why am i still in love!?!!
so basically worst day ever. its been two weeks? and i was fine this last week. i didn't think about you at all...why the fuck did you have to call me? now you're all i can think about. and honestly i wish you would just change overnight but you wont. what am i supposed to do. i talked to scotts mom she says we need to be broken up for a year? yeah okay seriously. if it takes him that long i don't want to be with his dumbass anyway.
what the fuck? why am i feeling this way...all the sudden today it hit me like bam....that i'm in love with him. i'm fucking in love with him! what the hell. seriously last week and the week before i could honestly say i felt nothing more than unconditional love and physical attraction and that was all and now i'm in love with him all over again. how did this happen? one stupid motherfucking dream and i'm depressed all day, i havent left the house, i'm sobbing, watching breakfast at tiffanys, calling his mother and smoking an entire pack of cigarettes....oh and listening to the saddest music fucking imaginable. this is awesome. now its 4 am and i'm too fucking worked up to sleep and guess what? i have to work tomorrow and do laundry. and ALSO i had to see him on fucking AIM. and i'm sure as all hell that he wont even think to im me. which makes me even more incredibly sad.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and i know im not in love with who he is now. is the sad part. he's fucking dead. he's fucking dead and he's never coming back and i cant get over that. and the best part of the fucking day was when his mother told me that he's joining the army full time. i guess he really fucking hates me and is really not interested in ever being with me ever again.
i just wanted him to grow up a little. and treat me better and get to know him self more like he used to. i love him so fucking much and why? what for.
i just wanted it to be a month and for him to grow up and apologize and grovel and i asked for far too much i suppose, although its only been 2 weeks. i want him i want him i want him WHAT THE FUCK!?!! I'M SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW.
i'm not supposed to feel this way. and theres absolutely no one around because everyone has fucking finals and is in school and the fact that i'm of the very least importance to anyone and everyone.
i wish i never loved him to begin with. and no one understands our relationship at all.
no one knows what i feel. what i've felt, how much pain i have suffered in spite of it all just to be with him and i can't stand to be away from him....i need him back. NOW.
i wish he'd just realize it all and stop fuckign drinking because thats not helping and just show up here and tell me that he loves me more than anything in this world and that he wants to get married and has plans for his future and just.......LOVE ME.
silly fucking movies....they give me these false ideals of what i want to happen, they give me these hopes and wishes of true love.
and i can honestly say that we have had the most pure perfect love at times and its painful to recall those times in comparison to what i have been reduced to as of late. and that is in fact why i needed this break. i needed it and so does he but i cannot go on to pretend as if i feel nothing for him as i feel nothing and everything all at once and its this sad meltdown inside of me and i feel as if i will not survive although i know i will with or without him.
i know he has not cried over me. ever. he never cries and never shows anything even close to what you could call emotion. and that is precisely what i miss about him, the army has turned him into a cold human being or he himself has turned himself into a rock that feels next to nothing and i cannot be in love with a shell of a person...where did he go? why did he leave me emotionally? i felt like it was never going to be the same again although i know i can be in my heart, so i thought i'd give this break up thing a shot as i was clearly overwhelmed and fed-up and i was seriously losing myself and my goddamned mind.
i hope he doesnt think he's better off without me because that my friend is so not even true...not in the least just as i am not better off without him, however at this point in time it was necessary considering all that we had both been going through. i love him though. i really do. and truly i havent been able to bear deleting his pictures,music, the movie ticket stubs, throwing his t.v off my third floor deck, the stuffed animals, his closet....any of it...the jewelry. and the list goes on... because i hope he comes back to me but if he knew the truth would he want to?
he told his mother i was crazy and that he was looking for a nice good girl WTF thats exactly what i was but you didn't want it. so? at least she claims she stood up for me, which was nice.
he told his mother that i was crazy and that i held a knife to his throat, which absolutely never fucking happened....why is he talking shit? does he just want his mother to shut the fuck up about me so that he doesnt have to be reminded of it all? i fucking hope so.
i don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to love him anymore.
which is not even true. i do want to love him. i just want him to change and change for me and change for him and change for everyone and just be the amazing person that i used to know, which i feel like at this point is completely fucking hopeless.
god please help me out with this one, i'm sorry for the mistakes that i've made. i'm sorry, but please help me in some way....i do still think i deserve it.
what the fuck? why am i feeling this way...all the sudden today it hit me like bam....that i'm in love with him. i'm fucking in love with him! what the hell. seriously last week and the week before i could honestly say i felt nothing more than unconditional love and physical attraction and that was all and now i'm in love with him all over again. how did this happen? one stupid motherfucking dream and i'm depressed all day, i havent left the house, i'm sobbing, watching breakfast at tiffanys, calling his mother and smoking an entire pack of cigarettes....oh and listening to the saddest music fucking imaginable. this is awesome. now its 4 am and i'm too fucking worked up to sleep and guess what? i have to work tomorrow and do laundry. and ALSO i had to see him on fucking AIM. and i'm sure as all hell that he wont even think to im me. which makes me even more incredibly sad.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and i know im not in love with who he is now. is the sad part. he's fucking dead. he's fucking dead and he's never coming back and i cant get over that. and the best part of the fucking day was when his mother told me that he's joining the army full time. i guess he really fucking hates me and is really not interested in ever being with me ever again.
i just wanted him to grow up a little. and treat me better and get to know him self more like he used to. i love him so fucking much and why? what for.
i just wanted it to be a month and for him to grow up and apologize and grovel and i asked for far too much i suppose, although its only been 2 weeks. i want him i want him i want him WHAT THE FUCK!?!! I'M SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW.
i'm not supposed to feel this way. and theres absolutely no one around because everyone has fucking finals and is in school and the fact that i'm of the very least importance to anyone and everyone.
i wish i never loved him to begin with. and no one understands our relationship at all.
no one knows what i feel. what i've felt, how much pain i have suffered in spite of it all just to be with him and i can't stand to be away from him....i need him back. NOW.
i wish he'd just realize it all and stop fuckign drinking because thats not helping and just show up here and tell me that he loves me more than anything in this world and that he wants to get married and has plans for his future and just.......LOVE ME.
silly fucking movies....they give me these false ideals of what i want to happen, they give me these hopes and wishes of true love.
and i can honestly say that we have had the most pure perfect love at times and its painful to recall those times in comparison to what i have been reduced to as of late. and that is in fact why i needed this break. i needed it and so does he but i cannot go on to pretend as if i feel nothing for him as i feel nothing and everything all at once and its this sad meltdown inside of me and i feel as if i will not survive although i know i will with or without him.
i know he has not cried over me. ever. he never cries and never shows anything even close to what you could call emotion. and that is precisely what i miss about him, the army has turned him into a cold human being or he himself has turned himself into a rock that feels next to nothing and i cannot be in love with a shell of a person...where did he go? why did he leave me emotionally? i felt like it was never going to be the same again although i know i can be in my heart, so i thought i'd give this break up thing a shot as i was clearly overwhelmed and fed-up and i was seriously losing myself and my goddamned mind.
i hope he doesnt think he's better off without me because that my friend is so not even true...not in the least just as i am not better off without him, however at this point in time it was necessary considering all that we had both been going through. i love him though. i really do. and truly i havent been able to bear deleting his pictures,music, the movie ticket stubs, throwing his t.v off my third floor deck, the stuffed animals, his closet....any of it...the jewelry. and the list goes on... because i hope he comes back to me but if he knew the truth would he want to?
he told his mother i was crazy and that he was looking for a nice good girl WTF thats exactly what i was but you didn't want it. so? at least she claims she stood up for me, which was nice.
he told his mother that i was crazy and that i held a knife to his throat, which absolutely never fucking happened....why is he talking shit? does he just want his mother to shut the fuck up about me so that he doesnt have to be reminded of it all? i fucking hope so.
i don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to love him anymore.
which is not even true. i do want to love him. i just want him to change and change for me and change for him and change for everyone and just be the amazing person that i used to know, which i feel like at this point is completely fucking hopeless.
god please help me out with this one, i'm sorry for the mistakes that i've made. i'm sorry, but please help me in some way....i do still think i deserve it.