50 Shades Darker: Chapter 17 and 18
Look who's back to inject more horror into your lives! Consider it our very gracious gift to you. We're so giving. We're always watching over you, like the patron saints of terrible erotica.
He moves his finger in time with his kisses as his lips journey leisurely across my clavicle and then down to my breast. He torments first one, then the other nipple with teeth and lips, but oh-so-gently, and they tighten and lengthen in sweet response.
I groan.
“Hmm,” he growls softly and raises his head to give me a blazing gray-eyed look. “I want you now.”
Ing: It definitely starts with them having really boring sex again, which is definitely nothing new in this book. Lots of purply crap
Maya: I think she fades to black at some point, which is new
Ing: And then, at some point in the chapter, we find out that the company offers Jack's now vacated position as editor to Ana. TO ANA. She's been working there for TWO WEEKS
Maya: EVEN THOUGH THEY ALL SAY, REPEATEDLY, THAT SHE'S BARELY WORKED THERE AT ALL. LIKE A WEEK
“His rather hasty departure has left a vacancy, and we’d like you to fill it for now, until we find a replacement.”
What? I feel the blood rush from my head. Me?
“But, I’ve only been here for a week or so.”
“Yes, Anastasia, I understand but Jack was always a champion of your abilities. He had high hopes for you.”
I stop breathing. He had high hopes of getting me on my back, sure.
“Here’s a detailed job description. Have a good look through it, and we can discuss it later today.”
“But-”
“Please, I know this is sudden, but you’ve already made contact with Jack’s key authors. Your chapter notes haven’t gone unnoticed by the other commissioning editors. You have a shrewd mind, Anastasia. We all think you can do it.”
Ing: LMAO it's so ridiculous I cannot. Imagine all the other people who work there (although they never mention that many except the receptionist)
Maya: Even Christian's all "LOL, YEAH RIGHT BB. YOU'VE BARELY WORKED THERE"
Ing: Ana, too, is like 'but I've only worked here for like 2 weeks idk what to do!' and the boss or whatever is like 'haahaha you'll be fine'
Maya: She's like "WE'VE BEEN READING YOUR REPORTS" and I'm like "....really?"
Ing: YOUR REPORTS ARE SO GOOD. How many reports has she managed to write in a week or whatever? So far we've only seen her make photocopies
Maya: Oh, and get hit on/almost raped by her boss and wear super expensive clothing Christian bought her
Ing: And bring a lot of hot guys by the reception area so that the receptionist always keeps commenting on how hot everyone Ana knows is. Then we go on to Ana meeting Dr Flynn, Christian's psychiatrist, right? Who is again emphasised to be TERRIBLY BRITISH. He's two seconds away from morphing into John Cleese with a monocle. And I guess, at this point we get a ton of infodumping about Christian's issues and what aren't issues. and Dr Flynn goes on and on about how Christian isn't a sadist cause it's not used as a psychological term anymore which confuses me cause I'm pretty sure you can sexually be sadist, it's jsut that it's not considered a psychological condition
Maya: And he weirdly decides to use a lot of psychological lingo on her. Like, he's a CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST talking to someone he knows is AN ENGLISH MAJOR
Ing: Riiight. and he spouts all these things and then he's like “LOL OH SILLY ME WITH ALL MY WORDS” *monocle*
Maya: HE IS THE WORST PSYCHOLOGIST SINCE PETER
Dr. Flynn sighs. “Ana, in the very limited time that you’ve known him, you’ve made more progress with my patient than I have in the last two years. You have had a profound effect on him. You must see that.”
“He’s had a profound effect on me, too. I just don’t know if I’m enough. To fulfill his needs,” I whisper.
“Is that what you need from me? Reassurance?”
I nod.
“Needs change,” he says simply. “Christian has found himself in a situation where his methods of coping are no longer effective. Very simply, you’ve forced him to confront some of his demons and rethink.”
Ing: PETER IS WAY BETTER THAN THIS HACK LBR. BUT THEY BOTH HAVE GLASSES. BECAUSE PSYCHOLOGISTS ALWAYS HAVE GLASSES
Maya: EXCEPT DR. FLYNN'S GLASSES ARE PROBABLY TWO MONOCOLES AND THEY KEEP FALLING OUT
Ing: Clearly they fall into his tea
Maya: I like this fanfic we've written here. much more entertaining than the actual book
Ing: Totally. The rest of chapter 17 is basically just them talking about Christian's issues and no one cares, basically
“In a nutshell, he’s not a sadist, Ana. He’s an angry, frightened, brilliant young man, who was dealt a shit hand of cards when he was born. We can all beat our breasts about it, and analyze the who, the how and the why to death-or Christian can move on and decide how he wants to live. He’d found something that worked for him for a few years, more or less, but since he met you, it no longer works. And as a consequence, he’s changing his modus operandi. You and I have to respect his choice and support him in it.”
I gape at him. “That’s my reassurance?”
“As good as it gets, Ana. There are no guarantees in this life.” He smiles. “And that is my professional opinion.”
Maya: It's really, really boring. And Ana is all "oh I'm so ugly" and he's all "You're gorgeous LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES"
Ing: And theeeen Christian takes her on a roadtrip! And angels descend and there's harp music. No, not really, it's all really boring and Ana is fucking stupid. And they go to this neighbourhood with lots of fancy houses and Ana keeps being like OH MY I WONDER WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE. WHAT COULD WE BE DOING IN THIS FANCY NEIGHBOURHOOD. ARE WE VISITING SOMEONE? I AM SO CONFUNDED
The lane curves around and opens into a sweeping driveway in front of an impressive Mediterranean-style house of soft pink sandstone. It’s palatial. All the lights are on, each window brightly illuminated in the dusk. There’s a smart, black BMW parked in front of the four-car garage, but Christian pulls up outside the grand portico.
Hmm . . . I wonder who lives here? Why are we visiting?
Maya: ANA IS THE DEFINITION OF "TOO STUPID TO LIVE"
Ing: Seriously. And he takes her to this giant 'mediterranean-style' house as she calls it and it's empty AND SHE STILL DOESN'T GET IT. And get this: the house… has a meadow
Maya: OOOOH YES IT DOES AND A VIEW OF THE WATER THAT ALLOWS EL JAMES TO FLEX HER PURPLE PROSE MUSCLES. The purple is STRONG with this one
Below us there’s half a football field of manicured lawn, but beyond that is the view. Wow.
The panoramic, uninterrupted vista is breathtaking-staggering even: twilight over the Sound. Oh my.
In the distance lies Bainbridge Island, and further still on this crystal clear evening, the setting sun sinks slowly, glowing blood and flame orange, beyond Olympic National Park. Vermillion hues bleed into the sky-opals, aquamarines, ceruleans-melding with the darker purples of the scant wispy clouds and the land beyond the Sound. It is nature’s best, a visual symphony orchestrated in the sky and reflected in the deep, still waters of the Sound. I am lost to the view-staring, trying to absorb such beauty.
Ing: I mean, basically, Christian is buying the house and asking Ana if she likes it because it seems like the most logical step to take after a 1 1/2 month relationship
Maya: Well, he's buying the house to knock it down and build an "eco-friendly self-sustaining" house. BITCH, PLEASE I CAN'T WITH YOUR FUCKING GARY STU RN
Ing: And Ana keeps going on and on about how huge the house is and the grounds. And whatever.
The house is enormous: twelve thousand square feet on six acres of land. As well as this main living room, there’s the eat-in-no, banquet-in-kitchen with family room attached- Family! -a music room, a library, a study and, much to my amazement, an indoor pool and exercise suite with sauna and steam room attached. Downstairs in the basement there’s a cinema- Jeez-and game room. Hmm . . . what sort of games could we play in here? Miss Kelly points out all sorts of features, but basically the house is beautiful and was obviously at one time a happy family home. It’s a little shabby now, but nothing that some TLC couldn’t cure.
Maya: And she convinces him not to knock it down and see if they can just convert it as is. Fuck, I don't give a shit
Ing: And she's like ARE YOU GONNA SELL THE ESCALA APARTMENT NOW? AND HE'S LIKE LOL BITCH I'M RICH
Maya: AND SHE'S ALL "I NEVER WANTED TO BE RICH" AND HE'S ALL "GET USED TO IT, HO." Wow, we're big on the slurs today
Ing: It brings it out of us. Oops. I especially love the part where she goes 'I never aspired to be rich' cause EL James is clearly trying to build Ana as a character who's so humble and unassuming and doesn't want lavish gifts, but at the same time she keeps gushing about all the shit he has and how rich he is
Maya: Oh, and then they go for dinner at his club. Which is classily named the "Mile High Club"
Ing: ONE OF HIS CLUBS. Because he has several, obviously
Maya: OH RIGHT, SORRY
Celebrate what, the house?”
“Have you forgotten already? Your acting editor role.”
“Oh yes.” I grin. Unbelievably, I had forgotten.
“Where?”
“Up high at my club.”
“Your club?”
“Yes. One of them.”
The Mile High Club is on the seventy-sixth floor of Columbia Tower, higher even than Christian’s apartment. It’s very now and has the most head-spinning views over Seattle.
Ing: You know, I've said before that I never understood why people like this book, but I get it now. I get why it sells so much. It's basically self-insert fic. It's some bland female dumbass character that all the dumbass people can just insert themselves in and then this super hot, super rich guy will lavish them with attention and gifts and houses and all this shit and they can pretend for 3 hours that their lives don't suck
Maya: Well, that's not surprising considering how much of a self-insert Bella was in Twilight. Of course a fanfic of it will ramp up the insert-ness of it
Ing: Yeah, true! and this just takes it full out with the completely shameless overflow of luxury and how all the girls we meet are ALWAYS described as gushing over Christian but he's ANA's (strikethrough, I mean YOURS)
Maya: So they have a fucking absurd dinner where Ana goes commando and slurps oysters and fellates asparagus and this is supposed to be OMG HAWT
Ing: LOL yep. so erotic. She eats an asparagus and then moans and Christian is all tuurned ooon
“I know what you’re doing.” His voice is low and husky.
“I know that you know, Mr. Grey,” I reply softly. “That’s the point.” I pick up an asparagus stalk, gaze sideways at him from beneath my lashes, then dip the asparagus into the hollandaise sauce, swirling the tip round and round.
“You’re not turning the tables on me, Miss Steele.” Smirking he reaches over and takes the spear from me-amazingly and annoyingly managing not to touch me again. No, this isn’t right-this is not going according to plan. Gah!
“Open your mouth,” he commands.
I am losing this battle of wills. I glance up at him again, and his eyes blaze bright gray.
Parting my lips a fraction I run my tongue across my lower lip. Christian smiles and his eyes darken further.
Maya: And then they leave and he fingers her in an elevator full of people. CLASSY
Ing: I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING? She's like oooh this is so secret and he's touching me under the dress blabla but he's like full out fingering her, like how the fuck do you do that without being painfully obvious
We halt again at the forty-fourth floor. Oh . . . how long is this torture going to continue? In . . . out . . . in . . . out . . . Subtly I grind myself against his persistent finger. After all this time of not touching me, he chooses now! Here! And it makes me feel so-wanton.
“Hush,” he breathes, seemingly unaffected as yet two more people come aboard. The elevator is getting crowded. Christian moves us both farther back so that we’re now pressed into the corner, holding me in place and torturing me further. He nuzzles my hair. I’m sure we look like a young couple in love, canoodling in the corner, if anyone could be bothered to turn round and see what we’re doing . . . And he eases a second finger inside me.
Fuck! I groan, and I’m thankful that the gaggle of people in front of us are still chatting away, totally oblivious.
Maya: WE FORGOT ABOUT THEIR FIGHT ABOUT WHO DRIVES THE CAR. WHICH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT
Ing: Hahahaha I caaan't. He buys her a car but he doesn't want her to drive it for some unknown reason
Maya: And then she remembers she's supposed to meet Jose the next day for drinks and prays Christian won't get mad. SIGNS OF A GOOD BOYFRIEND....
Ing: Someday I hope to have this amount of love in my relationship. The kind of love where I need to ask my boyfriend for permission to see friends and hope that he doesn't get pissed off
Maya: You know...twu wove
Ing: So intense, so deep
Maya: DEEPER THAN THE SEAS, MORE INTENSE THAN ANA'S ORGASMS
Ing: HIGHER THAN HIS ESCALA APARTMENT
Maya: LONGER THAN HIS DOM/SUB CONTRACT
Ing: Lmaooo that is quite an accomplishment. Speaking of that: he did tell her to tear up the non disclosure agreement. So I guess that's something. SO ANA, HOW'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOING? OH YOU KNOW, WE TORE UP THE NDA, IT WAS VERY ROMANTIC
Maya: Well, then he jets off the next day to a meeting in Portland and she meets Jose for drinks in a ~sexy~ red dress and Kate shows up and Ana gushes over her in a totally straight way
I turn and there’s Kate with Ethan. She looks gorgeous: sun-kissed, bleached strawber-ry-blond hair, golden tan, and beaming white smile, and so shapely in her white cami and tight white jeans. All eyes are on Kate. I leap up from my seat to give her a hug. Oh how I’ve missed this woman!
Ing: Kate IS SO GORGEOUS AND LOOKS SO PERFECT AND EVERYONE'S LOOKING AT KATE, OKAY. Which I guess leads us to the cliffhanger of cliche
Maya: AH YES. BECAUSE CHRISTIAN CAN'T BE NORMAL AND DRIVE TO A MEETING, HE TOOK THE HELICPOTER. AND OMG ~IT'S GONE MISSING~
“Ana.” Elliot’s voice is clipped and quiet, and my scalp prickles ominously.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Christian. He’s not back from Portland.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“His helicopter has gone missing.”
“Charlie Tango?” I whisper as all the breath leaves my body. “No!”
Ing: I totally wish he died at this point and then the rest of the series is Ana having sex with a ghost and trying to come to terms with being haunted by her control-freak boyfriend and he'll be like sitting by her desk at work being like. “YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT RIGHT. NOW, EAT. EAT. SINCE I CAN'T, YOU MUST EAT FOR ME”
Maya: AS SHE SLOWLY SOBS INTO A YOGURT. "I'M SO SORRY CHRISTIAN. I'M GOING TO GO CUDDLE MY STUFFED CHARLIE TANGO NOW AND DREAM OF YOU DOING ME IN THE ASS LIKE I WOULD NEVER LET YOU DO BEFORE" ...THIS REVIEW HAS TAKEN A TURN FOR THE STRANGE
Ing: “LET ME TOUCH YOU WITH MY GHOSTLY HANDS, OH DO YOU LOVE MY GHOSTLY TOUCH OF COLDNESS. YOU'RE SO WET, ANA, ALWAYS SO READY FOR ME AND MY GHOST-DICK”…maybe a little strange