Rough and Ready: Chapter 3, 4 and 5
It's May! We're reading Rough & Ready. Julie Andrews, lead us in!
Click to view"We need men to mate with," another woman, a teenager, really, said. She was eyeing Geek like she was a Weight Watchers dropout and he was a chocolate sundae… with whipped cream.
Maya: So, we read three chapters and very, very little happened other than some language that made us want to die on the inside
Ing: Yeah, this set up is really boring. She should just get to the porn, to be honest
Maya: Well, she should just give up all together. I read romance novels for the plot with the porn and the plot SUCKS
Ing: Yeah, the plot is awful and I'm gonna guess that the porn will be awful too, I won't even lie. Well, anyway, the guys have now travelled back in time to the viking age and they meet the girls. And they instantly understand each other because 'old norse and English is so similar' which... uhm no
He spoke English, but she should be able to understand the gist of what he said, Old Norse and English having so many similarities.
Maya: There is so much wrong with that idea, I can't even
Ing: I almost blacked out with rage at that comment, to be completely honest
Maya: I should send that line to my friend who's studying linguistics. I'm sure he'd have plenty to say
Ing: Hahahhaha. Probably. I think she's confused because old norse is similar to English AT THAT TIME. But not NOW. And it's like... super lazy writing with how they can understand each other.
From an English - Old Norse dictionary:
So similar, amirite.
Maya: So basically, the men wake up and instantly want to sex up all the women because, this is a romance novel and everyone must be paired up for the sexytiems
Ing: Cleaarly. They end up having a feast and the girls pretty themselves up and everything, as you do and not one of them thinks these people may look a tad weird in their modern clothes but hey.
On either side of the tables, sitting on benches, which would be later used for pallets, were a handful of grinning men and dozens of eyelash-batting, riband-wearing, teeth-baring, twittering females, who also happened to be so clean they nigh sparkled. Their gunnas and tunics were plain, but they'd chosen ones with color and embroidery: woad blue, madder red, lichen purple, broom yellow.
(And then this happens, which...idek you guys:)
Then the animal glanced up at Torolf, sniffed his leg, and began to hump it. The mutt probably smelled his dog, Slut, on his jeans leg, and, yes, he had named his dog Slut because, frankly, she was a slut.
Maya: Oh yes, and then we find out Torolf and Hilda knew each other when they were younger and they "tease" each other. I put that in quotations because it is the WORST TEASING EVER.
Ing: This attempt at banter is awful XD
Maya: I love childhood bff stories, but this one is terrible
"You speak the same language I do, and yet I fail to understand what you say by half."
"Okay, here's a good example of what I'm talking about. Consider Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. You've heard that biblical tale, right? Well, what's not to laugh about with good ol' stud muffin Adam being tempted by sexpot Eve? Toss in the apple and the snake, and it's damn funny." He was picking fleece out of her hair as he spoke, making a small pile on the table.
Ing: Also, the stereotyping continues when Geek is the ~least sexually experienced~ of them. Just once I'd like to see a love story between geeks where the geeks aren't complete losers. Why won't someone write an epic love story between two awesome geeks who meet at a con or something?
Ing: I'd read the fuck out of that
Maya: There is one. I haven't read it though. "One Con Glory"
Ing: I'll have to check it out and see how it is!
"Multiple sex partners… Do you mean all at once?" Geek's ears turned red. He might be twenty-six, but he was sexually inexperienced in comparison to the rest of them.
Maya: Annnnnnyway, Torolf and Hilda make a bargain that she'll sleep with him if they'll train them to fight. And we find out she's been married four times to four men between the ages of 40 and 70. Of course
Ing: I don't even, really. What's the point of that exactly?
Maya:: TO SHOW SHE'S NEVER HAD THE WONDERFULNESS OF TEH SEXX0RS AND TOROLF WILL SHOW HER THE LIGHT. OF HER ORGASM.
Ing: With his giant penis
Maya: It's a sadly common trope in historical romances. I want to headdesk every time
Ing: Yes, and well.... 50 Shades
Maya: Yeah, but Ana was a virgin. In historicals, you get the widow whose husband never properly pleased her because he was drunk/old/mean/not well endowed
Ing: But she's still never known the wonders of sex and now it's all aaah so nice heeehee.
Maya: True
Ing: So, well, They make a deal about Torolf teaching the girls to fight properly in exchange for sex...because...I don't even know, really
Maya: And then we find out that medieval lutes = guitars. Because JAM breaks out into "Brown Eyed Girl" and they teach them the twist. THE TWIST. GUYS. I CAN'T. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, BUT IT'S NOT. IT'S JUST COMPLETELY OUT OF LEFT FIELD
Now they understood. He was singing Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl," and he was staring at Britta standing on the other side of the room. Slowly, everyone began to grasp that Pretty Boy was singing a love song to his girl-or who he hoped would be his girl-and they alternately swooned over his singing or craned their necks to see Britta's reaction. Pretty Boy would wear her down eventually. He always did.
"Yep. That boy is smoother 'n gator spit." Cage grinned with admiration. "I thought I had smooth down to an art form, but he's got me beat by a bayou mile."
Ing: I MEAN, THESE GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FROM LIKE 2000 SOMETHING RIGHT? Who in 2000 something even does the twist anymore
Maya: NO ONE
After that, Pretty Boy played a few country songs. "Your Cheatin' Heart"
went over big with the ladies, who kept nodding their heads in agreement. Apparently, they'd met a few wandering boys in their day. Then he tried Ray Charles's "Hit the Road, Jack," which also rang a few memory bells in these babes. Willie Nelson's "Always on My Mind" had them swooning again. When he sang "Sixty Minute Man," the women didn't understand, but they liked the ballad nonetheless.
Ing: So why would that be like the first choice to teach them. And he sings a slew of other weird songs and none of the girls are like 'wtf is this shit'
The women were shocked at first, especially when the guys encouraged them to "shake it on out," but then they gave it the old college try, and soon, after a number of lively songs, many of them mastered the moves of the twist.
Torolf wished his brother Ragnor were here to witness these Dark Ages ladies lifting the hems of their gunnas to do the twist. Not to mention shaking their bonbons like modern women did.
Maya: And then the ladies get together to discuss how to seduce the menfolk because they don't realize these guys will fuck anything that moves. They're SEALs!
Ing: Hahhah and we get a really bizarre discussion of how they're going to solve the fact that there are like...idk how many women and only 5-6 of the guys, and I'm like please, God, let's not have group sex
Maya: ORGY TIME
Ing: PLEASE NO
Maya: IT'S HAPPENING. DON'T TRY TO FIGHT IT
"We could take turns. Five at a time. If the men are still here after twelve days, and pray to the gods that they will be, then we can start the rotation over again. By the time they depart The Sanctuary, hopefully some of us will be increasing." This was the ever-logical Gunnvor speaking.
Five men swiving twelve women each? It sounds ridiculous, and yet I have known men who would do it in a trice.
"Where will the mating take place? Some men do it out in the open, like pigs rutting, but I for one want privacy." Hilda was shocked to hear Inge make this observation.
Ing: Anyway, they decide that the guys should get to choose and they should seduce them instead. And I'm like... this feels oddly sexist in some weird way. Like, even when girls have basically kidnapped a bunch of guys to have their way with them, the guys STILL get to choose and the girls have to get dressed up to get them to pay them any attention