASSHOLE, MAN. JFC. I will flip my shit. Anyway. Back to your regularly scheduled programming:

Ing: LOL but then they bond over fishing because all guys love fishing amirite EL James. Them being Christian and Jose XD. And then Ana decides it's time for more birthday presents after Jose leaves *waggles eyebrows*

Maya: OMG IT'S EVERYTHING I WANTED IN THIS BOOK

Ing: people are going to side-eye you so hard now

Maya: WELL, FIRST HE GETS A MODEL HELICOPTER TO BUILD. AND THEN ANA GIVES HIM A BOX WITH NIPPLE CLAMPS, A BUTT PLUG AND THE KEY TO THE PLAYROOM. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS- IT'S TIME FOR CHRISTIAN TO CLAIM HER ASS

“Anastasia, these objects.” He holds up the butt plug. “This is a size too big. As an anal virgin, you don’t want to start with this. We want to start with this.” He holds up his pinky finger, and I gasp, shocked. Fingers . . . there?

Oh, so she wants to be fucked in the ass, but she's completely flummoxed by the idea of a pinky finger in there? LOL gurl.

Ing: OMG the best thing about this is... the way they do this makes no sense. If you're gonna do anal, wouldn't it make sense to like jsut focus on that and not do a million other things? Basically he like adds nipple clamps and a vibrator into her vagina and then starts fingering her ass. IT JSUT SOUNDS TOTALLY OVERWHELMING. Why would you do that!

I moan and my restrained nipples swell.

“Ah.”

“Hush now.” Christian removes his fingers and slides the object into me. He cups my face and kisses me, his mouth invading mine, and I hear a very faint click. Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate- down there! I gasp. The feeling is extraordinary-beyond anything I’ve felt before.

“Ah!”

“Easy,” Christian calms me, stifling my gasps with his mouth. His hands move down and tug very gently on the clamps. I cry out loudly.

“Christian, please!”

“Hush, baby. Hang in there.”

This is too much-all this overstimulation, everywhere. My body starts to climb, and on my knees, I’m unable to control the buildup. Oh my . . . Will I be able to handle this?

“Good girl,” he soothes.

“Christian,” I pant, sounding desperate even to my own ears.

“Hush, feel it, Ana. Don’t be afraid.” His hands are now on my waist, holding me, but I can’t concentrate on his hands, what’s inside me, and the clamps, too. My body is building, building to an explosion-with the relentless vibrations and the sweet, sweet torture of my nipples. Holy hell. It will be too intense.

“So beautiful,” he murmurs and suddenly he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me . . . there! Into my backside. Fuck. It feels alien, full, forbidden . . . but oh . . . so . . .
good. And he moves slowly, easing in and out, while his teeth graze my upturned chin.

Maya: AND I LOVE EVERY WORD OF IT BECAUSE IT MAKES ZERO SENSE AND EVERYTHING IS RIDICULOUS AND NOTHING HURTS. WHAT HAS THIS BOOK DONE TO ME

Ing: LOL everytime I read one of these sex scenes I start laughing because I think about all these people reading this with a serious face. This shit doesn't even work.

Maya: And being all "OMG this is so hot" and I'm like "LOL THIS SOUNDS TERRIBLE"

Ing: It was just... I can't even. If you're gonna try anal for the first time even if it's just fingering why are you adding nipple clamps and vibrators, as if being fingered in the ass for the first time isn't overwhelming enough.

“Hey,” he breathes, clasping my head in his hands, gazing down at me. He’s still inside me. “Why are you crying?” His voice is filled with concern.

“Because I love you so much,” I whisper. He half-closes his eyes as if drugged, absorbing my words. When he opens them again, they blaze with his love.

“And I you, Ana. You make me . . . whole.” He kisses me gently as Roberta Flack finishes her song.

Maya: And then after their sexytimes, Ana decides to go out grocery shopping or something in a sundress AND CHRISTIAN TELLS HER TO GO PUT ON MORE CLOTHES SO THE MENFOLK WON'T SEE HER LEGS. SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG

“That dress is very short,” he adds.

“You like it?” I give him a quick twirl. It’s one of Caroline Acton’s purchases. A soft turquoise sundress, probably more suitable for the beach, but it’s such a lovely day on so many levels. He frowns and my face falls.

“You look fantastic in it, Ana. I just don’t want anyone else to see you like that.”
[...]
“I’m just heading to the store to pick up some ingredients.”

“Okay.” He frowns at me.

“What?”

“You going to put some jeans on or something?”

Oh, come on. “Christian, they’re just legs.”

He gazes at me, unamused. This is going to be a fight. And it’s his birthday. I roll my eyes at him, feeling like an errant teenager.

Ing: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I want to stab him in the leg. Fucking creepy controlling asshole

Maya: That's one step away from "If you dress like that, you're asking for it." FUCKING NO

Ing: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. And she runs off in the dress and then she gets a panic attack, basically, cause she's afraid he'll be pissed and she said yes to living the rest of her life like that. Giiiiiirl.

Maya: And then they go to his birthday party at his parent's house

Ing: Kate corners them the moment they get there, right

Maya: With a print-out

Ing: Of their emails

Maya: About the contract that she found in Christian's jacket? WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

Ing: Because Christian is a dumbfuck who printed them out because WHY?! if he was gonna like jerk off to them or something, leave them on the computer omfg. And she corners them together, right, and she's like ARE YOU OKAY ANA ARE YOU OKAY and I'm like... if he was an abusive asshole (which he is) why would you ask her in front of him. Of course she's not gonna say anything

Maya: So Ana assures her it's all consensual in the least enthusiastic way possible and Christian says their engaged in the weirdest way possible

“Ana has consented to be my wife, Katherine,” he says quietly.

Ing: LOL HE DOES. 'Consented to be my wife' sounds like the least enthusiastic way of accepting a proposal ever

Maya: It's all so meh. So they finally go to the party and basically everyone is there, including Mrs. Paedo and Dr. Flynn, who has gotten even MORE British

Ing:LOL EL James made a cricket reference for fuck's sake

Maya: SHE'S FUCKING BRITISH. SHE SHOULD KNOW THIS ISN'T HOW PEOPLE SPEAK

Ing: Right?! How do you misrepresent British people when you ARE British. That takes some fucking talent. No wonder she didn't set this book in Britain

Maya: So they tell everyone and there's champagne and cheering etc. etc. And Ana wanders off and Mia finds her and is all "I WANT TO JUMP KATE'S BROTHER'S BONES BUT HE SAYS NO SINCE IT'S LIKE INCEST"

“Look, that sounded all wrong. He doesn’t want to date because his sister is going out with my brother. You know-he thinks it’s all kind of incestuous. But I know he likes me. What can I do?”

Ing: Hahahaha and everyone else ever is like 'no how is that incest wtf is going on'

Maya: And Ana's like "Take it slow!" and they LOL and she drinks some of a lemon martini or something. And Elena comes over and starts being a RAGING BITCH. SO ANA THROWS THE DRINK IN HER FACE AND CHRISTIAN COMES AND THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THEM FUCKING WHEN HE WAS 15 AND HIS MOM HEARS AND EVERYTHING IS A SOAP OPERA

“I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate.” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.
“I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.”

She arches an eyebrow. I think she’s impressed.

“I wouldn’t have thought of you as a worthy adversary, Anastasia. But you surprise me at every turn.”

“I haven’t thought of you at all,” I lie, coolly. Christian would be proud. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have much better things to do than waste my time with you.”

“Not so fast, missy,” she hisses, leaning against the door, effectively blocking it. “What on earth do you think you’re doing, consenting to marry Christian? If you think for one minute you can make him happy, you’re very much mistaken.”

Ing: Hahahahha negl it pissed me off cause Ana's been going on and on about how Mrs Robinson/Elena is so terrible and how can Christian be her friend omg omg. and then it turns out Elena gets angry cause ~she~ wants to marry Christian. So of course Ana has been ~right~ about Mrs Robinson all along. Which makes me fucking angry tbh cause why does Ana always ahve to be right about everything. Mary Sue ughughugh, Christian's mother SLAPS Mrs Robinson, though, and throws her out

Elena’s eyes widen in alarm, and Grace slaps her hard across the face, the sound of the impact resounding off the walls of the dining room.

“Take your filthy paws off my son, you whore, and get out of my house-now!” she hisses through gritted teeth.

Elena clutches her reddening cheek and stares in horror for a moment, shocked and blinking at Grace.

Maya: ~DRAMA~

Ing: It's like I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful tbqh

Maya: And then they sneak off to the boathouse and he proposes AGAIN and gives her a huge ass ring and they go to have sex again. AND THEN IT SWITCHES TO JAMES'JACK'S PERSPECTIVE WITH HIM SWEARING REVENGE ON THEM ~DUN DUN DUN~

Ing: HAHAHA OMG that ending is so ridiculous. It's like there's a full-out Disney villain twirling his mustache and singing.

Maya: I LOVE IT SFM. AND WE'RE DONE. 2/3RDS OF THE WAY THROUGH THIS MONSTROSITY

Ing: Now click play on the song below and then read the ending to this chapter:

Click to view

The cigarette end glows brightly in the darkness as he takes a deep pull. He blows the smoke out in a long exhale, finishing with two smoke rings that dissolve in front of him, pale and ghostly in the moonlight. He shifts in his seat, bored, and takes a quick shot of cheap bourbon from a bottle wrapped in shabby brown paper before resting it back between his thighs.

He can’t believe he’s still on the trail. His mouth twists in a sardonic sneer. The helicopter had been a rash and bold move. One of the most exhilarating things he’d ever done in his life. But to no avail. He rolls his eyes ironically. Who would have thought the son-of-a-bitch could actually fly the fucker?

He snorts.

They have underestimated him. If Grey thought for one minute he’d go whimpering quietly into the dusk, that prick didn’t know jack shit.

It had been the same all his life. People constantly underestimating him-just a man who reads books. Fuck that! A man with a photographic memory who reads books. Oh, the things he’s learned, the things he knows. He snorts again- Yeah, about you, Grey. The things I know about you.

Not bad for a kid from the gutter end of Detroit.

Not bad for the kid who won a scholarship to Princeton.

Not bad for the kid who worked his ass off through college and got into publishing.

And now all of that’s fucked, fucked because of Grey and his little bitch. He scowls at the house as if it represents everything he despises. But there’s nothing doing. The only drama had been the stacked, blond broad in black, teetering down the driveway in tears before she climbed into the white CLK and fucked off.

He chuckles mirthlessly, then winces. Fuck, his ribs. Still sore from the swift kicking Grey’s henchman delivered.

He replays the scene in his mind. “You fucking touch Miss Steele again, I’ll fucking kill you.”

That motherfucker will get it good, too. Yeah-get what’s coming to him.

He settles back in his seat. Looks like it’s going to be a long night. He’ll stay, watch, and wait. He takes another toke of his Marlboro red. His chance will come. His chance will come soon.