Rough and Ready: Chapter 1 and 2
Well, well, well. We started this book not really knowing what it was about and it turns out to be about a time travelling viking from Norway. So prepare for a lot of fucking weird shit and a lot of Ing raging about Norway-related inaccuracies.
Warning: Mentions of rape (but no detailed descriptions), because what are vikings without rape, amirite.
The landscape and geographical boundaries had been different long ago. In fact, ancient Norway had been twice as large as it was today.
(oh ffs. It was not! How the fuck could it be without eating Sweden!)
Maya: We have begun "Rough and Ready" by Sandra Hill, which manages to be about both Navy SEALs and Vikings at the same time
Ing: and let's not forget time travel
Maya: Oh yes, the time travel too
Ing: The story starts, I suppose, in present day California? With Navy SEAL Torolf Magnusson, who is supposed to be an accidentally time travelling Norwegian viking despite having a Swedish last name
Maya: And his sister Kirstin, who is the world's worst historian
Ing: And an idiot. There's this guy, Steinolf (not a name that exists, btw) that is terrorising viking-aged Norway with his raping and pillaging and whatever. And Torolf and Kirstin escaped him, but not before Kirstin was raped (I think. they were hinting).
Maya: Their whole family escaped. I'm sure that's what the other books in the series are about
Ing: And Kirstin decides Torolf should go back in time and stop him because "it might not change history because they're the only ones who know about it" which makes NO GODDAMN SENSE
"I think I might have discovered some of the lost pages from The Old Norse Chronicles. Look at this."
In this year, Steinolf proclaims himself king of all the Norselands, following a ten-year reign of terror. Thousands upon thousands of Vikings from Norway, Denmark, and Sweden fall to his sword. Torture and rape abound. The heads of babes are carried on his soldiers' pikes. Goblets of sword dew are drunk by his chieftains. God save us from this heathen beast.
"What does this mean? Why do you show it to me?"
Kirstin got that earnest-some might say rabid-look on her face, the one that meant she wouldn't give up till she got her say. "I know that history can't be changed, that a Hitler and the Holocaust can't be erased. But this history…" she tapped the ancient book, "… no one knows of it but us. Maybe this kind of history can be changed."
Maya: And so Torolf goes back to pack up and head to Norway and we get to meet his delightful SEAL pals who are not stereotypical at all
Ing: What are those characters even
Maya: There's a Cajun dude, and JAM who is Hispanic and wanted to be a priest or something, and there's Geek who's smart and shit, and then another one who I forget. Seriously, these are the most poorly defined characters ever
JAM probably had a dozen versions of the Bible.
"Not babysitters, precisely," Cage elaborated. "Ya cain't serve the gumbo 'less ever'one's at the table." He loved to quote his Cajun grandmother's hokey bayou sayings.
"What the hell does that mean?"
"All fer one and one fer all." Cage grinned. "Hey, you guys were there for me and my maw maw during Katrina and Rita." Maw maw was Cajun for grandmother. "Me, how could I do any less…
even if ya've lost yer friggin' mind, chèr?"
Ing: Yeah, and Sandra Hill and Tyra Banks must have come from the same school of character building since the both of them apparently think that the way to define someone is to give them a ridiculous accent
Maya: Anyway, Torolf decides that instead of making shit up, he's going to tell his buddies he's going to time travel back where he came from and stop "Hitler with a longboat,” because, yes. I can't believe this is an actual plot
"I need to travel back to the eleventh-century Norselands to put an end to Steinolf, the worst tango in the world." Tango was a SEAL word for terrorist or bad guy. "He stole my family lands and tortured my sister Madrene. Think Hitler on a longship."
His friends couldn't have regarded him more incredulously if he'd grown propellers and called himself a Black Hawk.
"You're gonna time-travel? Cool!" It was Geek speaking for the first time. He'd been sitting at the desk fiddling with Torolf's laptop, updating some virus software.
Ing: I especially wouldn't be writing about a time travelling viking when I obviously don't know shit about vikings. I hope everyone realises that this project will consist a lot of me being angry about mistakes. Don't even get me started on all the fucking weird names in this book already. Only like 1/10 of the names are actual Norwegian names, the rest are just made up crap.
Maya: Shall we get into the heroine's story? And her many, inappropriately named friends?
Ing: IDK if I even understood half of what was going on here. Brunhilda and her friends are in the viking age, fleeing from this evil Steinolf guy. and they find an abandoned house to take refuge in?
Brunhilda Berdottir was the last living child of Styrr Hardhead and Bera the Weeper, a deceased high jarl of Hordaland and his lady wife. Though she would never be recognized as such in her present condition.
(Note from the Norwegian: Hordaland is an actual county, but wouldn't have been called that in the viking ages as far as I know. The area was called Bjørgvin back then. Brunhilda isn't really a name that exists and neither is Styrr nor Bera. IDEK you guys)
Maya: Something like that. And they set up an all-women Sanctuary to fortify against him
Ing: And there are a whole lot of different women, most of whom have no distinguishing personalities.
Despite the condition, Deer Haven was a welcome sight. "This will do as our new home," Hilda pronounced. Astrid, Elise, and Frida dropped to their knees and said prayers of thanks. Dagne wept with relief. But Inge, ever the one to have a sense of humor, chuckled. "By your leave, milady," she said, but without waiting for a response, picked up a sharp rock, which she used to carve runic symbols onto a short plank, which she propped against the edge of the drawbridge.
It read: "Any man who dares enter here uninvited will leave with a shriveled manpart."
Maya: BUT ONE OF THEM IS NAMED INGE. AND SHE'S BRUNHILDA'S SERVANT OR SOMETHING BUT SHE TALKS A LOT AND HER NAME IS INGE
Ing: DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT. You guys. Inge is not a girl's name! In Norway, Inge is exclusively a guy's name and simple research will have told this author that. like... I can't. ugh
Maya: ING INSISTS THAT THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS HER BEING A CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK. BUT I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT
Ing: IT DOESN'TTT. That's like saying Clara and Clark is the same name
Maya: UH HUH, OKAY. Anyway, eventually the SEALs make it to modern-day Norway and they get on some boat and it crashes and there's some really irritating dialogue
Ing: Yeah it's some touristy viking boat with a tour guide?
Maya: Something like that
Ing: From "an Oslo university". there is actually only one university in Oslo, but what is research, amirite. And we get the cliched scene where Torolf comes back to find his old home turned into a shopping mall and I'm like...really, is that the best you could think of
"Out oars!" Svein Olafsson, the pretend captain of this tourist longship, yelled out. Picking up their oars, twelve sets of pretend Viking sailors came to attention. They looked like idiots, probably college students, in their pseudo-Viking duds, designed by some dingbat Calvin Klinesson, no doubt. Sitting on sea chests, they began to row in unison.
Maya: And we find out that the Hispanic dude carries holy water with him everywhere and Torolf prays to the gods for guidance and ...what
There was a shopping mall there now. Even so, Torolf had dropped to his knees in the parking lot, praying for deliverance back to the past, much to the amusement of passersby. JAM had helped by sprinkling some holy water on the concrete. Who knew that JAM carried holy water around, just in case there was an emergency!
Ing: STEREOTYPES AHOYYY and all of the guys are weirdly okay with Torolf being a time travelling viking. and they're like "lol he says vikings were attractive and sexy, hahahahah, is that you, lol funny."
Maya: God this is bad. Oh, and apparently Cajuns = Vikings
"Ya know, we Cajuns are a lot like Vikings," Cage said.
"I'll bite," Torolf said. "How are Cajuns like Vikings?"
"They're both drop-dead gorgeous, sexy as sin, have a great sense of humor, and women love
'em."
His remark was met with snickers.
"Besides, like my maw maw always says, 'The truth is in the roux.'"
"What the hell does roux have to do with Vikings and Cajuns?" Torolf would undoubtedly regret asking the question.
"Roux is the heart of most Cajun dishes. At heart, Vikings and Cajuns are good lovers, husbands, fathers, sons."
Ing: And they're travelling in one of those viking boats, right? that they have to row. And somehow they manage to crash so hard it tips over, which frankly shouldn't even be possible considering I can't imagine they've been able to every to row it very fast and dooes she even know how huge those boats are. Meanwhile, at the women's sanctuary, the womens are getting horny
Maya: As they do even after being traumatically raped and tortured
Ing: IKR and now they want to rape men! for the children! This is a love story for the ages, truly
Hilda arched her eyebrows. "Is the springtime sap rising in you women? You may not have dangly parts, but have you become lustsome, like nature's animals… the ram, the bull, the rooster, and… and men? By Odin! That is it, is it not?"
Inge's face reddened, as did others. "Not precisely."
"If not a craving for a good tup, then what?" Hilda could be frank of manner when the occasion warranted.
As one, all the women answered, "Children."
[...]
"There might be a way," Britta said. "We could kidnap them and bind their eyes with cloth."
Hilda's jaw dropped. "They would be outraged. They would never accept us on those terms."
"Hah! They would have no choice if they were chained to a bedchamber wall." It was young Dagne who spoke, to Hilda's surprise. Others found great amusement in that prospect.
Maya: FOR THE CHILDREN
Ing: Aaaand then they run outside and find the crashed boat, which has somehow... travelled in time from modern Norway to viking Norway. by crashing. IDK logic.
Maya: SURPRISE SURPRISE
Ing: AND THEN. CLIFFHANGER. I'm gonna guess that there's a lot of interesting sex in our future
Maya: God I hope so. That can only make this book less boring
Ing: I'm definitely "excited" to see how much more this author can mess up Norway and Norwegian names tbh. Also, if an Ingeborg pops up I'm gonna cry
Maya: I'm excited to see you lose your mind over the inaccuracies