It's Christmas in Carolina--We're Chillin' in Our Underwear...
Oh boy. You know what happens when you let your prescriptions lapse for a while and then finally refill them and start taking them again? Nothing good.
One of my scripts is a controlled substance, which means every time I need a refill (every month--not allowed to get 3 mo/time), I have to get a paper prescription from my doctor and take it to the pharmacy. I have a serious problem with this process. I am absentminded and often car-less and often unaware of the passing of time, and once I've let things go for a little while I feel so guilty and ashamed that I've done so that I then don't want to draw more attention to myself by mentioning how I've been out of said med for a week and a half.
ANYHOO! This little problem coincided with a particularly early bout of Seasonal Lung Death. The SLD was so bad this year I had to break down and take something for it because I could not sleep for the cough cough coughing (I avoid cold medication usually because it makes me hallucinate; this time at one point I found myself staring at my feet unsure of whether I had five or six toes on each foot[I had recently seen "Body Worlds" which involved a dude with six normal-looking toes on each foot]). So with that, and the accompanying nasal congestion, I couldn't take the stuff I usually take to sleep (in addition to making me sleepy, it also swells up my sinuses fiercely). The sleep meds also happen to be antidepressants, which kind of sucks, because when I don't take it for several days, I feel like extra doom, even though my Doc claims it's fine to take intermittently. Oh my god CANYOUTELLI'MONSPEED? Right, so, cold meds put me to sleep, but now I'm off my ADD meds (SPEEDWHEE) and my sleep meds, but the SLD makes me feel so awful that I don't notice.
Well. Now I'm better. I was better for a while before I refilled my delicious speed, but I was incapable of stringing together a complete sentence, let alone apply for jobs or plan a wedding or eat food. I finally managed to drag ass to the pharmacy and then find my way home, and now I'm back on the good drugs but OHMYGODAMIWIRED because when I'm off the speed for a while and then go back on it, I get all the side effects super hard core for a couple of weeks. If you've followed this far, you may be as crazy as I am, and also, you'll understand how fucking stupid I am. This is why we all need to talk to our doctors early and often, etc. I'm sure she could've helped me out. So now I've been awake for two days, the house is gleaming, I'm motoring through making (the awesomest!) Christmas presents ever, and still not eating food. But I'm showering now, which is an improvement.
My sister got a job! She is moving up in the world. She's working at Conde Nasty and has an actual job that will involve her actual name on an actual masthead. I'm really proud of her--it took a long time for her to make the big move from nameless photo office robot to Assistant Photo Editor. She is the shit. She is also proof that it is possible for me to Not Suck at something, someday, too. Or she's a total anomaly and I'm fucked.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT! twoswimy made me such a bitchin' hat! Green, with ear flaps, and tassels on the ear flaps. It is the perfectest hat I have ever had: warm, breathable, stylish, the correct size for my deceptively large head. I was tickled nearly to death to get such a nice present in the mail. Internet friends are awesome! THANK YOUUUUU Miss! I will send you pictures soon<3
Still going! Speed! Do you know what happens when you are awake for two days, then eat six Tofutti Cuties then spend an hour or so epoxying things with smelly epoxy, the whole time not drinking any water? You will not hang on to those Cuties, I tell you what. Just the perfect feeling to have on top of two days vibrating at my own frequency. I don't wonder any more why I do this to myself--take all of this medication under the delusion that it allows me to function. I've been stupid enough to quit taking it before, and I literally cannot get out of bed. Not for school, not for friends, not for family, not for roller coasters. This brain feels pretty useless and broken; it's no wonder I use my foolish heart to make my decisions. I know that some of you are reading this and thinking that it is a matter of will, that I am lazy and negative, that I am a lost cause. It makes me a little sad that friends might think that about me, as though I would deceive them or waste their time or love them for any other reason than their awesomeness. But this is who I am. I'm sick, however pathetic that may be, and trying to get well with what I'm given.
Well, that wasted some energy. Time to return to the epoxy party, I guess.
One of my scripts is a controlled substance, which means every time I need a refill (every month--not allowed to get 3 mo/time), I have to get a paper prescription from my doctor and take it to the pharmacy. I have a serious problem with this process. I am absentminded and often car-less and often unaware of the passing of time, and once I've let things go for a little while I feel so guilty and ashamed that I've done so that I then don't want to draw more attention to myself by mentioning how I've been out of said med for a week and a half.
ANYHOO! This little problem coincided with a particularly early bout of Seasonal Lung Death. The SLD was so bad this year I had to break down and take something for it because I could not sleep for the cough cough coughing (I avoid cold medication usually because it makes me hallucinate; this time at one point I found myself staring at my feet unsure of whether I had five or six toes on each foot[I had recently seen "Body Worlds" which involved a dude with six normal-looking toes on each foot]). So with that, and the accompanying nasal congestion, I couldn't take the stuff I usually take to sleep (in addition to making me sleepy, it also swells up my sinuses fiercely). The sleep meds also happen to be antidepressants, which kind of sucks, because when I don't take it for several days, I feel like extra doom, even though my Doc claims it's fine to take intermittently. Oh my god CANYOUTELLI'MONSPEED? Right, so, cold meds put me to sleep, but now I'm off my ADD meds (SPEEDWHEE) and my sleep meds, but the SLD makes me feel so awful that I don't notice.
Well. Now I'm better. I was better for a while before I refilled my delicious speed, but I was incapable of stringing together a complete sentence, let alone apply for jobs or plan a wedding or eat food. I finally managed to drag ass to the pharmacy and then find my way home, and now I'm back on the good drugs but OHMYGODAMIWIRED because when I'm off the speed for a while and then go back on it, I get all the side effects super hard core for a couple of weeks. If you've followed this far, you may be as crazy as I am, and also, you'll understand how fucking stupid I am. This is why we all need to talk to our doctors early and often, etc. I'm sure she could've helped me out. So now I've been awake for two days, the house is gleaming, I'm motoring through making (the awesomest!) Christmas presents ever, and still not eating food. But I'm showering now, which is an improvement.
My sister got a job! She is moving up in the world. She's working at Conde Nasty and has an actual job that will involve her actual name on an actual masthead. I'm really proud of her--it took a long time for her to make the big move from nameless photo office robot to Assistant Photo Editor. She is the shit. She is also proof that it is possible for me to Not Suck at something, someday, too. Or she's a total anomaly and I'm fucked.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT! twoswimy made me such a bitchin' hat! Green, with ear flaps, and tassels on the ear flaps. It is the perfectest hat I have ever had: warm, breathable, stylish, the correct size for my deceptively large head. I was tickled nearly to death to get such a nice present in the mail. Internet friends are awesome! THANK YOUUUUU Miss! I will send you pictures soon<3
Still going! Speed! Do you know what happens when you are awake for two days, then eat six Tofutti Cuties then spend an hour or so epoxying things with smelly epoxy, the whole time not drinking any water? You will not hang on to those Cuties, I tell you what. Just the perfect feeling to have on top of two days vibrating at my own frequency. I don't wonder any more why I do this to myself--take all of this medication under the delusion that it allows me to function. I've been stupid enough to quit taking it before, and I literally cannot get out of bed. Not for school, not for friends, not for family, not for roller coasters. This brain feels pretty useless and broken; it's no wonder I use my foolish heart to make my decisions. I know that some of you are reading this and thinking that it is a matter of will, that I am lazy and negative, that I am a lost cause. It makes me a little sad that friends might think that about me, as though I would deceive them or waste their time or love them for any other reason than their awesomeness. But this is who I am. I'm sick, however pathetic that may be, and trying to get well with what I'm given.
Well, that wasted some energy. Time to return to the epoxy party, I guess.